need more advice!

[bcpoa]

I have posted here before and I received a great deal of help and advice so here I am again.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107239
Please see my last thread for full story, but I will include a short summary.

My husband (33) and I (28m) have been navigating our share of issues with our relationship. I can honestly say in the past few weeks we have made tremendous headway in terms of sharing our feelings openly and honestly in a mostly respectful way. This is encouraging and healing.

We’ve explored varying degrees of polyamory together. I fell in love with a man that we both dated. That does not sit well with my husband, he demanded that relationship end. This ordeal has sort us left us at rock bottom and looking for solutions.

At this point my husband knows that I believe I am polyamorous. He’s doing a lot within his power to try to convince me otherwise. He’s questioning how it will look (trying to force it into the constructs of a mono society), he’s questioning whether it will make me happy, and even “what kind of person would date an already married man?” or “so when you go through a break up I’m left to pick up the pieces?”

It feels very much like he’s uninterested in understanding my feelings because, as he says, what does it benefit him for me to be poly? I want to make my relationship with my husband work because we do have a great level of chemistry and balance. I do not want to give up too soon. That being said, it has been tiring to remind him that these feelings are not going away for me.

I am truly torn inside about whether I should continue on with the relationship if my husband is opposed to what I am expressing as my needs. I ask myself, could he be right in that will this path make me happy? I question if there’s more I could do. I wish he would give me the freedom to explore this and find out if it he right for me but he says that’s not an option for him in the sense that I want to continue dating the man we dated together. He is only okay with our swinging and more superficial sexual relationships. Where I picture a community of lovers down the road, maybe even more than one nesting partner, he does not.

I worry that I am going to end up regretting leaving and not working harder but at the same time I worry that I am giving up a piece of myself by staying. He is not the type of person to actively seek help or advice either on the web or through friends or books. Counseling itself has been a struggle. How can I help him see that our dreams of a family and loving life together can still exist, even if its not just as he pictured?

I am not trying to paint him as “the bad guy” to me there is no bad guy – just trying to figure out the best way forward!

Help!

 

[breathemusic]

There's a big difference between someone understanding your feelings, and being willing to consent to change the relationship structure and give up the manogomy that they thought they were signing up for.

Really it doesn't sound like you're getting either. But also that based on what you've written, you're not just asking him to UNDERSTAND that this is how you feel, and allow you to be open with your feelings. You also want his consent to PRACTICE the polyamory that you identify with.

So I think, step 1 is, decide what you really are wanting, and what you want from him.

Step 2, understand that he doesn't have to be ok with it. Even if he ultimately accepted and respected that this is who you are and what you want/need, if it's not what he wants or needs, and isn't what he signed up for, he doesn't have to consent to it. At which point both of you are going to have to make a decision about whether or not you should remain in a relationship. But ultimately, you control your own actions and behaviors, and he controls his.

I just went back to re-fresh my memory on your previous thread, and clearly your husband hasn't had great behavior throughout all of this... but I also think that it's pretty obvious based on how he's reacting that polyamory isn't for him. It might be time for you to make a decision about whether you can happily live with monogamy with him, or if you need to practice the polyamory that you identify with. You're worried about if you'll regret leaving and not working harder... but to play devil's advocate, if you "convinced" him, then how can you be sure that he actually enthusiastically consented and didn't feel coerced into living a lifestyle that he never wanted just because he didn't want you to leave?

This is just my opinion as 1 person, but if you have to push that hard to get someone to accept that polyamory could be something that they might enjoy, maybe.... they're not poly and you're just trying to paint stripes on a horse and convince it that it's a zebra.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi bcpoa,

Your husband is willing to do casual sex with others, but that's not what you want, so let's not even consider that option. The bottom line is, you want to be polyamorous, and your husband does not want you to be polyamorous. In fact, you want to continue dating the man you dated together, and your husband is 100% opposed to that. So let's make no bones about what's at stake here. If you are going to stay with your husband, you are going to have to do without polyamory, and perhaps more to the point, you are going to have to do without the man you dated together. That is the price you pay for staying married to your husband. I suppose you can always hope he'll have a change of heart, but I have to say that seems unlikely to me. I don't know what words you could say to convince him.

I am guessing he has a problem with the man you dated together because that man is what made polyamory real to him. Polyamory is less threatening if it doesn't have an actual face, at least that's how I think your husband feels. If you were to start dating people polyamorously, he'd probably be okay with it until you started having feelings for someone new. Then it'd be him demanding you end the new relationship all over again. Attempting polyamory without the man you dated together, only kicks the can down the road. I could be wrong, I guess the only way to know is to try. I'm a little unclear on whether he is forbidding you to practice any polyamory at all, with anyone. As well as would you want to practice poly with anyone except the man you dated together. Would that matter?

In order to move forward, I think you are going to have to ask yourself, can you be happy without poly? I'm sorry to have to say that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ignoring the abusive sounding stuff form the other thread?

