Mya's search for balance

So sorry, Mya. Sending you hugs and good vibes.
 
Thanks for the sympathy, RainyGrlJenny.

Damn this is hard. Breaking up from a relationship that was such a big part of my life for a long time. And when we got back together a year ago, I swore to myself that if we ever broke up again, I would not get back together again. So I know this is the end, for good. It's hard to not lean on each other when dealing with this because we used to lean on each other with everything. We always processed stuff together, that was our thing.

The first three years mine and rory's relationship was one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me. I was so happy with rory, I felt so connected to him. He understood me better than anyone. Then things started to go downhill for a few months and then rory broke up with me. When we got back together, it was good for a while, but never really as good as it used to be. Then it started to go slowly downhill from there.

I hate the fact that I broke up with someone who has mental health problems, can't work at the moment and needs my help. I feel like a shitty person. Like, the worst. But at the same time I know I need to put myself first right now. I just have to. :(

What makes this worse is that Hank sees himself and rory as quite similar people, which is true to some extent. So he's now worried that the same thing will happen to us. But Hank doesn't have mental health problems, and there are a lot of things that are different in mine and Hank's relationship. I think he's mainly worried about the fact that our sex life might end at some point and then I don't want to be with him anymore. I'm sure it can end at some point, but hopefully we'll have a few decades left before that. If it ends because of old age and/or having been together for a long long time, I think I can handle it better. Also, I'm getting older beside him (we're almost the same age), which I always say to him, but Hank is convinced that I will always want more sex than him. I mean, that's entirely possible, but I still think we're getting way ahead of ourselves if he's worried that I'll leave him when he stops wanting and/or being able to have sex. I also really don't need this right now. I don't have the energy to worry about mine and Hank's relationship as well. We are fine now. Better than ever, really. I wish he wasn't so worried about it.
 
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Yesterday I tried talking to Hank about mine and rory's break-up and its reasons, and he got upset because I was "venting about one of his best friends". So I've basically reached a point where I feel like I can't talk to Hank about this at all. He either takes things I say as signs that these things can happen to us as well, or he gets upset if I say anything negative about rory. And I really wasn't even venting! In my mind I brought up things that I was no longer able to handle in the context of a romantic relationship with rory and my thoughts about whether we can still continue living together or not. Hank is so invested in all of this. He has feelings for rory, he wants to continue living with him and supporting him. Of course he has feelings if I say things that might mean he has to choose between living with me or living with rory! But the way he reacts is just too much for me. When I'm in a state of trying to process and grieve a break-up, I cannot handle his reactions as they are at the moment. So I've decided that I just won't talk to him about rory unless I have to or unless I've made a decision that affects both rory and Hank. But when I'm still in a state of not knowing what I want and processing different options, Hank is not the person to do that with. :( Obviously I can't do that with rory either, so I feel really alone in this. I can talk to friends, and I do that, but it feels so wrong that this is something I can't share with Hank.

Also, somehow through all of this, it really feels like Hank has become the main hinge in this emotional triad. Me and rory are trying to spend less time together, so Hank often has to choose which one to hang out with. If I come to the conclusion that I don't want to live with rory anymore, I'm not even sure that Hank would choose to live with me. I haven't come to any conclusion yet, but I'm just thinking through my options. I guess if I do choose not to live with rory, I'll have to be prepared to lose Hank as well as a live-in partner.
 
Sending hugs your way, Mya! I'm sorry you are going through all this. :(
 
Ah, this is really tough Mya! Sorry that you're going through this :( Hope you have people you can talk things through with, if/when you need to talk your thoughts out. Thinking of you
 
I have been thinking about you the past few days and hoping you're coping alright. Big hugs for a peaceful and happy holidays.
 
Thanks PinkPig, Nadya, fuchka and starlight1 for your kind words!

It's been difficult, living with my ex and trying to process the break-up at the same time. Our friend Will moved in a couple of weeks ago, into rory's room. After that rory has been sleeping on a mattress in the kitchen and hanging out in whatever room happens to be available. That really got to me, I felt like I really needed some space from him, but he was always there where I also wanted to be. I talked to rory about it and we made a plan. So, rory spent about 4 days at a friend's place, and when he got back, I went to Yvonne's place. She's travelling at the moment, so she said I could use her room while she's away. Her housemates are really nice and they've welcomed me with open arms, so that's cool. :) I'm planning on staying here for about 5 days. After that me and Hank are going to spend another 5 days at his parents' place for Christmas and after that I'm going to Home Country for two weeks. All of this gives me and rory plenty of time to not see each other, which I'm sure will help.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out what I need to work on. I came across this article: https://www.howtoforgivepeople.com/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency. It's about emotional self-reliance and I found it really helpful. I've struggled with being alone a lot and that's just gotten worse recently. It's really good for me to stay at Yvonne's place and just be on my own, face any daily challenges I have on my own. Since there's no one I can rely on while I'm here, I have to develop certain skills. Like figuring out what to do when I'm bored. It's weird that I've gotten this way because I have lived alone (or with random housemates that I didn't know) several times and I did OK. I think it's much worse to miss other people when they are just a couple of doors away than if they are not in the same house at all. The latter is kind of easier to accept. But I think I need to start having some me-time regularly, regardless of when other people want to be with me. So far I've just endured alone time and have felt happier the moment someone knocks on my door wanting to hang out. But maybe I should start seeing it differently, as a tool for growth.

