Need help advice

Gambit19811

New member
Me and my wife are going through a situation right now. We have been married 12 years. We have done 3somes, sex clubs, and she has seen her ex for a one time thing, which I was okay with.

Now fast forward to 4 months ago, she met a guy and wanted to pursue him for just sex. The only issue was, she wanted this as a weekly thing. This was unsettling from the start and we argued, fought, etc. I felt I was cornered into saying yes to this, in fear of losing her and what we had before this, which was good.

I can understand where she is coming from, in the fact that her father passed away, she is feeling older and only has so much time before menopause. And she just wants to be free. I am more hurt that I was not respected to make some ground rules so she can meet these desires in a way that we are both comfortable.

Currently, we have been in fight mode and I admit I have said some fucked-up stuff because I couldn't handle my emotional state.

During this time she is seeing him weekly. Now all the blame is on me because of how I reacted. She hates me right now and now wants to have dinner and to sleep over there. I have told her those are boundaries that I cant handle and I would consider separation if that were to happen.

At the core, my wife is a really good loving person. I just don't know what has happened in the last 4 months, that her desires supersede what I feel.

Sorry for the grammatical errors and spelling.

Thanks,
G
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Now fast forward to 4 months ago she met a guy and wanted to pursue him for just sex, the only issue she wanted this as a weekly thing.

Why is this a problem?
  • Like... weekly is too often? You could deal with monthly?
  • You prefer sex clubs where it's an activity BOTH you and wife are doing? And you don't like her dating separately? Or she wants to quit the clubs and just do this on her own?
  • You are ok with dating for casual sex, but you are worried it's going to involve feelings/romance and change to polyamory?
  • Something else?
I can understand where she is coming from in the fact that her father passed away, she is feeling older and only has so much time before menopause, that she justbwantsbto be free.

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL passing, esp if recent. Is it freaking wife out about her OWN life/living/aging/death/dying? Could she benefit from grief counseling?

Is the problem that since the death, she's become someone you don't know any more? Or someone who is kinda reckless?

I am more hurt that I was not respected to make some ground rules so she can meet these desires that we are both comfortable. Currently we have been in fight mode and I admit I have said some fukked up stuff because I couldn't handle my emotionally state.

What sort of ground rules did you suggest? How about her?

Is this conversation better had with a couples counselor present to keep it on track and NOT fall into fighting again?

YMMV, but you might seek a counselor experienced in non-monogamy.



Now all the blame is on me because of how I reacted. She hates me right now and now wants to have dinner and sleepover there, I have told her those are boundaries that I cant handle and I would consider separation if that were to happen.

If she wants to behave like a free agent and doesn't want to slow down or make any kind of compromises?

And that's the point you are at? You just can't deal with this any more and want a long time out?

Then I think you could follow through.

Could tell her you want to stop fighting, you'd like to see a couples counselor/lawyer about separation agreements.
You aren't going to stop her from seeing Dude. But you'd like to have a trial separation before she goes off to do whatever it is she thinks she needs to do.

Perhaps a trial separation IS what is best for both of you right now. Perhaps you seek a counselor/lawyer to help you form reasonable separation agreements and you or her moves out to a flat for a year.

So you can be AWAY from all this wacky and have some calm. And she can get whatever out of her system. And you each date/not date as you please while separated.

Over time? You both get a taste of life on your own.

And you two can figure out if you want to reconcile and repair the marriage. And work with a counselor toward that goal.

Or if you prefer to divorce and work with a counselor/lawyer toward that goal so it goes as peaceful as possible under the circumstances.

I'm sorry this is happening like this though. Sounds rough. :(

Galagirl
 
Thanks for your reply.

I'm ok of she has casual sex but weekly is too much for me. And also the fear that feelings will happen.

I dont think she will be open to grief counseling she thinks she can handle everything on her own even without me.

My ground rules were it was just sex and for it not to be weekly.

I forgot to add we have 2 kids.
 
Thanks for your reply.

I'm ok of she has casual sex but weekly is too much for me. And also the fear that feelings will happen.

I dont think she will be open to grief counseling she thinks she can handle everything on her own even without me.

My ground rules were it was just sex and for it not to be weekly.

I forgot to add we have 2 kids.

