need help. open marriage for husband only

[tryingtosurvive]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, or even the right website. I happened across it when looking for a forum on open marriages. Please be very sensitive to this post. I've been married for 12 years. Have two very young children and pregnant with #3. A long, long time ago (11 years) both my husband and I had affairs, and we only told each other about this 2 years ago. It has been hell getting through it. He withheld love and affection for me for the better part of my pregnancy with my younger son. I was ready to divorce and eventually he said he didn't want to. He had another affair. And another. And said he needed to be able to have sex with other women. I basically hate men at this point and I've lost all trust in my husband and all men. He has been having an open marriage for the last 6 months and it is tearing me apart. It is not okay with him if I have any relationships with another man, nor do I want to (seeing as how he can't get over my affair from 11 years ago, and I don't want to lose my children). I want my life to go back to normal, to have a husband who wants to have sex with me again. He claims he needs to have sex with other women because he feels so hurt by my affair. (My response to that: Um, what about all the affairs you've had?????) So I guess I'm asking how I'm supposed to get through this. How do you become okay with an open marriage that is only for your husband? I do not want to have sex with him while this is going on. I don't even want him to see me naked. I'm depressed, crying all the time. I have to keep it together because I have kids and I'm pregnant. And before I get responses about how he's probably sleeping with other women because I don't have sex with him enough or please him, or I nag him, I can tell you all of those things are not true. I've withheld sex for the last 3 weeks because of his recent affair partner, which killed me. I hate how I look (and (I'm 7 months pregnant). I know I'm pretty, I just feel like crap. No one knows about any of this except my therapist. No friends, no family. I feel completely alone. I think about divorce all the time, but essentially I still love my husband, he's a good friend, and I love my children to death and can't imagine not seeing them every day. Please help.

 

[IndieSolo]

It's not an open marriage if you do not consent to it. He is just flaunting his cheating in front of you.

Loving someone is not enough to make a marriage a satisfying, nurturing and joyful partnership. Most of us can say we have loved someone who was utterly wrong for us. Your thoughts about divorce would seem very valid to me. His saying that the hurt he feels over your affair makes him "have to" fuck other woman is the most ridiculous nonsense I have ever heard.

When you both confessed to your affairs, it should have been an intense time of introspection and rebuilding trust, on both your parts, not a ticket to inflicting revenge.

Honey, you deserve better than to be his doormat. I know you have a lot of responsibilities and concerns with having so many kids, but if I were you and being treated this way, I would kick his ass out the door so fast, his head would spin. Yeah, so my advice is to change the locks and get a lawyer. Pronto.

 

[Inyourendo]

Yep, leave him. Your boys are going to grow up thinking it's okay to treat women like shit otherwise

 

[zigzag]

I feel very sorry for you, and I do not disagree with the advice you have already been given above. Don't let ANYONE treat you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself. You deserve better. I'm sure that you still look gorgeous and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Perhaps it's time to move on.

What are your options? Have you considered your choices and which are viable?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

He is having cheating affairs. Just openly now rather than in secret. I do not think that is open marriage. You did not agree to open. It is also not very friendly.

I'm depressed, crying all the time

Understandable. You are in a situation where you are being treated poorly.

I was ready to divorce and eventually he said he didn't want to

I think you could move forward with a divorce and get you out of this situation. You wanted to before, so could move on with the process. Get you and the children out of here. Then you hopefully feel better in time.

I want my life to go back to normal, to have a husband who wants to have sex with me again.

You are not going to get that here. You may have to seek it elsewhere with a partner who treats you more kindly later on. Right now, deal with extricating yourself. Ask friends and family for support.

I wish there was something else I could say because I see how much you hurt.

Galagirl

 

[graviton]

Your husband is a loser asshole. This is not an open marriage. He is emotionally abusing you. Go see a lawyer tomorrow. Don't even consult with him. You need to show him that you are not helpless and that you can see something through so I would walk into a lawyer's office with the intention of divorcing. Treat him coldly but professionally and don't let this be taken out on your children. They probably will take about 6 months for the divorce to be file and in that time you can watch his behavior and see if it changes. If he seems willing to change his ways I suggest you get to therapy also. I know where your husband is at he is consumed with rage and grief because your marriage was tainted and has very little value to him at this point thus the affairs. A lot of us on this board have been cheated on or have been cheaters and unanimously we all agree it sucks and doesn't solve anything.

 

[reflections]

And before I get responses about how he's probably sleeping with other women because I don't have sex with him enough or please him, or I nag him, I can tell you all of those things are not true.

I completely agree with all the previous advice you have received here. This is not an open marriage, because you did not consent to that. He is treating you terribly. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I raise the quote above because it makes my stomach turn that you were worried that some people might suggest this. It does not matter how much or little you are having sex with him - there is NO excuse for cheating. You are not obligated to have sex with him simply because he's your husband. It is such a sexist belief that it is "your" fault that he cheats because he "needs" sex. Absolute bullshit. I would also not be able or willing to have sex with someone that I distrusted so much. I recommend that you get an STI test if you have had unprotected sex since his rampant cheating (and use protection with him in the future if you do have sex with him). And while I tend to be an advocate for couples working through difficulties, I think it is very clear that he is not trustworthy and that this is a very unhealthy relationship. Get yourself out and take care of yourself and your children.

