Mya's search for balance

I have news. :) The five of us found a house! It's not 100 % confirmed yet, but if all goes well, we're moving in a bit over a month. I'm very excited about this! House hunting has been stressful and we've been to quite a few viewings, but now that we've seen something pretty special, I can really see us living there and having a great life together. At least for a while. As a realist I'm pretty sure this won't last forever, but then again it doesn't need to.

Me and Dahlia get along really well. We're fairly similar, so I guess Hank really has a type. :p I'm very much looking forward to moving in with her. She's also an extrovert, which is interesting because I've never lived with another extrovert. Hopefully we can keep each other company when the guys need their introvert time. :D

Oo, and also, the dates! The one with the guy went pretty badly. I mean, there was nothing hugely wrong with him, but I just didn't feel a connection. There won't be a second date. But the date with the woman went really well! We already have a second date planned. :) I'm quite smitten already. :eek:

Who knows, maybe this spring will be a new beginning for me and things will start looking up from here. Living with a bunch of nice people in a nice house, possibly dating more than one person, improving my relationship with Hank, not being rory's main support system, dealing with my issues in therapy - all of this is good. :)
 
Congrats, Mya! Wishing it all goes well for you all! Really lovely to read about the new positive prospects in your life!
 
Thank you nycindie and Nadya! :)

In a surprising turn of events, me and Dahlia have developed feelings for each other. :eek: I resisted it for a while because, you know, her being my metamour and future housemate, and me having a hard time when roles are reversed (my two partners getting together). But in the end the connection between us was undeniable and Hank has assured us that he doesn't have a problem with it, so... we have now decided to start exploring the romantic and sexual side of our connection. We've had sex a couple of times now, and it's amazing. :cool: I know this complicates things even further within the house, but what can you do. I had to listen to my heart on this one.
 
The thing with Dahlia is freaking me out a little bit, just because it makes everything more complicated on paper. I say on paper because obviously I don't know how it will pan out in reality, although so far so good. Hank, Eddie and rory all seem happy for us and are being very encouraging, but me and Dahlia both worry sometimes (me probably more than her). It's also really hard to get over the feeling that I'm the biggest hypocrite on earth, doing this after having such difficulties with the rory and Hank thing. So I'm again in the situation of "please help, my V is turning into a triad", but this time I'm one of the people developing feelings and now also making the choice to act on them. Life is weird!

Me and Dahlia are so similar in our personalities and in what we want/need out of relationships that it's easy for me to see that this could really work. Even though we've just now started doing this dating thing, I know quite a lot about her through Hank and by being friends with her, so I feel well equipped for this. It could still go very wrong and there will certainly be surprises on the way, but I'm intending to enjoy the ride as long as it lasts. :)
 
Mya said:
It's also really hard to get over the feeling that I'm the biggest hypocrite on earth, doing this after having such difficulties with the rory and Hank thing.
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The two situations are not the same, and you are not a hypocrite. Rory and Dahlia are two distinctly different people. You were with Rory a long time, and then when you got involved with Hank, you had to deal with lots of changes not only in your need for privacy but also with Rory's mental health, not supporting himself, etc. Don't project any of that stuff on this new development. You checked in with Hank, and are taking care of what and who needs it. Just let this new relationship be what it is and unfold naturally. Stay present, and enjoy the new adventures life is sending your way!!! You're doing fine.
 
nycindie said:
The two situations are not the same, and you are not a hypocrite. Rory and Dahlia are two distinctly different people. You were with Rory a long time, and then when you got involved with Hank, you had to deal with lots of changes not only in your need for privacy but also with Rory's mental health, not supporting himself, etc. Don't project any of that stuff on this new development. You checked in with Hank, and are taking care of what and who needs it. Just let this new relationship be what it is and unfold naturally. Stay present, and enjoy the new adventures life is sending your way!!! You're doing fine.
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Thanks for this, nycindie. :) It's good to be reminded! I try not to worry too much, and I know that Hank is different from me in that he really doesn't mind if his two partners get together. I know I project my own issues on him. I'm sure it'll get better with time when I see that he actually doesn't have a problem with it in practice. Last time when Dahlia was visiting, me and her had sex. When she was leaving, all of us (me, Hank, rory) hugged her. Hank commented on both of us smiling a lot. We said we're very happy, and Hank said with a grin on his face "Yeah, I heard." :D So that became a bit of a running joke, that he "heard our happiness". :eek:
 
