Need advice.

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kazym

New member
Hello, I am currently in a relationship with a polyamorous woman. I am monogamous. We are not in a poly/mono relationship but I know my girlfriend is poly. We have a child together, but I don't want that to be a factor in how we deal with our relationship.

For the past month, my girlfriend has been talking to a friend that she has strong romantic feelings for. I let it be for a while because my girlfriend has no other friends, and has to stay home to watch baby while I work. But I told her that I can't handle it anymore. She spent more time with him than with me the past two weeks and it hurts me so much knowing that she loves someone else too.

She is completely honest with me about anything I ask, and I love her for that. I am so scared of losing her. But no matter how much I think about sharing her and learn about poly/mono, all I feel is pain. It hurts so much just thinking about her being with someone else. I want her to be happy, but I can't be happy if I'm sharing her.

She said it's ok, and that she'll try to control her feelings. But I don't want to make her unhappy. Her happiness is just as important as mine. I will say we've been happy with just me and her, but she told me from the beginning of the relationship that she was poly and will one day want it. Either I'm happy and she's not, or vice/versa. I love her so much, but I don't want either us to be in pain, because we want to be together. Please help me.
 
You can't ignore the fact that you have co-parenting responsibilities that will impact on how you can spend time with each other. Yes, most parents could leave their baby with the other parent or someone else and go out and have fun dates with other people while the other parent either has the baby or works, but most people realise that parenthood requires a huge lifestyle change. Regardless of whether you're poly or mono.

And sure, a single guy probably doesn't have the same pressure to work as much/at all that a parent does, so they might have more free time than you to hang out with her and the baby, but that's because he isn't that kid's dad, may not be a dad at all, and certainly doesn't have the financial responsibility of a stay at home co-parent and partner.

All of this is to say your partner needs to own her choice to become a parent in an established relationship, and running away to find a boyfriend with more time on his hands isn't the way. This isn't a poly issue, IMO, it's an adjustment issue of a new parent
 
kazym said:
Hello, I am currently in a relationship with a polyamorous woman. I am monogamous. We are not in a poly/mono relationship but I know my girlfriend is poly. We have a child together, but I don't want that to be a factor in how we deal with our relationship.

For the past month, my girlfriend has been talking to a friend that she has strong romantic feelings for. I let it be for a while because my girlfriend has no other friends, and has to stay home to watch baby while I work. But I told her that I can't handle it anymore. She spent more time with him than with me the past two weeks and it hurts me so much knowing that she loves someone else too.
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Questions first:

Is she actually seeing this guy, or just texting/Facetiming?

How old is your baby? How long have you been with your gf?

Can't she join some mother's groups and go out and do things with them, or have them over for playdates? Why does she have to just talk to this guy all the time? Is he a new parent also?
kazym said:
She is completely honest with me about anything I ask, and I love her for that. I am so scared of losing her. But no matter how much I think about sharing her and learn about poly/mono, all I feel is pain. It hurts so much just thinking about her being with someone else. I want her to be happy, but I can't be happy if I'm sharing her.

She said it's ok, and that she'll try to control her feelings.
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We can't "control" our feelings, only our actions. But if she really feels wired for polyamory, or chooses this relationship shape as the best fit for her, and has maybe even practiced it before you two started dating, that's who she is. I am not sure why you decided to live with her and have a kid, knowing that she had different ideas about how to love... Can you elaborate?
kazym said:
But I don't want to make her unhappy. Her happiness is just as important as mine. I will say we've been happy with just me and her, but she told me from the beginning of the relationship that she was poly and will one day want it. Either I'm happy and she's not, or vice/versa. I love her so much, but I don't want either us to be in pain, because we want to be together. Please help me.
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Often, in the early stages of a new relationship, when we are infatuated, even a poly person will be content with monogamy, for a while. But once the honeymoon stage is over, we start to notice other people again, get crushes, maybe fall in love. To me, it sounds like you and she were initially compatible, but are not long-term compatible. Neither one of you should consider bending yourselves into pretzels to please the other at the expense of your own well-being. It might be best to consider splitting up and becoming co-parents and maybe, eventually, friends.
 
So he's her only other source of adult company while she is being a sahm?

So she's isolated with a baby and has met someone (online?) who she spends a lot of time during the day conversing with because he's got a job that enables this or is a sahd? Or does this guy not work and comes over and hangs out with her during the day?

