Mya's search for balance

I spent last weekend in an event that made me super happy. Several lovely things happened, but I want to tell you about one thing in particular. :) This same event happens twice a year, and this one was my third one. There's this one person who has attended the same three events as me, and I've had a bit of a crush on him since I first met him. In the first event I didn't even talk to him, I just admired from afar. In the second we did talk and it was really lovely. But I never thought that he'd be that interested in me. He's the kind of person who's nice to everyone and who many people recognise.

So when I saw him this time around, we had a long, warm hug that made me feel kinda special. I decided to send him a note within the event. On the other side of the note I put a cheesy pun that was a bit flirty, but on the other side of the note I wrote a nice friendly message, nothing too heavy. Later in the evening, after he had received the note, I was talking to someone in the hallway when he walks past. He hugs me and whispers to my ear "I like you" and walks away. The person I'm talking to notices that I'm blushing. :eek: I fan myself for a bit and continue the conversation for a bit longer. Then later I see him again. He approaches me... and we kiss. It's really nice, soft but quite passionate. It felt like time had stopped. Then he says "I've been wanting to do that for a long time. But out of respect for my partner I can't go further than this." As a side note, this is an event full of non-monogamous people and his partner was there as well, in a different room though. I like his partner a lot too and would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. But I had thought that they were non-monogamous since they've been attending the event. Now I'm left wondering whether that meant that they just have some specific boundary around events they go together, or maybe they need to negotiate things in advance, or something like that. Or maybe they just are monogamish (with kissing being allowed) even though they attend these events. The next day I asked if we could have a private chat at some point, which he said yes to, but then we kinda lost each other in the event and didn't have a chance to do that. He doesn't live in my city, so I sent him a facebook message asking if we could have that chat the next time he visits my city (which I know he does regularly) and he said yes. But before that happens, I won't know what he meant with not being able to go further than that kiss. I'm super curious.

But regardless of what happens from now on, I feel soooo good about the fact that someone I've had a crush on for a long time has also been having some kind of feelings for me for a while ("I've been wanting to do this for a long time"). Even if nothing else ever happens with him, I feel happy that I got that kiss and those words. I'll always have the memory of us both feeling this connection/desire and expressing it to each other. That moment was magical to me. :)
 
I can't wait either, nycindie. :D I'm glad my adventures are entertaining!

I haven't updated here about my metamour situation. I've fairly recently gotten two more since both Dahlia and Fay have started dating someone new. I met Fay's new partner, Isaac, in the event I mentioned above. We had both heard from Fay that the other would be there, but it was a bit strange knowing I'd meet him for the first time without Fay being there. But it wasn't as awkward as I feared. We had a brief chat, but didn't really hang out because we had our own things to do there. At least we've now met, so that was nice. :)

I've hung out with Dahlia's new partner, Hy, quite a bit since they've been around the house and attended some of the same events as us. They seem like a nice person and fit well in our group. So all is well in the metamour land!
 
Gabriel did something really horrible to Fay. :( As a consequence of that, she left first him and then me and Isaac as well because her life pretty much turned upside down. She says she needs to be single for a while when she sorts her life out. She doesn't have the energy to think about anyone else than herself at the moment. She'd like us to stay friends, but she's "not fit for a relationship right now". I'm super sad about all of this. I'm sad for Fay and that she has to go through all of this, but I'm also sad for myself that I lost Fay. :(
 
I'm so sorry, Mya :(

I hope Fay will stay in your life and might want to resume things when she's in a better place.
 
Thanks for the sympathy, MeeraReed. :)

Fay has been texting me fairly frequently since the break-up. She has just moved to her own place (well, with roommates, but own as in separate from Gabriel) and seems to be getting her life back on track. She invited me over for dinner at her new place tonight. I said yes. I have no idea what's going to happen, but I try not to be too hopeful. There's a part of me that misses her a lot and wants to get back together, but there's also a part of me that thinks maybe the break-up was for the best. I guess I'll know more when I actually see her and we talk. If she wants to get back together now or later, I'll just respond according to how I'm feeling about her in that moment. I do know that I have a tendency to try to see the silver lining in everything and that often happens in break-ups. So maybe I've just convinced myself that this was actually a good thing even if it's not. :rolleyes:

In other news, I have a date with a new person next week. I totally wasn't looking to date again this soon, but it just kinda happened. :eek: I met her at a party recently, we flirted and made out a bit, and then she messaged me the next day. We messaged back and forth for a few days, talked about cinema, and then I asked her to see a movie with me. It all came about very effortlessly, unlike what tends to usually happen with women, in my experience. Often I feel like it's hard to tell if a woman is flirting with me or if she's just being friendly, and then even if I recognise that we're both flirting, both people just seem to wait for the other to make the first move. In the end I often end up making the first move, which I'm starting to be okay with. When my preference is this strongly in the women end of the spectrum, it's just a thing I've needed to learn in order to get anywhere with them. :cool:
 
