Need advice on new relationship

[Goldcea86]

I really need advice... so my husband and I have been together 15 years but always talked about having a threesome with another woman. That’s probably one of the hardest things to find but we successfully found her after 15 years of searching. I am bisexual and have had serious relationships with women in my past. I always told my husband that I would be open to having a triad relationship with him and another woman. So when we found this woman and she wanted to have sex with us we figured that’s where it would end. But we’ve been seeing her more and more with each passing week and now she’s been spending some nights here and we’ve joked- but I feel not really joked- about her moving in one day. I feel like she’s been dropping hints about a relationship but I’m not exactly sure bc not one of us has actually come out and said it. I think in part that we’re afraid of ruining what we already have... where my problem is with everything is I am now starting to panic about the reality of the situation. Because it is starting to seem that that is where this is headed and the logistics of it freak me out... my number one concern is my daughter who yes she has met. They seem to really get along too. But I don’t want to confuse my daughter and am afraid this might if it takes a more serious turn. Also our families would absolutely not approve of a triad relationship (they also don’t know I’m bisexual). But then my husband says we shouldn’t let other people and society decide what our relationship should look like and though he’s right unfortunately we would have to deal with the aftermath of that. I know we’re not in a place w her yet where we need to worry about that but because me and my husband both notice the subtle hints and the growth of all our feelings towards one another I’m starting to go into panic mode. Can someone who has any experience with this type of situation first hand please offer me some advice. I don’t want to push away my husband or her because I’m starting to have second thoughts and I’m trying not to let it show

 

[ElMango]

I'm going to call you Gold, your husband Silver, and the woman, Bronze for ease of things. Not rank intended.

I really need advice... so my husband and I have been together 15 years but always talked about having a threesome with another woman.
I am bisexual and have had serious relationships with women in my past. I always told my husband that I would be open to having a triad relationship with him and another woman.

This does sound a little like unicorn hunting. I'm not sure if that was intended.

So when we found this woman and she wanted to have sex with us we figured that’s where it would end. But we’ve been seeing her more and more with each passing week and now she’s been spending some nights here and we’ve joked- but I feel not really joked- about her moving in one day.
I feel like she’s been dropping hints about a relationship but I’m not exactly sure bc not one of us has actually come out and said it.[/quote

It sounds like, right now, the easiest thing to do would be all three of you sit down and actually talk about what you guys may want in the future. Do all three of you want a triad? Would Silver or Bronze be okay with anyone having a dyad relationship with the other? Do you want to cohabitate? If so, how would you want to go about it? Who sleeps where?

Honestly, cohabitating right now seems a little premature since your communication seems to be lacking a little.

I think in part that we’re afraid of ruining what we already have

A common fear when relationships evolve.

where my problem is with everything is I am now starting to panic about the reality of the situation. Because it is starting to seem that that is where this is headed and the logistics of it freak me out... my number one concern is my daughter who yes she has met. They seem to really get along too.

Do you WANT to cohabitate?

I don’t want to confuse my daughter and am afraid this might if it takes a more serious turn. Also our families would absolutely not approve of a triad relationship (they also don’t know I’m bisexual).

So, I think if Bronze moved in with you, you would probably want to talk to your daughter about the nature of your relationship; even if it was very vague. (I have no idea your daughters age, so I'm assuming younger)

"We are thinking of Bronze moving in with us. How would that make you feel?"

If she asked why you could say something like "Because we love Bronze very much"

unfortunately we would have to deal with the aftermath of that.

Very true.


Having second thoughts on something that hasn't even been seriously discussed isn't abnormal IMHO. Things are weird because it's like the blind leading the blind. It doesn't even sound like you know how you guys FEEL about each other fully, so moving in would sound premature and be premature. When Z suggested B move in with us it freaked me out a tad because I wasn't ready for that escalation. Then, once I was ready, B and I started talking about it. Even then, we had separate talks ad group talks.

 

[Magdlyn]

...My husband and I have been together 15 years, but always talked about having a threesome with another woman. That’s probably one of the hardest things to find, but we successfully found her after 15 years of searching.

That's a long search for a sexual threesome! How long have you been dating her now? The answers you get will greatly depend on that.

I am bisexual and have had serious relationships with women in my past. I always told my husband that I would be open to having a triad relationship with him and another woman. So when we found this woman and she wanted to have sex with us we figured that’s where it would end.

