Need a poly friend (not a partner)

[BrightMoon97]

My wife (32) and I (28, female) have been exploring polyamory for about a year now. It’s been a rollercoaster — equal parts growth, joy, and “oh wow, this is harder than expected.” We’ve been together for 10 years, so there’s plenty of love and commitment, just… now with more people involved.
I’d really love to make a platonic friend who’s also in or familiar with the poly world. It can get pretty lonely trying to explain things to friends or family who just don’t get it (if one more person tells me “just don’t be poly,” I might actually scream into a pillow).

Right now, our setup is:
My wife has been dating for a while and now has a steady girlfriend (who I haven’t met yet — fingers crossed soon ).
I have a boyfriend who’s been around for about 9 months and he’s great. He’s basically moved in at this point.

My biggest challenges are jealousy and the “sharing is caring” part — still learning that “caring” doesn’t always feel natural at first! I think meeting my wife’s partner might help a lot, so hopefully we’ll all hang out soon instead of my wife constantly feeling tugged between two worlds.
Anyway, I’d really love to connect with someone who gets it — someone to chat with, vent to, swap stories, and remind each other we’re not crazy for believing poly can actually work.

Nice to meet everybody

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi and welcome!

We are a group of really friendly helpful people, and many of our regulars are quite experienced in polyamory. You might find more than one friend.

You can ask questions in our Relationships section.

You can share your life stories in our Blog section, and get gentle feedback if you wish.

Or you can read around and see who seems on your wavelength and DM them for one-on-one chats, if you want. I personally prefer posting publicly, to get more than one person's opinion, as polyamory is so diverse.

 

[Musso]

I'm a bit in the same boat regarding poly friendships. I openly talk about it to any of my friends, family and even random people I just met sometimes. Unfortunately, few are interested to know more about it. I'm going to go to a poly meetup in Montreal when I come back from a trip and can't wait to connect with people who understand me.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and he kept telling me it's just a phase I'm going through because of a prior marriage that didn't work. No surprise he was puzzled when I explained the kitchen table concept. I didn't have time to go into compersion but I bet he would have found it strange. Still, it's great that he's curious enough to challenge me.

This said, feel free to DM if you want to exchange experience and vent. I used to have a cuddle buddy who was poly and I miss our nice conversations about it all and relationships in general.

 

[BrightMoon97]

Thank you for the warm welcome! I'm glad the internet exists for connections in niche communities.

 

[BrightMoon97]

I'm a bit in the same boat regarding poly friendships. I openly talk about it to any of my friends, family and even random people I just met sometimes. Unfortunately, few are interested to know more about it. I'm going to go to a poly meetup in Montreal when I come back from a trip and can't wait to connect with people who understand me.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and he kept telling me it's just a phase I'm going through because of a prior marriage that didn't work. No surprise he was puzzled when I explained the kitchen table concept. I didn't have time to go into compersion but I bet he would have found it strange. Still, it's great that he's curious enough to challenge me.

This said, feel free to DM if you want to exchange experience and vent. I used to have a cuddle buddy who was poly and I miss our nice conversations about it all and relationships in general.

I never knew they had meet ups. That would be a great time I feel. Thanks for your response. It's always nice to meet other like minded people.

 

[Musso]

I never knew they had meet ups. That would be a great time I feel. Thanks for your response. It's always nice to meet other like minded people.

From my experience those groups don't last long unfortunately and surprisingly. Even when I was in New York City, I couldn't find anything that was still active. The closest I found was cuddle parties organized by a tantra institute. Most of the organizers were poly but it wasn't the point of the events.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings BrightMoon97,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope you can find that special friend that can listen with empathy to your concerns about poly, and not speak negatively about poly itself. If Polyamory.com can help with that, just let us know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Jeambo]

I hate it too when I have to explain what poly is to a friend who just can't understand...

Most people just use their old language to talk about poly, like, "I see, cheating is allowed in your relationship," or "You feel no jealousy just because you don't love him ENOUGH."

Luckily now we can find friends who can really understand online! Nice to meet you!

 

[Themanwhowants2doithisway]

My wife (32) and I (28, female) have been exploring polyamory for about a year now. It’s been a rollercoaster — equal parts growth, joy, and “oh wow, this is harder than expected.” We’ve been together for 10 years, so there’s plenty of love and commitment, just… now with more people involved.
I’d really love to make a platonic friend who’s also in or familiar with the poly world. It can get pretty lonely trying to explain things to friends or family who just don’t get it (if one more person tells me “just don’t be poly,” I might actually scream into a pillow).

Right now, our setup is:
My wife has been dating for a while and now has a steady girlfriend (who I haven’t met yet — fingers crossed soon ).
I have a boyfriend who’s been around for about 9 months and he’s great. He’s basically moved in at this point.

My biggest challenges are jealousy and the “sharing is caring” part — still learning that “caring” doesn’t always feel natural at first! I think meeting my wife’s partner might help a lot, so hopefully we’ll all hang out soon instead of my wife constantly feeling tugged between two worlds.
Anyway, I’d really love to connect with someone who gets it — someone to chat with, vent to, swap stories, and remind each other we’re not crazy for believing poly can actually work.

Nice to meet everybody

Hello, Jacqueline from California here. I am also new to this site. I was brought here because my partner has decided to go from having a unicorn lifestyle to wanting to pursue this on person and now we are supposedly in a poly relationship. With no type of real conversation about it. So now I just want to also look for friends that will make me feel like I’m not crazy. Xo

 

[Musso]

Hello, Jacqueline from California here. I am also new to this site. I was brought here because my partner has decided to go from having a unicorn lifestyle to wanting to pursue this on person and now we are supposedly in a poly relationship. With no type of real conversation about it. So now I just want to also look for friends that will make me feel like I’m not crazy. Xo

Hi Jacqueline, it doesn't sound much like a poly relationship to me. Hopefully you can find help here to navigate this situation.

