Need advice for relationshipcare

[charlie_jumper]

Hello,


i do not know if i`m a real poly.

I always had that thought or feeling if love someone i will love them forever. And i still love the people i felt in love in the past.

That has nothing to do with sexuality.

I have friends that i have no sexual relationship with. I have male friends and female friends i have the desire for sexual relationships with some of my female firends, but i always avoided that because i never wanted to get in any trouble. I always had the "bad feeling" of missing something but i renounced that for staying away of drama and problems.


I had sexual relationships with female friends in the past and the "best" thing i could do was quit any contact with them. It was a decission 50/50 of beeing hurt or tortued by that and feeling good because i eased it a bit for me and them.


But my "wife" is poly through and through.


Now i think a lot how to cope with the thought of her having a girlfriend.


Maybe i`m not right....
Maybe i am a toxic person to my "Wife". I´m not the kind of guy that calls her every 30 Minutes when she is out with her friends, but maybe i´m still to obsessed by her - i love her through and though, i do everything for her -> so i should be happy for her if she finds new love.
I have read bit about copingstrategys, but i know that i would be jelous or better said i would feel neglected by her if she would have a girlfriend and treat her like a Goddess.
I also would feel some "competition" when she would be treated like a goddess by her Girlfriend.....

I know that is wrong, i do not want to act like that, but that is my habitual behavior....
I do not to want to behave that way, but i acted that way in the past when i felt that we have good relationship.
I only can let "her go" if i try to shut down my feelings for her, i did this in the past when we were seperating (it was an on/off thing between us 10 or years ago).
But it should be the other way around - i should "let her go" if i love her and want the best for her and not when my dulled out my feelings for her and feel numb and hollow on the inside.


So lately i think about behavioural therapy a lot to ask myself about my values, my thoughts and my sometimes dysphoric mood (i have lots of periods of depression since my early childhood paired with suicidal thoughts when i slighty feel bad).
I think behavioural therapy could be the right thing "to program" my mind.

In the Past i did therapys a few times, but the therapists all said, i`m alright the way i am.
So after a few sessions they said that they can`t help me and i should try to find my place in the society (or not if i wish so) and they couldn`t help me further.
They always said that i`m more reflected than the average person and i shouldn`t worry so much. (but that didn`t helped me)
They always said that i should quit the therapy and safe the money, but i could call them in the future for therapy if i think that i would need it.

So maybe i should start a other way of therapy with "behavioural therapy", because i never tried that and maybe it could work for me and i could change.



I did read about coping strategys, but i still had the need to start a topic to get explicit Tipps from experienced Members.


PS:
We had a great weekend and we also talked about doing a "couple therapy" or "relationship therapy" where we could clear some insecuritys or "rules" or something with a person that isn`t involved....

 

[kdt26417]

Hi charlie,

You seem to be wondering whether you and your "wife" are a good fit for each other, while at the same time you are wishing you could choose your feelings, and feel "the right way." Finally, you are considering behavioral therapy as a way to work through these problems. You said you have never tried behavioral therapy, and that being the case, I guess my first thought is, why not give it a try? The worst that could happen is that it wouldn't improve your situation, in which case you would know not to try it any further. To try something else instead.

I do think couple's therapy would be good for you and your "wife" to try together, perhaps in addition to you trying behavioral therapy for yourself.

I recall from your intro thread, that you see polyamory as a nice fantasy that does not work in reality. This is because while love is a practically infinite resource, time is a limited resource, and if one has two (or more) romantic partners, one will always be neglecting one partner in order to tend to the other partner's needs. Your "wife" does not seem to agree with this perception of things, she believes that she can make sufficient time for both you and another partner. I think that at some point, you and she will need to sort out this difference of opinion. And if you can't sort it out, you may need to consider breaking up. I know you have a seven-year-old daughter, but you can be broken up and still be co-parents.

When you go to see a therapist, have in mind (perhaps written down) what your goal/objective in therapy is. State this goal to your therapist so that they won't just say, "You're alright the way you are." They will know that you have a specific objective you want to meet through therapy.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[charlie_jumper]

You seem to be wondering whether you and your "wife" are a good fit for each other

I think we are a great fit.
After a troublesome Start (she had to get rid of a toxic relationship herself) things only got better.
We had a few "downs" in our relationships or in Life, but i know that a lot of relationships have "downs" now and then.
Also i always stand by her and always was there for her.
The times i wasn`t there for here were the times i felt "down" and the times i felt "down" were unbarable for her.
But except the few times we had arguments or had a "down" we always had a great time.
Relationships without any disputes are not very common anyways.