You say you wanted a "triad relationship," but when you found Bronze, you decided you just wanted sex with her?

But we’ve been seeing her more and more with each passing week, and now she’s been spending some nights here, and we’ve joked, but, I feel, not really joked, about her moving in one day. I feel like she’s been dropping hints about a relationship, but I’m not exactly sure, because none of us have actually come out and said it. I think in part that we’re afraid of ruining what we already have.

There's no need to rush into things! Stop "joking." You seem to barely know her yet. You're all still in NRE.

My problem with everything is, I am now starting to panic about the reality of the situation. Because it is starting to seem that that is where this is headed, and the logistics of it freak me out.

My number one concern is my daughter, whom she has met. They seem to really get along too. But I don’t want to confuse my daughter and am afraid this might, if it takes a more serious turn.

Also our families would absolutely not approve of a triad relationship (they also don’t know I’m bisexual). But then my husband says we shouldn’t let other people and society decide what our relationship should look like, and though he’s right, unfortunately we would have to deal with the aftermath of that.

Actually, he isn't "right." Many poly and Open people can't be "out" to everyone. A nasty family member or colleague or busybody could endanger your jobs or your custody of your daughter, for example.

Serious consequences could be in store if you were out to everyone. It's like being "out" as gay or bi. Some will understand and embrace it, some will try to cause you trouble. And polyamory today is even less understood than sexual preference. It sounds like you don't even feel safe telling your family you're bi.

You seem to have fantasized about a "triad relationship" for a very long time. Yet apparently you have never researched about how that would actually play out in reality. Now is the time to fully research how that could look. There is no need to cohabit at all! That really complicates things. Many people in poly relationships do NOT live with both of their partners. And what if Bronze finds another partner of her own down the road?

I know we’re not in a place with her yet where we need to worry about that, but because my husband and I both notice the subtle hints, and the growth of all our feelings towards one another, I’m starting to go into panic mode. Can someone who has any experience with this type of situation first hand please offer me some advice? I don’t want to push away my husband or her because I’m starting to have second thoughts, and I’m trying not to let it show.

Breathe. You have control. If things are going too fast, slow down. Just date her, let the feelings grow. Maybe you 3 will continue to all get along, maybe not. Let a good year go by before even talking about cohabiting. There are risks for all of you to do so. The risks are highest for Bronze.

Read up on the rights of secondaries.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

 

[FallenAngelina]

I am now starting to panic about the reality of the situation. Because it is starting to seem that that is where this is headed and the logistics of it freak me out... .the growth of all our feelings towards one another I’m starting to go into panic mode....I’m starting to have second thoughts and I’m trying not to let it show

Panic is not second thoughts. Second thoughts imply a placid re-evaluation that this is perhaps not what you want. It sounds like this is indeed what you want, but you're launching into panic and getting way ahead of yourself in your mind. Panic is debilitating, overwhelming worry and worry is trying to figure out a future in which you really have no business being - yet. Right now, you can't possibly figure out all of the logistics, but you're trying to, likely in an effort to gain some semblance of feeling in control of your life. Panic is launching yourself way out into a future that is impossible for you to navigate right now, is impossible to get a handle on. Panic is obsessing on this and feeling extreme fear because you cannot see everything. Not being able to see can be really frightening.

It sounds like you do want this situation, you just can't see the entire path right now.

Actually, he isn't "right." Many poly and Open people can't be "out" to everyone. A nasty family member or colleague or busybody could endanger your jobs or your custody of your daughter, for example.
Serious consequences could be in store if you were out to everyone.

This is a very important point. The great majority of poly people are not out and visible in the community or even to their families.

 

[dingedheart]

I really need advice... so my husband and I have been together 15 years but always talked about having a threesome with another woman. That’s probably one of the hardest things to find but we successfully found her after 15 years of searching. I am bisexual and have had serious relationships with women in my past. I always told my husband that I would be open to having a triad relationship with him and another woman.

If you’ve been searching for 15 yrs you must have discovered along the way triads rarely work out. IMO that’s the #1 failed relationship configuration
2# fail is transitioning from established marriage with struggling mono partner .ie the poly mono dynamic.