And she's told you that she has feelings for this guy. And you don't like that because you believe that she should only have feelings for you. Even though she told you from the beginning of the relationship that she is poly.

And you've got a baby together, which has to be your (plural) highest priority. And yet for her to be a good stay at home mother, her happiness has to be a big consideration. And she would likely not find that happiness in the company of other full time mothers, right? I know I wouldn't have, had I chosen motherhood. Because like her, I'm poly. And some of us tend to make friends more comfortably with people we develop feelings for. It really isn't a threat to our relationships with our spouses, from our perspective.

But I hear you that as her spouse, you do feel put out that she has developed this friendship, with feelings, and you don't want her to love her friend *in that way*. That that kind of love should be reserved for just you. Even though she told you she was poly from the beginning of your relationship.

That's quite a small space between a rock and a hard place you've got yourself in to.

Imagine if you will for a moment, what you could do about your perceptions. After all, the only person you actually have control over here is yourself. What do you need to do for yourself in order to find peace? Do you need to end this romantic relationship with her and become just good co parents? Do you need to understand more about polyamory to be able to love all of her, including that she is polyamorous? Do you need your own friends or hobbies? Do you need to spend more quality time with her and your baby? What is it you need that you are in control over?
 
Evie said:
I know I wouldn't have, had I chosen motherhood. Because like her, I'm poly. And some of us tend to make friends more comfortably with people we develop feelings for.
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I think if you were a parent, this would all be more complex than it seems to be. BTW, I'm not a bio parent, but I've raised kids, and I can see how it is different.


Just for a minute, imagine a single mono mom saying this: "the reason my child meets all my partners pretty much right away/I leave my child with others often is because I can't make friends comfortably with people with whom I do not share sexual/romantic intimacy/feelings, and therefore, my only source of adult company are my (sometimes very new) sexual partners who I invite around my child/leave my child to see".

This isn't a judgement of you, because you're not a parent, but I do feel like parenthood comes with an obligation to put things like this to one side and make good choices for your child. I do think partner kind of needs to learn to take what they can from platonic friendships with people like other full-time mothers for adult company, because it isn't appropriate/feasible to have your infant child on your dates or leave them often to go and date (poly or not).

I'm not saying you can't be poly with young kids, you absolutely can in healthy ways, but "I don't have/want any platonic friends" or "I'm lonely in the life I chose/built for myself" isn't a healthy reason to be poly IMO.
 
I'm not much of a typer, so I'm just going to share a little bit more about ourselves to maybe answer some questions. We currently live at my mother's place with no car. I use a work truck to get to work, so she's STUCK at home. Also, we both let each other know our sexuality. (I don't know if that's the right word, I'm dumb, sorry.) She told me what she wanted and I told her I wouldn't be able to do that. So yes, we should've thought more about our relationship.
 
Magdlyn said:
Questions first:

Is she actually seeing this guy, or just texting/Facetiming?

How old is your baby? How long have you been with your gf?

Can't she join some mother's groups and go out and do things with them, or have them over for playdates? Why does she have to just talk to this guy all the time? Is he a new parent also?

We can't "control" our feelings, only our actions. But if she really feels wired for polyamory, or chooses this relationship shape as the best fit for her, and has maybe even practiced it before you two started dating, that's who she is. I am not sure why you decided to live with her and have a kid, knowing that she had different ideas about how to love... Can you elaborate?

Often, in the early stages of a new relationship, when we are infatuated, even a poly person will be content with monogamy, for a while. But once the honeymoon stage is over, we start to notice other people again, get crushes, maybe fall in love. To me, it sounds like you and she were initially compatible, but are not long-term compatible. Neither one of you should consider bending yourselves into pretzels to please the other at the expense of your own well-being. It might be best to consider splitting up and becoming co-parents and maybe, eventually, friends.
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Hello, so for the first question they are just texting and calling, not face timing either. Our baby girl is 15months so 1 year, and I've been with her for 2 years officially, 3 years all together though. We don't have a vehicle at the moment and there is nothing in walking or biking distance from her. We live with my family and they all are quiet people so she doesn't talk to any of them. He is not a new parent, just someone she's known for years.
About why I would move in with her knowing how she is, 1. She is the mother of my child and I love her, and 2. I had an idea of what she wanted but I didn't understand, and she didn't either.
And last, I had to ask her for this answer, she has practiced before with one of her exs. But she never really understood how she felt, she thought it was just because they had issues with their relationship, but being with me solidified it for her. In the beginning of our relationship (the honeymoon phase) she was happy and was completely satisfied with just me. But after a while of being together, she has fallen in love with someone else. She says she doesn't love me any less, and I will always be her priority.
 
