Need advice about putting "in an open relationship" on facebook!!!

[IndieSolo]

poly is a movement even if you don't this likely fact.

No, it isn't. Your logic is flawed.

Polyamory is generally defined as:

". . . the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes).

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy". The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic." (from Wikipedia)​

A movement, in the sense that you mean it, is defined as:

". . . a series of actions or activities intended or tending toward a particular end: the movement toward universal suffrage.

and: ". . . a diffusely organized or heterogeneous group of people or organizations tending toward or favoring a generalized common goal: the antislavery movement; the realistic movement in art."​

While there may be some organized movements or organizations with goals that would benefit polyamorists, there is no one unified goal among polyfolk and therefore no one "poly movement." To keep insisting that there is one, simply because a lot of people practice/live/identify as poly and may be ostracized or criticized for it, is ignorant. An example: a great many people play online games, making it an important part of their lives, and some people cannot fathom what the attraction is and criticize "gamers." Would you say there is a gamer movement just because a lot of people do it and are met with disapproval for it? No, of course not. There is a gamer sub-culture, however.

It is more correct to say that there are polyamorous sub-cultures in various places (this is an international forum, so one should not assume that whatever you experience where you are is experienced in the same way in all the places our members live). However, there is no general, across-the-board "poly movement."

 

[Kittendumpling]

Publicly visible and single. Because I'm a lonely Kittendumpling.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.....it is a mindset by most people that poly is for cheaters right now.

Wot?

This just reflects your experience, nothing more. I have not once encountered this "mindset" and I am pretty darn out. Most people I encounter are quite generous of spirit and really don't give a hoot.

 

[kdt26417]

I would say most people haven't even heard of polyamory, and few indeed know what it is.

Polyamory definitely has enemies and I believe many of those enemies dismiss polyamory as "cheating with a fancy label." But it doesn't really matter to me; I know what I think polyamory is, and I understand the difference between that and cheating.

@ Kittendumpling ... I hope you won't be lonely for long.

 

[YouAreHere]

The biggest misconception I get from friends who hear the word "Poly" is that we all sleep in the same bed and have sex with each other.

I then have to tell them, no, that's not what this is... and then tell them what this is. It got a bit tedious, so I now just skip to the "telling them what this is" part, without using the "Poly" word.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, I'd say the poly word is mostly useful just on poly forums.

 

[Legion]

My status is "In an Open Relationship" and visible only to Friends.
This is the same privacy setting I have for my age, work history, life events and family connections as well as the majority of my posts ("Friends Only" is my default setting, but if I want, I can switch it to "Public", which I rarely do)

Also, I have my gender as "female" on Facebook as well as my birthday being changed because I am paranoid about information on the internet. (Even though I am a cis-gendered male and totally comfortable with my age.)

I am a bit of a "poly crusader", but I don't have my info public because of work and who-knows-who-else possibly stalking me. I would have my settings the same if I were single or mono.

As for my friends and being ridiculed or criticized, I don't put up with that and most people know it. I am open about my lifestyle with friends, family, co-workers and even people I just met. Probably the least so with co-workers until I have developed a friendship with them.

I am quite open and talk about poly when given the chance. I am currently in a relationship and community where most of the people I hang out with are married in monogamous relationships and there is certainly some questioning but people know and love me enough to be respectful and I am good at explaining my philosophy of love in a clear and logical manner.

It is important for me to be "out" and that the people I interact with know that I am poly. There are two major reasons:

1. I believe that to love someone, you have to know who they are. If I present myself as someone other than who I am, I lose the opportunity to receive genuine love. Any love received while pretending to be someone I am not, is love that is given to that facade, not to the "real me".

2. I believe that poly is a beautiful and logical way of life. This thread is evidence for what I believe we already are aware of: That "poly people" are a significant portion of any population even if we are a minority and as a member of this community, I want the idea of poly to be normalized. I don't want people to have to be afraid for their jobs or relationships for being who they are. It's not right when applied to other minorities and it's not right applied to us.


Ok, and a continuation of #2 is that honestly, I am an extremist; I believe that poly is actually better than mono philosophy. I think a healthy mono lifestyle and mindset is not as healthy as a healthy poly lifestyle and mindset. A metaphor would be an athlete who trains only as a sprinter (specialized) is not as well rounded and balanced as an athlete who trains her body holistically (varied) as the physical component of her being. But THAT is a whole 'nother discussion involving some foundation concepts about what love is, values and ideals. Could even get political; my philosophy is somewhat intertwined and connected to the many facets of my life.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"If I present myself as someone other than who I am, I lose the opportunity to receive genuine love."

Almost none of my relatives know I'm poly; so, of most of them I must conclude, "I don't know who my real friends are."

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I used to be very specific, to list that I am married to my husband, but at some point Facebook unfriended us, we were both listed as "generally" married, and when we discovered it and became friends again, we decided to just keep it that way. So we are now listed as generally married. My boyfriend has not listed anything - part of the reason for this is that he uses his FB at work and it is usual for married people to not list it.

I plan to have a seremony to "marry" my boyfriend too in time. I think most people he knows regard us as engaged, so it makes sense to them that I am listed as married.

I know others hinges who are married and "married" do it like this;

the hinge lists as married
the tips of the V both list that they are married to the hinge (the hinge accept that this is true, I guess)
It works!

I would like to do it like that. Or all of us could just list that we are generally married. Either way, we will be sort of open poly but discreete. I think that would suit us. "Open relationship" would not even apply - I regard open as to mean you are open to new partners and our relationship is pretty much a closed poly-fi V.

 

[KC43]

I have 3 Facebooks I use regularly: My real-name one, and then one for each of the two pen names I write under.

On my real-name profile and my teen fiction pen name profile, I just have married...I think I tagged Hubby on each of those. On the erotic romance author profile, since that's where it seemed somewhat logical, I put that I have an "it's complicated" relationship with Hubby...and then had to add a note explaining that it's a GOOD complication.

I can't tag S2 on Facebook; he won't let me friend him there.

I've changed this, for reasons obvious to those who know me, so since my initial response was back on the first page I'm responding again.

On my real name and teen fiction accounts, I'm still listed as just plain married. (S2 did friend me on those accounts at one point, but only under the condition that I not tag or refer to him by name...and I unfriended him when we broke up anyway.) On the erotic romance author account, after S2 and I broke up, I changed that one to just plain "married" as well, and tagged Hubby again on it because Facebook had untagged him.

I'm not openly polyamorous on any of them anyway, because some members of Hubby's family are "friends" with the real name and teen fiction accounts, and they know the name I use for the erotic romance so would be able to see that profile if they were so inclined. Hubby's only hard line condition since the beginning has been that he never be put into a position where he would have to explain or justify polyamory to anyone in his family, which means I have to take measures to make sure I don't post anything about it that they might see. So I think even if I do end up officially in another relationship, I'm just going to stick with "married" on all three profiles.

 

[vinsanity0]

I used to have married, but when Cat and I split for a bit I changed it to It's Complicated. After that I just left it like that, even when Cat and I got back together for a bit. I think it fits.

 

[eveningkiss]

My husband and I both have had ours listed as in an open relationship publicly for quite a while. I will be honest I have not had a single person mention it or bring it up to me and I have friends and business professionals on my profile.

Sometimes I think we worry a little too much. Honestly, most mono people unless they have explored having an open relationship don't really know what that means and more times than not they won't ask either for fear of looking silly.