I also really want to work on my resistance over two people I love also loving each other. I mean, I'm completely fine with people I love loving other people than me. As long as they are not the same people I also love. :rolleyes: I really want to change that. I feel like that is something I've held on to for a long time, as something I have known that I would struggle with if it ever happened. And when it did, of course I felt bad about it, after having convinced myself for years and years that I would. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Also, relating to the previous thing, Hank and rory have started dating the same person! I'll call her Dahlia. If the timing wasn't this, that would be hilarious and/or cute. Right now I just feel like I'm being replaced as their shared partner. I'm trying to get over that, because it looks like Hank is really into her, so this might even be a long-term thing. Which is also new in mine and Hank's relationship since while he has dated a few people, it usually hasn't lasted for long. This seems to have more potential for a serious relationship. I don't really know how rory is feeling about her, but I'd guess that their thing is non-sexual because of rory's orientation. Then again, who knows, his orientation changes every once in a while... Anyway, it's a challenge because of the circumstances, for sure. But I'm trying my hardest to work on that as well.
 
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I'm still in Home Country. I spoke with Hank on Skype yesterday. He told me that him and Dahlia have decided to start calling each other partners. So that happened. I'm really glad for Hank, he seems so happy. :)

I've been quite peaceful while I've been away. I feel totally fine with Hank's new relationship, and the thought of me having only him and him having me and Dahlia doesn't feel bad. I mean, I am also dating Yvonne, but we don't see each other very often and we don't really keep in touch in between seeing each other, so that relationship doesn't take a lot of time or emotional effort. To be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like a romantic relationship at all. But that's beside the point. The point was that Hank and Dahlia are way more involved with each other than me and Yvonne are, so basically at the moment - for the first time ever - Hank is having more "relationship time" in his life than I do. This is an interesting timing because I've been really trying to improve my self-reliance skills and to be better at being alone. I feel like I've already made some progress. I'm not in a rush to get into a new relationship. I wouldn't say no if I met someone great, but I've changed my...goal I guess. I don't want a relationship that's based only/mostly on sex anymore. I've had a few of those and even though I really like sex and I don't have enough of it in my life, I want more than that. I also don't want a platonic romantic relationship. I want to have relationships that are both romantic and sexual. I don't want to settle for anything less than that when I have the choice to just be on my own or with friends.

I might change my mind and start prioritising sex again, but this is where I am right now. I want to shift my focus away from it and see if I could just live with what I already have, even if that was even less than what I had before because of Hank being in NRE with Dahlia.
 
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Continuing the thought from the last paragraph of my previous post:

Hank has actually been really good so far in dealing with two partners. He has taken my needs into account nicely and we haven't had less sex than before. I'm still a little worried about that because his general sex drive is pretty low, but so far so good. Our sex life will probably be the first one to go if he later feels like he needs to take it easy, because of course he wants to explore the new sexual connection first and foremost. I mean, he hasn't said that, but... NRE can be a powerful thing. I totally understand that and I'm mentally preparing myself for a decrease in the amount of sex I have with Hank. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I'm working on being more self-reliant anyway, so maybe it will even help with that goal.
 
Me, Hank and Dahlia spent an evening together recently, for the first time. It went really well. She seems like a lovely person and a good fit for Hank. :) The next day we had a party at our place, and Dahlia was obviously invited as well. She asked me privately if there are certain PDAs that I'd like her to avoid, either with Hank or with rory. I told her that I'm not going to set any limits, and if I do feel bad at some point, I will deal with it myself, not by restricting her behaviour. It was a really nice conversation though, I think it was sweet of her to ask. The party went really well, and I didn't feel bad about anything Dahlia/Hank/rory related. The party ended on a particularly lovely note when a woman I've been attracted to for a long time stayed over in my room and we had some good times. :cool: I like her a lot and would love to do that again, but we'll see. She is quite busy and also moving out of the country in a month or so though.

