Navigating poly dynamics-- need real people to chat with

H

Hereinthedark

New member
Hello,

A bit of background to start:

I was in a 17-year relationship with the first person I really dated. We were married for 13 years. The final 4 years of our marriage we were more open. We didn't navigate this the best long term, and I do think it was a bit of a stepping stone out of our relationship, where we truly weren't the best romantic partners. I do believe we have a strong platonic relationship and very much could have navigated a bit of a nesting relationship on a different spectrum, likely still eventually with some physical intimacy, especially if we were both on a supportive page.

My exh really wanted to return to a traditional monogamous marriage. He also wanted me to flip a switch to being hypersexual with him, as that's what he had with his other partner. We just didn't get there. He and I have talked out a lot of downfalls and have a solid co-parenting relationship now.

Fast forward, we have been separated for 2.5 years. I have also experienced a significant amount of relationship loss from these lifestyle changes, and I live away from my family of origin. My parents have never been the type of people to be overly involved. I am close with my brother, but he is a borderline dependent. My lifelong best friend lives away. Long story short, I am a deep connector and I am really lacking any local close personal friendships at this time. Although I know many of the changes are for the best, I know I feel this void. I have built up some social contacts for fun, like board games periodically, and have a good group of coworkers, but I really miss having a local best friend, and those aren't easy to replace.

Now I am in a poly relationship with someone I really love. We have been together for 1.5 years. The closest thing I can identify with is probably relationship anarchy. But likely I am more monogamous, from a sexual and romantic pov. It's hard to imagine the alternative, as I haven't found another person that sparks my soul the same way. But I know I have loved multiple people in my life. And I've even have had very deep emotional connections with friends without physical intimacy, so I don't fully believe that I couldn't be in another romantic relationship.

He is poly and lives with his other partner. They have one kid together. It doesn't bother me that he has another partner. I think he really has put effort into making sure I feel important and valued, despite the inherent imbalance due to life circumstances. I have 3 children of my own and my own barriers to being always available. He does make me very happy, but at times it feels like I'm mostly just alone in the world.

When we first met, we discussed what his poly world looked like, what worked for me and what didn't. He said his partner ideally would like to have kitchen-table poly. Right now, things are more parallel, like, she has one other partner who she has been with for a couple years. They spend quite a bit of time together. I've recently been learning that pretty much anytime he is with me, she is with him. He has met her partner and they clearly cross paths, as when I dropped him off once, he made a comment like, Oh, X is still here. I haven't met his partner. I am not opposed to it, but where our relationship has been newer it wasn't a priority for me.

Even if, from a time perspective, I am a secondary partner, emotionally I feel more primary. We obviously share very different things. I have been really struggling with figuring out what I need, which is also holding me back from talking more openly with him about some things that are on my mind. I clearly I know I need a bit more on the relationship front. But I have no reference points, so it's hard to imagine a different world.

We have made some steps where we've taken our kids to an event together. He crosses paths with my kids weekly, me less with his, because it's less necessary. But I did spend two nights with them in his home while his partner was away, and it was one of the nicest weekends. I don't want to fast forward and force things to be more than they need to be. I love him and care for him and I really respect his family life. He is responsive to my needs. It's not easy for me to ask for things, so it's been good in that I am forced more to communicate them.

I totally understand no one can tell you what the future brings, but I get stuck in this place of feeling like I have the romantic relationship I need and this fear of our lives not growing together. I just can't conceptualize how all the pieces fit together without me being so on my own, so sometimes I toy with the idea of just acknowledging all the good things I have got to already do in life that others never do, and imagine a future where I am just content isolated and alone. I imagine the future where I am happy alone, invested in grandchildren. And sometimes I am content with this, but sometimes my fear is going to prevent me from putting myself out there.

So in all the journey, I've come to these places:

1. What I am really lacking is close intimate friendships. What I should focus on is connections that focus on this. I have made a few friends, and definitely have one that I could call if I was having a day. We are not consistent, but that's also okay.

2. I have no idea how to proceed with dating poly. I am too deep now to date to just see where things go. I don't feel like that's fair to my partner, even if in he beginning he said, if you ever feel like you need a more monogamous connection, let's have a conversation about it, because I don't think monogamy is what I need. We did talk about what he wants to know from me. He said he doesn't need to know if Ben and I go for milkshakes, but he would want to know if I was developing a similar dynamic to us. Now our relationship is much deeper, so it's apples to oranges. The bottom line was if a relationship progressed to regular dates with physical intimacy. I haven't got there with anyone yet. I have gone on a few first meet-ups, but I generally find I don't feel invested because my heart is with him. My friend said to me, after talking to her about my date: what I hear is you really love X.

