Need help... new member

[dmorse978]

I'm writing because I've entered into a poly relationship with my wife of 16 years and a female partner of 2 months, friend for 11. When we started this relationship, it was with the understanding that both females would be equal. I have had issues with feeling excluded in the bedroom, and that has caused strain in the relationship. Further, now my wife is not okay with me and our partner being alone together because I've had issue with them being alone together. And now the relationship is very strained. Did I mention there's 5 kids involved?

My wife has had issues with depression and has recently started meds but has said things that have been overheard that are very hurtful. And our partner is not wanting to be physical with her currently because of it, but still wants to be intimate with me. How do I get the girls on the same page? I've offered for them to be alone and intimate when I'm not home but they've chosen not to. What the hell do I do to fix this?

 

[LBeyond]

First, let's use some nicknames to help discuss this. Wife (Sixteen) and female partner (Friendly) are in a triad with you, correct?

While it's understandable that you had some hangups on Sixteen and Friendly being intimate together, and without you, that is a common jealousy that poly relationships have to learn to overcome. There are plenty of arrangements about who has sex with who and when, but generally if you're attempting a triad, orchestrating an intimacy time-table and restricting intimacy to only when all are present sets up a hurtful power dynamic. Sixteen retaliating in kind, is again understandable, but not conducive to healing the relationship. My wife suffers from schizoaffective disorder, so mood swings and hurtful things said are all-too-common, and are things my wife has to try and curb, herself. The best I can do (and Friendly, in your situation) is to take those things in stride and figure out what she can tolerate and how much of it she can. There's no "getting them to play nice," by leaving them alone for sexy time. Like any relationship, they need to recognize what's between them and work it out themselves.

 

[fuchka]

When we started this relationship, it was with the understanding that both females would be equal.

The only equality that's workable is equal respect.

Did I mention there's 5 kids involved?

You're clearly concerned about the impact on the kids. You are just two months into these new relationships (you with Friendly, and Sixteen with Friendly). If it helps, you could focus on what's best for the kids moving forward. Are you all living together? Are the kids aware of the dynamics changing between the three of you?

What the hell do I do to fix this?

As LBeyond said, this is not your business to "fix". You'll see it said that a triad is three separate "dyads" overlapping (you and Sixteen, you and Friendly, Sixteen and Friendly.). Successful triads seem to be ones that allow for each dyad to grow and change independently.

Sixteen may need things to scale back / slow down while she works on her mental health. Sometimes meds take a while to settle and sometimes you have to try a few things before you find something that works for you. I'd say that supporting her needs and the needs of the kids would be good guiding lights for you in the next few months.

You could still continue to grow your relationship with Friendly, but I'd say you should all re-align your expectations with something more feasible (overlapping dyads) rather than whatever your expectation of "equality" was at the start. It could work if you all agree on a new approach. I can't see it working if you insist on organising yourselves as one tripod.

Take it easy and good luck

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I think it would be best if you kept this simpler on you and only solve the problems that you are involved in and not do other people's work.

In this triangle there is

• you and wife
  
• you and gf
  
• wife and gf
  
• and also care of the 5 kids

I think all the adults could be sure the home and kids are being looked after first and assuming that is going well... deal with the adult relationships growing at their own pace.

I have had issues with feeling excluded in the bedroom, and that has caused strain in the relationship.

If group sex is a problem right now, stop having group sex for now. It is not a requirement in poly. And there is enough to get used to without that added on top.

Further, now my wife is not okay with me and our partner being alone together because I've had issue with them being alone together.

That one seems straightforward. If you let go of the group sex expectation and expect each mini relationship within the larger triangle has to have it's own time together, then you and wife don't have to have this argument.

