Negotiating Weird Space, Sex

A

ademian

New member
I had an unsettling experience with my partner the other day. I'm upset and I don't know how to proceed with her.

We have been together 3 years, and while we both have other relationships, ours together is the longest-running for both of us. I don't know if we're primaries, but somewhere in that vicinity.

Anyway, I went on a trip for a week with one of my lovers, and when I came back I was so excited to see her again, but she was standoffish and said she felt "distant" from me. That's all right. A couple days later, I'm feeling sweet on her. I go to her place and we start fooling around. I start teasing her a little, with my dick pushing against her asshole. I say teasing because we've never done anal before. I've brought it up to her in the past and always her response was that it would only happen under rather unhealthy circumstances, which I'm not keen on meeting.

This time, she's moaning and into it. So we finally do it and it's great! Better than I expected. She tells me, "Oh, I enjoyed that more than I thought." I'm so jazzed. I asked her, post-coital, "How long since you did that?" She says, "A couple days ago" which, you know, knocked the breath outta me. So I ask her about it, and she was with a guy she met maybe 2 months ago, and it was not done according to the circumstances she'd told me she wanted. She said it had just felt right, and added that she might not have wanted to do it with me if she hadn't with him first. That last didn't help me out at all.

So, I know that things happen, and I'm not saying I don't want her to do this with anyone else, but I feel distraught and deceived about this. Are these just irrational feelings? I don't feel as close to her now. I told her I thought we were sharing something special, up until when she corrected me on that. Now we're not talking.

Am I creating an unnecessary problem?

I just want someone to give me some advice and tell me where I might stand or where I might go.
 
Some people see anal sex as a super intimate act, almost a trophy, and only to be given to primary style partners. Others don't. I used to. I now do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want.

Sometimes it feels right to do some sodomy on first date, other times it might feel right after months, or never.

There are some things I'd prefer to do with a near stranger first, just in case things get awkward with someone special.

The key is not to compare who did what with who, when, and think more about whether your relationships make you happy. Is she meeting your needs?
 
ademian said:
Are these just irrational feelings? I don't feel as close to her now.
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Yes, totally irrational. You don't own her body, but you had expectations that you were supposed to get first dibs on her butthole for some reason. She made a choice and now you're having a tantrum.

ademian said:
I told her I thought we were sharing something special up until she corrected me on that. Now we're not talking. Am I creating an unnecessary problem?
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Yes, you are making it an unnecessary problem. It sounded like it was pretty special. Why couldn't you soak that in and enjoy it? Does being the first one in there make it more special? Isn't the intimacy and pleasure of the moments you shared more important than who got there first?

ademian said:
I just want someone to give me some advice and where I might stand or where I might go.
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Apologize to her and from now on strive not to let your attachment to some romantic ideal get in the way of what you've got. Start looking at how attached you get to certain goals or outcomes. Appreciate the present.
 
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NYC I think you are missing my point. There's more context, of course, but both of us have experienced anal before. Hell, she's fucked me before. But I was under the impression she didn't want to do that, and I was fine with that. I guess I was also under the impression that if she did decide to try it, she'd want to try with me. And ya know, maybe she wanted to try it with a stranger first. She owns her body, of course. But my feelings are my own, and you don't seem to be into male sensitivity.
 
I was only trying to be helpful. It's 5:30 am here and I've been up all night, so I just had enough energy to be straightforward with you without adding flowery niceties. I do not think I missed your point - it's more likely that you just don't like my response. Take it or leave it.

I know you know it's her body, you stated as much in your post. I was not implying that you were assuming ownership or getting possessive. I only said that because it is a fact that it's her body.

You did sound like you felt entitled to "first dibs" on having anal sex with her in those circumstances just because she'd said she only wanted it under different circumstances -- so you ascribed certain meaning to the fact of her doing it unexpectedly in the way that you wanted it to happen, instead off her fantasy which you don't like, and the meaning you gave it was that it was "special" -- until she revealed that she did it with someone else she doesn't know as well. You make a point of saying that she only knew that guy a short time, so this seems to be a sticking point for you, in feeling "not special" anymore.

You took offense at that and hurt yourself with the information she gave you, essentially dismissing the wonderfulness you had felt earlier, and not appreciating what you did have with her. Suddenly, the good sexy time wasn't as good anymore, not as good as it felt a few moments earlier before you knew she had anal with someone else. Solely because she did it with someone else, it ruined it for you? Do you not see that as a problem of your own making?

