I made a post not too long ago, so if you recognize described events and names, that's why. If you haven't read my previous post, that's fine. I'll be writing a summary here.
Essentially, the involved parties are myself, my husband 'Jean', and a recently met mutual friend 'Sherry'.
Jean and Sherry had a very quick connection when first meeting in person (previously we've only know each other over discord, but we all met up for a group movie night). Jean and I had discussed non-monogamy before, but had never had the opportunity to explore more than theory. He asked me after the second or third in-person meeting if we could pursue Sherry as a potential partner in a triad (which I now know is a classic poly rookie mistake thanks to my last post), but I was highly uncomfortable with the age gap between Sherry and myself (about 10 years gap, with Jean's age falling solidly in the middle). I suggested he form his own relationship with Sherry (V type), but he was fairly adamant about involving me, so I (reluctantly, I'm a people pleaser unfortunately) agreed that we could revisit it again *if and only if* Sherry was the one who approached us about the subject. Which she did, a little less than 2 weeks later.
I found out after the fact that Jean had been messaging her frequently during that time, in a very flirtatious manner. Worth noting here that Sherry had just been subject to a very emotionally devastating rejection from an individual that she had devoted a lot of time and effort into and been strung along until this person revealed they'd been seeing someone else for the past few months, but had been hiding it for fear of offending/hurting/losing Sherry's attention, which is extremely shitty. But this means she was in full rebound mentality and reciprocated Jean's attention with gusto. It's clear in hindsight that she brought up the idea of joining mine and Jean's relationship because she had lots of encouragement and a thinly disguised invitation from Jean.
I still wasn't sold on the idea, but I agreed to give it a try (people pleaser, I know I know). However, as someone pointed out in my last post, in group polyamory it's best to move at the pace of the slowest member, and I am demi-romantic (for those unfamiliar, I need time and an established emotional connection to form romantic feelings), I asked that we take some more time to get to know each other as people before solidifying a more in depth relationship. The idea was that we'd all remain just friends and if feelings developed I'd let them know. I again suggested that if that didn't appeal to them, then they could have their own relationship, but they said they were fine waiting for me.
Not long after that though, think within the week, Jean was already trying to check in with my feelings about Sherry (which should have clued me into to what was going on behind the scenes, but I assumed he was just eager). I felt pressured to force myself to have these feelings, and so subconsciously resisted anything beyond friendliness.
Meanwhile, Jean and Sherry messaged each other online (Sherry lives about 1.5 hours away) constantly, sometimes having voice calls which I initially was encouraged to join, but over time they happened more and more behind closed doors and I only belated found out they'd even happened. What I learned later about their conversations (disclosed willingly by Jean) was that they were far from just-friendly, often discussing intimate subjects like sexual preferences and kinks, buying gifts for each other for the upcoming holiday, talking about Jean's relationship with me, etc. Sherry introduced Jean to a website/app that could link to 'personal toys' and allow control of the settings from a distance (he ended up getting both her and myself *the same* 'toy' from this website, she was consulted on this while I was not).
I eventually caught on when I happened to glimpse his phone to see a message from her about 'how much more forward he was compared to me'. This set off alarm bells since it had been less than a month since we'd all agreed to remain just friends until further notice, and so I brought it up with Jean. He freely admitted to everything above and I was very taken aback, and told him it was a huge overstep of the boundary I'd set *that they both agreed to*. It was extremely hurtful because it felt like he'd been hiding this even though I'd given them the option of having their own relationship not involving me, but I realize he was really deep into NRE and I already knew he has a tendency to leap before thinking.
We had a very long, tear filled talk about our feelings and the situation, and tabled it for the time being until we could all three talk about it, but with an ending note that I didn't think I'd ever develop romantic feelings for Sherry at that point and that I thought it was best that they had their own thing since it was clear that's what they wanted. He ended up discussing it with her on his own over a phone call (we had company over so I wasn't included, but he felt the need to call her cause she was having a bad day), and when she came over next in person it seemed like they just wanted to move on rather than talking about it. They also interacted physically for the first time (I'm fairly certain on that note) at some point, and I'm near positive I heard Sherry tell Jean that she loved him (it was said very quietly, enough so that I'm not even sure he heard it clearly and when I asked him later he couldn't remember what she'd said if anything, but I'm not sure what else I could have heard). The feelings of betrayal and hurt were still very present and forefront for me, and this only made them worse. It was after this point that I made my first post (sorry for the long recap, but so much happened in such a short time).
Since then, using some of the excellent advice given on my previous post, we've had several long discussions about everything and have settled on a few things: Sherry is not going to be back at our place until I've had some time and space to heal, Jean and Sherry will continue to see each other on their own, with Jean traveling to see her, and that Jean and I need to work on our communication. Jean feels terrible about the whole thing, and says he had no malicious intentions at all, and that things just happened faster than he could control, and also that he didn't realize it would hurt/bother me so much. Sherry has expressed that she didn't know any better than to just go with the flow, but I really don't know what to do with that.