Hello kazym,

You have to keep in mind that she has autonomy. If she chooses to be with another man, she can do that. It's not a decision you can make. I don't know, have you told her how much it hurts you inside, when she spends time with him? If you have, how did she respond? and what if she did stop being with him, for your sake? Would she grow to resent that over time? I know you are scared to lose her, but she doesn't seem to be compatible with you. You are monogamous; she is polyamorous. You do not want mono/poly. All you feel is pain. Maybe you and she would be better off as coparents, rather than as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think if you were a parent, this would all be more complex than it seems to be. BTW, I'm not a bio parent, but I've raised kids, and I can see how it is different.


Just for a minute, imagine a single mono mom saying this: "the reason my child meets all my partners pretty much right away/I leave my child with others often is because I can't make friends comfortably with people with whom I do not share sexual/romantic intimacy/feelings, and therefore, my only source of adult company are my (sometimes very new) sexual partners who I invite around my child/leave my child to see".

This isn't a judgement of you, because you're not a parent, but I do feel like parenthood comes with an obligation to put things like this to one side and make good choices for your child. I do think partner kind of needs to learn to take what they can from platonic friendships with people like other full-time mothers for adult company, because it isn't appropriate/feasible to have your infant child on your dates or leave them often to go and date (poly or not).

I'm not saying you can't be poly with young kids, you absolutely can in healthy ways, but "I don't have/want any platonic friends" or "I'm lonely in the life I chose/built for myself" isn't a healthy reason to be poly IMO.
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All I was saying was that her happiness matters, too. And she was straight up about being poly from day one. Your single mother hyperbole is not helpful to kazym's situation.

Seasoned, you also stated, parenthood means putting "things like this" aside? Putting aside one friend who she talks to on the phone but also has loving feelings for? Or putting polyamory aside altogether? I know some (not all) people have a hiatus on actively dating when their kids are young, but by kazym's update, she's not even dating, she's talking and texting a old friend, whom she has developed some feelings for. That's it. He may love her back, but that doesn't mean they're making plans to do xyz. Sometimes we can be in love with our friends without wanting to turn them into romantic partnerships. Clearly kazym and their baby are her priority, as she has told him.

Honestly, I'm getting more and more concerned for this physically isolated young mother living with in laws she isn't close enough to to have fulfilling conversations with.

Perhaps if kazym made getting her a car a priority she could attend mother's groups and make new friends there?
 
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kazym said:
I can't be happy if I'm sharing her.
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So much pain. I'm so sorry.

On a practical level, I second Evie's advice-- let the situation with the friend be as it is (long-distance?), and focus on improving your wife's ability to meet other moms, do interesting things, and just generally make her life better so that she's not dependent on a busy husband and a distant crush as her only emotional outlets and support system. If she is indeed facing the task of "trying to control her feelings," this will be helpful. She sounds willing, in general, to let this crush fade, so help make her happy in the following months and revisit the topic of polyamory later.

On the psychological level, for you, I suggest something I've never recommended on this forum before. For some reason, your particular wording made me think of "The Work" by Byron Katie. It's a process for questioning our deeply-ingrained beliefs, and at one time, it helped me with something significant. I hesitate with the recommendation, because it could be seen as trying to make you into someone you're not, and somehow "convert" you to polyamory, but that not my intention, and I don't think the process works that way. It's designed to give you a little more freedom of choice.

To begin, you could take a thought you believe, such as the one cited above, write it down and contemplate four questions:
  1. Is it true?
  2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
  4. Who would I be without the thought?
The process then continues by examining whether statements opposite to the original one could also be true.

When you go through the contemplation, quite likely, you'll feel some of the heaviness and pain lift, as your belief becomes slightly less absolute.
You can try with an open mind, because there's nothing to lose. Worst case, the questions do nothing for you and you'll still feel the same about the topic.
Here are more detailed resources:

The Work of Byron Katie

thework.com thework.com

The Work of Byron Katie

thework.com thework.com

Please let me know if this works for you. I'm curious. :)
 
Evie said:
All I was saying was that her happiness matters, too. And she was straight up about being poly from day one. Your single mother hyperbole is not helpful to kazym's situation.