You asked if you were being irrational and I answered honestly, from my viewpoint: Yes. You asked if you are making unnecessary problems, and I answered honestly: Yes. You asked what to do, and I answered honestly: Apologize to her and take a look at your attachment to certain outcomes. Whenever we are disappointed, it is because of our expectations.
 
If it's conceivable, I think you're correct, and you're still missing my point. I do appreciate the kind response. And I told her right away she didn't do anything wrong, but damn that still hurt me inside. And yeah I got expectations; she's very dear to me. This I was not expecting at all. Blindsided me.
 
You guys are all missing the point.

There is a point, and you are all missing it.
 
What do you think your point is OP? How can we better help you in getting the advice you need?
 
He wants us to say that she should have let him bum her first because he was banging her before the other guy.
 
ademian said:
I guess that's resolved then.
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Is it? Have you had the advice you were seeking or are you being sarcastic? Sorry but I can't tell very easily in text, but I would like to know what you found lacking in the answers given and whether there can be some new perspective given?
 
There is a chance that this "other guy" has managed to make her crave anal sex more than you ever did. I don't see this as a bad thing. I do not believe that it spells out betrayal either. Yes, she had certain rules in mind about what she wants, and when, as far as anal is concerned, but if she reconsidered whilst being intimate with this other guy, then it isn't bad for you, is it? In fact, she appears to have said that your awesome experience with her would not have taken place had it not been for the other guy! :)

I could be stepping over the line by saying this, but who goes where first or second doesn't matter at all. Personally, my attitude is that being intimate with more than one guy is great because it will help her see through multiple experiences that I'm somebody special and worth keeping. I don't see the fact that she dropped the rules for him first as betrayal. She is with you because she loves you and you should just cherish that love. ❤️

There is also a chance that she felt comfortable with doing this for the "other guy" because she isn't as close to him as she is to you. This may be difficult to comprehend, but sometimes people crave sodomy, as somebody else already mentioned in this thread, and it often feels right to try this with somebody that is not too emotionally attached to you.

I think you should apologise to her and simply be honest about feeling surprised to the extent that your judgement was clouded. However, if you don't agree with this, and you really do feel betrayed, then it could be that the relationship has become unhealthy for a number of reasons, in which case you should talk it over with her.
 
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ademian said:
I say teasing because we've never done it before and I've brought up anal to her in the past and always her response was that it would only happen under rather unhealthy circumstances which I'm not keen on meeting. So I ask her about it and she was with a guy she met maybe 2 months ago, and it was not according to the circumstances she'd told me.
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A buddy of mine was dating AM. I remember distinctly his telling me he was a bit disappointed because she wasn't in to giving oral. It lasted a little while, he liked her and all but wanted to "play the field" a bit more so broke it off with her. A short time later she and I hooked up and I was surprised that she immediately gave me oral (without my prompting). I asked her "I thought you weren't into that?" and explained why I thought that. She said that she wasn't into it with him, but it wasn't a statement about what she enjoyed with me.

This was the beginning of my understanding that people are different with different lovers. I began noticing that I was different (sometimes only slightly and sometimes quite a bit) with each lover. Much later I began to have the courage to internalize the truth that my lovers were different with me than they were with others. Unlocking this achievement was more difficult as I needed to let go of all of my notions that sex with me was somehow special and that she's the wildest, most expressive, and most responsive with me than she is with anyone.

Women will try things with me that they've never tried before because I prompt something different in their behavior and they just don't feel like expressing that part of themselves with all of their other lovers. Women will decline doing things with me that they have done with other lovers because they just don't feel like expressing that part of themselves with me.

Further (as your situation makes pretty clear) a persons sexual expression isn't static for the length of their lives. As with any other behavior, experiences and time can change how we do things and how we view our behavior.

ademian said:
So, I know that things happen, and I'm not saying I don't want her to do that with anyone else, but I feel distraught and deceived about this. Are these just irrational feelings? I don't feel as close to her now. I told her I thought we were sharing something special up until she corrected me on that. Now we're not talking. Am I creating an unnecessary problem?
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It's irrational and unnecessary, yes. That doesn't mean that it's unreasonable to have the feelings; it would just be unreasonable to presume your partner should take action in service to your insecurities. You determined you have a blindspot in your emotional maturity and now it's time to deal with it (you, not her).
 
