Need opinion on breakup

H

hjeckyl

New member
I was with my lover for almost exactly 6 months - the last few weeks there have been issues... after daily texts and chats for 5 of those months, there was nothing last weekend... then Monday... she called me at work, from her work - we both have private offices - and said we need to talk, things aren't working out, after about 20 minutes, an important call came she had to take, she told me to take care of myself, and that was that.

I sent an email, she texted she didn't know what she could say.

Two days later I texted and said I'm still not feeling OK about things - asked a couple questions, she answered about the reasons - nothing surprising - and said he needed me to respect her need to heal.

When I say there were issues - there was no overriding huge thing - it was several little things that pointed to us not being as compatible as we thought.

My question - does a 20 minute breakup call at 9 Monday morning, and then not much or almost no contact after that - seem inappropriately short? - this was an intense relationship with daily contact, lots of long talks, mutual problem solving etc.

I feel like either I wasn't that important to her or she is so hurt its hard for her to talk about it - but either way, I'm feeling very slighted like what universe was I living in the last 6 months?

Any advice appreciated.
 
Sounds just about right to me.

If it's not working for her, and she chooses non-contact as her plan to heal then please respect it. It doesn't actually matter how intense/daily/problem solving it was, she's opted out because something was not working for her and nothing will or should reverse that. I even think it was here I saw the recommendation for a decent non-contact period. Start with 60 days minimum. It's actually healthy. If you're going to "be friends" one day, it will depend on a) if you both want to, and b) how you show your respect for her in the immediate wake of the break up. Don't be the guy she has to block.
 
I'm sorry. *Sometimes* people manage a breakup which is more of a mutual agreement. But unless there are uncommon levels of maturity in both people, breakups are usually onesided. It is common to be surprised, to want clarity and to bargain for the relationship, but there is probably nothing that can change her decision right now. So yes, find a shoulder to cry on and go no contact for a period of time. Give yourself time to heal too.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the break up. I can imagine you might be feeling blah right now.

said he needed me to respect her need to heal.
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She's asked you to respect her need to heal -- so leave her be and give her space.

You might have questions, but it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to date any more.

All in all, it sounded like a polite and respectful break up. Could appreciate that.

Don't wreck it by being that guy who cannot leave well enough alone and starts being weird calling more now after a break up than during the actual relationship wanting to know "Why? Why?"

She's already given you reasons. Accept it, begin to let the relationship go, and do take care of yourself.

My question - does a 20 minute breakup call at 9 Monday morning, and then not much or almost no contact after that - seem inappropriately short? - this was an intense relationship with daily contact, lots of long talks, mutual problem solving etc.
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Sounds fine to me. What more does an ending need to be? It's ended. Why would she keep up contact?

How much longer do you think a break up conversation has to be?

If you are now exes, she's not obligated to help you with your post-break up healing. She has her own healing to work on.

I feel like either I wasn't that important to her or she is so hurt its hard for her to talk about it - but either way, I'm feeling very slighted like what universe was I living in the last 6 months?
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No break up is FUN. But stop contacting her. These are your feelings to manage. Not hers.

Galagirl
 
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If she is like me, and she sounds like she is, when I end a relationship I treat it like ripping off a bandaid. I just want it done and over with.

For goodness sake she called you. You talked for 20 twenty minutes. She didn't ghost on you. She didn't break up with you via text or email. Please do not berate or badger her for "closure". Do not be that guy.

Take this time and either work on your marriage or work on a dissolving it before trying polyamory again.
 
hjeckyl, I really feel for you. Break-ups are never easy, especially when a relationship has been intense and you're not ready for it to end.

Dagferi said:
If she is like me, and she sounds like she is, when I end a relationship I treat it like ripping off a bandaid. I just want it done and over with.

For goodness sake she called you. You talked for 20 twenty minutes. She didn't ghost on you.
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I agree with Dagferi here. Better this way ^ than having the relationship devolve slowly and messily over many weeks or months, interspersed with crying, yelling and bitter accusations.

A clean, respectful break is the mature way to handle things, although it may indeed seem like you aren't getting the "closure" you need.

Take this time and either work on your marriage or work on a dissolving it before trying polyamory again.
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I think THIS is the important point here. Please take note, hjeckyl, if you intend on pursuing polyamory in the future and/or wish to salvage your marriage/sex life.