I do think couple's therapy would be good for you and your "wife" to try together, perhaps in addition to you trying behavioral therapy for yourself.

Thanks, i will try that and it would be awesome if we would try couples therapy.

I recall from your intro thread, that you see polyamory as a nice fantasy that does not work in reality.

No, i do not think it is a "nice phantasy" i think it is decision and it could work, but i think it is a lot of work. It is more work than one relationship, i think. But now we have to put work in our relationship, instead of searching another relationship i think.
But it would be ok with me when all things fit.

 

[GalaGirl]

When you participate in more than one relationship? Yes. It IS more than than participating in one relationship.

But now we have to put work in our relationship, instead of searching another relationship i think.
But it would be ok with me when all things fit.

I think it is reasonable to make sure you are a healthy couple on a good foundation first. Do whatever preparation work you need to do before moving on to do open relationships or polyamory so you aren't just jumping in blind. Could have some sessions with a couples counselor.

If you think behavioral therapy would help you manage the emotions that might come up later on if you decide to participate in a poly V thing where your wife is a hinge with a GF and you for partners? Go ahead and set some sessions up for your individual therapy as well.

Galagirl

 

[charlie_jumper]

Hello,

just wanted to give an update.

Me and my "wife" visited a Polymeeting and it was good.
There were friendly openminded People and i enjoyed it.

At the beginnig i didn?t felt good, because i do not feel good around other people that i do not know.

there was one gorgeous girl i talked with that i dreamed of that night, she was so beatiful from the inside and the outside. But i didn`t talked a lot with her, but i imediatly felt like "wow" and i wished that i would have met her outside of that meeting. But i`m not really interrested in her, because we are very different and she didn`t show signs of beeing interrested in me. It was a good talk, but it was "smalltalk".

There was one guy that was kind of creepy (for me) i must say, he suggested that i talk to another guy that "i have similaritys with", so i got away from my "wife" an sat besides the other guy.
I didn`t felt well besids that other guy and i didn`t feel any similaritys to him, i totally regret of beeing seperated from my "wife" it didn`t felt good.
She also said that it didn`t felt good that i did seperate.
Later that night she also talked to him and said that he was a creepy guy - so we felt the same



Feeling of jealousy:
There was a problem that i had that night.
I felt jelous
It is silly, i know.
But at the beginning of that night, we ordered 2 beers.
My "wife" always drinks faster than me, but that night she began slowly.
After my beer was finished, i wanted to share her beer till we order the next round.
So i took a zip of her glass without asking her (it`s normal for me that we share), she wasn`t ok with that and said "hey, thats my beer! order your own one".
Maybe it was rude from me.....
I felt like i was doing something horribly wrong...
I felt like a bad person....
But i also felt like she was beeing a bit rude also.
So i ordered 2 beers for us after she had finished hers, we talked to the others and than there was the seperation.

I talked to other People drank another 2 beer and she also drank 2 beers, but she shared it with 2 other people that where on the other Table.
I thought why the hell she doesn`t want to drink with me, but doesn`t have a problem to ahare the glass with 2 other men?
Maybe i`m silly, but i was jealous
One of them was a friend of her, but the other one was a creepy guy that i was a bit uncomfortable around him.




Also there are some happy news:
My wife meets a girl that is in a poly relationship with 2 men.
My wife is attacted to her and would be happy if there would be something going on.
I would also be happy for her.

And we talked about "rules", she said that she is clearly not ionterrested in any guy, she only wants a women and she also wants just one women to live her bisexuality.
That is somethin i would support very much.
even if i do not have something going on with other people.

But i feel the urge to meet someone, it isn`t very "ugrent" but it would be very nice and i start to open and talk to other women. (i avoided that before)

 

[Magdlyn]

From an outside perspective, the beer sharing incidents make sense. Your wife was trying (subtly) to "detangle" from you. It was her way of saying to herself, this one guy doesn't get to assume he can "drink my beer" without asking, anytime he wants. I can "share my beer" with whomever I want. Like maybe that guy at the next table.