Yesterday I had my fourth date with the woman from OKC. At this point I will name her because things seem to be going really well. I'll call her Fay. :)

Yesterday was such a bonding date. We talked about some very personal experiences and it felt so good. I really appreciated her opening up to me, and I also talked about some of my more private stuff. I really really like Fay. She's so pretty as well. :eek: We have our first overnight date planned for this week. I'm staying at her place, where I'll also meet her live-in partner for the first time. She came by my place on our last date, so she has now met Hank and rory. I'm really happy to be dating someone outside my polycule house as well, it feels quite...refreshing.

A lot of new beginnings in the air at the moment. We're moving later this week, I can't wait! I'm so excited about the new house, I'm just counting the days until we're there. :)
 
We've moved in! The house is great, I really love it and our new area. :) There's still plenty to do in terms of getting some new furniture and unpacking, but at least we're doing that together. <3 I'm looking forward to this new adventure!
 
Yay! Happy housewarming!
 
Thanks RainyGrlJenny and PinkPig!

House stuff is going well. We're all pretty excited about living in this house together. :) However, two things have happened: Me and Dahlia decided that we're "officially" a couple and a few days later, completely unrelatedly, Dahlia and Hank broke up. So you can imagine my mixed feelings about all this. They both say that they still definitely want to live together and they appreciate each other as friends, but it seems like they were just ultimately incompatible for a romantic relationship. So as one new relationship emerged, another dissolved. How strange. Now we have three ex-couples in the house. That sounds worse than it is though. We're all primarily friends and I'm fairly certain we will make this work. :) But I'm still kinda happy and sad at the same time.
 
Double NRE, hello old friend! :eek: Things are going really well with both Dahlia and Fay, and I have so many positive, uplifting and preoccupying thoughts and feelings. It's quite exhausting at times, but I'm also enjoying it a lot. They are both wonderful, and I'm really happy. :)

My relationship with Hank has also improved a lot now that I have more stuff going on in my own life. The more I rely on him for company, the worse we're doing. This is why I think we'd never work as a mono couple. I think he quite enjoys the situation where he feels like he's not pressured to spend time with me but still gets some time. We have a couple of routine ways to spend time together: On weekend mornings I go to his room to wake him up and then we stay in his bed cuddling and talking for a bit before getting up for breakfast. Then on Sunday evenings we often take a bath together. Obviously these won't happen if for example one of us has a guest staying over or one of us is not home, but we do it whenever we can. It's nice to know that even if the week has been really busy, I still get to see him one-on-one on those times at least.

Therapy has also been super helpful. I feel like I'm much better at stating my own boundaries and even sometimes letting people down when I have to do self care. It's still not easy, but I think I'm improving. I've also discovered a lot about myself there, issues I didn't even realise I had. I've dealt with anger and how I can't really recognise it in myself, let alone express it. There's some sort of a block there. And I've dealt with a lot of fears that I have, where they come from and what can I do about them. What a process. It's made me so much happier and more self-aware.
 
I really try not to worry too much about the future, but I just can't help it sometimes. Things are going so well with Dahlia that I'm starting to worry if it can continue for a long time. We fit together well in most things, but there is one thing that we fundamentally disagree on at the moment, and that is having kids. Dahlia has said she probably wants them within a few years. Eddie also wants them, so if things continue going well for the two of them, they'll probably try to have kids together. I don't want kids of my own, and I also probably don't want to live with kids. Of course, I could change my mind about it, but this is how I feel at the moment. There are so many things that could happen that makes this a non-issue: Dahlia could change her mind, I could change my mind, Dahlia might not be able to have kids even if she wants to etc. So it feels a bit pointless dwelling on it now. And even if it does happen and we have to move apart, we would have still had a couple of happy years together. Why am I trying to sabotage my own happiness in the moment with some possible future scenario? I guess I want to be able to at least imagine a long future together. That feels difficult with the kid issue being in the way. It's hard to imagine a future for me and Dahlia where we're both happy and get what we want, when we want different things now.

