So....Gonna try and make this comprehensible, but long story short, big miscommunication with my ex months back.
I was told my comfort level, not being talked about sexually to others, was okay. I didn't want something that scary for me (past trauma) to be talked about casually like they talked to me about them and their partner once. (Without warning, it made me super uncomfortable.) Initially I had said I'd understand if their other partner needed that kind of information, and I would have processed that expectation if I hadn't been robbed of the chance to, but I was told I was okay. They said my meta knew it was a possibility, and was okay with it.
Then I found out it really, really wasn't. Apparently my ex had been asked to hold off on certain things until they'd done them together first. I didn't get told this.They were together first, afterall. I'd asked multiple times if things were okay. But I got misled. Their partner felt cheated on, I felt like the other woman. Scared the shit out of me, because my meta lashed out at me, and then demanded more vulnerability and trust from me after, saying I'd been given no reason to distrust. And I don't trust easy at all but I'd been trying so hard to because of what they meant to my ex. I wanted to be friends, sincerely.
I know no-one can MAKE you feel any which way, but my meta made me feel small and stupid, I guess. And they resented me for not becoming close with their other partner too, which was just...in hindsight, too much for me, all together. I kinda had to if I ever wanted to live with my ex, which would have been all in my meta's power anyway and I'd have had to pack up and leave the state. Their plan was eventually to leave the country, even, and there was no way I could do that as a disabled person, and my voice didn't matter in this. Choice would have come eventually. I don't want to ever be married long distance, and I'm not about making someone pick. But regardless, I get super overwhelmed keeping up with more than a small handful of people.
And also, in the beginning of mine and my ex's relationship, we had weekly dates, but once they moved in with my meta they were going out constantly and I was lucky for one or two chat dates a month. I was really happy for them. It was good for both of them and they'd both really wanted this. But we used to have dates on the weekends, and then that went away completely. They had to constantly get rescheduled because they mischedualed, or I gave up dates because my meta had a bad day. Hell, I bought them food because I felt bad I couldn't help more, even after this event. Even when we had dates, though, they got intruded on by my meta or my ex would zone off and disconnect towards the end and it hadn't used to be like that.
I tried to take it on the chin and be chill about dates. I couldn't speak totally freely while living with family, and I felt bad about that, so I tried to suck it up. But it took me till now to realize that that made me feel like a toy? I came around when things with their ex were coming to a close, and was new and a distraction, and then once they moved in with my meta I felt like last priority. They even said as much once when we talked about it that they'd been putting me last. I tried a few times to suggest weekly dates again but they didn't even reply to that part. It got better for a bit...and then the drama came.
The timing was just awful too. This all blew up days after them saying they wanted to marry me someday, which was something I never thought I'd consider again, just for them to weaponize that against my meta and drop the information on me that my meta had expressed wanting to marry them previously. And even though I've got pretty much no feelings towards this part, which idk what to make of that, they got into a new trio relationship with them, my meta, and another not even a month after this blew up. Which...I wanted them to let their feelings lead them, but the timing was a bit hard. I don't hurt about it. But my mind is still stirring.
After that incident though, I got super touchphobic. The thought of sex freaked me out. I didn't feel safe. I didn't want it at all. I tried to process and I couldn't get over it. I went into this relationship fully content to not have sex be a part of it at all, until they brought up their feelings. It took so much for me to not feel dirty for catching those feelings. I still feel like a slut after this. I was easy. They said as much in different words that I was easy to have sex with and it stuck with me. So I guess I realized that even though I don't need that kind of thing, it's really important to me to feel safe to be intimate even if I'm not. And towards the end of this relationship I felt scared by the idea of a hug because of this. Guilty, too, because that was the one thing they weren't okay without. It wasn't fair to them that I shy from touch.
They tried to fix it. I know they did. I tried too. I definitely wasn't perfect. My depression was awful, fight or flight was always switched on after this, (specifically flight and freeze) and the only good thing about long distance was that they couldn't see me constantly crying.
I really regret how the breakup went, because it came from my level of fear and my timing sucked. I fell apart. I think I took them by surprise because...I really, really loved them, I never ever say that when I don't mean it with my whole heart, and I saw a life with them, but I couldn't handle that hurting so much anymore. I didn't want to ever be pulled between them and my meta again, I realized that after a small spat gave me a meltdown. The distance was killing me, I was literally so stressed I was binge eating or not eating at all. Planes are a source of tons of trauma. I wasn't out. I'm still frustrated that I couldn't call casually like I wished to, but then most the times I had time to they were busy anyway.
I was also breaking promises I'd made to myself? In true "maybe this familiar thing I swore off after last time will feel different this time" fashion. I think that although I could be in a poly relationship, and I sincerely just want people happy and loved, I'm too fragile for this dynamic. And my personal boundaries for myself are a mess. I need to fix that.
I spent a month shredding myself for every misstep I took. I learned alot at least. I steadily shrunk myself and didn't speak up about things that made me uncomfortable because I was tired of being emotional. I was agreeable to the point of waking up one day and realizing I'd chopped up all my long standing plans and wants for my life to fit into some half formed mold of what everyone else wanted. Codependency is a bitch like that and I still need to heal it. So two people pleasers together was a bad idea I think. Distance has given me clarity about defalting to survival mode, and resentment, and all those unfun emotions.
But this. This still hurts really bad. I felt so safe and happy and let myself be that vulnerable just to find out it hurt everyone involved. I couldn't live with that. And I couldn't let it go. I feel like a broken record but I think...that's really what made things feel inhospitable for me. Love by itself isn't enough. Not with my history. Certain things are too much for me, and hurt in the area of sex is something I can't emotionally handle. I just wanted it to not hurt this time.