My wife has had issues with depression and has recently started meds but has said things that have been overheard that are very hurtful. And our partner is not wanting to be physical with her currently because of it

That part is between wife and gf – when and how they share sex is not up to you. Whether or not wife apologizes to gf is on wife, not you. Whether or not they talk to each other directly rather than through you – that you can stop if that's going on. You can say to either/both – 'I am sorry you are hurting. I think this is best if you talk to directly to her.'

Our partner still wants to be intimate with me

When you expect each mini couple to have time on its own, you and gf can choose how to spend that time. If you want to share sex , share sex.

How do I get the girls on the same page? I've offered for them to be alone and intimate when I'm not home but they've chosen not to. What the hell do I do to fix this?

Not your job to get them on the same page. Being equal adults in a relationship means you expect the other adults to take care of their own stuff. You do not have to manage their relationship for them.

• You can stop participating in group sex.
  
• You can expect each mini couple deals with their problems between themselves and ask if they share that expectation.
  
• You can say you hope they work things out. If this has only been 2 months of dating there is going to be an adjustment time for everyone.

The biggest thing I see is the sex problem – you all have to stop tracking it like who gets more than others or when or what. It's as if the 5 kids were fighting over who gets more cookies.

You guys are adults. You can share as much or as little partnered sex as you want with your bodies because each one is in charge of their own body.
Not other people.

If this triad is hoping to share equality – then give everyone equal opportunity to sort out whatever with their two partners. Stop making everything be a group project. Including sex. Including solving the problems of the mini couples. Not everything has to happen in trio. Allow each leg of the triangle to grow at it's own pace.

you have to maintain your relationships of

• you and wife
• you and gf

and look after those legs you are active participant. You might care about

• wife and gf

and wish them well, but you are not actually in their mini relationship. Your name is not there. You cannot make it go. They do.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello dmorse978,

I suggest you sit down with both females, and explain to them that their falling out with each other is causing contention in the home, and is upsetting the children. Explain to them that they need to clear the air with each other, whatever they need to do to get on the same page and make things right. Assure them that you are here to help them in any way necessary, all they need to do is ask, but first they must take the bull by the horns, and figure out what they need, in order to be reconciled. It's like LBeyond said, this is something that they need to figure out, you can't figure it out for them. You can help, but they must be the ones to fix this.

Also your wife needs to get her head right about you being alone with the other female. If your wife gets to do that, you get to do that too. You have only been with the other female for two months (friends for eleven), this is still a new triad and as such, there are bound to be some bumps along the way. In polyamory, you have to communicate, and be transparent, so sit down with the females and have an honest heart-to-heart talk with them. Don't just let things fester, there is too much at stake. I agree with all the advice that's been given here, they are adults, let them be responsible for their relationship with each other. I hope this post helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm writing because I've entered into a poly relationship with my wife of 16 years and a female partner of 2 months, friend for 11.

What is that even supposed to mean? Do you realize there are unavoidable "inequalities" in the situation?
Your wife being your wife and knowing you for many more years.
Your gf being the new and shiny.
Everyone having different strengths, weaknesses, and needs.
While your new partner is not "less then" your wife, I don't see a way how a relationship of 2 months could be "equal" to one of 16 years. They are just very different animals. Incomparable.

 

[Magdlyn]

What is that even supposed to mean? Do you realize there are unavoidable "inequalities" in the situation?
Your wife being your wife, and knowing you for many more years.
Your gf being the new and shiny.
Everyone having different strengths, weaknesses, and needs.
While your new partner is not "less then" your wife, I don't see a way how a relationship of 2 months could be "equal" to one of 16 years. They are just very different animals. Incomparable.

This is true to an extent, but the extra detail is, demorse has been friends with "Friendly" for 11 years. So, that's a lot of fun and intimacy and hanging out. I am not sure why it suddenly evolved into Friendly wanting to have sex with both of her friends, and vice versa. But obviously it is complicating things a lot!

It sounds like Sixteen is angry and envious of time demorse spends with Friendly, one on one. Maybe this is what triggered her depression. And it sounds like demorse is envious of the women spending sexy time together without him.

