Navigating a friendship

[jayblue122]

So a few (3) months ago me and my ex girlfriend (Sarah) broke up. It was mostly mutual and when we parted ways we both expressed a desire for friendship.

Since the break up we have has a few sporadic but neutral or positive interactions.

This past week she asked me to lunch but then failed to follow up when I confirmed and attempted to communicate about time/place details. Now I have gone home for the holidays and will not be back till Feb. I am willing to chalk this isntance up to a miss communication.

In reflecting on our relationship and certain behavioral communication patterned between us I feel conflicted about working in on a friendship with her. I'm not even sure if that is something she would want and I have no interest in persuing a one way friendship. And I also don't have interest in being acquaintances.

The latest miss communication brought up feelings for me since prior to that I did just fine not thinking about or talking to her. But I also feel obligated to try and be friends with her or at least respond positively to her advances. Thinking about it I used to struggle to say no to her when we were dating too. And I think part of me wants to be friends with her. But I have alot of hurt feelings due to how the break up happened that have only sort of been discussed with her. I do think talking about them with her would probably make me feel better about it. Or hearing that she has feelings /thoughts would maybe help me humanise and empathize with some of her behavior. As it stands I have unresolved anger towards her. But telling her that is intimidating cusse I don't want her to think I still care or that I m vulnerable or something. Being vulnerable with her feels unsafe (emotionally).

I'm not sure what to do. Don't bother reaching out? Say no when she reaches out? Stop making myself available to her? Tell her how I feel and be open and honest? Try and be friends? Don't?

I'm sure shutting it all out would be easier but I don't know if that makes it the best option.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi jayblue122,

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings toward Sarah and as such, before you get together with her on a friendship basis, it might be best to talk about those feelings with her. You don't say in detail what those are, but they seem to be weighing on your mind.

I hope you can get things worked out with her. You do seem to want to be her friend.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

If you want some closure and feel discussing more what went wrong would help, ask for that.

Sometimes it helps to do that, but sometimes it doesn't work and just makes you feel worse.

I hardly ever stay friends with exes. Others do better at it. It's totally up to you whether you'd like to stay friends or not. If she says she wants to, but then drops the ball about a planned "friend date", it might've just been a miscommunication. Or she might be fucking with you.

Either way, you're out of town (college break?) and it's moot. Enjoy the distance and do nice things for yourself.

How does this question pertain to POLYAMORY, by the way?

 

[jayblue122]

We used to be in a V with me as the hinge. Poly variables were a factor in out break up. I posted about it here a few months ago.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. FWIW? This is what pops up at me.

The latest miss communication brought up feelings for me since prior to that I did just fine not thinking about or talking to her. But I also feel obligated to try and be friends with her or at least respond positively to her advances. Thinking about it I used to struggle to say no to her when we were dating too.

As it stands I have unresolved anger towards her. But telling her that is intimidating cusse I don't want her to think I still care or that I m vulnerable or something. Being vulnerable with her feels unsafe (emotionally).

I have no interest in persuing a one way friendship. And I also don't have interest in being acquaintances.

Sounds like you were doing better not talking to her. Like maybe being apart helps you work on letting the anger go and move on. But talking to her again brings the anger back up again. Also sounds like you don't love her inviting you to something and then kinda flaking out (?) Sounds like you don't love your own old behavior of not telling her "No."

You don't sound super into being exes and friends.

In your shoes? I would practice saying "No, thank you" and then you are no longer having to feel obligated to do stuff in order to avoid telling her no.

I'm not sure what to do. Don't bother reaching out? Say no when she reaches out?Stop making myself available to her? Tell her how I feel and be open and honest? Try and be friends? Don't?

Since talking about feeling angry makes you feel unsafe? Don't talk about it. You can give yourself closure over time. Sounds like you were already doing before your process got interrupted.

Could stop hanging out with her. Don't be available, and decline when she wants to hang out. If she asks why?

Tell her you find it best for you to let things lie. She can expect you to be polite if you happen to bump into each other on the street. She can expect you not to make special plans to hang out. You prefer to be polite exes.

Keep this easier on you.

Galagirl

 

[jayblue122]

Thank you for your insight GalaGirl