Hi everyone!
I’ve joined this forum because I feel at a crossroads in my life and need advice on my situation.
I am 39M and have been in a mono relationship with Blue (35F) for 10 years now. We share an apartment and are still very much in love.
Before our relationship started, I was interested in polyamory. But I never discussed it at the time, mostly because I felt it was hard enough finding a good match in a traditional monogamous relationship. For the first three years, I didn’t even think about the possibility of opening up. But when the honeymoon phase started to fade, the idea returned. I felt strong crushes on other people. I was tempted to act on those crushes, but they were either impossible/impractical or just faded, so I kept postponing the "opening up" discussion with Blue.
One of those “impossible” crushes was with Red (35F), a close friend of Blue. I met her a few months into my relationship with Blue and was immediately attracted to her. It was a really strong feeling that really felt like, for the lack of a better term, “love at first sight." But at that time, I was still enjoying NRE with Blue, and Red was also in a committed mono relationship. So I dismissed my feelings as an anomaly, thinking that it was probably mostly physical attraction that wouldn’t last.
We became friendly and met regularly at events with common friends. As we got to know each other better, I realized the attraction was not just physical. We shared many passions, hobbies, and opinions. We even talked about possibly being polyamorous, though it was mostly theoretical. I was always happier to attend events knowing she would be there, sometimes arriving early hoping for one-on-one time. I’d like to think she feels the same way, but I have nothing concrete to back this up, only meaningful glances, a sort of nervousness when we are alone, and a closeness I never felt with other platonic friends. But I know the attraction might very well be one-sided. In the end, I settled on thinking we could probably never be in a proper relationship.
But a few years ago, something changed. Red left her boyfriend and said she wanted her future relationships to be polyamorous. She identified as a relationship anarchist and began dating multiple people. From that moment, I began to imagine being with her not just as a crazy hypothetical, but as something that could really happen.
So, I got more information on polyamory and started to gauge Blue's openness to it
Our first discussion was encouraging. She admitted that it was something she thought might be a good idea, but that she was not ready to move in that direction immediately. Fair enough, I decided to give her time to think.
About a year after that conversation (it was February this year), I reintroduced the subject, and it went, let’s say, weirdly. Her initial reaction was that she was more inclined to consider it now. We talked about how we both had been attracted to other people (without sharing who those people were), and she was more relaxed talking about it. I went to bed thinking things could change for us pretty soon.
But she woke up in the middle of that night, almost having a panic attack. Rethinking our discussion, she said she feared I would leave her for a new partner (it didn’t help that close friends of ours had just broken up a ten-year relationship a few weeks after opening it up). She then went back on what we talked about earlier, asking me to put a pin in it for now. I can’t deny that was a huge blow for me.
The problem is that my feelings toward Red have only intensified in the last few years. I am now at a point where an evening with her leaves me lovesick for several days. I am shaken and anxious when I think about her. I can’t concentrate. I don’t think I can just ignore my feelings anymore, but I am not sure what to do.
My first idea was to talk about it with Red, be frank about how I see her, and ask if she feels the same way. That would be a huge relief, just to be honest with her. If she’s telling me she doesn’t think of me the same way, that would be hard, but at least I could begin to process it. I would try to avoid Red and let time pass. What I like about this solution is that I wouldn't have to worry Blue for no reason. That would leave us more time to deal with a possible opening-up of our relationship in the future. But of course, if Red is interested, that would mean I will have to have a difficult discussion with Blue sooner than planned. And the fact that I went to Red before going to her would probably make it more difficult.
That’s why I thought it might be best to talk to Blue first about the situation. If the biggest problem she faces with us going poly is the fear that I would leave her, it might be easier to deal with this situation since she trusts Red, and Red has made it clear she’ll never want to go back to being monogamous again. So Blue would be less likely to think that Red might “steal me away.” But of course, because she is a close friend, that will bring many other issues.
Speaking to Blue first also makes me uneasy because if Blue thinks she would never be comfortable with me dating Red, then I would have to “give up.” That wouldn’t solve the fact that I am still very much into Red. In that scenario, I will probably have to limit our interactions to the bare minimum, hoping my feelings will fade over time. But the question of “what could have happened” would still linger on my mind and would be very hard to deal with.
Since I am still unsure what to do, I hope you can help me. And if you have other ideas on how I could deal with the situation, even better. Thanks!