So when we found this woman and she wanted to have sex with us we figured that’s where it would end. But we’ve been seeing her more and more with each passing week and now she’s been spending some nights here and we’ve joked- but I feel not really joked- about her moving in one day. I feel like she’s been dropping hints about a relationship but I’m not exactly sure bc not one of us has actually come out and said it. I think in part that we’re afraid of ruining what we already have... where my problem is with everything is I am now starting to panic about the reality of the situation.

I’d say even with out anyone officially putting labels on what you have going on you ARE in a relationship with her.

Because it is starting to seem that that is where this is headed and the logistics of it freak me out... my number one concern is my daughter who yes she has met. They seem to really get along too. But I don’t want to confuse my daughter and am afraid this might if it takes a more serious turn.

. Confuse how ? How old is your daughter ?

Also our families would absolutely not approve of a triad relationship (they also don’t know I’m bisexual). But then my husband says we shouldn’t let other people and society decide what our relationship should look like and though he’s right unfortunately we would have to deal with the aftermath of that.

.

How close and intertwined are you with each of you families. In my case family and relatives lived a state away so in terms of them just showing up unannounced or bumping into them at a restaurant while on a date would be impossible or extremely unlikely.

I know we’re not in a place w her yet where we need to worry about that but because me and my husband both notice the subtle hints and the growth of all our feelings towards one another I’m starting to go into panic mode. Can someone who has any experience with this type of situation first hand please offer me some advice. I don’t want to push away my husband or her because I’m starting to have second thoughts and I’m trying not to let it show

I think you need to relax and seriously look into what it means to open a relationship. Your old marriage is going to be dead. Look up threads related to triads and see we’re those people are today.

 

[Goldcea86]

Response

Panic is not second thoughts. Second thoughts imply a placid re-evaluation that this is perhaps not what you want. It sounds like this is indeed what you want, but you're launching into panic and getting way ahead of yourself in your mind. Panic is debilitating, overwhelming worry and worry is trying to figure out a future in which you really have no business being - yet. Right now, you can't possibly figure out all of the logistics, but you're trying to, likely in an effort to gain some semblance of feeling in control of your life. Panic is launching yourself way out into a future that is impossible for you to navigate right now, is impossible to get a handle on. Panic is obsessing on this and feeling extreme fear because you cannot see everything. Not being able to see can be really frightening.

It sounds like you do want this situation, you just can't see the entire path right now.
Wow thank you for all your responses. I am new to this site so I’m not sure how to quote everything you answered back to bear with me. You’re right in a lot of ways. My husband says I keep jumping ahead to much and I guess I do that bc of where I see this going. It’s like the feelings are there and we haven’t fully discussed these obvious feelings w her yet. I have not done much research on triad relationships but that’s bc I’m usually a wing it and figure it out type of person but w this I feel like I’m so in over my head at times since I don’t have all the facts. But I love being able to share my time w one of each gender and I’ve always found poly relationships so admiring and beautiful and think it’s something I’d enjoy.
As for the joking about the living together thing it was more of a nervous way I guess to see what she thought about triad couples not us actually saying we want her to move in. But I agree we should probably stop the joking. She’s told us she’s not looking to date anyone else and wants to just see where this goes. She actually lives around the block from us so cohabitation isn’t even necessary seeing she’s about a 3 min walk to our house. And yes 15 was a super long search. We started off just looking for the threesome thing but mainly bc we figured finding someone to be in a relationship with would be a harder find. We also don’t get out much and don’t use online dating so that’s also why it took so long. But with this girl it’s like all the cards magically fell into place and we found ourselves w the girl of both our dreams... I do want to but it’s like what the last person described to me in their response that it’s like the blind leading the blind. It is bc we’re all new to this and have no research on the subject. We’re just going off how we feel and the direction this is obviously going. But thanks again for taking the time to respond to me. I needed to get advice from the pros!

This is a very important point. The great majority of poly people are not out and visible in the community or even to their families.

W

 

[FallenAngelina]

Just re-formatting to show your post better, G.