Through the input/advice from friends I realized that what happened was an emotional affair between the two of them, and I started looking up resources and such online, and that's helped me put a face on things for myself. I've been really trying to focus on self care and healing, and it's been helping, but it's slow progress (which it should be, healing shouldn't be rushed).
Jean went to go see her last weekend, and I was fine emotionally, so that's all well and good. But during this time they made plans for her to come to our town this weekend to join in his friend's movie night, with plans for her to stay at our place again because it's a long drive home. I immediately reminded about my clearly expressed (to both of them) need for time and space, and he backpedaled quickly, but I was still hurt at the clear dismissal of my feelings and emotional needs. As it is, as far as I know she's still coming for the movie night, but I don't know anything beyond that (nor do I want to so long as she's not coming here). Another sore point that I'm struggling with is that this movie night takes place on my birthday, and while he is going to be spending some of it with me, he has work and I have my own group of friends/family I'll be celebrating with and he can't stay long because of pet allergies. So he'll likely be spending more time with her than myself on *my* actual birthday (which is also the weekend he expected it to be fine for her to come back over). It seems petty to me, but I'm still struggling with feeling a little neglected in favor of Sherry in this particular instance (if he weren't seeing her it would be fine, the date of the movie night and my birthday coinciding is pure coincidence since the movie night is a weekly event).
Jean's therapist has suggested couples therapy, which he did relay to me but also immediately shot down, saying he didn't think it was necessary even though I was positive and encouraging about it. I really want to continue our relationship and hope we come through these issues stronger for it, but it feels as though he's not putting any real effort towards repairing anything, and instead just hoping we can keep going on as if nothing happened. That doesn't work for me though, but I feel as though I'm running out of ways to communicate that to him? It feels as though I just keep bringing up the same stuff and frustrating the both of us, so I would really appreciate any advice anyone has on how to approach the issue, subjects to focus on, how to gently bring up couples therapy again (he barely accepts going to therapy on his own due to some negative impressions imparted from his family, who are a very much 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just grin and bear it' kind of people). I haven't brought up the word 'affair' to Jean, cause I feel that once it's said it becomes more of a offending party vs wrong party situation, and if it comes to that I'd really like to have that conversation with a professional involved.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it's very long. I don't really need more advice on what happened as a situation (unless you feel it's really important, but I got lots of good advice on my last post), but instead about how to move on and communicate with Jean about what needs to be done.
Essentially, the involved parties are myself, my husband 'Jean', and a recently met mutual friend 'Sherry'.
Jean and Sherry had a very quick connection when first meeting in person (previously we've only know each other over discord, but we all met up for a group movie night). Jean and I had discussed non-monogamy before, but had never had the opportunity to explore more than theory. He asked me after the second or third in-person meeting if we could pursue Sherry as a potential partner in a triad (which I now know is a classic poly rookie mistake thanks to my last post), but I was highly uncomfortable with the age gap between Sherry and myself (about 10 years gap, with Jean's age falling solidly in the middle). I suggested he form his own relationship with Sherry (V type), but he was fairly adamant about involving me, so I (reluctantly, I'm a people pleaser unfortunately) agreed that we could revisit it again *if and only if* Sherry was the one who approached us about the subject. Which she did, a little less than 2 weeks later.
I found out after the fact that Jean had been messaging her frequently during that time, in a very flirtatious manner. Worth noting here that Sherry had just been subject to a very emotionally devastating rejection from an individual that she had devoted a lot of time and effort into and been strung along until this person revealed they'd been seeing someone else for the past few months, but had been hiding it for fear of offending/hurting/losing Sherry's attention, which is extremely shitty. But this means she was in full rebound mentality and reciprocated Jean's attention with gusto. It's clear in hindsight that she brought up the idea of joining mine and Jean's relationship because she had lots of encouragement and a thinly disguised invitation from Jean.
I still wasn't sold on the idea, but I agreed to give it a try (people pleaser, I know I know). However, as someone pointed out in my last post, in group polyamory it's best to move at the pace of the slowest member, and I am demi-romantic (for those unfamiliar, I need time and an established emotional connection to form romantic feelings), I asked that we take some more time to get to know each other as people before solidifying a more in depth relationship. The idea was that we'd all remain just friends and if feelings developed I'd let them know. I again suggested that if that didn't appeal to them, then they could have their own relationship, but they said they were fine waiting for me.
Not long after that though, think within the week, Jean was already trying to check in with my feelings about Sherry (which should have clued me into to what was going on behind the scenes, but I assumed he was just eager). I felt pressured to force myself to have these feelings, and so subconsciously resisted anything beyond friendliness.