The last date I went on I fully disclosed my situation, but I know I wouldn't get what I was looking for out of that situation. I haven't openly put poly on my profile because I also don't want to open the door to being a bunch of people's secondary partner. But I also don't have the experience to know if that wouldn't be something for me, if it was a consistent deep connection, because my life circumstances are far removed from imagining a nesting partner at this time.

Obviously, I suspect there are other people out there like me. I just haven't had the opportunity to meet someone who is open to poly, and sparks me in the way that I want to be equally or closely involved. It's like I have my partner and the other person has been more of a time filler. So I just don't date. My experience has been like, this person is fun to hang out with, but I'd rather be with my partner. Or someone being okay with my poly relationship, but actually secretly hoping our connection will overpower that, and they will win because they want monogamy.

I am not looking for judgement. These are just my honest thoughts. I am hoping to hear from people around navigating these things, how to break down my own barriers to poly dating. I love meeting new people, I just haven't found a good approach..

I feel like I have found a path, but it's atypical, so I am feeling lost on how to navigate it.
 
Hi, I'm sure others will be along with more feedback, but first I want to recommend you do some reading about polyamory, maybe. We have a great resource list, with very helpful books, articles and a podcast. I'd suggest starting with the book Opening Up, which is for people interested in ethical non-monogamy of all kinds, from swinging to polyamory, couples, solo, relationship anarchy, with kids, for seniors, etc., etc.

 
Hello Hereinthedark,

It sounds like you are just finding your way in poly, and can imagine (a) situation/s where you would want/be willing to be mono. I would be happy to chat with you about these things. You have some barriers to poly dating, and I just think you need to break through those barriers. You could put poly on your profile, just add that you don't want to be secondary to a bunch of people, that you want to be poly primary. There is such a thing as co-primary, that's probably what you want. I think you should also focus on developing close intimate friendships, that is the main thing you are lacking. Sharing your true feelings with people is probably the first step, it is hard to do because it is so risky. Hopefully I and others on this forum can help you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Hereinthedark,

It sounds like you are just finding your way in poly, and can imagine (a) situation/s where you would want/be willing to be mono. I would be happy to chat with you about these things. You have some barriers to poly dating, and I just think you need to break through those barriers. You could put poly on your profile, just add that you don't want to be secondary to a bunch of people, that you want to be poly primary. There is such a thing as co-primary, that's probably what you want. I think you should also focus on developing close intimate friendships, that is the main thing you are lacking. Sharing your true feelings with people is probably the first step, it is hard to do because it is so risky. Hopefully I and others on this forum can help you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Kevin. It would be very helpful to chat a bit more. I feel like I hit some barriers in poly dating and then found myself in a place where it just became difficult to know how to proceed from here... And I fear that poly identification gets mistaken for being open to casual sex or group activity, while I recognize I am more of a demisexual. Also, I know that sex is not what I am missing, so seeing some language on here like parallel poly and coprimary has been helpful for me to make sense of my own poly world.

I'd love to figure how to break down my barriers to poly dating, even if just to explore possibilities. When I started dating, I was so open to the idea of what type of people I could meet, if I was open to building connections, as opposed to a strict ideal of what a relationship needs to be.

The strongest relationships I got from that time were both with people who were poly... my current partner and my sustained friendship with the other. I was pretty upfront about my bad past experiences in poly, what I would need, versus what didn't work with me, and it was a great discussion that led to, I mean, let's be open to see how things go, and if it isn't for me, then no harm in saying that.

I do get that I stepped back from dating, because I lost energy for new. But then my poly relationship deepened into a loving connection and I needed a new road map for dating. My last attempt was clearly not in line with what I would want, because I was mostly looking for people who were more low commitment, falsely thinking this would be more inline with my current situation.

I do need to get back to putting myself out there to meet new people, to hopefully grow some more close friendships, but social energy has been a real challenge for me lately.
 