Wow thank you for all your responses. I am new to this site so I’m not sure how to quote everything you answered back to bear with me. You’re right in a lot of ways. My husband says I keep jumping ahead to much and I guess I do that bc of where I see this going. It’s like the feelings are there and we haven’t fully discussed these obvious feelings w her yet. I have not done much research on triad relationships but that’s bc I’m usually a wing it and figure it out type of person but w this I feel like I’m so in over my head at times since I don’t have all the facts. But I love being able to share my time w one of each gender and I’ve always found poly relationships so admiring and beautiful and think it’s something I’d enjoy.
As for the joking about the living together thing it was more of a nervous way I guess to see what she thought about triad couples not us actually saying we want her to move in. But I agree we should probably stop the joking. She’s told us she’s not looking to date anyone else and wants to just see where this goes. She actually lives around the block from us so cohabitation isn’t even necessary seeing she’s about a 3 min walk to our house. And yes 15 was a super long search. We started off just looking for the threesome thing but mainly bc we figured finding someone to be in a relationship with would be a harder find. We also don’t get out much and don’t use online dating so that’s also why it took so long. But with this girl it’s like all the cards magically fell into place and we found ourselves w the girl of both our dreams... I do want to but it’s like what the last person described to me in their response that it’s like the blind leading the blind. It is bc we’re all new to this and have no research on the subject. We’re just going off how we feel and the direction this is obviously going. But thanks again for taking the time to respond to me. I needed to get advice from the pros!

 

[Magdlyn]

Just re-formatting to show your post better, G.

Thanks, Karen! I don't even know where you got that from.

Wow! Thank you for all your responses. I am new to this site. I’m not sure how to quote everything you answered back, so bear with me.

You’re right in a lot of ways. My husband says I keep jumping ahead too much, and I guess I do that because of where I see this going. It’s like the feelings are there, and we haven’t fully discussed these obvious feelings with her yet.

I have not done much research on triad relationships, but that’s because I’m usually a "wing it and figure it out" type of person. But with this I feel like I’m in so over my head at times, since I don’t have all the facts.

But I love being able to share my time with one of each gender and I’ve always found poly relationships so admirable and beautiful, and think it’s something I’d enjoy.

As for the joking about the living together thing: it was more of a nervous way, I guess, to see what she thought about triad couples, not us actually saying we want her to move in. But I agree we should probably stop the joking.

She’s told us she’s not looking to date anyone else and wants to just see where this goes. She actually lives around the block from us so cohabitation isn’t even necessary, seeing she’s about a 3 minute walk to our house.

And yes, 15 years was a super long search. We started off just looking for the threesome thing, mainly because we figured finding someone to be in a relationship with would be harder to find. We also don’t get out much and don’t use online dating, so that’s also why it took so long. But with this girl it’s like all the cards magically fell into place and we found ourselves with the girl of both our dreams.

I do want to, but it’s like what the last person described to me in their response: that it’s like the blind leading the blind. It is because we’re all new to this and have no research on the subject. We’re just going off how we feel and the direction this is obviously going. But thanks again for taking the time to respond to me. I needed to get advice from the pros!

OK.

I'm still wondering just how long you've been dating your person.

BTW, in our Guidelines, we suggest you pick a nickname for your partner(s). We need one for your husband and your girlfriend. It makes it less confusing to talk about everything.

(Please read the Guidelines, they are simple but important.)

As for learning more about how to do poly relationships, I highly recommend you read here about triads. Look the term up in the Search bar.

Also, a book all 3 of you should read is Opening Up.

One thing to think about is, as your NRE fades, what if one of you stops being so into your Unicorn? What if she is more into one of you, and loses interest in the other? Does one of you continue with her if it's working well between you?

It would be cruel to dump her if it turns into a one on one interest.

As others have said, triads are very hard to maintain. "V's" are much more common, where one person is a "hinge," in a romantic relationship, but the other 2 are not involved with each other, except maybe as platonic friends.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Goldcea86,

I am thinking your panicky feelings are telling you to slow down, this is all moving much too fast. On the one hand you think you'd enjoy a poly relationship, that poly relationships are beautiful and admirable, but would you enjoy having your daughter confused and the wrath of your family raining down on you?

On the other hand, you've been waiting 15 years for this woman to come into your lives. So far, she sounds perfect for you. If you push her away now, how much longer will you have to wait for another like her? So, you do not want to push her away too far, you need a compromise where you slow down just a little.

You need some time and some room to breathe. A chance to figure out if a triad is really something you want. I hope you can figure things out with your husband and this other woman.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.