I'm looking for a sounding board for a situation my partner of over 20 years and I are in. There is a lot of complexity, so I'm going to give a broad background first.
We were mono for most of our relationship, but it never sat comfortably with Robin, my partner. Looking back, I can see the harm that being a poly person without a culture that enables awareness and validation did to her and, by extension, me. We did various arrangements of non-monogamy, but none quite worked, for obvious reasons now. She also had two significant affairs, the last one 5 years ago.
Four years ago, she came out as poly and began a long-distance relationship with a daddy. I failed her in that I didn't fully show up to her process and make space to learn what her new identity meant to her so we could work together to support it. She failed me by continuing a long pattern of starting a relationship without shared intent, justifying it with my non-openness. There were other big things happening in our shared life involving parenting a kid with high needs and navigating chronic illnesses that complicated our availability to work through something hard as a couple. Instead, we came to a compromise that supported autonomy for how she and her daddy spent together and communicated, but put containers on the frequency of visits and the amount of intrusions I had to tolerate. That relationship has just ended. It was more accurately ENM than poly.
Now the current situation. Robin has come to a place of needing me to fully see and embrace her identity. I'm on board and am doing a lot of work to understand her experience and needs, and being honest about what I can and can't commit to. I'm more comfortable as a mono person, largely because I find poly to be a ton of challenging emotional work to do well, but I'm not 100% mono in how I naturally think about the world and relationships. It's more a question of what work I want to focus on, and choosing if this path is it.
The thing that catalyzed this shift for her, as well as the ending of her daddy relationship, was falling in love with a friend. She told me very soon after she realized the initial feelings that they were there, and were reciprocated. However, then she told me she couldn't meet the level of connection needed for the other person, Peregrine, and was backing away from the intensity, and focusing their relationship around work. (They are close colleagues.) So I left her to navigate this with the impression that she was not wanting to pursue a relationship.
Then she did the opposite, and dove deep into that connection with a level of intensity that disrupted her self care, our relationship, her daddy, and her ability to show up for our child. She didn't communicate this change, nor did we have an existing structure that supported a third relationship or an in-town relationship. We had basically no skills to navigate this together, and no agreement about what to do if she developed feelings for a new person. So, it effectively became an affair, and while it wasn't completely hidden, the extent of it and the depth of feelings that developed were concealed and minimized to me for months.
That relationship is now in limbo, where they want it to be a recognized poly relationship, and I'm struggling because it started with concealment in a way that perpetuated a long pattern between us, and I want space to try and figure how/if we can heal and come to a shared intention around poly in general, apart from her pursuing this specific new relationship. She basically says this is the second love of her life and she can't bear to pause it, and thinks it is workable to tend to our healing, redefine our relationship, learn new skills to notice and manage the concealment part of her, which is still very active, even though both Peregrine and I are helping call attention to it, all while continuing to deepen her connection with Peregrine.
I'm trying to give them some autonomy to figure out what their connection could look like in a less disruptive form. But I'm struggling because the way the relationship started was with broken trust, the concealment is still active, and I'm still experiencing some aspects of their connection as an affair, because we haven't come to a shared agreement/intention about what space is available for a new relationship and how to navigate it. (There's caring for a high-needs child in the mix, and chronic illness, so time is legit limited.) She and Peregrine are steaming ahead, and are very open to processing, but not open to pausing or pulling back in any way.
Most attempts I make to talk about the need for for space for Robin and me to do work are framed as trying to control. Peregrine is a relationship anarchist, so I get that pursuing the connection fits with their values, but Robin and I had a hierarchical relationship, and she's now acting almost autonomously, without explicitly realizing that or us agreeing that's what we're doing.
I'm wondering if anyone has input on this situation. I'm trying to show up in a huge time in my partner's life. There's a lot of big work that needs to happen for both of us, and it needs time and space. I don't know how to do that work with her safely while she's still pursuing Peregrine without a shared understanding between us.
Being poly doesn't mean all people you are attracted to, or even fall in love with, are possible for your existing structure, right? You can still have an affair as a poly person if there wasn't agreement among all parties beforehand about how to navigate a new connection, right? Am I way off base here in thinking it's going to be counterproductive to all of us for her to pursue Peregrine full throttle while also trying to create a structure between us to communicate about it, and simultaneously heal a long pattern of concealment (on her part) and not showing up (on my part)?
