My wife of 20 years (we have kids too) now wants poly

[GalaGirl]

I am going to guess. I could guess totally wrong. I think your mind is going all over the place. I think it could help you to remain in the present moment and not leap around in your head to possible futures. Like "What if this? What if that?"

Sit tight and arrange your counseling appointment instead. Let the counselor help you identify issues and form a strategy for dealing with them. You don't need a plan to solve one thing. You need a strategy or a collection of plans to solve several things. And the things must be put in order.

Patrick, do you want to do Open Marriage? It sounds like you don't really want to get into Open Marriage right now just so wife could see her exBF in the open. That's doesn't "erase" the emotional affair. That's not healing from it either. That's just "continuing the affair out in the open" to me. Just not behind your back any more.

You also are not sure about poly dating right now. You shared that concern with wife. So now wife doesn't want to do Open marriage any more.
Doesn't that reduce your load to

• heal from the emotional affair wife had with Cheater BF
• decide whether or not to continue the marriage with this wife

rather than it being

• heal from the emotional affair wife had with Cheater BF
• decide whether or not to continue the marriage with this wife
  • decide if I want to continue as an Open marriage at all
  • decide if I want to continue as an Open marriage with this exBF in the network

all piled up together?

Why are you gonna pile on

"If I were Open, nobody would want to date me" stress on yourself at this time?

Adding to your load rather than taking away from your load

FWIW? I don't mind dating a solid, healthy married guy with kids. I have a spouse and kids too. Why would I object to them having that too? The turn off would be the waffling up and downy stuff and the emotional affair thing not yet being healed.

You do not sound like you are in a healthy place right now. So don't go offering yourself to people as a dating partner. I suggest you clear things up with your wife. See a counselor. Form a strategy. When that's all been executed? THEN decide what you want to do about dating. Poly dating or otherwise.

So you are solving your things in some kind of order and not everything piled up together in an overwhelming mess. One thing at a time only.

Galagirl

 

[Patrick]

I am going to guess. I could guess totally wrong. I think your mind is going all over the place. I think it could help you to remain in the present moment and not leap around in your head to possible futures. Like "What if this? What if that?"

Sit tight and arrange your counseling appointment instead. Let the counselor help you identify issues and form a strategy for dealing with them. You don't need a plan to solve one thing. You need a strategy or a collection of plans to solve several things. And the things must be put in order.

Patrick, do you want to do Open Marriage? It sounds like you don't really want to get into Open Marriage right now just so wife could see her exBF in the open. That's doesn't "erase" the emotional affair. That's not healing from it either. That's just "continuing the affair out in the open" to me. Just not behind your back any more.

You also are not sure about poly dating right now. You shared that concern with wife. So now wife doesn't want to do Open marriage any more.
Doesn't that reduce your load to

• heal from the emotional affair wife had with Cheater BF
• decide whether or not to continue the marriage with this wife

rather than it being

• heal from the emotional affair wife had with Cheater BF
• decide whether or not to continue the marriage with this wife
  • decide if I want to continue as an Open marriage at all
  • decide if I want to continue as an Open marriage with this exBF in the network

all piled up together?

Why are you gonna pile on

"If I were Open, nobody would want to date me" stress on yourself at this time?

Adding to your load rather than taking away from your load

FWIW? I don't mind dating a solid, healthy married guy with kids. I have a spouse and kids too. Why would I object to them having that too? The turn off would be the waffling up and downy stuff and the emotional affair thing not yet being healed.

You do not sound like you are in a healthy place right now. So don't go offering yourself to people as a dating partner. I suggest you clear things up with your wife. See a counselor. Form a strategy. When that's all been executed? THEN decide what you want to do about dating. Poly dating or otherwise.

So you are solving your things in some kind of order and not everything piled up together in an overwhelming mess. One thing at a time only.

Galagirl

Reading your advice makes me feel better ! so yea... a nice gentle step wise plan to follow - at least in essence if not verbatim.

not to go back and get all into the panicky waffling. (and i'm just thinking hypothetically or wondering - not in desperation - much calmer

curious if any folks have had a remotely situation involving :

- amicable separation, separate apartments
- our status would be :single...
-if either of us were seeing someone the 'default' would be that my ex wife and i would be out of bounds to each other sexually

... i'm not saying that i would not want to have sex if she was dating another guy...

but realistically it would be unlikely I'd find a woman who was ok with me and my (then) ex wife getting it on sometimes...


it wouldn't be automatically open.... unless we did decide on going poly/open.. that would be fine - but seems rare from what i've gathered.

if there was no conflict and we wanted to have sex (wife and I) that could happen in those circumstances.

You see, about me.... i do not crave or require multiple partners although i'm in no way averse to the idea - i just don't like the prospect of open marriage as i think i'd have major trouble finding romance as a non single.

i do like a lot of sex but i can happily adjust for less frequent sex without feeling unfulfilled - my wife's drive is way less than mine and it's not a big deal


But to end thanks so much Galagirl,, I'm gonna hit the school books now and have a break from this,, and definately try to take it one step at a time in good order!

 

[Patrick]

Mono again, feels like it evolved , not just waffled

well we My wife and I are back to Mono status.. again.

and while this could turn out over time to be more waffling tpwards our more lasting solid path ,

it feels like:

the right evolution in us finding our way, feeling our way, (regardless of what happens in the end) .

whatever may evolve - this whole trauma has made us more deeply loving and in love with each other than ever before.

At the moment it feels like a willing compromise from her - whereas before it was feeling like a sad resignation ...

she knows I want her to be happy and will love her even if she has to let me be single / lose me.

maybe it helps that she sees I considered it seriously.

in the end had to give her the choices that I could live with:

- either we are single co parents - who may very possibly need to be mono with others (more my case)(but still be very close as friends. co-parents,family and community)...or...

- be mono again

** although when i say mono 'again' - i must say that it's NOT like the feeling that we had before (where she felt trapped, and I felt strung along due to the daunting task of home and child raising, and feeling unwanted and just waiting to be dumped after prolonged agony....

I felt that HER decision to go mono when i said that it'll be terrib le for me, was almost instantaneous and therefore like a way of not dealing with HER dilemma, and that it wasn't really her sincerely asking herself what she's happy with...

but a day later she seemed heartbroken that I was not emotionally available like i usually am and like to be.

I realized that it hurt her to feel me withdrawing (out of the need to protect my heart) and that she really does want to be mono with me - as a happy willing choice that has evolved..

She realized that it was NOT me being vengeful or sulky - although I was feeling absolutely gutted... but feeling demoralized at being mono with someone who I thought was making the compromise of sad resignation....

so it feels like we BOTH really want mono - we know understand the natural feeling we'll always have for others, but that at this point in our live's journeys we value each other.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, I'm glad that we didn't rush into poly/open marriage/or separation - because there's no point at which those options will be unavailable..

but it would have sucked in a way if I found somebody new before the dust settled at which point Mono would have been either just not possible or been painful all around or 'gourd' knows what...

Lots of love to all the folks on this forum who take time to consider the hearts of others,
xo
Patrick

I'll update as things evolve. which I guess is what happens if life...

 

[Magdlyn]

Patrick I am so glad you and your wife seem to finally be on the same page. And that you now feel closer and maybe more appreciated. And that your wife won't be carrying on with that Cheater dude, who was a very bad choice for going poly with, since he had poor ethics and would've been bad at it!

Maybe when the dust settles, you 2 could eventually look into poly from a healthier place. Not saying that's a big goal of yours now... but you never know what will seem reasonable and fun and fulfilling 5 or 10 years from now.