Seasoned, you also stated, parenthood means putting "things like this" aside? Putting aside one friend who she talks to on the phone but also has loving feelings for? Or putting polyamory aside altogether? I know some (not all) people have a hiatus on actively dating when their kids are young, but by kazym's update, she's not even dating, she's talking and texting a old friend, whom she has developed some feelings for. That's it. He may love her back, but that doesn't mean they're making plans to do xyz. Sometimes we can be in love with our friends without wanting to turn them into romantic partnerships. Clearly kazym and their baby are her priority, as she has told him.

Honestly, I'm getting more and more concerned for this physically isolated young mother living with in laws she isn't close enough to to have fulfilling conversations with.

Perhaps if kazym made getting her a car a priority she could attend mother's groups and make new friends there?
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I really doubt that a person who is working that much and has to live with his family in a isolated location has money to buy her a car and keep her, the baby, possibly contribute to the home they live in, etc.

She had a baby without having a car or a place to live near other people. Everything that's going on now is a consequence of that choice to get pregnant and have a baby, despite being in this situation.

The focus should be on the baby, making friends and their careers while her life is in this place, not acting on crush feelings.

She was straight up about being poly, but agreed to a mono relationship with a mono man and had a baby by him. Now isn't the time to insist that polyamory is the core of her identity.
 
She They had a baby without having a car or a place to live near other people
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There, fixed it for you.

The focus should be on baby, making friends and careers while her life is in this place. Not acting on crush feelings.
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We don't disagree regarding the baby, but there is no indication she's done anything but have conversations with and catch feelings for an old friend who is able to be present for her in her isolation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having feelings for a man who isn't the baby's father. Motherhood =/= mononormativity and there's no reason to conflate the two. I doubt she's neglecting the baby in favour of the friend. Kazym is just fearful he's going to lose her to this guy, even though she's assured him otherwise. Mountain out of a molehill.

Furthermore, motherhood is rarely a healthy entire identity. Baby (toddler) comes first, but even us childfree people know that women suffer when they don't have sufficient meaningful adult contacts.

Kazym's wife just happens to be poly and has feels for her friend. Kazym is threatened by this information. If the friend she was talking to every day was platonic there wouldn't be an issue. But she has the capacity to have feels for more than one person concurrently, to be honest about that, but there's no indication from anything kazym has written that she's even hinted she's going to leave him despite the suboptimal living conditions. Perhaps it's just a molehill, not a mountain.
 
Evie said:
There, fixed it for you.
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OP is working and earning money to provide for family. OP isn't talking to crushes all day or whatever. OP is doing what I said. He's stepped up as co-parent/provider. His actions make her actions look even worse.

I honestly don't think being poly is something one needs to act on to be their true selves or whatever. Especially when they've pointedly made choices to step away from ENM. I wouldn't feel any sense of guilt or pity if she doesn't get to date other people for the next five years. I think they've got plenty to keep them busy with ensuring kiddo has what they need to thrive.
 
I can't imagine being a new mom in this situation, isolated, no car, no friends, etc. I belonged to a mother's group when my kids were young and I would've gone mad without my friends and our meetings and playdates. I can well imagine how the old friend seems like a lifeline, being the only adult conversation she gets all day until kazym gets home. Being poly myself, I can imagine catching feels for him.

I don't know what can be done right now, with money apparently being so tight. It sounds hellish for the mom. Dad gets to go out and have adult social interaction all day, while all she has is a cute but demanding baby to keep her company. Women aren't meant to raise babies in isolation. We are social creatures. We learn how to parent from others. This isn't good for the child either.

There are plenty of online mommy groups. Maybe they could look together for a forum like that, or even use TikTok, etc., like younger people do these days, so that she gets more appropriate socialization and mommy advice, until such time as they can afford to live in a better situation.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I really doubt that a person who is working that much and has to live with his family in a isolated location has money to buy her a car and keep her, the baby, possibly contribute to the home they live in, etc.
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We have no idea about their possibilities. Could be just a matter of realizing the importance of socializing with a toddler.