Hi Hereinthedark,

It sounds like what's blocking you is your fear or concern that you will get mistaken for being open to casual sex or group activity. You need to find a way to set a firm boundary that you are demisexual, and that you are looking for a relationship that is based on love not sex. Also you need to start looking for people who are more high commitment. Something is draining your social energy, what do you think it is?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin,

I guess my experience, so far, is that my profile attracts a lot of poly people. Maybe everyone's does, I don't know. Maybe because I am a quirky person. I guess I have encountered all types of dynamics, from solo to parallel to sounding like he is trying to be poly because his wife is, to looking for a third.

Your message is really good because I know I can be generally upfront that I am not good to pursue if your primary goal is casual sex. With my current partner, in our initial discussion around his dynamic, I was straightforward that I was looking for meaningful connections and did not want to put my time into something that didn't have room to grow. Staying straight up, I don't want to be a void-filler or an escape in a relationship/life, and have zero interest in a casual sex connection. He said he was not looking for just a casual sex connection.

There is nothing casual about our connection. Especially now, with being in a solid relationship, I feel like it should be easier to be selective in what I want, and I was really big on being, like, looking for connections that work with my situations. Like I couldn't date someone who doesn't understand my time is limited because I have 3 kids. Or I would not pursue a relationship with someone who is uncomfortable to know that I do a weekly dinner with my co-parent and kids, do Christmas together, etc. It's not that there isn't room for flexibility on how things are done, because everything needs to evolve, and does, as we both establish new paths, but there isn't a need for us, at this stage, to not be able to enjoy Christmas morning with the kids. If his partner wants to be a part of things, I'd rather integrate her than not see my kids on Christmas, even if other things evolve around it.

The point is, there are a lot of things in my situation that are not kosher, and I know in my heart that I need to pursue relationships that are aligned with these things. So I need to work on being confident in saying those things like, I am demisexual, I am in a poly relationship and I am looking to build loving connections in either friendship, romantic or otherwise.

I guess that's where I started, and now I am more mixed up, being deeper in, because I guess it feels weirder to tell someone new that I am in love with another person, and we have been together for 1.5 years.

When first dating, I told a guy like on the 3rd date, when he asked me about where I was at with other connections, that I was in a poly relationship and that relationship has been really good for and I was not looking to change that. The guy tried to work with it, but hoped our connection would out-pace the other, and we eventually broke up twice because where I was at didn't change. I do think he did the best he could, but ultimately couldn't advance our relationship unless I was willing to end it. And I could confidently say we were just looking for different things at that time.

I guess part of the barrier is riding the waves of being hopeful or optimistic and then the aww when it doesn't pan out. I'd like to get back to the mindset of it's fun to meet new people even if it doesn't work out. I guess it's hard to imagine meeting someone who would be on the same page with me now. I do have some cards stacked against me, and I guess I have hard time imagining someone seeing my cards and being like this is worth it. That's where I usually land with recognizing that I am happy in my relationship, and I want this person in my life, so maybe I need another avenue.

From a Friend point of view, I think it's that I have a social job, I have 4 days to myself every other week and if you factor in a recharge day, a cleaning day and time with my partner, you can see how time is my barrier. I haven't crossed that barrier where I could be like come have a tea when I am home with my kids. I have been seeing my partner more on the weekend, which is great, for sure. I find it really helpful for helping me to feel fulfilled, but when we do have those weekends where I don't, then it starts to leave me being like, what else do I need? And sometimes I can find things to go out to, or I'll be content with a day where I don't have to do anything. Maybe I need to try to pursue some one-on-one friendship dates, even if coffee for an hr. I know when people I've met at things asked me for that, I had a hard time prioritizing it because I wanted to garden, and to drive to the city, do coffee and get home, it's like half a day gone. I know it sounds silly, because I can accept that for a period of time social activities were not my priority, and that was okay.
 
Hereinthedark said:
feels weirder to tell someone new that I am in love with another person and we have been together for 1.5 years...
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I think that’s just something that the people who will fit in your life _will_ understand and the ones that don’t aren’t right for you. I mean, Artist and I are passionately in love with each other and ALSO understand that we each have other relationships that predate ours, and these things aren’t incompatible. (And we can be open about new connections without it being weird or changing anything.)

I think that’s just takes _time_, both to become comfortable with the idea for yourself and to establish the trust within a relationship that can reassure you when new things come up.
 
Hi Hereinthedark,

It sounds like you need more of what you have with your current partner. Tell prospective dating partners that you are looking for meaningful connections, do not want to put your time into things that have no room to grow, that you don't want to fill a void or be an escape, and that you have zero interest in casual sex. You have to be bold and straightforward about your wants and needs.