And it sounds like Sixteen said some angry jealous things to one or both of her partners, which was overheard by some or all of the kids in the mix? Eek.

Having young school age kids around when there is a new seemingly competitive adult relationship happening, is not good. But it sounds like demorse wants to keep having sexy time with Friendly. However, Friendly is mad at Sixteen for having ranted out loud about adult issues within the kids' hearing.

There is a lot of tit for tat happening. It is indeed time for everyone to retreat to their corners and take a breath.

 

[LBeyond]

I'm writing because I've entered into a poly relationship with my wife of 16 years and a female partner of 2 months, friend for 11.

This is true to an extent, but the extra detail is, demorse has been friends with "Friendly" for 11 years.

Since dmorse didn't switch back to years at the end, I think he meant partner of 2 months, friend for 11 months. Still long enough to share some great moments, but also quite different than 11 years. Some clarification from dmorse might help.

It's only been a week, but if there are any updates on your situation dmorse, or more information you can share with us (comments/clarification on other people's comments/questions), hopefully, the more people here can help. I know that when I first started using these forums, I was concerned that it seemed like perhaps a giant gossip area, but discussing things here really helped discussing it with my triad during our own poly attempt. Learning how to talk about these things with each other is one of, if not the most important aspect of poly relationships, and these forums prove a good practice for it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Since dmorse didn't switch back to years at the end, I think he meant partner of 2 months, friend for 11 months. Still long enough to share some great moments, but also quite different than 11 years. Some clarification from dmorse might help.

It's only been a week, but if there are any updates on your situation dmorse, or more information you can share with us (comments/clarification on other people's comments/questions), hopefully, the more people here can help. I know that when I first started using these forums, I was concerned that it seemed like perhaps a giant gossip area, but discussing things here really helped discussing it with my triad during our own poly attempt. Learning how to talk about these things with each other is one of, if not the most important aspect of poly relationships, and these forums prove a good practice for it.

Oh, good catch. I did read that wrong. I hope dmorse comes back! I still don't understand what "both women will be equal" is supposed to mean. In a triad, everyone's feelings matter. Everyone is has equal rights to be heard, to be able to state their needs and desires. If 2 women want to be alone together, if one of the women and the guy want one on one time, they should be able to state this and work out how to do it. Each dyad stands on its own. No one outside a dyad should try to dictate how that dyad should conduct their relationship.

 

[Drake]

Dmorse,

First off, as the others have said, you are not responsible for Sixteen and Friendly's relationship as a pair, nor is it your responsibility to patch things up for them, you can attempt to facilitate their reconciliation but you can not do it for them. Here's what you are responsible for; you are responsible for your relationship with Sixteen, you are responsible for your relationship with Friendly, you are responsible for how their relationship effects you, you are responsible for how your part in the triad effects the children.

Ways to facilitate their reconciliation can include but are not limited to, see if Sixteen realizes that what she said was hurtful(its possible she doesn't, K, part of my own triad has this issue), sit down with a group and broach the subject, help Sixteen and Friendly articulate their feelings in a way the other will understand, even if you need them to say how they want their words to come across.

As for Sixteen being uncomfortable with you Friendly being alone, there are ways to ease her into the idea, the one that jumps to mind is the two of you going on a date to a very public venue that way you two are separated from her but not necessarily alone. But the catch(always one of those nasty little buggers) is that you need to take Sixteen on a date without Friendly, and, if they are serious about being a triad, they go on a date without you.

Triads are paradoxical in that they are easier and harder than a pair, easier in that there is always one person who can keep a cool head, and harder because arguments and insecurities invariably have more fuel. Easier in that there is always a someone to see issues in a relationship before it explodes, and harder because there is the dynamic of the trio, the three pairs, the individuals relationship to the other twosome, and in your case, how these relationships effect each of the children.

Hope you can find a balance,
~J