Then the big news: rory is moving to Dahlia's place, for now at least. Dahlia lives alone at the moment and apparently she has a decent sized studio. So she's agreed to let rory stay there for a while. I'm happy that rory has a place to stay and that me and him get some breathing room. And I'm glad that there will be only 3 people living at our place (it has felt really crowded) and everyone is paying rent. But I'm starting to see a pattern in rory's behaviour. He moved in with his first partner straight from his parents' house. When they broke up, he moved straight in with me and Hank. And now to Dahlia's. What all of these situations have in common is that there have been times when he hasn't been able to pay rent and has had to rely on others. I don't know how long Dahlia is willing to let rory stay for free, but my impression of her would suggest quite a long time. Dahlia is an extrovert who doesn't like being alone a lot and she's also very generous. So that can definitely work pretty well for a while. I remember when rory was moving in with us, his ex told me that he was happy that there was someone to take care of rory now that the two of them weren't together anymore. I kind of understand that sentiment now.

I've told rory that I'm willing to reconsider living with him again if he at some point has a source of income, but I'm not willing to pay his rent for him. I know rory and Hank would really like to live together again given the chance, but Hank feels the same as I do. He's willing to help rory out and pay for example a bigger portion of the rent, but not so much that rory's share is zero. So we'll see what happens in the future if rory's financial situation improves, but for now it'll be me, Hank and Will living together in one place and rory and Dahlia in another.
 
Interesting developments, Mya! Good that you have communicated your boundaries to rory for future potential living-together arrangements, and it sounds like the rory-Dahlia combo could be more compatible at least for a while. Generosity aside, there's a bottom line regarding whether or not you can afford something, so I hope it all works out well for them financially on that front.

Mm, also, very nice when a party ends on a lovely note like that :)
 
Thanks for your comment, fuchka, always nice to hear from you! :)

Rory has been away for a week, and we've been getting used to the new normal. It's been peaceful. I feel like I've gotten a decent amount of alone time with Hank, which has been lovely. It's not crowded in the house. I've enjoyed this week. Rory came to our place late last night and is staying for a couple of nights. It was nice to see him and I'm sure it'll be cool to catch up more tonight, but I think that's it. I feel like there's a lot of potential for me and rory to be really good friends, maybe see each other every week or so, but right now I'm happy not to be living with him.

Also, I'm starting therapy soon. I need a person to talk to about my feelings surrounding this without overburdening Hank, and I've also had a few panic attacks when I've heard rory and Hank talking about how much they'll miss each other, so I think therapy will be a good idea. The guilt of separating Hank and rory from each other is quite overwhelming sometimes.

And then yesterday me and Yvonne decided to go back to being friends. That's what it has felt like to me for a few months at least, and Yvonne said the same. The only reason that she originally would've been happy to continue as we were was that people often prioritise partners time-wise more than friends and she was happy that we were seeing each other regularly about twice a month. I promised that I would still prioritise her the same way I did before, because I do prioritise good friends. I see Maxine about every two weeks as well, so I see no reason not to do that with Yvonne. It's not that I don't like Yvonne or don't want to spend time with her, it's just that the expectations that I have about a romantic relationship weren't really met with her, whereas we make really good friends. So instead of having an unfulfilling romantic relationship, why not have a closer than average friendship? I'm a little bit sad about the development because the conversation I started about my expectations could've gone another way as well, we could've decided to start seeing each other more, start doing more stuff together, entwine our lives a bit more etc. But I'm OK with this as well. At least now there isn't a mismatch in my expectations and reality.
 
Argh, another turn of events. Dahlia broke up with rory. But they continue to live together. In fact that was one of the reasons for the break-up; Dahlia said that she'd find it easier to live with rory and help him if they're not romantically involved.

The day before the break-up I had a one-on-one conversation with Dahlia, because both rory and Hank wanted me to let her know that I've been struggling with the fact that rory and Dahlia are dating. That she's probably feeling like I'm keeping my distance from her and it would be good for her to know why.

And now I think Hank emotionally (but not rationally) blames me for the break-up and thus rory being unhappy again.

When will this end??? Why does everything have to be so damn connected to everything else. I just want to curl into a ball in the corner and not talk about my feelings to anyone (well, at least not Hank, rory or Dahlia) because nothing good ever comes of it.

I think the conversation that me and Dahlia had was very good and she had a lot of the same thoughts about rory than I do, but I have a feeling that she doesn't want to talk about them to Hank and felt better doing that with me. There is a very good reason for that. Hank gets so freaking defensive whenever I say anything negative about rory, so it's become a struggle to express anything like that to him. No wonder Dahlia doesn't want to do that, and I'm not sure I'd even advise her to. I'm really bad at keeping my feelings to myself, so I often don't have a choice (or that's what it feels like), but if I didn't feel horrible for not talking about it, I would definitely choose not to talk to Hank about rory.

