Never been in the closet before, where's the door??

A

AnnikaAtlas

New member
I've never been in any relationship that wasn't monogamous and heterosexual, so I keep stumbling whenever I try to bring up that I've started seeing "someone"-- that "someone" being a married couple. I'm generally a very open person, secrecy isn't my thing, but I'm also dreading the inevitable judgement. My ex and I are freshly broken up (still trying to clear out our old joint apartment and put together a parenting plan) and he's been dating someone new for almost a month. Most of our support system (families and friends) are disgusted by how quickly he moved on. I keep trying to mitigate this reaction, since he's my son's father and I'm not interested in ragging on him for things that are normal and healthy (like moving on), and I've been saying that I also have started to date, and everyone naturally assumes I mean a nice, normal, single, heterosexual man and I don't know how to amend that. "This is the Ram, and this is his wife, but don't worry, I'm dating her, too"?

I think the only thing that will help some of them overcome their prejudice is just seeing us thrive and enjoy our arrangement, but I'd like to give them the best launching-off point possible to come to positive conclusions. Any advice?
 
Empathy is a great place to start. Let's say you find yourself sitting next to a person, whether someone you've known socially for some time (a "friend") or a complete stranger. In any case, she seems pleasant enough, & the two of you chitchat a little. Down the line, she says, "Oh, by the way, I'm ------," naming some facet of her life about which you know little -- Wiccan, Muslim, a vampire, a leather Domme, a former crack whore, an advance scout for the Arcturian invasion fleet...

How would you react? What would your first question be? Would you pursue conversation, or look to get away ASAP?

Should the topic have even been presented at all?

You apparently have three couples. Why not simply show up at various get-togethers with one or the other? Maybe say it's someone you're dating. Show simple signs of affection. Next time, you might (or might not) bring the other instead.

How "out" are your new flirtations? Is this something on THEIR calendar? How did they explain their previous girlfriend to THEIR friends & families?
 
Annika, I remember you posted when you were pregnant. I reread your old threads. You mostly just posted an OP and didn't respond to advice. To recap, you'd given your consent to your (now ex) husband to find another partner to fuck so he would stop "pestering" you to meet his sexual needs. You'd lost desire for him.

It didn't work out the way you'd envisioned. He got wrapped up in his new gf, while you still worked outside the home, gestated his child (which was planned), cooked and cleaned for him and did his laundry. You even jerked him off while he texted his gf... And he stayed up til all hours, playing video games with or without his gf, and apparently didn't care for you, his pregnant wife, in any way.

So, now. The baby has been born, the husband is your ex, he has a new gf, you've moved in with friends that you call "elitist" on another thread, you have a baby to care for, and now you're the unicorn for this married couple... Replacing the one that just left them.

You don't need to defend your ex husband's choice to be dating a new gf. That's his business. If anyone asks you about it, tell them, He is my ex. That's his business. End of conversation.

Personally, I have less issue with him having a gf now, since you're separated or divorced, than when you were pregnant or newly delivered, and getting no care from him since he was wrapped up in his new gf. It sounds like this is on you, you self sacrifice to the point of martyrdom to this man. I fear you will repeat this behavior with your new lovers, too.

As for "coming out" as dating 2 people yourself, well, you are just out of a marriage. There is no rule that says a newly single person may only date one person at a time. That is called "dating around."

If you can't tell your friends and family you are dating/screwing 2 people at once, don't tell them. I mean, if you feel it's unsafe, and you will be abused, or if you feel your parents will disown you or something, just don't tell them!

As you grow more confident in being polyamorous, and know more about the whole concept, you will be more able to be "out and proud."

Do I think it's a great idea to be a unicorn to a couple who just broke up with one, and you need their financial help, as a newly single mom? No, I don't. But that is your business and needn't be an issue to be discussed with anyone but these 2 people, and with friends or a counselor who DO understand this kind of polyamory.

By the way, try to think of it as dating 2 people, not as dating/screwing "a couple." You may be in danger of having your ass and your baby's ass out on the street if you lose interest in one or the other of the couple, or one of them loses interest in you. Read up on couple privilege and unicorn hunting.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I've been saying that I also have started to date, and everyone naturally assumes I mean a nice, normal, single, heterosexual man and I don't know how to amend that. "This is the Ram, and this is his wife, but don't worry, I'm dating her, too"?
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If they assume you are dating 1 guy... why do you need to correct it?

You've just started dating these people. It may or may not pan out. Nothing wrong with dating whoever you want when you are single. You don't have to leap into "going steady" right out of a divorce. Might even be better to play the field while getting to know yourself as a single person. It's your choice -- not anyone else's.

I think the only thing that will help some of them overcome their prejudice is just seeing us thrive and enjoy our arrangement, but I'd like to give them the best launching-off point possible to come to positive conclusions. Any advice?
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In your shoes I guess I would keep dating them and see if it is a runner or not.

If/when I wanted to introduce them to family... if they wig out about how it won't work? I could say "Actually, we've been dating X years, so it's been working fine for me." Let them deal with their stuff on their own.

In the end whether or not they choose to overcome their prejudice is not your job to be doing. It's their job.

