Need advice. 24 yo bisexual male and exploring the idea of polyamory.

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DakotaDazzling

New member
Hi my name is Dakota and I'm a bisexual male who has been struggling to decide what sex he wants to be with. This may sound kind of silly, but I have different fantasies regarding men and women. For this reason I've really been avoiding dating life and its left me feeling very lonely.

Now I'm in no rush to get involved with someone any time soon but obviously its something I cant get off my mind. I've even had thoughts of the conversations I may have with the men or the women I date throughout my life, and decided I would be open to the idea of being with a man and a woman and even those people being with other people.

Where it gets tricky is that idk how I would feel about sharing a man or woman with other men. And this is where my head starts to spin. Is this to say that polyamory is not for me? Or is this pretty common in polyamorous bisexual relationships, to want to have exclusively one girlfriend and one boyfriend but not to share them? I have no idea what I'm doing to be completely honest and it creates a lot of anxiety for me
 
Some people are quite staunch on their partners not having other partners, but this generally indicates a power imbalance in the relationship that will ultimately potentially undermine the relationships. However, it could be possible to find monogamous people who are content being the legs of your V or star shaped configuration because that is their preferred love style.

The key, as always, is communication and being prepared to end a relationship that is not compatible. People should be able to thrive in their relationship choices and if someone isn't thriving because of restrictions on who else they can interact with (to whatever level) then it's worth acknowledging that it's time to move apart and find better compatabilities.

In short, find people who want that configuration rather than force someone into it.
 
I think being able to accept your partner's other relationships is key to successful polyamory. There are a lot of polycules where one or more members cannot abide their partner's seeing other people and you'll notice a pattern where either they insist on monogamy from them or they'll find problems in every other relationship and will be instrumantal in their break up.

I'm always suspicious of anyone I see with multiple monogamous partners and that suspicion has never been unnecessary.
 
Hello Dakota,

Sorry to hear you haven't been able to get into dating life lately. I hope this forum can help you. Perhaps you could be with a man and a woman, even if they are also with each other. Now as for that man or woman sharing themselves with other men, on that you are not so sure. Is polyamory for you? I can't tell yet, based on what you have posted so far. You will have to tell me more about how you would feel about a man or a woman sharing themselves with other men. It is not unusual in poly for someone to feel they can share two people, but not so much three people or more. You are just getting into poly, don't rush and take the time to read and research about poly. Hopefully this forum helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Dakota,

When you say you are potentially okay with the people you date also seeing other people, but then that you might not be okay with sharing them with other men in particular--are you saying that you feel maybe okay with your partners dating other people who are women, but NOT with them dating men?

If that's issue, that is definitely something that you need to examine and identify why.

It's actually extremely common for men exploring nonmonogamy to start out feeling that way--that other men (other dicks, in particular?) are a threat for some reason, but that other women aren't.

However, it's not actually a fair or logical rule to impose on your partners. It calls for some introspection and self-examination to identify what that particular insecurity is about.

We have a lot of deep-seated cultural beliefs that having sex with multiple men is gross/depraved/dangerous/risky/unclean/slutty, but that dating a multiple women is hot/cool/fine. These are beliefs to examine and overcome if you want to have a successful poly life.

However, you don't need overthink things so much that you don't begin dating at all. A lot of dating worries will disappear or change when you encounter the reality of a person who wants to date you. Maybe you'll meet a poly person who already has a male partner, for example, and you'll realize it's not so bad. Or maybe you'll try poly dating and realize it's not for you.

Just chill and go on some dates while being upfront that you are interested in exploring nonmonogamy. See who you connect with and how the dates go.
 
Dude, I hear you. My early 20's were a fucking nightmare. I bounced back and forth quite a bit. Eventually decided to marry a woman. Polyamory came up and I saw it as a solution to that particular problem. It can come with a lot of fucking baggage but it can also be really fucking great. You really gotta take a good look at yourself. Look around the forums. See what people are dealing with and assess yourself against that (provided with a grain of salt because we're all human). Best of luck to you!
 
I think we all can agree that the patriarchy is toxic, to both men and women (not to mention trans, non-binary or non-gender-conforming folks).

I happen to be a femme presenting, non-binary pansexual person. Yes, I was born with a vagina and I have breasts, thanks for asking. I have a female partner (who happens to be transgender). We've been around the alternative/queer/kink/poly block many many times. I got into polyamory fully in 2008. Pixi has been in it longer.

Men have been trained to ascribe to a certain way of looking at sexual competiveness, and certain ways to determine partners' fuckabilty, certain ways to judge their own value and identity as men. As people of alternative genders, my partner and I have unique perspectives on all this. She was raised as a boy, kinda. She was so femme she was take to be a girl quite often, by people who didn't hear her parents call her their son. (Blech.)

Anyway, many (cis) men I have met, dated, had sex with, befriended, etc, since I started dating polyamorously, have come out to me as bi, ashamedly. Others have told me of their submissive desires.

Tops have turned out to be bottoms.

Masters have craved being submissives.

Manly muscular men have melted in my arms and called me Mommy.

When we look beneath the surface of what our society demands from men to be seen as men, we find that men are not all that tough, or scary. I used to be a little afraid of my partner dating men, as she wanted a Master. I thought of a big stern leatherman brandishing a whip and handcuffs. Turns out most of the (good) masters out there are shy pussycats. lol

My partner did find a master, a short slim nerdy tech geek who is a gourmet cook and has a great wardrobe. He's into woodworking and 3D printing. He loves to garden and read sci fi. He's not scary or threatening to me in the least. He's just... a person. I am also a fully-rounded faceted and valuable, talented person.

My point? The imaginary men you fear are not gonna be all that much of a threat just because they have penises. Will their cocks be bigger than yours? Maybe. No big deal. Improve your bedroom skills. Will they be more muscular? Maybe. Start working out (its good for you, anyway). Will they have more money? Maybe. This probably won't matter. Will they be more "handsome"? Work on your own hygiene and wardrobe.

We can all overcome our toxic programming.
 
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