I don't think your situation is terribly unusual. In poly, there is a lot of wiggle room. There is quite a variety of poly situations out there. Anyone who wants to date you should be willing to understand that. You have time limitations, and are trying to figure out how to prioritize your schedule to include having coffee with someone in a friend date. Try to be patient with yourself as this is a process.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hereinthedark said:
Hi Kevin,

I guess my experience, so far, is that my profile attracts a lot of poly people. Maybe everyone's does, I don't know. Maybe because I am a quirky person. I guess I have encountered all types of dynamics, from solo to parallel to sounding like he is trying to be poly because his wife is, to looking for a third.

Your message is really good because I know I can be generally upfront that I am not good to pursue if your primary goal is casual sex. With my current partner, in our initial discussion around his dynamic, I was straightforward that I was looking for meaningful connections and did not want to put my time into something that didn't have room to grow. Staying straight up, I don't want to be a void-filler or an escape in a relationship/life, and have zero interest in a casual sex connection. He said he was not looking for just a casual sex connection.

There is nothing casual about our connection. Especially now, with being in a solid relationship, I feel like it should be easier to be selective in what I want, and I was really big on being, like, looking for connections that work with my situations. Like I couldn't date someone who doesn't understand my time is limited because I have 3 kids. Or I would not pursue a relationship with someone who is uncomfortable to know that I do a weekly dinner with my co-parent and kids, do Christmas together, etc. It's not that there isn't room for flexibility on how things are done, because everything needs to evolve, and does, as we both establish new paths, but there isn't a need for us, at this stage, to not be able to enjoy Christmas morning with the kids. If his partner wants to be a part of things, I'd rather integrate her than not see my kids on Christmas, even if other things evolve around it.

The point is, there are a lot of things in my situation that are not kosher, and I know in my heart that I need to pursue relationships that are aligned with these things. So I need to work on being confident in saying those things like, I am demisexual, I am in a poly relationship and I am looking to build loving connections in either friendship, romantic or otherwise.

I guess that's where I started, and now I am more mixed up, being deeper in, because I guess it feels weirder to tell someone new that I am in love with another person, and we have been together for 1.5 years.

When first dating, I told a guy like on the 3rd date, when he asked me about where I was at with other connections, that I was in a poly relationship and that relationship has been really good for and I was not looking to change that. The guy tried to work with it, but hoped our connection would out-pace the other, and we eventually broke up twice because where I was at didn't change. I do think he did the best he could, but ultimately couldn't advance our relationship unless I was willing to end it. And I could confidently say we were just looking for different things at that time.

I guess part of the barrier is riding the waves of being hopeful or optimistic and then the aww when it doesn't pan out. I'd like to get back to the mindset of it's fun to meet new people even if it doesn't work out. I guess it's hard to imagine meeting someone who would be on the same page with me now. I do have some cards stacked against me, and I guess I have hard time imagining someone seeing my cards and being like this is worth it. That's where I usually land with recognizing that I am happy in my relationship, and I want this person in my life, so maybe I need another avenue.

From a Friend point of view, I think it's that I have a social job, I have 4 days to myself every other week and if you factor in a recharge day, a cleaning day and time with my partner, you can see how time is my barrier. I haven't crossed that barrier where I could be like come have a tea when I am home with my kids. I have been seeing my partner more on the weekend, which is great, for sure. I find it really helpful for helping me to feel fulfilled, but when we do have those weekends where I don't, then it starts to leave me being like, what else do I need? And sometimes I can find things to go out to, or I'll be content with a day where I don't have to do anything. Maybe I need to try to pursue some one-on-one friendship dates, even if coffee for an hr. I know when people I've met at things asked me for that, I had a hard time prioritizing it because I wanted to garden, and to drive to the city, do coffee and get home, it's like half a day gone. I know it sounds silly, because I can accept that for a period of time social activities were not my priority, and that was okay.
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The difficulty I see from my perspective, others may disagree with me, if I was to date you, with your limited time, you wouldn't get a deep relationship with me, it would only be casual, as I need time to bond, get to know you and fall in love. Maybe those things could happen, but it would take a long time. You seem saturated at one to me, and there's nothing wrong with that.

One thing I've learned is that a casual relationship doesn't mean casual sex. You can still get to know someone first. It will just take some time. To me, casual means you are seeing someone less often, maybe just a few times per month.
 
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