Hi, new here. I'm 44 and have been married for over 20 years, together for 25, monogamously to the same man. We met when I was 18 so literally, I've been with one man my entire adult life. Until about two months ago, that is.
I brought up the idea of poly with my husband a couple years ago. He was open to it, though not intrigued by it himself. I love my husband dearly and he's been a rock-solid life partner and in certain ways we're extremely compatible, especially when it comes to co-managing our life together and having a very solid friendship. Sexually, romantically, and spiritually however.. we've been at best adequately compatible. No conflict or anything just.. adequacy. I've through the years broached the areas where I've been dissatisfied and while he's always had a willing spirit, I can only say it was clear I was wanting him to be something he's not, which isn't reasonable, so I dropped it.
After a couple decades I guess, and with our kids almost grown, it really started getting to me and I can't see spending decades more in this state.
I've read some polyamorous people describe themselves as *needing* multiple partners. I'm not sure I feel that exactly. I don't have a specific desire for multiple people; heck I don't even LOOK at most people. I just knew I wanted certain human relationship experiences that husband is just not going to be the one to provide me with, but there's also literally nothing about him that makes me want to leave him. He is a loyal, resourceful, good partner and friend, more than deserving of my continued partnership. At the same time I feel strongly about what I am missing, that if he wasn't open-minded about this, I'd be sad but OK with him leaving me. At the same time, I've never actually known anyone that would fill this void, so until two months ago, this was all very theoretical.
And then a couple months ago I crossed paths with an acquaintance. I learned he is compatible with me in all the ways I feel like I've been missing. And he very much appears interested in me. And even in the two amazing months I've had with this man, I've been able to verify that yes, there are things I very, very much want to have part of my life that can only be fulfilled by a partner/lover who is not my husband.
Husband has been supportive but.. also distant. He doesn't want to talk to me about this other relationship much at all, and doesn't ask questions. My new partner is very open to having a friendship with husband, and the one time they met they did get along very well - though that was pre-relationship. Husband is just disengaged, and has opted out of my attempts to engage him about it, so I have not pushed it. I'm personally VERY happy and do not want to do anything to rock this lovely little boat of mine. I'm unclear as to whether I need to make this progress somehow, or to just accept and respect that this is how husband wants this managed on his end.
While both husband and new partner have enough in common to have it off and (I think) have a friendship, they also inhabit vastly different worlds. They are both innovative, geeky, and for lack of a better word.. *good*. But husband is a highly educated engineer, lucrative career, orderly, neurotic, vanilla. Partner is a minimally educated artist, erratic work history, a bit chaotic, chill, and kinky. I am confident that husband has zero sense of superiority about these differences, but he has made some comments to suggest that maybe he fears he would develop such feelings if he got to know partner better (given the context of my relationship with him), and he knows that if he developed such feelings it would cause conflict.
Also, the burden of having this secret is strange and hard. My heart is full and it's so weird that when my partner comes up in conversation with others, I talk about him as if he's a casual friend.
I'm not sure what to do or what advice I'm looking for. Right now I just feel a little paralyzed, and this pandemic and its associated problems makes doing anything organic to transition this situation next to impossible for the near future. Guess I'm just looking for support and any words of wisdom from folks who have been here before.
I brought up the idea of poly with my husband a couple years ago. He was open to it, though not intrigued by it himself. I love my husband dearly and he's been a rock-solid life partner and in certain ways we're extremely compatible, especially when it comes to co-managing our life together and having a very solid friendship. Sexually, romantically, and spiritually however.. we've been at best adequately compatible. No conflict or anything just.. adequacy. I've through the years broached the areas where I've been dissatisfied and while he's always had a willing spirit, I can only say it was clear I was wanting him to be something he's not, which isn't reasonable, so I dropped it.
After a couple decades I guess, and with our kids almost grown, it really started getting to me and I can't see spending decades more in this state.
I've read some polyamorous people describe themselves as *needing* multiple partners. I'm not sure I feel that exactly. I don't have a specific desire for multiple people; heck I don't even LOOK at most people. I just knew I wanted certain human relationship experiences that husband is just not going to be the one to provide me with, but there's also literally nothing about him that makes me want to leave him. He is a loyal, resourceful, good partner and friend, more than deserving of my continued partnership. At the same time I feel strongly about what I am missing, that if he wasn't open-minded about this, I'd be sad but OK with him leaving me. At the same time, I've never actually known anyone that would fill this void, so until two months ago, this was all very theoretical.
And then a couple months ago I crossed paths with an acquaintance. I learned he is compatible with me in all the ways I feel like I've been missing. And he very much appears interested in me. And even in the two amazing months I've had with this man, I've been able to verify that yes, there are things I very, very much want to have part of my life that can only be fulfilled by a partner/lover who is not my husband.
Husband has been supportive but.. also distant. He doesn't want to talk to me about this other relationship much at all, and doesn't ask questions. My new partner is very open to having a friendship with husband, and the one time they met they did get along very well - though that was pre-relationship. Husband is just disengaged, and has opted out of my attempts to engage him about it, so I have not pushed it. I'm personally VERY happy and do not want to do anything to rock this lovely little boat of mine. I'm unclear as to whether I need to make this progress somehow, or to just accept and respect that this is how husband wants this managed on his end.
While both husband and new partner have enough in common to have it off and (I think) have a friendship, they also inhabit vastly different worlds. They are both innovative, geeky, and for lack of a better word.. *good*. But husband is a highly educated engineer, lucrative career, orderly, neurotic, vanilla. Partner is a minimally educated artist, erratic work history, a bit chaotic, chill, and kinky. I am confident that husband has zero sense of superiority about these differences, but he has made some comments to suggest that maybe he fears he would develop such feelings if he got to know partner better (given the context of my relationship with him), and he knows that if he developed such feelings it would cause conflict.
Also, the burden of having this secret is strange and hard. My heart is full and it's so weird that when my partner comes up in conversation with others, I talk about him as if he's a casual friend.
I'm not sure what to do or what advice I'm looking for. Right now I just feel a little paralyzed, and this pandemic and its associated problems makes doing anything organic to transition this situation next to impossible for the near future. Guess I'm just looking for support and any words of wisdom from folks who have been here before.
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