I can't wait for my therapy to start. When I have someone to talk to about all of this, I won't need to talk to Hank about it, or at least not as much.
 
My therapy has finally started. That makes me very happy. :) Now I can keep my thoughts about rory mainly between me and my therapist and I don't have to involve Hank in them.

Will decided to move out of our place. Me and Hank are now trying to figure out what to do next. We'll probably try to find a new housemate. But for now, before we've made a decision, rory is staying in his old room again. Me and him have been getting along quite well recently, the space has really helped. We continue to have serious conversations and try to get closure for the break-up, but I think we'll just have to accept that we have somewhat different points of view about the events that lead to it. And that's okay. We've talked about what happened. We've both been hurt. We've both apologized and acknowledged our parts in the events. I don't know if there's anything more we can or should do before moving on. I feel ready to be friends. I've forgiven rory for the things he's done and I've forgiven myself for the things I've done. I hope he does the same. Of course there's still some processing to do, individually and together, but I really hope we can start over and build a good friendship regardless of what's happened. We'll see.

In other news, it's really weird only having one partner, and that partner now having another partner as well. This is so new! I have ridiculous amounts of free time now. When friends ask me to hang out, I can say to them that they can pretty much pick a date (with a couple of exceptions for therapy and a hobby). I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should get another hobby on top the one I already have? I'd really like to date new people, but I've been rejected so many times recently that it's starting to affect my self confidence. Like, 5 times in the last few months. I say rejected meaning that those people haven't wanted to date me, although a couple of them did have sex with me anyway. :rolleyes: I mean, sex is still better than nothing in these two cases and I'm happy that it happened, but I've still been pretty disappointed with my dating life in general.
 
Things continue to go really well with rory living in his old room again. He has a plan for potential income as well, so maybe this will become a semi-permanent situation again. But that remains to be seen. At the same time me and Hank are dreaming of a bigger poly household with friends. I'd really like that. Hank has also expressed that he might be interested in living with Dahlia in the future. So it could be the four of us (me, Hank, rory, Dahlia) plus a friend or two all living together. Who knows though, it's all up in the air at the moment.
 
Okay, relating to my last post, we now have a plan. We're going to discuss it in detail later this week, but here's the gist of it: me, rory, Hank, Dahlia and Dahlia's other partner Eddie would all live together. That sounds pretty complicated on paper, since there are 3 on-going romantic relationships (me & Hank, Hank & Dahlia and Dahlia & Eddie) plus two previously romantic relationships (me & rory and Dahlia & rory) plus two romantic or sexual friendships (rory & Hank and rory & Eddie). The only relationships that are straightforwardly platonic friendships are me & Dahlia, me & Eddie and Hank & Eddie. Everyone in the potential house are at least somewhat bi, so I guess anything could happen if feelings/chemistry happened. Sounds interesting, doesn't it? :D This could go so many ways (including horribly wrong), but I'm really trying to let go of expectations and instead just see what happens. Nothing has to be forever. If it doesn't work, we can always move apart again. Then again, maybe we'd have a great time together. :) Financially Dahlia (and possibly Eddie) would contribute more than me and Hank, to cover rory's share. They earn more than me and Hank, and Dahlia has been supporting rory for a while now anyway, so I've understood that this is something she'd be happy to do.

I've been feeling much better ever since I started therapy. I feel like I walk around with a much clearer head and better tools to work through my issues. I can't believe how big of an impact it has already made in a very short time! I love it. <3 I think being in therapy gives me courage to make braver decisions because I feel prepared to take on the world - there is always someone to help me if I get stuck.
 
In other news, I've been talking to a few people on OKC and I have one date set up for next week. There's also another one that might happen, and then this third one I just started chatting with yesterday but I have a good feeling about her already. She wrote me first, which I was really happy about. I hope I get a date with her! :)
 
Hooray for dates!! And your new living situation sure sounds interesting :) Therapy does sound like it is helping you a lot, I'm really glad for that. It can be a great process with the right therapist, so good that you've found someone you've connected with well.

Have fun with the OKC people, hope you enjoy yourself :D
 
Thanks fuchka! Yeah, therapy has been a huge help. :)

I've got news! So after a looong conversation, the five of us decided to go for it, rent a house together. It's pretty exciting, although also very nerve-wrecking. But I feel like I want to make it work. Me and Dahlia are getting closer as friends all the time, and I'm hanging out with Eddie today to get to know him a bit more. I'm sure it can be quite intense living in a house filled with different kinds of relationships, but intense can be both good and bad. I want to experience this, and if it isn't for me, then I'll leave. But let's at least give it a go. :)

Also, I did get a date with the woman I mentioned. Yay! So I have one date this week and the date with her next week. I hope they're nice people!
 
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