I just wanted to write this out in order to deal with the fear of not having her in my life in the future, and it does help to recognise it and to voice it. But life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, right? So in reality we'll just have to enjoy the moment and wait and see what happens next. :)
 
Me and Dahlia had a really good conversation yesterday about having kids. She actually brought it up even though it's really been on my mind as well, as you can see from my previous post. She said she's really enjoying the current living situation and both of her relationships (me and Eddie). She said she's been thinking about our situation when it comes to her wanting kids and me not necessarily wanting to live with them, and that she'd really like to make it work somehow regardless. Since this is not happening now anyway, we both said we're open to changing our minds and seeing where this goes in the next couple of years. That really made my heart melt. We're both thinking about the future and how we could stay in each others' lives.

You guys, I think... I think I'm falling in love with her. :eek: In a way that I haven't experienced since Hank. In a way that is stable and constantly growing instead of exploding. It just feels so right.
 
Yay!!
 
Thanks PinkPig and RainyGrlJenny! :)

Things are still going perfectly with Dahlia. I recently told her that I love her and she said the same back. :eek: We're planning on visiting Home Country and her meeting my family and friends there later this year. Everything is just going so swimmingly and we're both pretty deep in NRE.

...Which brings me to my other subject. Hank is having some difficulties dealing with the me and Dahlia situation. Outwardly he is behaving well, but he tells me that he often feels bad about the fact that his partner is dating his ex. He feels...replaced I guess. Since Dahlia broke up with him pretty soon after me and her started dating. And I can understand that. He has also told me about some other feelings he's having and some of them really remind me of the time when it was me, Hank and rory in a similar situation and how I was feeling at the time. So I keep drawing comparisons to that and Hank gets upset because he doesn't think these situations have that much in common. And then I feel like he never really understood how I was feeling back then if he can't see the similarities. And so on. We've had basically the same argument several times because we just can't seem to fully grasp each other's point of views. But today I think I realised one thing. Hank keeps saying how it's so different because me and Dahlia have a sexual relationship, which him and rory never had. But thinking back on it now, I remember several conversations with both Hank and rory separately where I said that what had already happened (them getting close, having romantic feelings and spending a lot of time together) is already the "worst case scenario" for me. Whether they decide to have sex on top of that or not is pretty irrelevant to me. For me it was so much more about losing that "specialness", that I couldn't talk to either of them about the other, about integrating bits of my life too much, being left out. None of that has anything to do with sex. I genuinely believe (although cannot know for sure) that it wouldn't have made the situation much worse for me if they had had sex. Whereas with Hank it seems that sex is exactly the thing that makes the most difference here. That is the thing that makes him feel the worst and the thing that makes him think these two situations are so different. So he thinks he has it "worse" than I did back in the day because now there's sex involved. But what he's not realising is that for me that never mattered. So basically if I put myself in his shoes in the current situation, I think that I'd have pretty much the same set of feelings I did back when it was me, Hank and rory. Whereas when Hank puts himself in the shoes of past me, he thinks his feelings about that situation would be very different to what he's feeling now in the current situation. Which is why he doesn't understand/like it when I compare the situations. Comparing feelings is usually pretty futile because they're so hard to grasp, but I think this revelation just helps me understand both him and myself more.

When it comes to Fay, things are going pretty well with her as well. We see each other usually about once a week and we really like each other. There are a couple of things that I sometimes struggle with that make me think that maybe this relationship is not meant to last forever, but then again, who cares, right? I'll just try to enjoy it while it lasts. :) The issues we have have to do with sexual dynamics (her being gray-asexual who does have sex sometimes with some people, but with who and how...it all gets pretty complicated) and some differences in how out of the closet we want to be. She has a primary partner that she'll marry next year and everyone knows they are together. She's not as out about her other partners, and that has potential to bother me a lot. I've had this hierarchy problem with at least two partners in the past, but it's the kind that I can't really see properly from the start, because I always understand that people don't want to be out about something that's just developing, that's not really serious yet. So I always wait until we've been together long enough to warrant that step, and sometimes it turns out it's not a step they want to take at all. So we'll see. It's possible that I'm just worried for nothing, but I guess I have some baggage around this.
 
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