As it stands, there is no way you can be a good partner to anyone else while your wife still has so many reservations and you haven't yet come to an acceptable arrangement about how to handle your personal life.
 
Hi hjeckyl,

I have to agree with the others, your ex-lover did not spend nearly the amount of time you were used to, but she did not disappear on you either, she talked to you for about 20 minutes, which is a decent amount of time. Enough to answer most of your questions, I would think. She was probably hoping you wouldn't contact her anymore, but when you did contact her, her responses were brief but polite. For breaking up, that's actually pretty good. I think she could talk to you for hours and you still wouldn't feel like you had closure. She probably thought that too, which was why she didn't talk to you for hours.

If this is the same person as the one you spoke of in your first thread, you have to admit this breakup wasn't a complete surprise. You have a wife at home who dislikes polyamory, a factor that probably played a role in this breakup. Right now the thing to focus on is working things out with your wife. Let the other woman go. In that way, you can be the source of your own closure.

Breaking up is always painful, especially when it is her breaking up with you. If you need to talk about it, can I suggest you talk about it here? We are strangers on the internet, but we can lend you a sympathetic ear. I am sure you are hurting right now, and I truly feel bad for you. You are now going through the stages of grief. One of those stages is bargaining, such as trying to negotiate to save the relationship. After bargaining comes depression, and nobody enters that stage eagerly. But it is a stage you will have to go through. I'm sorry to be saying that.

I hope this thread is of help to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you

I appreciate and agree with all the advice.

The funny thing is what I am now regretting is the moments of weakness after - I sent her a long email that night, then the day after, texted her. In that text, I pushed her for the reasons why - she said she didn't want to hurt me, but I told her its nothing I am sure I haven't heard before so she told me her very valid reasons, nothing surprising. I regret making her say those things when she was trying to be kind in the beginning - I feel like I hurt her more by not just moving on. I want to apologize at least for that, but I won't and am and resisting the urge to contact her.

And yes, I am not wanting another relationship right now.

One of the things I realized is I feel like I have emerged from a fog, and I am fully present in my own life again. I think for the past 5 months I have been swept up in this unexpected romance, and living every moment (which obviously puts strain at home). I feel re-engaged with work, getting things done I need to - I don't think I was completely slacking, but I sure feel like I have emerged from the other side of something.

Also in retrospect, though we talked for a few weeks before being intimate, things really kicked off in mid May, and we were last together in mid July - with a lot of life getting in the way in the middle - so this monumental thing for all practical purposes lasted hot and heavy for 10 weeks, but with probably more than that put into conversation and communication every day, x10 for intensity.

I really do want to be friends with her, and based on my past history, I've been friends with old lovers and its not a problem. I realize its up to her.
 
One of the things I realized is I feel like I have emerged from a fog
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Glad you are feeling a bit better.

I regret making her say those things when she was trying to be kind in the beginning - I feel like I hurt her more by not just moving on. I want to apologize at least for that, but I won't and am and resisting the urge to contact her.
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Do resist the urge to contact her again right now. Respect her request for space at this time.

Later down -- say in in a year, you can send an apology email. Short and sweet. Maybe like

"I wanted to reach out to tell you I regret making you say those things when you were trying to be kind when breaking up. I ended up whooshing at you rather than respecting your requested need for space. I apologize. In hindsight, I know I could have done better than that. I want you to know I appreciate that you tried to be gentle when breaking up. I learned a lot."​

And let it be that. But for NOW? Leave it alone.

Galagirl
 
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What you are asking for is called JADE.

Justify, argue, defend, explain. Rehashing things and going in those circles helps no one. The only thing someone needs to do to break it off is to tell you they don't want to date you anymore. She does not owe you anything else. Respect her wishes, even if you do not agree with them. You don't get to hold someone's freedom from you hostage.
 
PurpleSun said:
Justify, argue, defend, explain. Rehashing things and going in those circles helps no one. The only thing someone needs to do to break it off is to tell you they don't want to date you anymore. She does not owe you anything else. Respect her wishes, even if you do not agree with them. You don't get to hold someone's freedom from you hostage.
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I agree and thank you. I took it pretty hard for a couple days, and now I regret texting her after the initial call. I am absolutely giving her space and am not going to contact her.
 
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