Need Advice Please Help

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
How did you 2 meet? How long have you been meeting and falling in love? Some people would call this an emotional affair, or even cheating on his end, already. Do you 2 travel for work or something, giving you opportunities to meet?

Has there been physical intimacy already, or are you keeping a lid on it until his talks/therapy with his wife progress and she is made aware and consents?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

We started off as friends but the energy was like no other. He is married with kids 15 years and trying to open the relationship with his wife (she does not know about me)...

To me that would be "Ok. I like you a lot, but I don't like shenanigans. So go finish sorting your stuff at home then. Let me know when you are actually practicing Open/Poly and available for poly dating."

And then I'd back off. Because I don't want to be "the other woman."

Sounds like you let yourself get involved in a cheating affair with this guy and are now trying to figure out what to do. I get that you want to be with him, but you seem to know this isn't great and it's not right for you two to sneak off behind wife's back if he's currently in a CLOSED marriage.

Not trying to be mean, ok? I mean this kindly. But I might say some things you don't want to hear:

Love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable.

i know he has to figure out things with her ( and we also know this should of happened 1st then he could of brought someone in slowly)

If you were driving and KNOW you took the wrong fork in the road, you turn around and double back to fix it as soon as possible. Not keep driving on the wrong side hoping it will fit itself by magic or something.

"But I love him!" is not a reason to carry on down the wrong path. I imagine deep down you know that already, or else you wouldn't be posting here.

So I encourage you to STOP sneaking around. Stop sharing sex with him. Tell him no more of that. Turn around and get back on the right path.

Could tell him you expect him to do the work in therapy and tell wife about you and put it all on the table. He had a cheating affair and now realizes he wants open marriage.
  • If you both apologize, and wife chooses to forgive both of you and is willing to do open marriage with you in the network? Then this relationship can be clean and on the level.

  • Or wife doesn't want to do open marriage? They finish breaking up first. Then this relationship can be clean and on the level.

  • He wants to keep going in secret? Tell him "No, thanks" and you dump him. Because that is not on the level. So he can find a new cheating affair partner. It doesn't have to be you. Then you can be free of this stress and worry stuff.
You are worth being treated well and on the level, right? You can do the right thing with or without him and leave this cheating affair thing. Because your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. You get to decide what you will and will not get involved with, and whether or not you keep doing something or not.

I am looking for suggestions that would help both of us be able to enjoy what ever time we can get instead of always talking about what we are worried about.

Well, the time shared would be a lot more enjoyable if it was clean and on the level.

Could stop sneaking around, and give him time and space to sort out his life. Expect him to get himself better together.

Because YOU deserve a better offer than "Come be my cheating affair partner."

Do you not wonder "Well, if he can cheat on agreements with his wife with me... would he cheat on agreements with me with someone else?" Not a great foundation to start a new relationship from.

Where if you stopped? And told him to sort his life? And he followed through? You could think "Ok, we messed up. But I did the right thing and stopped seeing him. He did the right thing and tried to clean up at home first one way or another. So we could restart on better footing."

That might be a better foundation.

But things happened ... we met hung out and fell in love.

Things might happen. But we get to choose how we behave in response/reaction.

So I encourage you to do the ethical thing and tell him you can't see him any more until he sorts his stuff at home. You no longer want to sneak around, and you want to reduce YOUR stress/worry.

Do you run the risk of the love feelings fading away when apart for a time? Yes. You do.

But if it fades because you were trying to do the right thing? How strong of a love was it anyway? Maybe it was more a passing infatuation and you both got NRE (New Relationship Energy) drunk and made some mistakes. But it's not ok to keep ON making them.

So don't let your soft feelings for him get in the way of your ethics if you what you want is ethical non-monogamy/ethical polyamory.

I believe I have probably always been poly

Then go do poly rather than doing this. There's other poly people in the world to date that don't come with hinky business.

I encourage you to do your soul searching, strengthen your resolve, and then get yourself out of the cheating situation one way or another.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
We meet in June. Possibly could me emotional affair? he travels for work sometimes or we will make plans to see each other. and yes there is intimacy. And this is why I am asking what if this is done backwards. because sometimes things dont happen how it should.
Yes, him trying to negotiate an Open relationship with his wife while he is already cheating is pretty much the worst way to go about it. If he does confess to already be seeing, loving and fucking you (and he should), and even "making plans for the future," any trust she has in him will probably be destroyed. Their first step will be to rebuild their trust (if possible). That often entails stopping seeing the cheating partner for quite some time, while they intensively focus on what went so wrong in their relationship that led to the cheating situation.

If they can't rebuild trust, they might break up. If they do rebuild trust, it could take months if not years. And then, would she agree to him continuing with you, knowing your role in the secret relationship? It does happen. There is hope. But more often, it does not happen.

The only way he could eventually be "less stressed" (feeling guilty?) is to confess his cheating and start over clean. Your role would be to step back, go no contact, for a set period of time.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
He is worried all the time and stressed. I could talk about this for hours. I am looking for suggestions that would help both of us be able to enjoy what ever time we can get instead of always talking about what we are worried about.
Also, for him what might help him in this situation to be less stressed.

He's effectively living a double life.

  • Either come clean, and stop living a double life.
  • Or stop being bothered by living a double life. (I'm not sure how someone would do that)

We also had future plans and decided to just take it with time because it is a lot of stress on him worrying about whats going to happen and also with me.

Something to keep in mind about how this relationship might look in the future, is that if/when you do actually have a chance to make a legitimate thing of it, you will be changing the structure of the relationship in a major way.

What I mean is, currently you are having an affair with a married man, with all of the infatuation that comes from scarcity and the thrill of cheating. IF he actually comes clean at some point AND that results in the two of you being able to really explore your relationship, you'll be getting to know each other in an entirely different set of circumstances.

This isn't meant to suggest that things won't work out, but just that I would take a deep breath when imagining how this thing might look IF you are able to give it a legitimate shot at some point. There is a lot of road to cover between here and there, and it would be very difficult to predict what that landscape will look like at the end of it. I suggest keeping an open mind and avoiding trying to predict the future, because it could look like just about anything.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad you took in the spirit intended.

the main thing was for him to continue to work on the family and we can stay friends and be there for each other.

I get that "let's stay friends and be there for each other" can be a comforting thought at the start of a break up.

I've been in situations where people want me to promise we'll be friends forever or something and I just say "Ok. We'll see." Cuz I'm just not gonna promise things I cannot deliver.

And sometimes the last loving act one can do is to simply let go. And let the chips fall where they may.

I know sometimes space will figure its own self out and if it is meant to work out then it will.

You seem to get that.

But you are right. I dont want to be the other woman and I would love for her to open up and we would all be ok.

It might be hard to see right now, but I imagine you will all be ok enough in the end.

It might be at the place of "All forgiven, everyone continuing together doing a V thing now" or at the place of "everyone single" or something in between. But people have a way of keeping on, so likely all will be ok enough over time. Or at least... "moved on to doing something else now."

I hope this makes since, because i am all over the place right now.

Of course. Being all over the place right now makes sense. This hurts for you right now and you see the writing on the wall.

I hope over time, you heal from this experience and you arrive at a place of peace on the inside and not all in a tumult any more.

If you want to take a time out from dating and learn more about poly before your next attempt so it can be more on the level... could try here.



There are other resources but those could be a start.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello amg71,

Actually it is quite common for two people to fall in love, *then* try to get their original partners to open up the relationship. I come from a situation like that myself. You just have to have a lot of patience, while discussing the idea of open/poly with your original partners.

I hope this thread has helped.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Top