So the dinner with Fay went really well. She said that she regretted breaking up with me and apologised like a thousand times. She kept saying that I'm awesome and she's an idiot and that I had done nothing to deserve that. I also got some new information about the events leading up to the break-up. Apparently she had a hurtful situation with Isaac and his other partner just after the break-up with Gabriel, and she basically threw the baby out with the bathwater being like "everyone keeps hurting me, so I'll just be single", me being the baby in this metaphor since I had done nothing to hurt her. She realised her mistake pretty quickly after the decision, but wanted to wait until we see each other face to face to talk about it. So I forgave her and said that I still like her, and we got back together. :)
 
Yay! :)
 
Yay once more! Her reaction is so understandable, and good that she saw how not everyone is hurting her. Here's hoping for happiness for both of you! :D
 
Thanks nycindie, RainyGrlJenny and Nadya! :)

It feels really good to be back together with Fay. :) And this might be a weird thing to say but I kinda like dating her more now that she's not with Gabriel anymore. I mean, we see each other about the same amount than before, so it's not that, but now she doesn't have to check stuff with him if she wants to make plans and she can come to parties without him (she used to always bring him along to parties) and maybe be a bit more independent in a way. Me, her and the household went to a party together recently and I tried to encourage her to go talk to new people if she wants to, and she did. It's nice to see her being that lively and social. :) She has also started talking to a friend of mine, and I have a feeling they might be interested in each other. Or that if they continue talking, it might develop that way. This friend was originally Hank's friend, but he's become friends with the whole household since he often spends whole weekends at our place, and nowadays we consider him an honorary member of the household. :D So, the two of them possibly becoming a thing makes me a bit nervous from a selfish point of view - again with the two people close to me getting together thing. But at least I know he is a good guy, unlike some other men Fay has dated, so in that sense it would be good. I have many conflicting feelings about this, but I'm sure it'll be fine either way.

Then yesterday I had my first date with the new person! Let's call her Jasmin. It went really really well. :) She is very pretty, funny, smiley and touchy-feely. I like that. We kissed a lot during the date and it was absolutely delicious. The only problem is that both of us are dating 3 other people at the moment, so time is going to be difficult to arrange. When we were messaging each other after the date, she said "let's do this again soon...or poly time soon!", and I laughed. Indeed. Soon for us two might mean in a few weeks' time. :p But at least we're in the same boat with that one. I like her. Let's see where this goes. :)
 
Cool insight re Hank v you around your different 'worst case' scenarios. It's great to figure out the root of a conceptual disconnect with another person, especially when it's a partner.

Interesting developments for you in other areas as well. Fay seems really self-aware and mature, and I'm glad you were able to stay together despite her bad experiences with other lovers. Plus some other possibilities simmering for you in the future, too! Always nice to read.
 
Thanks for commenting, fuchka! Always nice to read your input. :)

Things are pretty tense in the house right now. Hank and Dahlia have a conflict they haven't resolved yet and Dahlia doesn't want to talk about it to Hank before the weekend (that may sound a bit unusual, but she has reasons for that). So Hank decided that he'll go to his parents' place for at least a few days, if not the whole week. Eddie works in a different city at the moment and is only home for the weekends (he'll be back home full time in a couple of weeks) and rory is travelling with a friend this week. So it's going to be just me and Dahlia in the house for 5 days or however long Hank stays at his parents'. Hank and Dahlia have had their communication issues for a long time now, they just seem unable to talk to each other and feel understood. So they just don't talk about things that bother them about the other. Or sometimes they'll try, but that often ends in frustration.

I also have my own issues with Hank. I recently suggested couples counselling, but he refused. I don't really know where to go from here. We have quite a few separate issues with each other, but what we're trying to tackle at the moment (in order to get to the others) is the way we argue. We're trying to make our arguments less dramatic and stressful, so that it would be easier for both of us to come to the other with problems. I think the changes we're making are helping, but it's a slow process. I also have to admit that I feel like I'm doing a lot of the emotional labour with him. I try to suggest new ways to communicate or new ways to approach things so that we'd have an easier time. He does often try the things I suggest, but if he refuses, he doesn't usually have another idea to try instead. I also feel like we've gotten a bit more distant in the new house. Some space has been good, but I think it has come with downsides as well. And then there's also the me and Dahlia thing which is making Hank feel quite bad sometimes. I don't know. I hope we can still save this relationship, but it's not easy right now.
 
All of my partners are doing really badly at the moment for different reasons. I had a panic attack yesterday because I felt so shut down by Dahlia and so hopeless of her and Hank getting their conflict resolved. So I went to Fay's place for the night. She was trying her hardest to be supportive, and she was, but she's also going trough some serious shit at the moment in her own life, so we ended up talking about that as well. I'm happy to be there for her in general, but on that specific day it was quite difficult. I also saw a good friend of mine asking for help on Facebook, and I really wanted to help, but I just couldn't. She needed a place to stay for the night, but our house is not the place to host anyone at the moment. I'm really hoping someone will help her. I just feel so lost and hopeless and like I can't help anyone, let alone myself. When everyone is suffering at the same time, who can you turn to? :( This was the worst timing for my therapist to take two weeks off. I'm seeing her in 4 days, so that's really good and useful, but I would've really needed that in the last couple of weeks.
 