Meanwhile, Jean and Sherry messaged each other online (Sherry lives about 1.5 hours away) constantly, sometimes having voice calls which I initially was encouraged to join, but over time they happened more and more behind closed doors and I only belated found out they'd even happened. What I learned later about their conversations (disclosed willingly by Jean) was that they were far from just-friendly, often discussing intimate subjects like sexual preferences and kinks, buying gifts for each other for the upcoming holiday, talking about Jean's relationship with me, etc. Sherry introduced Jean to a website/app that could link to 'personal toys' and allow control of the settings from a distance (he ended up getting both her and myself *the same* 'toy' from this website, she was consulted on this while I was not).
I eventually caught on when I happened to glimpse his phone to see a message from her about 'how much more forward he was compared to me'. This set off alarm bells since it had been less than a month since we'd all agreed to remain just friends until further notice, and so I brought it up with Jean. He freely admitted to everything above and I was very taken aback, and told him it was a huge overstep of the boundary I'd set *that they both agreed to*. It was extremely hurtful because it felt like he'd been hiding this even though I'd given them the option of having their own relationship not involving me, but I realize he was really deep into NRE and I already knew he has a tendency to leap before thinking.
We had a very long, tear filled talk about our feelings and the situation, and tabled it for the time being until we could all three talk about it, but with an ending note that I didn't think I'd ever develop romantic feelings for Sherry at that point and that I thought it was best that they had their own thing since it was clear that's what they wanted. He ended up discussing it with her on his own over a phone call (we had company over so I wasn't included, but he felt the need to call her cause she was having a bad day), and when she came over next in person it seemed like they just wanted to move on rather than talking about it. They also interacted physically for the first time (I'm fairly certain on that note) at some point, and I'm near positive I heard Sherry tell Jean that she loved him (it was said very quietly, enough so that I'm not even sure he heard it clearly and when I asked him later he couldn't remember what she'd said if anything, but I'm not sure what else I could have heard). The feelings of betrayal and hurt were still very present and forefront for me, and this only made them worse. It was after this point that I made my first post (sorry for the long recap, but so much happened in such a short time).
Since then, using some of the excellent advice given on my previous post, we've had several long discussions about everything and have settled on a few things: Sherry is not going to be back at our place until I've had some time and space to heal, Jean and Sherry will continue to see each other on their own, with Jean traveling to see her, and that Jean and I need to work on our communication. Jean feels terrible about the whole thing, and says he had no malicious intentions at all, and that things just happened faster than he could control, and also that he didn't realize it would hurt/bother me so much. Sherry has expressed that she didn't know any better than to just go with the flow, but I really don't know what to do with that.
Through the input/advice from friends I realized that what happened was an emotional affair between the two of them, and I started looking up resources and such online, and that's helped me put a face on things for myself. I've been really trying to focus on self care and healing, and it's been helping, but it's slow progress (which it should be, healing shouldn't be rushed).
Jean went to go see her last weekend, and I was fine emotionally, so that's all well and good. But during this time they made plans for her to come to our town this weekend to join in his friend's movie night, with plans for her to stay at our place again because it's a long drive home. I immediately reminded about my clearly expressed (to both of them) need for time and space, and he backpedaled quickly, but I was still hurt at the clear dismissal of my feelings and emotional needs. As it is, as far as I know she's still coming for the movie night, but I don't know anything beyond that (nor do I want to so long as she's not coming here). Another sore point that I'm struggling with is that this movie night takes place on my birthday, and while he is going to be spending some of it with me, he has work and I have my own group of friends/family I'll be celebrating with and he can't stay long because of pet allergies. So he'll likely be spending more time with her than myself on *my* actual birthday (which is also the weekend he expected it to be fine for her to come back over). It seems petty to me, but I'm still struggling with feeling a little neglected in favor of Sherry in this particular instance (if he weren't seeing her it would be fine, the date of the movie night and my birthday coinciding is pure coincidence since the movie night is a weekly event).
Jean's therapist has suggested couples therapy, which he did relay to me but also immediately shot down, saying he didn't think it was necessary even though I was positive and encouraging about it. I really want to continue our relationship and hope we come through these issues stronger for it, but it feels as though he's not putting any real effort towards repairing anything, and instead just hoping we can keep going on as if nothing happened. That doesn't work for me though, but I feel as though I'm running out of ways to communicate that to him? It feels as though I just keep bringing up the same stuff and frustrating the both of us, so I would really appreciate any advice anyone has on how to approach the issue, subjects to focus on, how to gently bring up couples therapy again (he barely accepts going to therapy on his own due to some negative impressions imparted from his family, who are a very much 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just grin and bear it' kind of people). I haven't brought up the word 'affair' to Jean, cause I feel that once it's said it becomes more of a offending party vs wrong party situation, and if it comes to that I'd really like to have that conversation with a professional involved.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it's very long. I don't really need more advice on what happened as a situation (unless you feel it's really important, but I got lots of good advice on my last post), but instead about how to move on and communicate with Jean about what needs to be done.