You could just live your life as you want. Do only your jobs. You don't have to explain your husband's post divorce behavior. That's his deal. Not yours. You don't have to "fix" family members who have prejudices. That's their deal, not yours.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn said:
Annika, I remember you posted when you were pregnant. I reread your old threads. You mostly just posted an OP and didn't respond to advice.
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You ask for advice, Annika and I see so many previous thoughtful posts for you that clearly took a lot of time for the people contributing and not one response to what was offered to you - just a lot of bitching on your part, to put it bluntly. Venting can be productive in small doses, but unless you're going to work on your life, what's the incentive for anyone here to keep trying to support and help you? This is your fourth thread asking for advice that you do not seem to even be thinking about. Perhaps this forum is indeed helping you, but that's not apparent, judging from your history of participation here.
 
Hi AnnikaAtlas,

You're wondering about how and when to come out; I would suggest not coming out right now. You're dreading the inevitable judgment, and the thing about coming out is, you can't unring that bell. So, wait until you feel thoroughly ready. Read up and learn more about poly. Gain experience (this takes time). You have enough to worry about as it is with a newborn in your life, as well as many other things on your plate. Wait for things to settle down.

Then introduce your poly situation by telling people something like, "I am in a nonmonogamous relationship." Be ready to answer questions and address concerns.

I hope this post helps somewhat. Let me know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
FallenAngelina said:
You ask for advice, Annika and I see so many previous thoughtful posts for you that clearly took a lot of time for the people contributing and not one response to what was offered to you - just a lot of bitching on your part, to put it bluntly. Venting can be productive in small doses, but unless you're going to work on your life, what's the incentive for anyone here to keep trying to support and help you? This is your fourth thread asking for advice that you do not seem to even be thinking about. Perhaps this forum is indeed helping you, but that's not apparent, judging from your history of participation here.
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How spectacularly judgemental of you. My previous posts were at the end of January in 2016. I developed preeclampsia and spent every other day in the hospital getting ultrasounds and steroid shots. Then I got HELLP syndrome and my preemie was delivered by emergency c-section on February 9th, two months early. I spent a week in the hospital and he was in the nicu for three weeks. Sorry that between almost dying, visiting the hospital daily, learning to pump and getting to know my son that I didnt take the time to suck your dick for giving advice, that must have been so hard for you. You're right, this is definitely NOT the place for me.
 
Yet you found the energy to start four threads and not reply to a single response to you. Of course no one expects a reply from the OP to every post, but you replied to nobody and instead kept writing about your problems. We're all real people here with full lives and serious circumstances, too, yet most people will indicate that they are at least thinking about the thorough and well thought through responses that others have taken the time to create. Some people here have gone through cancer treatment. I, myself, deal with an autistic child every day. I'm sure that every single one of us has a situation or two beyond what's imaginable for most, yet the participants in this community find ways to indicate some appreciation for the time and interest of others. I didn't say that this isn't the place for you, I said, "Perhaps this forum is indeed helping you, but that's not apparent, judging from your history of participation here." Nobody expects a dick sucking, but even if you didn't have the energy to reflect on the many thoughts that were offered to you in your several threads, a thank you or two with a simple explanation of your distractions would have been just plain good manners.
 
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FWIW, Annika, I am in a very similar situation right now - i.e. newly separated after a 24 year marriage and dating both members of a *former* couple.

My husband and I have been living apart for a couple of years already and haven't been intimate for almost that long. However, we are not officially separated and hadn't told any members of our family or friends until very recently. Meanwhile we'd both been developing other serious relationships.

My estranged husband now has a girlfriend who lives in the same town as he does. Pretty clear cut. On the other hand, I have a LDR relationship with both J, my male lover, and B, my female lover. J and B used to be involved with each other, but are no longer physically intimate.

It has only been in recent weeks I've explained the details of this situation to my (ex?) husband AND grown children (in three separate conversations). Besides these people, not even my best friend yet knows the full extent of my relationship set-up.

It's not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed to talk honestly about it, so much as I believe it will shock some of my more conservative family members and friends and cause them to become concerned for my welfare and/or mental state (I have depression, anxiety and potentially Asperger's).

Non monogamy is all new to me and, to some extent, has caused me to question my own identity and reactions---:

- Does this mean I am bisexual now?
- Am I polyamorous by inclination?
- Why do I feel so jealous and insecure simply because my lovers used to be involved with each other, if they no longer are so?)
- Can I expect a multi-partner relationship to last long-term? And if so, what will the logistics look like since we are currently LD and looking to make this permanent IRL?

I guess *I* need to be clear in my own head re: the answers to each these questions before I can go shouting about my "bohemian" lifestyle to the world.

Reading about your situation, Annika, makes me think you also have a LOT of areas in which you need to gain clarity BEFORE you should even think of "coming out" to others in your life.

A lot depends on what kind of background you come from, and the kind of company you normally keep, aside from your lovers. If your "tribe" tends to be ultra-conservative, judgemental or emotionally abusive, I'd probably keep this sort of info to yourself, perhaps forever.

You might want to be in a longer-term, more secure position with this couple, before risking your relationships with family and friends - IF, for example, you may need to rely on them in the future for financial assistance or a place to stay.

Have you decided if/when/how much you want your child to find out, presuming this poly relationship lasts until she or he is old enough to ask and wonder about your relationship with her/his "co-parents"... once again, IF you three intend sharing parenting duties.
 
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