Nesting partner wants to go back to monogamy

Starbucks and I had a long talk last night, and she told me that she doesn’t want to be poly anymore. She said she wasn’t expecting me to take to it as quickly as I did. She wants to postpone our wedding (again) and maybe not get married at all. I’m blindsided because I thought things were going better with us, and I don’t know how to break the news to Techie and Musician. I love them both very much, and I don’t want to lose either of them as a friend. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get Starbucks and I back on track, but I don’t want to cause anyone any more pain than I already have.
 
Starbucks and I had a long talk last night, and she told me that she doesn’t want to be poly anymore.

I found your choice of phrasing very confusing here. Was Starbucks saying that *she* didn’t want to be poly anymore? Or was she asking *you* to change your current relationships? That was the impression I got from your further comments.

Either way, sorry to hear that you’re struggling.
 
I found your choice of phrasing very confusing here. Was Starbucks saying that *she* didn’t want to be poly anymore? Or was she asking *you* to change your current relationships? That was the impression I got from your further comments.

Either way, sorry to hear that you’re struggling.

Sorry I wasn’t clear. It sounded to me like she wants both of us to be monogamous again. She’s going to end her relationship with Mistress, and she wants me to end my relationships too.
 
She said she wasn’t expecting me to take to it as quickly as I did.

So she wants to stop because you transitioned better than she expected? What was she really wanting to happen instead? :confused:

Do you want to end your other relationships? Yes or no?

Do you want to try compromise like "Ok, no NEW people will be added. I will limit myself to those already here."

If she's only up for totally Closed monogamy where it is just you and her? That's the offer on the table? She's done with poly and she wants to practice that now? You have to decide if you are up for that. Or not.

If it is that she simply wants to end everything but is struggling on how to say it? Ask her. If she prefers to just let it ALL go and part ways amicably.

If you guys don't see eye to eye.... probably best NOT to get married. Def don't get married until this is well sorted out.

I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get Starbucks and I back on track.

What makes you think this is not the right track? She's already postponed wedding once.

It's not a terrible thing to be Engaged and have all the talks and find out that you are not Deeply Compatible after all. To me? It's been a successful engagement period that spares you both the cost of wedding & divorce. As well as the emotional and mental pain. Nobody should enter a marriage in bad faith or with their heart not really in it. What for?

It's not a successful engagement like "Ok, we ARE Deeply Compatible. We are ending the Engagement Period and moving on to setting a wedding date." But it is still a success. That's what the Engagement Period is FOR -- the deep thinking/talks.

I hate to see you bending yourself into pretzels if this is about her not really wanting to get married or do poly.

Why force it? If her heart is not in either one any more? It's kinder to set her free. Are you willing to do that? Since you are willing to do anything to get back into right relationship with Starbucks?

Galagirl
 
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Agree with Galagirl that getting married doesn't sound like a bright idea for the state your relationship is in right now. You need to get your mono-poly sorted first and be in agreement about the future course both of you would want, so Starbucks having second thoughts is probably fitting for the situation rather than her not wanting you.

You adapting to poly better than she expected does not sound like a "real reason" to go back to monogamy. You doing well is unlikely to cause her problems. But clearly she has a problem. I would suggest trying to find out what it is so that you can address it or decide not to address it and move on.

You should probably have a discussion with her and find out what is going on with her. You adjusting better than she expected to poly is a problem, why? Is she feeling worried about losing your attention? What is the condition of her relationship with Mistress? Are they close to falling apart and she would rather have your full attention and support right now? Is she feeling neglected by you or threatened by Techie or Musician? Something else? Finding out more specific issues and how they impact her will give you a chance to address them.

If things are not good with Mistress and she is feeling vulnerable about that relationship, it can make her want to make "certain" of you or see your relationship as something that could go away too. If you're not being a good hinge, that could make her want to call the whole thing off and stick to what you have as well. But a lot of reassuring seems to be on your horizon either way. Something has her spooked, unless whimsically pulling strings is normal for her.

At the same time, it is not fair to you or your other partners to be asked to end it or else. You have to decide whether you allow someone this level of control on your life. You may want to point out that Techie and Musician are people too and you have feelings for them that were pursued honestly within the agreed conditions of your relationship and you can't simply discard them like unwanted objects. YOU are a person too, and can't simply be allowed to get attached to people and then told to stop. Unless of course the issue with Starbucks is legitimately massive that makes such actions worth considering (can't imagine what it would be)

For what it is worth, if I were in your place, I would not agree to relationships with those I love being truncated by someone else - even if it is another person I love. For reasons of ethics and autonomy as well as setting precedents for your primary relationship's future. Things you allow become new norms, and overruling your autonomy should not be a right you grant to anyone.
 
I don’t want to cause anyone any more pain than I already have.

I don't know your whole story but I don't recall seeing where you caused anyone pain. It's not your fault your nesting partner switched gears on you.

I agree with the others that she gave you a bs reason. Were you given an ultimatum? I wouldn't rush into anything until you've had some frank discussions.

You are in a tough spot.
 
FWIW, it's not uncommon that an "innovator" partner in a dyad will go haring off after some major relational change (kink, swing, poly) saying "well, now you're free to do the same -- ta!!"... then go all weird when the "laggard" partner actually finds personal positives. (Group Sex, Gilbert Bartell, 1971)

The discussion boils quickly down to "can I trust what you tell me, or not?"
 
WildColonial, I am not sure how you and Starbucks got to this point! You've started a lot of threads... I read your short blog and it hasn't been updated since July. Would you update there about the developing relationships you have with Techie and Musician, and Starbucks' thing with Mistress, so we can understand where the problems lie?

Maybe link to that blog post here after you do it, so people can read it and see what's gone wrong! Right now, I have no idea.
 
Hi WildColonial,

Sorry to hear that Starbucks has had a change of heart. I agree with the others that it doesn't seem very fair to Techie and Musician to drop them at this point, it's not like they've done anything wrong. I even wonder about why Starbucks is fixing to break up with Mistress, but maybe there's a reason other than just wanting to go back to monogamy. And I feel bad that Starbucks wants to postpone your wedding, it is almost like she is hitting you with an ultimatum, like she is holding the wedding hostage.

I can't think of advice to give you, I would suggest reassessment of your relationship with Starbucks but I know you love her and wouldn't want to do that. It doesn't sound like Starbucks is giving you any wiggle room, you are just going to have to do as she says and break up with Techie and Musician. :(

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Unless you had a previous veto agreement, I see no reason to break up with your OSOs, just because she wants to break up with hers.

If she is jealous of your NRE, that can be worked on. There is plenty of info here on how to do that.
 
Starbucks and I had a long talk last night, and she told me that she doesn’t want to be poly anymore. She said she wasn’t expecting me to take to it as quickly as I did. She wants to postpone our wedding (again) and maybe not get married at all...

Not wanting to get married is totally backward from wanting a mono lifestyle because by definition, legal marriages in the West are mono arrangements, and not wanting to get married at all is in keeping with a poly lifestyle. So there seems to be some mixed messages on both sides of the equation. If you're poly then my advice is to forget marriage. Then you'll both at least be in agreement on one thing.
 
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