I’ve joined this forum because I feel at a crossroads in my life and need advice on my situation.
I am 39M and have been in a mono relationship with Blue (35F) for 10 years now. We share an apartment and are still very much in love.
Before our relationship started, I was interested in polyamory. But I never discussed it at the time, mostly because I felt it was hard enough finding a good match in a traditional monogamous relationship. For the first three years, I didn’t even think about the possibility of opening up. But when the honeymoon phase started to fade, the idea returned. I felt strong crushes on other people. I was tempted to act on those crushes, but they were either impossible/impractical or just faded, so I kept postponing the "opening up" discussion with Blue.
One of those “impossible” crushes was with Red (35F), a close friend of Blue. I met her a few months into my relationship with Blue and was immediately attracted to her. It was a really strong feeling that really felt like, for the lack of a better term, “love at first sight." But at that time, I was still enjoying NRE with Blue, and Red was also in a committed mono relationship. So I dismissed my feelings as an anomaly, thinking that it was probably mostly physical attraction that wouldn’t last.
We became friendly and met regularly at events with common friends. As we got to know each other better, I realized the attraction was not just physical. We shared many passions, hobbies, and opinions. We even talked about possibly being polyamorous, though it was mostly theoretical. I was always happier to attend events knowing she would be there, sometimes arriving early hoping for one-on-one time. I’d like to think she feels the same way, but I have nothing concrete to back this up, only meaningful glances, a sort of nervousness when we are alone, and a closeness I never felt with other platonic friends. But I know the attraction might very well be one-sided. In the end, I settled on thinking we could probably never be in a proper relationship.
But a few years ago, something changed. Red left her boyfriend and said she wanted her future relationships to be polyamorous. She identified as a relationship anarchist and began dating multiple people. From that moment, I began to imagine being with her not just as a crazy hypothetical, but as something that could really happen.
So, I got more information on polyamory and started to gauge Blue's openness to it
Our first discussion was encouraging. She admitted that it was something she thought might be a good idea, but that she was not ready to move in that direction immediately. Fair enough, I decided to give her time to think.
About a year after that conversation (it was February this year), I reintroduced the subject, and it went, let’s say, weirdly. Her initial reaction was that she was more inclined to consider it now. We talked about how we both had been attracted to other people (without sharing who those people were), and she was more relaxed talking about it. I went to bed thinking things could change for us pretty soon.
But she woke up in the middle of that night, almost having a panic attack. Rethinking our discussion, she said she feared I would leave her for a new partner (it didn’t help that close friends of ours had just broken up a ten-year relationship a few weeks after opening it up). She then went back on what we talked about earlier, asking me to put a pin in it for now. I can’t deny that was a huge blow for me.
The problem is that my feelings toward Red have only intensified in the last few years. I am now at a point where an evening with her leaves me lovesick for several days. I am shaken and anxious when I think about her. I can’t concentrate. I don’t think I can just ignore my feelings anymore, but I am not sure what to do.
My first idea was to talk about it with Red, be frank about how I see her, and ask if she feels the same way. That would be a huge relief, just to be honest with her. If she’s telling me she doesn’t think of me the same way, that would be hard, but at least I could begin to process it. I would try to avoid Red and let time pass. What I like about this solution is that I wouldn't have to worry Blue for no reason. That would leave us more time to deal with a possible opening-up of our relationship in the future. But of course, if Red is interested, that would mean I will have to have a difficult discussion with Blue sooner than planned. And the fact that I went to Red before going to her would probably make it more difficult.
That’s why I thought it might be best to talk to Blue first about the situation. If the biggest problem she faces with us going poly is the fear that I would leave her, it might be easier to deal with this situation since she trusts Red, and Red has made it clear she’ll never want to go back to being monogamous again. So Blue would be less likely to think that Red might “steal me away.” But of course, because she is a close friend, that will bring many other issues.
Speaking to Blue first also makes me uneasy because if Blue thinks she would never be comfortable with me dating Red, then I would have to “give up.” That wouldn’t solve the fact that I am still very much into Red. In that scenario, I will probably have to limit our interactions to the bare minimum, hoping my feelings will fade over time. But the question of “what could have happened” would still linger on my mind and would be very hard to deal with.
Since I am still unsure what to do, I hope you can help me. And if you have other ideas on how I could deal with the situation, even better. Thanks!