 

[Themanwhowants2doithisway]

thank you.

 

[Themanwhowants2doithisway]

My wife (32) and I (28, female) have been exploring polyamory for about a year now. It’s been a rollercoaster — equal parts growth, joy, and “oh wow, this is harder than expected.” We’ve been together for 10 years, so there’s plenty of love and commitment, just… now with more people involved.
I’d really love to make a platonic friend who’s also in or familiar with the poly world. It can get pretty lonely trying to explain things to friends or family who just don’t get it (if one more person tells me “just don’t be poly,” I might actually scream into a pillow).

Right now, our setup is:
My wife has been dating for a while and now has a steady girlfriend (who I haven’t met yet — fingers crossed soon ).
I have a boyfriend who’s been around for about 9 months and he’s great. He’s basically moved in at this point.

My biggest challenges are jealousy and the “sharing is caring” part — still learning that “caring” doesn’t always feel natural at first! I think meeting my wife’s partner might help a lot, so hopefully we’ll all hang out soon instead of my wife constantly feeling tugged between two worlds.
Anyway, I’d really love to connect with someone who gets it — someone to chat with, vent to, swap stories, and remind each other we’re not crazy for believing poly can actually work.

Nice to meet everybody

hello, I am also here for friends, I am 36 years old female from Los Angeles, California. I am looking for people I can also talk to about this lifestyle.

 

[KND]

My biggest challenges are jealousy and the “sharing is caring” part — still learning that “caring” doesn’t always feel natural at first!

The following concept usually gets me confused, annoyed, blank, angry, bewildered stares. Nonetheless, I find it to be important and have incorporated into my life mantra-style. The concept is: caring is actually the problem. In the case of jealousy, it may come from caring too much. A lot of conflict, especially the conflicts running in circles in our heads, comes from caring too much.

My mantra?

"Love more; care less."

 

[Musso]

The following concept usually gets me confused, annoyed, blank, angry, bewildered stares. Nonetheless, I find it to be important and have incorporated into my life mantra-style. The concept is: caring is actually the problem. In the case of jealousy, it may come from caring too much. A lot of conflict, especially the conflicts running in circles in our heads, comes from caring too much.

My mantra?

"Love more; care less."

I would personally not try to care less, at least not the with the definition that caring is to give to someone or attend their needs. To me, to care is to love. To me it's more about not taking anyone for granted. But maybe that's what you mean too since caring can mean to attach a lot of importance to someone, and often we expect the same in return.

My Mantra?

"The best way to not lose someone is to not possess them to begin with."

 

[KND]

I would personally not try to care less, at least not the with the definition that caring is to give to someone or attend their needs. To me, to care is to love. To me it's more about not taking anyone for granted. But maybe that's what you mean too since caring can mean to attach a lot of importance to someone, and often we expect the same in return.

My Mantra?

"The best way to not lose someone is to not possess them to begin with."

Yes, I understand. Many folks I know have a similar view of love/care as you. I am just not one of them.

To not takeover this post with this explanation, I have a new post on this at Love more; care less where I add more of my POV.

BTW- I think our two mantras have the same spirit.

 

[EMJAYEM]

I would personally not try to care less, at least not the with the definition that caring is to give to someone or attend their needs. To me, to care is to love. To me it's more about not taking anyone for granted. But maybe that's what you mean too since caring can mean to attach a lot of importance to someone, and often we expect the same in return.

My Mantra?

"The best way to not lose someone is to not possess them to begin with."

That's very similar to, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it does not, it never was."

Very interesting thread here and what constantly stands out to me in regard to poly relationships (or the attempt at having one) is the lack of preparation/communication put in before one of the partners just breaks the news or shows up with their new infatuation. This never ends well or at best very rarely ends well. There are so many emotions and undercurrents just waiting to come to the surface that we can't even begin to imagine. I learned this the hard way and though my relationship survived, it was an extremely rough time which took us a while to heal from. To be honest, we are still healing BUT if anything, the whole experience has made us stronger and it has changed how not only what we think of these "alternative" lifestyles, but it also forced us to be brutally honest about what our relationship was all about in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all sounds so attractive and exciting in theory but if the relationship is not rock-solid and the communication is lacking, you are in for a lot more than you could ever imagine. We could talk about this for days on end... Cheers.

 

[Chasea1989]

I never knew they had meet ups. That would be a great time I feel. Thanks for your response. It's always nice to meet other like minded people.

I came here to say something along the same lines. Most larger cities are going to have at least one polyam group/meetup. A couple of my best friends that I have (one of them being a partner now and her husband) are people I've met at a local poly discussion group.

 

[Musso]

I came here to say something along the same lines. Most larger cities are going to have at least one polyam group/meetup. A couple of my best friends that I have (one of them being a partner now and her husband) are people I've met at a local poly discussion group.

It's true. I'm now in Santiago in Chile and I went to a poly picnic. They also have board game nights. It was very nice to be able to talk about poly and other deep conversations. Somebody brought a card game where we'd pick a card and answer a question related to emotional topics etc.

Even though I wouldn't be comfortable creating a polyamory group in my small home town, I think I'll organize meetups based on deeper connections like this, maybe with a different topic per week. Poly or not, it's just nice to meet people outside of a shallow context. See it as the complete opposite of speed dating, where the focus wouldn't be on dating and would be on taking our time to interact lol.

 

[silver-genie]

I like Multiamory's 2-part episode on 50 ways to handle jealousy:

You say your wife feels tugged between two worlds. How familiar is she with the concept of hingeing? It that a skill she's actively working on cultivating?