I appreciate your insight! And yes, we're in therapy and looking to switch to a counselor with lots of poly experience.
We were mono for most of our relationship, but it never sat comfortably with Robin, my partner. Looking back, I can see the harm that being a poly person without a culture that enables awareness and validation did to her and, by extension, me. We did various arrangements of non-monogamy, but none quite worked, for obvious reasons now. She also had two significant affairs, the last one 5 years ago.
Four years ago, she came out as poly and began a long-distance relationship with a daddy. I failed her in that I didn't fully show up to her process and make space to learn what her new identity meant to her so we could work together to support it. She failed me by continuing a long pattern of starting a relationship without shared intent, justifying it with my non-openness. There were other big things happening in our shared life involving parenting a kid with high needs and navigating chronic illnesses that complicated our availability to work through something hard as a couple. Instead, we came to a compromise that supported autonomy for how she and her daddy spent together and communicated, but put containers on the frequency of visits and the amount of intrusions I had to tolerate. That relationship has just ended. It was more accurately ENM than poly.
Now the current situation. Robin has come to a place of needing me to fully see and embrace her identity. I'm on board and am doing a lot of work to understand her experience and needs, and being honest about what I can and can't commit to. I'm more comfortable as a mono person, largely because I find poly to be a ton of challenging emotional work to do well, but I'm not 100% mono in how I naturally think about the world and relationships. It's more a question of what work I want to focus on, and choosing if this path is it.
The thing that catalyzed this shift for her, as well as the ending of her daddy relationship, was falling in love with a friend. She told me very soon after she realized the initial feelings that they were there, and were reciprocated. However, then she told me she couldn't meet the level of connection needed for the other person, Peregrine, and was backing away from the intensity, and focusing their relationship around work. (They are close colleagues.) So I left her to navigate this with the impression that she was not wanting to pursue a relationship.
Then she did the opposite, and dove deep into that connection with a level of intensity that disrupted her self care, our relationship, her daddy, and her ability to show up for our child. She didn't communicate this change, nor did we have an existing structure that supported a third relationship or an in-town relationship. We had basically no skills to navigate this together, and no agreement about what to do if she developed feelings for a new person. So, it effectively became an affair, and while it wasn't completely hidden, the extent of it and the depth of feelings that developed were concealed and minimized to me for months.
That relationship is now in limbo, where they want it to be a recognized poly relationship, and I'm struggling because it started with concealment in a way that perpetuated a long pattern between us, and I want space to try and figure how/if we can heal and come to a shared intention around poly in general, apart from her pursuing this specific new relationship. She basically says this is the second love of her life and she can't bear to pause it, and thinks it is workable to tend to our healing, redefine our relationship, learn new skills to notice and manage the concealment part of her, which is still very active, even though both Peregrine and I are helping call attention to it, all while continuing to deepen her connection with Peregrine.
I'm trying to give them some autonomy to figure out what their connection could look like in a less disruptive form. But I'm struggling because the way the relationship started was with broken trust, the concealment is still active, and I'm still experiencing some aspects of their connection as an affair, because we haven't come to a shared agreement/intention about what space is available for a new relationship and how to navigate it. (There's caring for a high-needs child in the mix, and chronic illness, so time is legit limited.) She and Peregrine are steaming ahead, and are very open to processing, but not open to pausing or pulling back in any way.
Most attempts I make to talk about the need for for space for Robin and me to do work are framed as trying to control. Peregrine is a relationship anarchist, so I get that pursuing the connection fits with their values, but Robin and I had a hierarchical relationship, and she's now acting almost autonomously, without explicitly realizing that or us agreeing that's what we're doing.
I'm wondering if anyone has input on this situation. I'm trying to show up in a huge time in my partner's life. There's a lot of big work that needs to happen for both of us, and it needs time and space. I don't know how to do that work with her safely while she's still pursuing Peregrine without a shared understanding between us.
Being poly doesn't mean all people you are attracted to, or even fall in love with, are possible for your existing structure, right? You can still have an affair as a poly person if there wasn't agreement among all parties beforehand about how to navigate a new connection, right? Am I way off base here in thinking it's going to be counterproductive to all of us for her to pursue Peregrine full throttle while also trying to create a structure between us to communicate about it, and simultaneously heal a long pattern of concealment (on her part) and not showing up (on my part)?
I appreciate your insight! And yes, we're in therapy and looking to switch to a counselor with lots of poly experience.
