Need advice how how to balance this life/relationship

leeuwerik

leeuwerik

New member
I am a straight woman, 38, married to a man, 39, and our relationship started perfectly normal. Got married and everything. But my partner learned more about himself, and felt safe to explore, and he rediscovered his bisexuality.

I am proud of him and support him in this very much, but several years ago he started the conversation of wanting something sexually I could not give him. We tried toys. It's not my cup of tea, but I can make it work for him. Happy to give him that too. But it's not the same and I can recognize that.

He found a male friend he trusted and asked permission to explore his sexuality with the friend. This was completely out of my comfort zone, but after a long and hard discussion, and setting boundaries, I agreed. It's been hard, but if it happens outside the house at least I can pretend it does not happen. He stays safe, luckily, and still loves me.

Bit by bit, though, like boiling water, his feeling regarding the male friend changed. He's in love with him too now. Emphasis on the word too. That complicated things for me. My partner loves to cuddle with the friend. The friend is gay, and while a lovely man who's polite and decent, we're not each other's type nor friend. I am not a person who loves to touch others, or even sit close to other people (honestly, the 1,5 meter lockdown rules were a blessing in disguise for me lol), except my husband, whose touch I crave.

I don't like being jealous. But I do feel it and I have no idea how to make this work somehow.

Recently the male friend got in between houses/jobs and he moved in with us for a little bit. It's only been 2 months and I am so sick and tired of all the cuddling and their friendship.

I sound like a bitter hag, I know. It don't want to be a bitter old a-hole who gets jealous of her happy partner. But I do miss him. I miss cuddling together. I miss being the one and only one. I acknowledge that he is happier with 2 partners. I acknowledge that there are things I simply cannot give him. But somehow it also opens up old hurts of me being a doormat and getting walked all over.

Recently I also got an autism diagnosis and that of course explains and complicates things a bit. I don't like being near people. Sitting next to someone in a restaurant is already a bit much for me, let alone sharing a couch and cuddling with my partner in the middle is way beyond my comfort. I try of course, sometimes. He adores it and seeing him happy makes me happy. But it's never something I would initiate.

We've communicated. I've set boundaries and he adheres to them. He genuinely loves me and all in all we have a truly wonderful relationship. But in this aspect we fundamentally differ.

I need advice, and maybe also to vent a little.

His male friend will live with us for a bit longer, but the house is small. I do get time to myself, if I ask for it. We check in with each other regularly.

How to I make this work? I need some out of the box weird ideas or new insights to help me cope and learn to live with this. I truly want him to be happy, but I want him too and this is not what I signed up for. I can adjust, though, with some help from you all. Maybe some fellow autistic touch-specific people have some interesting ideas?

And no, I am not divorcing him. He is not cheating. He is a kind and lovely man who genuinely has more love to give. We've been together for almost 20 years and I am not giving up this easily.
 
I’m sorry. This sounds hard -- like a variant of poly hell. Maybe even amped up because you are neurodivergent. Just too much togetherness here.

From what you describe, what started as a contained, sexual exploration has grown into an ongoing romantic poly relationship, and now the BF is living in your home. So instead of something you could keep “separate” -- you’re now exposed to their affection daily.

That’s a big change.

You’re seeing cuddling and emotional closeness between them all the time, and you don’t get much break from it. Given your need for space and low physical contact, that sounds exhausting and overstimulating.

You also don’t want to divorce—you’re trying to find a way to make this poly V work. But the current setup is asking you to tolerate a lot at once: cohabitation, visibility, and less access to the kind of 1:1 connection you want with your husband.

So instead of trying to increase your tolerance as an autistic person, I’d look at changing the structure so it better respects/supports your autism.

You don't want cohabitating "kitchen-table poly," with group hang-outs or group cuddles. You sound like you want "parallel poly" if it's going to be poly.

What is the plan for the boyfriend living there? Is there a move-out timeline or an alternate housing plan? If not, that might be something to create, because right now, the living setup gives you no real downtime. Being in a small space where you’re constantly exposed to their relationship doesn’t give your nervous system room to rest, or space to process your recent autism diagnosis and what you need going forward.

Would not living with the BF reduce some of this pressure?

You might function better in a more parallel setup rather than a kitchen-table one. That could look like:
  • Regular, scheduled 1:1 date time with your husband.
  • No group hang-outs, or at the most, once a year, you and BF both go to Fancy Restaurant with husband to celebrate husband's birthday. (Limited "garden-party poly," rather than frequent "kitchen-table poly.")
  • Not having to be around their physical affection regularly. Ask them to limit the PDA around you.
  • You ask husband to learn about autism with you -- because this is now part of your lives.
Those are changes you could start this week even before any housing shift.

If the lease is up soon? Maybe all 3 of you could move to your own flats in the same building, so, close enough, but you get your own new space you can set up how you need it to be. Husband has his flat, and can visit both partner's flats. Maybe you work towards a duplex, or a floor plan with a cottage out back, or an over-the-garage apartment, or something else.

You might also want outside support from someone familiar with poly dynamics to help you sort out what is actually sustainable for you. Maybe this helps you find a poly counselor:

www.polyfriendly.org

This is a lot at once—relationship change, living situation, and adjusting to your autism diagnosis. It makes sense that it feels like too much at once. It is.

I hope you’re able to find a setup that gives you more breathing room and lets you have the autism supports you need.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you so much! I just realised I have not been able to speak to anyone about this entire situation and just feeling seen and heard is a relief.

I never knew there was a difference between kitchen-table poly and parallel poly. The second sounds far better to me. Thank you. Currently the deadline for him moving out is up in the air. I was initially promised a couple of months, but both men seem to push that deadline back unconsciously. I cannot take this situation for another 6 months, but I know allowing him to stay is the morally correct choice.

