My wife (37 bi) and I (49 str) have been married 9 years. We are rock solid, ride or die, so not looking for anyone to tell me to get out. That won't happen. We were best friends first and she told me about her bi-sexuality well before we got in a relationship. I have always been enthusiastically supportive of this. We discussed being open to her having relationships with women and about 4 years ago she took the plunge. When she started I did a great deal of research and introspection. In the beginning it was easy for me to be supportive because she had needs and desires that I simply could not meet and I was 100% behind her having those needs met. Initially she said she was reluctant to try because she was afraid I would use it as an excuse to see other women. I did not think much of it at the time and had not yet read anything about the One Penis Policy. The other thing she told me that was a bit odd was that she just wanted to have sex with women but not a romantic relationship. She also has said many times that she can't have sex with someone without feeling a connection.
As I mentioned, I did a lot of reading and forum surfing with regard to Polyamory, ENM and swinging. I did a lot of introspection and a bit of a self inventory about what I was open to and what I wanted with regard to my own sexuality. What really helped me understand myself was taking gender out of the equation, My current feeling is that having sex with other people is having sex with other people regardless of gender. Also, I am 100% fine if she catches feelings for someone. I personally believe that there is not enough love in the world and the heart wants what it wants. I have told her this. When she has dates and relationships with other women I feel a great deal of compersion. When she is seeing other women it also boosts our own sex life. However, what I began to understand was that my eagerness to support her had eclipsed my ability to consider my own needs and desires.
Like many, she took a COVID break but we got the jab and she has been more active in seeking out partners. She has a second date tonight as a matter of fact. Things are a little different now. I still support her in this and in no way want her to stop. Most of her bi experience before us had always been threesomes and being able to experience this one on one without a male contingency has been a game changer. I would never want to take that away from her. However, this has gotten a bit harder for me since I have begun to accept my own needs and desires. In a nutshell, I would love to be more sexually open but with her. I don't have a great desire to engage in an outside relationship on my own. I would enjoy swinging, we have dipped a toe but she wrinkles her nose because she does not want to interact with other men. I reminded her that there are all kinds of play styles in swinger communities and ours is not that odd she still is pretty dismissive about it. I would enjoy having MFF with her, without becoming "unicorn hunters" of course. She is quick to dismiss this because, in her mind, it's too hard to find. I would also be open to a poly triad, or longer term FWB for us both. In the end there is not much I am not open to.
The bottom line is I am feeling the disequity and unfairness of her using an OPP to keep me Mono. The other issue is that I have a much higher libido than she does. By her own description she is only horny 2-4 days a month and that's not weekly, that's days in a row. I did tell her recently that if she only wants to have sex a few days a month that it's pretty hard for me to want to share any of them. I have discussed all of this with her. I told her recently that I felt I was doing everything I could to support her meeting a need that I could not while she knew I had needs that were not being met that she could meet but chose not to. She did tell me her therapist had recently told her that she needed to come to a place where she could accept me having other partners. Dating on my own is not my first second or third choice but it seeming like it may be my only one. I don't think she could handle it well.
What I really want is to explore other partners with her but I am having trouble getting her to be truly honest about how she feels. She says she is open to having MFF interaction but she is dismissive of any of the ways that could actually happen. She also has said that she has no issue with me having sex with another woman but feels jealous of my time and attention being spent elsewhere. The only time a possibility of that happening was discussed it was regarding a mutual friend and she low key freaked out. I just don't really know where to go from here. There is zero chance of me ending the relationship over this. Do I just keep the status quo and continue to ignore my own needs or is there a better way forward. WWYD?
As I mentioned, I did a lot of reading and forum surfing with regard to Polyamory, ENM and swinging. I did a lot of introspection and a bit of a self inventory about what I was open to and what I wanted with regard to my own sexuality. What really helped me understand myself was taking gender out of the equation, My current feeling is that having sex with other people is having sex with other people regardless of gender. Also, I am 100% fine if she catches feelings for someone. I personally believe that there is not enough love in the world and the heart wants what it wants. I have told her this. When she has dates and relationships with other women I feel a great deal of compersion. When she is seeing other women it also boosts our own sex life. However, what I began to understand was that my eagerness to support her had eclipsed my ability to consider my own needs and desires.
Like many, she took a COVID break but we got the jab and she has been more active in seeking out partners. She has a second date tonight as a matter of fact. Things are a little different now. I still support her in this and in no way want her to stop. Most of her bi experience before us had always been threesomes and being able to experience this one on one without a male contingency has been a game changer. I would never want to take that away from her. However, this has gotten a bit harder for me since I have begun to accept my own needs and desires. In a nutshell, I would love to be more sexually open but with her. I don't have a great desire to engage in an outside relationship on my own. I would enjoy swinging, we have dipped a toe but she wrinkles her nose because she does not want to interact with other men. I reminded her that there are all kinds of play styles in swinger communities and ours is not that odd she still is pretty dismissive about it. I would enjoy having MFF with her, without becoming "unicorn hunters" of course. She is quick to dismiss this because, in her mind, it's too hard to find. I would also be open to a poly triad, or longer term FWB for us both. In the end there is not much I am not open to.
The bottom line is I am feeling the disequity and unfairness of her using an OPP to keep me Mono. The other issue is that I have a much higher libido than she does. By her own description she is only horny 2-4 days a month and that's not weekly, that's days in a row. I did tell her recently that if she only wants to have sex a few days a month that it's pretty hard for me to want to share any of them. I have discussed all of this with her. I told her recently that I felt I was doing everything I could to support her meeting a need that I could not while she knew I had needs that were not being met that she could meet but chose not to. She did tell me her therapist had recently told her that she needed to come to a place where she could accept me having other partners. Dating on my own is not my first second or third choice but it seeming like it may be my only one. I don't think she could handle it well.
What I really want is to explore other partners with her but I am having trouble getting her to be truly honest about how she feels. She says she is open to having MFF interaction but she is dismissive of any of the ways that could actually happen. She also has said that she has no issue with me having sex with another woman but feels jealous of my time and attention being spent elsewhere. The only time a possibility of that happening was discussed it was regarding a mutual friend and she low key freaked out. I just don't really know where to go from here. There is zero chance of me ending the relationship over this. Do I just keep the status quo and continue to ignore my own needs or is there a better way forward. WWYD?