 

[Dagferi]

Ditch the loser hun.

You deserve better.

 

[YouAreHere]

Ditto, I'm afraid.

It seems that he's angry and taking it out on you. If you're worried about losing the kids, I'll just say that judges typically frown on that - they prefer the kids have relationships with both parents (if they don't favor the mom outright... which isn't always fair to the dad, but in this case, it may work in your favor). If you file the papers, you may get to control what the custody looks like... or at least get the ball rolling so you can get a mediator (or lawyer) involved.

If you can't find a lawyer, some states will provide mediators for that purpose. I know in NH, they like to have the spouses work things out amicably as much as possible. If you both agree on terms, they waive filing fees (su-weet!), but they'll also provide you a mediator (for a smaller fee than a lawyer) if you don't. Definitely look into it if you're worried about what will happen during a divorce. A consultation with a lawyer shouldn't cost anything up front, or you can always ask the advice of the clerk at the family court near you. I've always found them to be really helpful.

If, instead, you think counseling could help the both of you, then please do try. If he refuses (like my ex did), it can't hurt you to go for yourself.

Hoping for the best for you...

 

[LoveBunny]

Sweetie, seriously. Get out of your marriage. Take your kids, go live a life full of joy and love.

Reach out to whatever support system you have--family, friends. If you have neither of those, try an abuse counselor or a therapist.

Go tonight. What are you waiting for?

 

[KC43]

Your husband is not "a good friend," as you say in your last sentence. A "friend" would never deliberately hurt and emotionally abuse someone the way your husband is doing to you.

You and he BOTH had affairs in the past. So how come YOU are getting punished while he walks off scott-free to keep jamming his dick wherever he feels like? (Sorry for being crass. This situation makes my blood boil.)

He is not "having an open marriage," because an open marriage is something agreed on by BOTH spouses, and is an option available to BOTH spouses. He is cheating on you and throwing it in your face to continue punishing you for having done the same thing he did.

Don't kid yourself that your children don't know what's going on. They might not know specifics, but they know Mommy's sad and crying all the time, and they know Daddy isn't around and is always mad at Mommy. And as someone else said, your children will grow up seeing how your husband is treating you, and will learn to consider that an acceptable way for a husband to treat a wife.

You are in an excruciatingly unhealthy situation, for you and for your children. The fact that you're blaming yourself for this instead of putting the blame on the one who's actually doing something wrong tells me that your husband is, indeed, emotionally abusing you, because he's blaming you for his behavior when he says he's having sex with others because you hurt him.

GET OUT. NOW. Before this has even longer-lasting, more severe effects on you, your children, and your pregnancy.

No judge in his/her right mind is going to take those kids away from you and give them to someone who is behaving the way your husband is. If you can't afford a lawyer, contact a domestic abuse hotline for resources in your area. Because make no mistake, even if he never lays a hand on you, what he's doing is still abuse.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think about divorce all the time, but essentially I still love my husband, he's a good friend, and I love my children to death and can't imagine not seeing them every day. Please help.

That sounds like you want out, but are afraid that he will keep the children from you if you go. "Using the children" is a tactic.

I don't know if this could help you any, but in case anything does prove helpful I offer it to you.

http://speakoutloud.net/articles

It's a hub page linking to a LOT of articles.

HTH!

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi tryingtosurvive,

I fear that we have not given you the information you were hoping for.

Your question was,

"How do you become okay with an open marriage that is only for your husband?"

... and so, though I want to tell you to divorce your husband, I'll try to answer your question instead.

In the particular situation you're in, I think the only way you could theoretically be okay with it is if you realize that your husband is a weak man, and then you'd have to be willing to accept him just as he is. You don't have to suppose that what he's doing to you is fair, you only have to realize that he's too weak to be fair, and be willing to accept that about him.

But here's the thing. Being okay with this might not be the best thing you could do. As others have pointed out, he's setting a really bad example for the kids, and please don't hate me for saying this, but your acceptance of his bad behavior reinforces that bad example. If you love your kids, and I know you do, you should set the best example you can for them even if you'd rather do otherwise.

Re:

"No one knows about any of this except my therapist."

And what does your therapist say about it?

Re:

"I love my children to death and can't imagine not seeing them every day."

You're saying that you don't want split custody, where he gets the kids on some days and you get the kids on other days.

All I can do is reiterate what I said above. Since you do love your kids, you need to be thinking about what's the best possible example you can set for them. That way, one of their parents would be setting the right example (as I don't think your husband's going to change his ways).

I have to agree with all the advice you've received on this thread. Please, for your sake and the sake of your kids and their future and their future spouses, please remove yourself from this abusive situation; don't try to be okay with it.

But if you can't/won't leave him, I guess the next-best thing is to try to be okay with it like you said. In which case you should repeat to yourself over and over, "He's a weak man; I can't expect him to be kind or honorable because he's too weak for that. If I'm going to remain with him and willingly be his wife, then I need to accept him just as he is. He's not going to change. He's too weak to change."

I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament. You should know that polyamorous people do not condone what your husband is doing. Far from it.