New and Confused

NatureLover

New member
Hello, I am new to poly and very confused and not really sure to handle all the emotions and everything else. So a little background. I started dating this woman about 4 years ago. I fell in love with her the second I saw her, i know it sounds cliché but its true. I knew at that second I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. She had been dating this other man before me for a short while ( i was dating as well nothing serious). They had split up and but remained friends. When we started dating she had told me about him. Everything between us was amazing so I had no reason to think he was anything more than a friend. After we had been together and living together for a while I had noticed she was texting him a lot. I didnt think much of it until, i happened to glance over and saw what they had been saying. Missyou, we should get together. I started to feel a little strange about it. I had asked her what was going on. Then we had the first of many conversations about it. I was told he was a friend and they had a connection that she couldnt let go of. Well over time they text more and more, and eventually saw each other. We had another conversation about it, this was was very emotional. She had said how much she loved me and wanted to be with me about also to be able to see him and try to be in a poly relationship. I didnt take it well as in some previous relationships I had been cheated on. Eventually I said okay, I wasnt really okay with it but I love her so I agreed. Over the next few weeks she went out with him on days that we would normally do stuff. ( We work and there is children in the picture so time is limited.) I started to feel left out and lonely and felt like she wanted more time with him than me. We had another intense talk both emotional. She decided to stop seeing him. She was sad for a little while but things seemed to get better bettween us. After about a more she was back to texting and talking to him agian, this time secretly. This situtaion went one for a few years. During this time I felt insecure depressed anxiety ridden knowing she kept talking to him after she promised she wouldnt.
A few months ago I had found out that they had had sex. She felt guilty and told me and promised it wouldnt happen again. Well a few months later she is talking to him. We had a very intense emotional conversation. She told me she needed to think. In that time and actually for over a year I had been thinking He is never going away. I thought about leaving but I couldnt and cant because of how much I love her. I have never felt this way about anyone, I would do anything for her even yes take a bullet. She knows how much I love her and how much I want to be with her. So after some long Hard thinking I have come to the decision that if I want to be with her I have to except that he isnt going anywhere and if I want to be with her I have to be okay with it. She told me that if I want to I could find someone as well.
So here I am. I dont know how any of this works. I know it isn't easy for men to find someone in Poly. I do have a lot of questions and concerns. Many how to deal with jealously and feeling left out, guilt of being with someone other than her. Where to begin??
Please help
 
Hello NatureLover,

It sounds like this woman is perfect for you in every way *except for this one little thing.* She is always going to love the other man, and that love is going to stab your relationship with her. You have decided to accept that relationship in order to save your own relationship with her. Welcome to poly ...

There are two books I would recommend to you:
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
Sex at Dawn explains how nonmonogamy fits into our society, even though it isn't accepted right now. Opening Up describes the different kinds of ethical nonmonogamy and how to make those work. Both books together give you a wide-ranging, well-balanced view of poly, both the theory and the practice. I recommend both.

I also encourage you to participate a lot on this forum, and raise any questions you have as they come up. Don't feel like you are being forced into something uncomfortable; be excited about the start of a journey into something that most people don't even know exists!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, never thought i would be in this situation. Also thank you for the suggestions on the books. I looked them up and ordered them. I am so glad I found this page. People have been very helpful so far. I intend to use it as much as I can. I know I have so many questions and will have more as time goes on
Yes she is the perfect woman for me, thats why I am willing to do what ever it takes to make our relationship work. I dont want to be miserable and end up hurting it to the point of no return. I have come to terms with it, although it took a long time. I just dont know where to start with everything.
 
Hi NatureLover,

You are getting the books; that is a good start; also you are committed to participating on this forum; I consider that another important part of the process. The process takes a while, so don't be discouraged if you don't start feeling better about poly right away. Just give yourself some time, to get used to it a little at a time.

Keep us posted as your situation evolves.
Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you two have been struggling so much over your gf's ability to love 2 men at once. It's too bad she felt she had to do it secretly. As polyamorists, we know it's actually normal and natural to love, or just desire, 2 at once. You see it in movies and on TV shows all the time, and it happens all the time in real life. Monogamy is actually not a natural state. If it was, no one would ever cheat, we wouldn't have porn, we wouldn't have romance movies or books, we would never notice an ad on TV that had a sexy person in it. (Everyone knows "sex sells.") There would never be divorce because once your found your soul mate, you would never want to leave them, ever, not once. But half of marriages end in divorce. And we all know it's not a good idea to marry the first person you fall in love with.

We are trained though, to hate that this happens, and think of our partner as our one and only, and to think of our jealousy as part of our love, and to believe that we basically own our partner and may control what they do with their body. This idea is especially focused on the man owning the woman, of course. This was the legal state until very recently in human history. The girl was owned by her father, the woman was owned by her husband. In some cultures, this is still the case.

Thanks to feminism, and things like reliable birth control, this is changing. Relationships are changing. It is touching that you love your gf so much that you are willing to accept that she loves both you and her ex h.

I know those books Kevin recommended will help you. I've read them and they are amazing. One is more of a "how to," and the other is a "why do we do this?"

Before they arrive, you might need some quick practical advice. http://practicalpolyamory.com/

Oh, and there's no need for you to jump right in and seek another partner. That might make things too complicated. You can be open to it, but you don't have to make it be a big project. Indeed, some people can have happy Vs, where the hinge (in this case, your gf) can have 2 bfs, but they are each content with just her as their gf. In poly culture, MFM Vs seem to be one of the most common and stable configurations.
 
Last edited:
... So after some long Hard thinking I have come to the decision that if I want to be with her I have to except that he isnt going anywhere and if I want to be with her I have to be okay with it. She told me that if I want to I could find someone as well.
So here I am. I dont know how any of this works. I know it isn't easy for men to find someone in Poly. I do have a lot of questions and concerns. Many how to deal with jealously and feeling left out, guilt of being with someone other than her. Where to begin??
Please help
Do you actually WANT to find someone for yourself though? It is possible to "be okay with it" without having to pull someone else into the mix. Including other people makes things more complicated - so, my advice is to not do it if you aren't excited about the the idea! Jealousy and guilt can be emotional responses to cultural conditioning - figuring out where they originate and examining if they apply to you may be helpful.
 
Back
Top