Consider this psychology: you two have been together 3 years. Many times both people carry around their original self-image from the time they first met someone. In the case of the two of you, part of your gf's self-image is one who is hesitant about anal sex. In the meantime, you are both experiencing life. Growing. Inside changes are occurring in the psyche. But those changes aren't really in the conscious realm, so although she may have been growing more comfortable with her body and who she is over time, and more used to the idea of anal sex, in her conscious mind, especially in regard to you, because it has been an issue you two have discussed, she is still anal-hesitant.

Then wham, she is in a new situation where the conscious discussions she had with you, the self image she has when she is with you, no longer applies, and she goes with what she feels, what she has grown into. There was no thought on her part of betraying you. She was not trying to hurt you. But the situation allowed her to step out of who she thought she was. This is a good thing. This is a growing thing. And sometimes growing occurs outside the realm of the relationship between two people.
 
As an addendum, you probably fucked this up royally with her. I know if I had been chastised like that after what should have been chalked up as a beautiful experience, it would be a long time before I would feel inclined to share myself that way with you again, not out vindictiveness, but out of the association with the negative emotional fallout.

I'm not saying this is fair or righteous, but just how it probably how would be. I say this because, if you want to, you do have the power to change this. But it won't evaporate by itself overnight.
 
So you had nice anal sex with the GF. And after anal sex she accidentally outted herself in a lie?

And I asked her post-coital "How long since you done that?" And she says "Couple days ago" to, you know, knock the breath outta me. So I ask her about it. She was with a guy she met maybe two months ago, and it was not according to the circumstances she'd told me.
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That seems to be the crux of it. Could you clarify and give more details around that chunk? I could be wrong, but I get the impression that she lied about how she met the guy somewhere in there? :confused:

In the post-sex goofy space, she accidentally let that slip. So you realized then that you'd been lied to and it came as a shock? And when called on it, she scrambles to cover it or to minimize it, gloss it over?

She said it'd just felt right, and added that she might not have wanted to do it with me if she hadn't with him first. That last didn't help me out at all.
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It seems like she was trying to justify it and take attention away from her lying behavior and have you focus on "benefits for you" instead. Kinda like "See the sex cookies? Look here! Look here! Don't look over there where I lie... Look over here! Yummy sex cookies for you!" which cheapens and devalues the sex share you just had, because even if it was good, what was her original intention? Now you have to wonder if it was some secret "pity fuck" to assuage herself for lying to you? Is there anything else she leaves out and lies about?

And when you express your upset over the lying, she plays the "moving spotlight" game to keep from being held accountable for her lie.

She shuts it down and flips it around, making it seem like you are the one making a fuss, creating "unnecessary problems," when you aren't the one who lied and then outed yourself?

Is that where this is all at? :confused: If so? You could take a time out. Breathe... Calm down... Then when you're cooler and not so fresh from the experience, deliberate to see if you want to reconcile or not.

I'm sorry you got dinged. :(

So, I know that things happen, and I'm not saying I don't want her to do that with anyone else, but I feel distraught and deceived about this. Are these just irrational feelings? I don't feel as close to her now.
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It seems you found out your partner lied to you somewhere before. You also found out she intended to keep on lying to you. She wasn't going to own up to it. She just accidentally spilled the beans. When called on it, she doesn't want to be held accountable.

Feeling upset sounds about right to me. I'd be upset if I found out my partner lied to me.

The thing to decide next is... do you want to reconcile or let this relationship go? How trustworthy is she overall? Was this a one-time thing, or a chronic pattern?

Galagirl
 
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Buttsecks

Buttsecks
 
ademian said:
I start teasing her a little with my dick pushing against her asshole. I say teasing because we've never done it before and I've brought up anal to her in the past and always her response was that it would only happen under rather unhealthy circumstances which I'm not keen on meeting... She was with a guy she met maybe two months ago, and it was not according to the circumstances she'd told me.
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GG, I don't think she lied about how she met the guy that got into her ass first, I think she changed her mind about her conditions for buttsecks, whatever they might be, and however "unhealthy" the OP thinks they are.

I really wonder what those conditions might be. Some kind of tie me down and pretend to rape me stuff?
 
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