Need advice on how to handle insecurities

Thank you Pinkpig, for your wonderful advice. I need to get back to practicing mindfulness. I was on my way with this years ago, before the abuse started. I have to get back to the me that I used to be. I didn't realize how lost I became....
 
No problem, hopefully it'll help.
 
I've been reading through some of the information and links everyone's sent to me. It's been helpful. I've been trying to deconstruct my jealousy. Unfortunately what I've discovered is that if am feeling so many of those negative feelings which makes up jealousy. So I guess I have a lot of work to do. One thing which stands out more than the others, is that I've learned I'm not so jealous of his existing relationships as I am of the fact that he is actively pursuing additional relationships. How many does one person need? I feel extremely threatened by this. Right now I'm sort of the new relationship. What will happen to me when he's in the midst of the new relationship energy and it's no longer wih me? This scares me.
 
Lostbasil, I find the most fruitful thoughts are ones in which I focus on finding my own inner security - the least fruitful being ones in which I try to figure out relationships. There is so much emphasis on putting the relationship puzzle together, but really, the more solid you feel in and of yourself, the less you need to effort about relationships. The long lasting and nourishing security you seek is going to come from you and from sources that never waver, never run dry. Then that security emanates outward and nourishes your relationships. Long lasting security does not come from getting it right with another person. That is always a temporary fix (at best) - unstable and always dependent on the behavior of others.

What are some ways that you can find stable and nourishing sources of security that are independent of another person? Focus on this and jealousy slowly fades, becoming a non-issue. You can't do enough "work" to deconstruct jealousy and make it go away. That's a never ending rabbit hole. Instead, turn your focus the other way and walk in the direction of your own security that will be with you forever and always, no matter the ever-changing behaviors you see around you. Security in you begets security in your relationships.
 
One thing which stands out more than the others, is that I've learned I'm not so jealous of his existing relationships as I am of the fact that he is actively pursuing additional relationships. How many does one person need? I feel extremely threatened by this. Right now I'm sort of the new relationship. What will happen to me when he's in the midst of the new relationship energy and it's no longer wih me? This scares me
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That's a reasonable concern. While love may be infinite, time is not. It is a limited resource. We all only get 24 hours in a day. Everyone has a poly saturation point.

Have you considered asking him what his poly saturation point is? What happens when you are not the latest dating partner so you can know what to expect? How much time does he want to spend with you when it's not longer the new one? It's hard to feel settled when you don't know what's likely to happen. Could ask questions so you can know.

If he is offering you X time right now because it's the new thing, but a more realistic estimate is Y? Ask what Y is likely to be once his NRE with you wears off. Then you can determine if that's enough for you so you keep investing here or not.

NRE can last somewhere between 6 mos - 24 months. You are at 5 mos and to me it sounds like it is wearing off for you. No longer in the pink fluffly lala clouds. Coming back down to earth and starting to ask the long distance questions. That is totally ok to do.

Sometimes that's how you become more secure in yourself and in your situation -- you help yourself by asking questions so you could have the data you need.

Galagirl
 
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FallenAngelina...again your advice is really wonderful. I can just say I'm just not there yet. But again, I want to get there. It's a very good goal to set for myself.
 
GalaGirl....so I took your advice, and told him my concern and fears about losing the newness. His answer was short and sweet. Basically, recognizing that I have this fear, which he says is a natural fear with any relationship. But then he said the best way to keep the relationship new and fresh is to just enjoy being together. He's so much wiser than me.
 
Well, not entirely. But it was something of a reassurance. He's not the cause of my insecurities. I realize this now. It's me.
 
Lostbasil said:
It's me.
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It's always you. It's always me. Nobody on this earth can make you feel insecure and what you feel insecure about has everything to do with what you think about you. It's never about what the other person is doing. That's why going to someone else for reassurance is a temporary (if intoxicating and quicker) fix, but is no source of deep, true and lasting security. Many of us believe that security comes from chancing upon good, reliable and well behaved people, but security really comes from feeling solid in and of oneself, emanating that outward and drawing in good, reliable and well behaved people who reflect to us the security we already feel.

I'm not inferring that you should have the security issue all sewn up, Lostbasil. I certainly don't. It's my deepest challenge. I just keep mentioning it because it's important to keep in mind as we progress in life and especially if we are looking to develop our own autonomy. It's astounding how little you have to analyze, negotiate, establish and "process" with others when you focus on cultivating your own source of inner security.
 
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For what it is worth ...

I'm in a very long term (20 years) relationship with someone I never want to be without.

I'm also poly. It's in my blood. It's what I am. I can't be otherwise ... without scrunching myself into a box too tight and small for my nature.

I've experienced a LOT of rejection from prospective loves -- including people I fell entirely in love with --, no doubt partly because I want to stay with my partner of 20 years.

Empathize with this and you will have come some distance in understanding your poly companion/s.

It hurts no less when we are single and are rejected by someone we love than when we are partnered and are rejected by someone we love.

Now, by "rejection" I mean rejection of "romantic" love as an option. That's the only kind of rejection I'm currently experiencing. One of the people I love has not rejected my (platonic) friendship. So I can go on loving him, but not ... not holding him naked or kissing him. :):(
 
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