I was told my comfort level, not being talked about sexually to others, was okay. I didn't want something that scary for me (past trauma) to be talked about casually like they talked to me about them and their partner once. (Without warning, it made me super uncomfortable.) Initially I had said I'd understand if their other partner needed that kind of information, and I would have processed that expectation if I hadn't been robbed of the chance to, but I was told I was okay. They said my meta knew it was a possibility, and was okay with it.
Then I found out it really, really wasn't. Apparently my ex had been asked to hold off on certain things until they'd done them together first. I didn't get told this.They were together first, afterall. I'd asked multiple times if things were okay. But I got misled. Their partner felt cheated on, I felt like the other woman. Scared the shit out of me, because my meta lashed out at me, and then demanded more vulnerability and trust from me after, saying I'd been given no reason to distrust. And I don't trust easy at all but I'd been trying so hard to because of what they meant to my ex. I wanted to be friends, sincerely.
I know no-one can MAKE you feel any which way, but my meta made me feel small and stupid, I guess. And they resented me for not becoming close with their other partner too, which was just...in hindsight, too much for me, all together. I kinda had to if I ever wanted to live with my ex, which would have been all in my meta's power anyway and I'd have had to pack up and leave the state. Their plan was eventually to leave the country, even, and there was no way I could do that as a disabled person, and my voice didn't matter in this. Choice would have come eventually. I don't want to ever be married long distance, and I'm not about making someone pick. But regardless, I get super overwhelmed keeping up with more than a small handful of people.
And also, in the beginning of mine and my ex's relationship, we had weekly dates, but once they moved in with my meta they were going out constantly and I was lucky for one or two chat dates a month. I was really happy for them. It was good for both of them and they'd both really wanted this. But we used to have dates on the weekends, and then that went away completely. They had to constantly get rescheduled because they mischedualed, or I gave up dates because my meta had a bad day. Hell, I bought them food because I felt bad I couldn't help more, even after this event. Even when we had dates, though, they got intruded on by my meta or my ex would zone off and disconnect towards the end and it hadn't used to be like that.
I tried to take it on the chin and be chill about dates. I couldn't speak totally freely while living with family, and I felt bad about that, so I tried to suck it up. But it took me till now to realize that that made me feel like a toy? I came around when things with their ex were coming to a close, and was new and a distraction, and then once they moved in with my meta I felt like last priority. They even said as much once when we talked about it that they'd been putting me last. I tried a few times to suggest weekly dates again but they didn't even reply to that part. It got better for a bit...and then the drama came.
The timing was just awful too. This all blew up days after them saying they wanted to marry me someday, which was something I never thought I'd consider again, just for them to weaponize that against my meta and drop the information on me that my meta had expressed wanting to marry them previously. And even though I've got pretty much no feelings towards this part, which idk what to make of that, they got into a new trio relationship with them, my meta, and another not even a month after this blew up. Which...I wanted them to let their feelings lead them, but the timing was a bit hard. I don't hurt about it. But my mind is still stirring.
After that incident though, I got super touchphobic. The thought of sex freaked me out. I didn't feel safe. I didn't want it at all. I tried to process and I couldn't get over it. I went into this relationship fully content to not have sex be a part of it at all, until they brought up their feelings. It took so much for me to not feel dirty for catching those feelings. I still feel like a slut after this. I was easy. They said as much in different words that I was easy to have sex with and it stuck with me. So I guess I realized that even though I don't need that kind of thing, it's really important to me to feel safe to be intimate even if I'm not. And towards the end of this relationship I felt scared by the idea of a hug because of this. Guilty, too, because that was the one thing they weren't okay without. It wasn't fair to them that I shy from touch.
They tried to fix it. I know they did. I tried too. I definitely wasn't perfect. My depression was awful, fight or flight was always switched on after this, (specifically flight and freeze) and the only good thing about long distance was that they couldn't see me constantly crying.
I really regret how the breakup went, because it came from my level of fear and my timing sucked. I fell apart. I think I took them by surprise because...I really, really loved them, I never ever say that when I don't mean it with my whole heart, and I saw a life with them, but I couldn't handle that hurting so much anymore. I didn't want to ever be pulled between them and my meta again, I realized that after a small spat gave me a meltdown. The distance was killing me, I was literally so stressed I was binge eating or not eating at all. Planes are a source of tons of trauma. I wasn't out. I'm still frustrated that I couldn't call casually like I wished to, but then most the times I had time to they were busy anyway.
I was also breaking promises I'd made to myself? In true "maybe this familiar thing I swore off after last time will feel different this time" fashion. I think that although I could be in a poly relationship, and I sincerely just want people happy and loved, I'm too fragile for this dynamic. And my personal boundaries for myself are a mess. I need to fix that.
I spent a month shredding myself for every misstep I took. I learned alot at least. I steadily shrunk myself and didn't speak up about things that made me uncomfortable because I was tired of being emotional. I was agreeable to the point of waking up one day and realizing I'd chopped up all my long standing plans and wants for my life to fit into some half formed mold of what everyone else wanted. Codependency is a bitch like that and I still need to heal it. So two people pleasers together was a bad idea I think. Distance has given me clarity about defalting to survival mode, and resentment, and all those unfun emotions.
But this. This still hurts really bad. I felt so safe and happy and let myself be that vulnerable just to find out it hurt everyone involved. I couldn't live with that. And I couldn't let it go. I feel like a broken record but I think...that's really what made things feel inhospitable for me. Love by itself isn't enough. Not with my history. Certain things are too much for me, and hurt in the area of sex is something I can't emotionally handle. I just wanted it to not hurt this time.