It's still the same. You and husband are not sounding compatible. He wants casual sex/swinging. You want polyamory.

To me you sound like you are in the "bargaining" stage of grief. Like still trying to find a way to make this work with him, turning the puzzle pieces every which way, trying to "convince" him.

How can I help him see that our dreams of a family and loving life together can still exist, even if its not just as he pictured?

Can you do the same? Your dreams of a family/loving life can still exist. Even if it is without THIS person as "the husband" in that picture.

I am not trying to paint him as “the bad guy” to me there is no bad guy – just trying to figure out the best way forward!

You may have to consider moving forward in your life without him. Then you are free TO poly as you wish. And he is free FROM poly stuff he does not want. That might be best way forward so both can be free of this suffering.

At this point my husband knows that I believe I am polyamorous. He’s doing a lot within his power to try to convince me otherwise.

How is trying to talk you out of who you are or who you think you are him doing kind or loving behavior?

If you are trying to talk him out of who HE is? That's not nice either.

You guys want different things from life.

He’s questioning how it will look (trying to force it into the constructs of a mono society).

Well, how would you guys being Open/doing swinging look? (It can flip the other way too.)

he’s questioning whether it will make me happy, and even “what kind of person would date an already married man?”

What kind of married people do swinging/open? (See? Still can be flipped.)

or “so when you go through a break up I’m left to pick up the pieces?”

He doesn't have to pick up the pieces FOR you. But he has to respect that you might not be all insta-smiles. Can he not be supportive in giving you that grieving space? You honored his demand for you to dump someone you care about. He got his way. He can't give you healing space/support since it was hard for you to do? Or is this about "put a smile on your face already and get back to serving me?" in vibe? Like the old BF is gone, so why aren't you back to "normal" already?

Is this relationship with husband one where he gets most of the receiving?

It feels very much like he’s uninterested in understanding my feelings because, as he says, what does it benefit him for me to be poly?

I think you pretty much call it. He's NOT interested in understanding yoru feelings. He is not interested in knowing this part of you. He's NOT interested in participating in anything poly.

He is not sounding like he would be up for "open/swinging on my side and poly on yours."

You guys don't sound compatible, hon.

Even if you both went back to monogamy -- it doesn't change the compatibility issues. Nor the abusive sounding behaviors from previous thread. The deeper problems are still going to be there. And he's not really into working it out through counseling. I think you see that.

I worry that I am going to end up regretting leaving and not working harder but at the same time I worry that I am giving up a piece of myself by staying

How much work do you expect yourself to DO here to keep the marriage afloat? BEYOND your fair share?

Another possibility -- you could be willing to be sad at first with leaving. And then over time as you heal you could become ok with the decision to leave BECAUSE you did not giving up any pieces of yourself nor subsume yourself to the relationship.

In then end, only you can decide what you want to do. I think it is ok to say "No. I love you, but not even for you will I do things or stay in things that are hurting me."

To me? It sounds like a lot of uphill work to get nowhere much and this continues to hurt you.

In the other thread... to me it sounded like BF was kinder to you than husband is. That speaks volumes.

I'm sure there have been some good moments with husband in the past, but if overall it's just downward spiral kinda stuff in the PRESENT? And a "meh" looking future since he's not holding up his end of the marriage sticks? Not really trying in counseling? Mostly interested in what he's gonna get out of it or not? Rather than figuring out what is best and healthiest for both people?

You may have to accept that is all you will ever get here. And stop trying to pretzel yourself trying to keep that kite flying.

You could aspire to THRIVE in your relationships. Not just merely survive them.

I think you would have been better off ending it with husband and moving forward with BF who is kinder to you.

Or even ending it with BOTH and moving on to be on your own for a while to heal from this whole experience.

You don't sound happy in your marriage. Like you wish you could be, but actually... you are not.

You have my symapthies. I cannot imagine any of this is fun or easy.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with GG. And I know it's a terribly terribly hard place to be in, and hard decisions to be made. Especially as you're in an upset and highly emotional state. It might be hard to take in advice.

If your hubs is being a dick in therapy, ahem, sorry, I mean: insecure, resistant, abusive, you might consider stopping couple's counseling and just go to individual therapy to build your own strength and self respect. This is what worked for me. My ex h was very resistant in therapy. He stonewalled. He gaslighted. He'd pull up incidents from a decade ago to "prove" I didn't love him "enough", and never had, etc. Our counselor actually dropped him as a patient eventually because he wouldn't or couldn't make any progress. She said I was doing and saying everything that showed how much I loved and cared for him. He couldn't see it. He was firmly convinced I didn't love him, he was unlovable. NO ONE respected him. Etc., etc.

I was already also doing individual therapy and went on to do 3 years total. It made a world of difference in how I valued myself and honored my feelings, needs and desires. It finally enabled me to leave a 30 year relationship/marriage. As we left divorce court he was crying that it was over. He blamed himself. It was too late. I walked away with my head high and a smile of freedom on my face.