You were brave to go to your poly meetup and mingle and see who's out there. Like at any party, there are some people you will like and some that will turn you off. Unlike at a typical party, you and wife can do more mingling as individuals and not as a couple attached at the hip. This will feel odd, since it's not what you're used to. But the more you do it, the more natural it will seem.

Often after a party, a couple will discuss how it went, what they experienced and thought. Maybe you and wife did that? You don't need to share every detail of your thoughts... Being open doesn't mean spilling every bean. You're allowed to have some private thoughts and be discreet, without being dishonest.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Meeting other polyam people isn a great step!

I would warn you (and your "wife") against falling into the mindset that she will ONLY ever be interested in women because you fulfil her bisexual desire for men but she doesn't have an outlet for her bisexual desire for women. As a bi person who is more often attracted to women initially... I'm in long term relationships with two men. No women in my life for years. Just because you think you want that "one of each" doesn't mean that's who you will click with. While it's great that she can say she's not open to connecting with other men RIGHT NOW, you both might want to keep in mind that it could change.

The detangling bit is HARD. Especially with any kind of social nervousness/awkwardness/anxiety. It does get easier, though, and making a friend so they can be your go to person in the social situation so your partner can focus on socializing herself can be really helpful.

Just out of curiosity... are you married? Or do you use "wife" out of ease since you cohabitate and such?

 

[GalaGirl]

To me? "Jealous" is when you have something that you are afraid others will take away. "Envy" is when someone else has something you want.

So i took a zip of her glass without asking her (it`s normal for me that we share), she wasn`t ok with that and said "hey, thats my beer! order your own one".

Things are changing if you both are thinking about poly.

Some long term couples start skipping the formalities and no longer ask each single time because of assumed continued consent.

But when entering a time of change? The formalities could come back. What you used to take for granted like sharing stuff without asking any more? You could actually start asking again if the partner is willing to X. Be extra polite. Not just assume because they did it before.

Maybe these consent cartoons help.

Maybe it was rude from me.....
I felt like i was doing something horribly wrong...
I felt like a bad person....
But i also felt like she was beeing a bit rude also.

I would agree. Both have some room for improvements.

You assumed. She was all "Hey!" about it. Both were kinda rude.

Doesn't sound like either one got a chance to talk about all this before the party. Could chalk it up to being newbies in some kind of transition and not having had all the talks yet. It happens.

I talked to other People drank another 2 beer and she also drank 2 beers, but she shared it with 2 other people that where on the other Table. I thought why the hell she doesn`t want to drink with me, but doesn`t have a problem to ahare the glass with 2 other men? Maybe i`m silly, but i was jealous One of them was a friend of her, but the other one was a creepy guy that i was a bit uncomfortable around him.

Creepy Dude is just creepy. They exist, and people figure out how to cope with them.

I could be wrong here... but it's like you were feeling entitled to her beer? Or left out? Or both? And getting annoyed she chose to share her beer with others? She can do that. It's her beer. Not yours.

If you two have been kind of "joined at the hip" her being more independent and less so is going to feel weird to you.
Could work on detangling.

And we talked about "rules", she said that she is clearly not ionterrested in any guy, she only wants a women and she also wants just one women to live her bisexuality. AT THIS TIME.

I took the liberty of adding the blue part.

Do the work so you are prepared if she wants to change initial agreements of "women only" to "men and women."

Could think later about the beer thing. Examine how it reads when the "beer" becomes "shared sex."

I talked to other People . Shared sex twice. And she also shared sex twice, but she shared it with 2 other people that where on the other Table. I thought why the hell she doesn`t want share sex with me, but doesn`t have a problem to share sex with 2 other men?

Just like her beer belongs to her and she can share it or not share with whoever? Her body belongs to her. She can share it or not share with with whoever.

Just as your beer belongs to you and you can share it or not with whoever. Just like your body belongs to you. You can share it or not share with whoever.

You may have to dig a bit to figure out why women don't bother you but men do.

Me and my "wife" visited a Polymeeting and it was good.
There were friendly openminded People and i enjoyed it.

But overall, it sounded like you both had a nice time at the polymeeting, and managed whatever small "bumps" happened ok enough. I'd call that a success for a first outing.

Good for you!

Galagirl