I think things are slowly improving in the house. I think both Dahlia and Hank are starting to feel better, but I also think something will have to change in this house. Even if they can talk through their differences, things between them will probably never be the same again. So I think it will mean that either the five of us won't be able to live together anymore or that Hank and Dahlia will have to start handling their relationship very differently. I don't know, it's all very up in the air right now.

In other news, Fay is taking me to her work event on the National Coming Out Day (October 11th). What a perfect way to come out at work. :) I'm pretty excited about it!

I have a second date with Jasmin next week, which I'm really looking forward to. She is so sweet and awesome. :eek:
 
Dahlia seems to be doing much better and things between me and her are good again. Me and Hank are fairly stable right now. Dahlia and Hank still have a way to go to sort our their problems, but I'm trying to stay out of that as much I can. I can't really do that 100%, but I'm trying my hardest to not take sides. I kinda understand both sides, but I don't know if they will ever understand each others' point of views.

I had a spontaneous date with Jasmin on Saturday. She asked me on that day and I happened to be free. She had two tickets to an art fair and nobody to go with, so I went. It was perfect. :) We had a really good time together and I was impressed by her remarks about art and philosophy. I admire her way of being, the way she enjoys the moment and accepts things as they come. Later on we started to get hungry but didn't want to spend much money on dinner, so ended up going to her place and improvised a dinner. It was super yummy. And then I stayed the night. :) I'm really smitten with her, she is just incredible. :eek: And I'm seeing her again tonight – we planned this one a while ago! I just feel so good when I'm around her.
 
So, Hank and Dahlia have basically decided that they can't be friends right now. They can be cordial in the house, but they can't spend too much time together or do fun stuff like friends do. It might be different in the future, but right now that's how it is. That also means the five of us can't do group stuff together. :( Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. We have a year-long lease on the house, so we do have to live here for quite a while still. I guess time will tell how the two of them will get on when a bit of time has passed.

All five of us are also thinking about our next move after the year in this house has passed. Some of us might not want to stay in this country anymore. The 5 of us come from 3 different countries (Hank and Eddie are locals, me and rory come from the same country and Dahlia is from a third place) and everyone is pretty open to the idea of moving somewhere else. But where to, that's where our opinions might differ. We have different priorities. So if some/all of us do leave, we might not end up in the same place.

Also, to complicate things further, rory and Eddie have recently started dating. Well, they've had some sort of thing for a long time already, but neither of them have wanted to label it as dating. The recent change is that they're slowly taking steps towards labeling it and I guess some things in their relationship will change accordingly. I guess...more commitment? Possibly. I can't speak for them obviously, but that's what I think. So all in all, what we have now is like a line or zigzag:

Hank-Mya-Dahlia-Eddie-rory

Or a circle, if you also take into account that rory and Hank are best friends and will definitely take each other into account when deciding where to live and all that. I think they spend more time together than Hank spends with me, or rory spends with Eddie.

This will be one peculiar web to disentangle.
 
Sounds intense on all fronts. I guess that is always the inherent danger when dealing with multiple relationships under one roof: Breakups complicate things considerably.

I hope it stays civil and bearable.
 
Thanks, Phy. :) That is very true. It was a risk we took knowingly. We knew that this could blow up in our faces, but we wanted to at least give it a go. And it was really great at first, but now it's really not.

We have now decided that when the year is over, the five of us won't continue living together. Last weekend there was a conflict between Dahlia and rory. I'm really tired of all of this, being in the middle of it, getting caught in the fire without actually being the target. Well, I guess that's still better than being the target. Hank and rory are a team, they're quite similar and they want the same things from a living situation. Dahlia is very different from them. Me and Eddie are in the middle. I think in terms of personalities and living preferences we form a continuum like this: Dahlia-Mya-Eddie-rory-Hank. I think Eddie would be fairly happy with living with any combination of us. I'm leaning more towards Dahlia's ways, but I have lived with rory and Hank before and that's been okay (at least okay, often great) as well. But I definitely see a lot of benefits in living with a person like Dahlia. I've enjoyed it a lot, except these last few weeks when there's been conflict and I haven't always enjoyed the ways she's handled them. But I think that might often have something to do with who she's having them with. I think Dahlia understands me and Eddie better and thus doesn't often have similar problems with us. But what do I know, maybe that's just a matter of time, and me and her will also start having conflicts later. That remains to be seen. For now at least I think I'm still leaning towards either living with Dahlia and Eddie or none of the above (as in moving in with random housemates).
 
It's my birthday this week. It's pretty great to have multiple partners when you're the birthday girl. :D I've been out with Dahlia on Tuesday, Fay on Wednesday and Hank on Thursday, and I'm having a party next week. I feel utterly spoiled. :) Me and Fay said 'I love you' for the first time as well. <3

We had a house meeting recently, and that was really good. I think it cleared the air considerably. I mean, we're not backing out of the decision to not live together in the future, but at least we can try to make it more bearable in the meantime.
 
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