This is not actually polyamory, but swinging or hotwifing. Polyamory means "many loves", and we *want* feelings to happen. We don't fear that. Swingers tend to fear that. You might get better advice on a swinger forum.
 
My ground rules were it was just sex and for it not to be weekly.

The problem with ENM/casual sex/FWB arrangements is that feelings sometimes DO happen.

What is the expectation then?
  • She dumps the guy? What if she doesn't want to?
  • Would you be open to renegotiating to include relationships that have feelings/polyamory?
  • Would you two break up?
  • Something else?

Then parenting. Is she just dumping the kid care on you from the sky? And you don't get a weekly night off from parenting duties where she takes a turn with night parenting so you can go out on your own, with friends, go see your own FWB, etc?

Galagirl
 
I'm ok of she has casual sex but weekly is too much for me. And also the fear that feelings will happen.

. . .

My ground rules were it was just sex and for it not to be weekly.
It sounds like *your* ground rules didn’t end up working for your wife. So, it sounds like it’s time to re-negotiate. Evaluate everyone’s needs. Consider your own best alternatives, if you can’t have the kind of control over her relationships that your prior agreements seemed to allow.

I felt I was cornered into saying yes to this in fear of losing her and what we had before this which was good.

It can be really hard to say “no” when you fear irrevocable change in the relationship with the person who has asked you to agree. But saying “yes” obviously leads to change, too. What you had before *is* gone, and playing along when you don’t want to, or assuming this is a phase or whatever won’t time-travel your relationship back to the golden moment you envision. Your wife is who she is right now, and your accumulated experiences add up to a new reality. People change. Relationships do, too.

The egg isn’t going back in the shell. You (and you together) have to take a look at it where it is now, and decide how you want to deal with it. Find the recipe that everyone wants to try, or clean it up together without leaving anyone with a mess.

If you want help accepting the possibility of polyamory, folks here will have advice and resources to point you to. And if you’re not interested in polyamory, GalaGirl’s advice is still spot on. Learn what you each want, and figure out how to best move forward, together in continued intimacy or just as supportive co-parents.

Good luck. I hope for the best for you all.
 
Hello Gambit19811,

I am puzzled as to why your wife has had this sudden change of heart, after twelve years of being a good person and loving. Hopefully this is just a temporary thing, she will go back to how back to how she was, or at least, she will let you establish some ground rules that will make you both comfortable. Sorry she is hating you right now, due to the things you said when you couldn't handle your emotional state.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Me and my wife are going through a situation right now. We have been married 12 years, we have done 3somes sex clubs and she has seen her ex for a one time thing which I was okay with. Now fast forward to 4 months ago she met a guy and wanted to pursue him for just sex, the only issue she wanted this as a weekly thing.
Is it your fear that you think feelings will evolve with meeting up weekly for sex? Or do you think she’s already has feelings and that’s why she wants to meet up once a week? Is she classifying this as poly, or just ENM?


This was unsettling from the start and we argued, fought, etc. I felt I was cornered into saying yes to this in fear of losing her and what we had before this, which was good.
Isn't this a sort of Catch 22? Say no, you’ll lose her, and say yes, you’ll lose her?


I can understand where she is coming from in the fact that her father passed away, she is feeling older and only has so much time before menopause, that she jus wants to be free.
If you understand, let her be free.

I am more hurt that I was not respected to make some ground rules so she can meet these desires that we are both comfortable.
Why not go out on your own dates and be free yourself, take the sting out of that hurt? Ground rules should not intentionally hurt each other/be detrimental to the union.


Currently we have been in fight mode and I admit I have said some fucked-up stuff because I couldn't handle my emotional state. During this time she is seeing him weekly. Now all the blame is on me because of how I reacted. She hates me right now and wants to have dinner and to sleep over there. I have told her those are boundaries that I cant handle and I would consider separation if that were to happen.
Separation might be a good idea if she hates you right now, to let everyone cool off. Go MIA for a while see what happens.

At the core, my wife is a really good and loving person. I just don't know what has happened in the last 4 months that her desires supersede what I feel.
She's not the first person to go off the rails in a mid-life crisis and fuck up their marriage and family.

I wish you luck.
 
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