Maybe she has relatives that can help out financially until they get on their feet. Maybe an agreement could be made with the in-laws to borrow their car. Or to watch the baby one day week while she takes a damn bus to get out of the house (though I hear public transport is a thing unheard of in most of USA), or perhaps the father in law could drop her off somewhere where she gets a day to herself, takes on a gig or something. Maybe they can find a way to move.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
She had a baby without having a car or a place to live near other people. Everything that's going on now is a consequence of that choice to get pregnant and have a baby, despite being in this situation.
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Having a baby in a bad situation doesn't mean you should put up with it indefinitely. It just means it's going to be harder to change.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
The focus should be on the baby, making friends and their careers while her life is in this place, not acting on crush feelings.

She was straight up about being poly, but agreed to a mono relationship with a mono man and had a baby by him. Now isn't the time to insist that polyamory is the core of her identity.
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Nobody suggested she should go act on her feelings, did they? In fact, if she came here, she'd be probably actively discouradged, although there would be numerous suggestions that they should work towards splitting.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
As I said earlier, this sounds like a new parent struggling to adjust to the commitment they took on, especially in the circumstances they chose to take it on.
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Rinse and repeat. The fact they made a decision in a bad situation doesn't mean they should not prioritize changing it.
 
Magdlyn said:
Questions first:

Is she actually seeing this guy, or just texting/Facetiming?

How old is your baby? How long have you been with your gf?

Can't she join some mother's groups and go out and do things with them, or have them over for playdates? Why does she have to just talk to this guy all the time? Is he a new parent also?

We can't "control" our feelings, only our actions. But if she really feels wired for polyamory, or chooses this relationship shape as the best fit for her, and has maybe even practiced it before you two started dating, that's who she is. I am not sure why you decided to live with her and have a kid, knowing that she had different ideas about how to love... Can you elaborate?

Often, in the early stages of a new relationship, when we are infatuated, even a poly person will be content with monogamy, for a while. But once the honeymoon stage is over, we start to notice other people again, get crushes, maybe fall in love. To me, it sounds like you and she were initially compatible, but are not long-term compatible. Neither one of you should consider bending yourselves into pretzels to please the other at the expense of your own well-being. It might be best to consider splitting up and becoming co-parents and maybe, eventually, friends.
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Hello, so for the first question they are just texting and calling, not face timing either. Our baby girl is 15months so 1 year, and I've been with her for 2 years officially, 3 years all together though. We don't have a vehicle at the moment and there is nothing in walking or biking distance from her. We live with my family and they all are quiet people so she doesn't talk to any of them. He is not a new parent, just someone she's known for years.
About why I would move in with her knowing how she is, 1. She is the mother of my child and I love her, and 2. I had an idea of what she wanted but I didn't understand, and she didn't either.
And last, I had to ask her for this answer, she has practiced before with one of her exs. But she never really understood how she felt, she thought it was just because they had issues with their relationship, but being with me solidified it for her. In the beginning of our relationship (the honeymoon phase) she was happy and was completely satisfied with just me. But after a while of being together, she has fallen in love with someone else. She says she doesn't love me any less, and I will always be her proirity.

kdt26417 said:
Hello kazym,

You have to keep in mind that she has autonomy. If she chooses to be with another man, she can do that. It's not a decision you can make. I don't know, have you told her how much it hurts you inside, when she spends time with him? If you have, how did she respond? and what if she did stop being with him, for your sake? Would she grow to resent that over time? I know you are scared to lose her, but she doesn't seem to be compatible with you. You are monogamous; she is polyamorous. You do not want mono/poly. All you feel is pain. Maybe you and she would be better off as coparents, rather than as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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I want to thank you guys for all of your advice and opinions, it gave me a lot to think about. Ultimately, I know where I stand with my feelings and needs and I know hers. I don't know if I'll post again but I'll definitely be coming back to read more of what everyone has to say. Also, I just want to say my girlfriend didn't choose to be in this living situation, I need to do and be better for her.
 
Tinwen said:
Having a baby in a bad situation doesn't mean you should put up with it indefinitely
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Who said indefinitely? The baby is 15 months. It hasn't even been 2 years. If the baby was 10, you'd have a point.
Tinwen said:
The fact they made a decision in a bad situation doesn't mean they should not prioritize changing it.
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Talking to some guy you crush on isn't changing any of the actual situation that is trapping her.
 
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