A counceller sounds like just the thing I need. It's been such a gradual change, like a pot of boiling water, and I just never know what's going to happen. Thank you so so much. I'll get started straight away.
 
Glad it helps you some. Being seen in context matters.

I never knew there was a difference between kitchen-table poly and parallel poly.
Click to expand...

There's poly education to catch up on, then.

Currently the deadline for him moving out is up in the air. I was initially promised a couple of monthss but both men seem to push that deadline back unconsciously.
Click to expand...

Why do you push it back? Or accept a "creeping" deadline?

I cannot take this situation for another 6 months, but I know allowing him to stay is the morally correct choice.
Click to expand...

I don't get why allowing him to stay is a moral choice. It's just being roomies on a lease. There IS a lease, right? Not just him being here?

But if you can't deal with another 6 months of living in a group, it sounds like you take steps to not be that, then. You save up and you move out. If you need a calm flat, you need a calm flat. That's not breaking up with husband. It's you meeting your autism, living, and space needs.

Just because the other people are all indecisive about how they want to live doesn't mean you have to be.

Galagirl
 
I see that you are new to polyamory and trying to accommodate for your husband exploring his bi side. That's fine and admirable. However, you are doing much too much.

Letting his new bf move in with you, because his prior housing ended, or maybe he's got financial issues, is kind, but not necessary. Just because you accept your h being bisexual doesn't mean your one-on-one time with him has to end. It doesn't mean you have to share romantic affection as a group, cuddling as a threesome. It certainly doesn't mean you have to suddenly become a cohabitating V with no end in sight!!

My female nesting partner and I never wanted to live as a group with our bfs. See my sig. We are two women who both have bfs. She visits her bf's house for half the week (he lives alone), and spends the other half with me. When she is not here, my bf comes and spends a couple days. I also get 1-2 days to myself alone every week, which I love and need.

It's not clear if your husband and his bf are also having sex, one-on-one. Do they do that within earshot of you when you're home? This can also be hard to take, especially when you're new to polyamory.

Do you not get any one-on-one cuddles or sex anymore? Does bf has his own room? Does husband sleep with him, or with you, or go back and forth?

Otherwise, I have nothing to add to what GG advised. You are within your rights to have this new bf move out, and you have every right to continue to have one-on-one cuddles, sex and dates with your husband of 20 years. (If you two still had an active sex life, hopefully that can continue. Of course, no one can be coerced into sex.) You have every right to have all the physical and emotional space you need. If your husband's bf got his own place, your husband could go back and forth between his place and yours, as in my situation. You'd get time to yourself to relax when he was gone. :)
 
Hello leeuwerik,

Sometimes one can be jealous for good reasons, like if one is being treated poorly. In your case, your husband is withholding one-on-one cuddling from you, and he is treating you like a doormat. With his male friend around, I don't know if you are getting the privacy you need, also the two men are doing PDA's in your presence, which is not what you agreed to in the beginning. Having someone live with you is a BFD, this male friend moving in is awfully sudden, and I suspect that your husband likes him where he is, and does not want him to move back out. Here are some links about jealousy:
Hopefully that helps.
Kevin T.
 
To add on top of what has been said, it's normal to feel jealousy. It's not like poly people are automatically jealousy free.

Notice the situations when jealousy arises - they usually point towards a need. Often when the need is met, jealousy subsides.

My jealousy is usually envy. I have much less objections to partner being intimate with someone else, if we've had satisfying encounters recently. If I'm starved for touch or horny, it's a whole other story.

Another part of my jealousy stems from comparison. I generally don't want to be much worse off in my "poly" life than I'd be in a monogamous partnership. (And yeah, I don't want to be worse off than another partner, if we share the same needs.) So I was jealous when Meta was living with Idealist in his flat basically for free and I had to live alone and pay my own rent. Once we got a shared apartment and he's paying his half, I'm happy...

So you don't give up on your living space, one-on-one dates, etc. This is what you need from a relationship to work at all. Your husband should responsibly try to maintain the quality of his older relationship, even when he's all infatuated with the new person.

Your husband might have to split finite resources (time and money), i.e., because his other relationship got serious, he might not be home every night, they might want to get a shared flat too... There's three people for big life decisions like moving now... Yes, there are drawbacks to polyamory compared to coupled life. You have to decide if that's too much to take - but it sounds like maybe these would not be dealbreakers for you.

But you should never tell yourself to sacrifice major needs because it's "ethical" or "the right thing to do". It's not. Poly puts more demands on us to advocate for our needs. Stand your ground.
 
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I am also often touch-averse and deeply value my own space, private time, and one-on-one time with partners.

I do parallel poly--I would NEVER want to hang out with a partner and their partner, much less see them cuddle. Living in the same house, even temporarily, would be a nightmare for me.

Outside-of-the-box ideas:

I think your husband's boyfriend needs to move out ASAP. Just because he's between housing situations doesn't mean he has to live in YOUR house.

If that's not possible, can YOU move out temporarily? Whether to an AirBnB or a friend or relative's home? Ideally, someplace where your husband could visit you regularly to have that one-on-one time with you.

If that's not realistic, can you and your husband take a short trip together, just the two of you? A weekend getaway, or even just to a nearby hotel for a few days? You need to have private time with him.

At the very least, is there a clear time line for the boyfriend to move out? Like, does he have housing lined up that starts on a certain date?

You're allowed to tell your husband that while you support his sexuality and even his poly relationship, you can't deal with it in your house.

This would be difficult for many people, with or without autism.
 
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