New and Confused

[realtimeeyes]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum and to polyamory so I could use some advice from those with knowledge and experience.

My wife and I have been married 15 years. We have been discussing poly for a few years. Originally, I didn't do enough research and didn't truly understand all the dynamics.

We got to a good place in our marriage and had overcome some mental health issues so we began to explore. And here's where it's a little complicated. Initially, I only wanted a triad; however, it's not for the reason that most people would assume.

I prefer very close bonds and deep intimacy, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with my wife sharing deep intimacy in a solo-style poly relationship. She is 36, mature and confident in herself to emotionally regulate. But because we met when she was 18, she has had little to no LT relationship experience, nor has she slept with anyone else. Therefore, it's hard for me to feel confident in her ability to regulate all the new emotions and feelings that would be associated with another sexual relationship.

She wants me to trust her and blindly have faith in her, but it's very hard for me. I know I'm bordering on being controlling, but I'd like to see her interactions in new situations to feel confident in her ability to regulate herself.

Am I totally off base here? Should I just give her the respect and trust she asks for?

Also, we have a 10 year age gap, and I have RA. That makes finding a triad partner even more challenging and limits her options. I have suggested a male or female relationship in a triad situation and said that I don't have to be sexually active with the other partner, to lessen the limitations due to our age and health differences. I just want to share a nice bond with our partner; it doesn't have to be sexual.

Lastly, our lifestyle has created a bad co-dependency on my part and I know that is probably an issue and could be the root of some of my thoughts.

Here is where our problems became major. She has always given subtle hints about solo poly, but unfortunately she wasn't clear and I didn't hear her. She had been talking to people and had met a guy who was a candidate for a triad. But she was also talking to a few straight guys that weren't into a triad or bi-sexual.

I questioned her about this and she said it was just fun. Then, she talked about possibly meeting the straight guy and I questioned her intentions. She never discussed it again until the day of the date. I was uneasy. However, trying to be open and flexible, I agreed to the date and gave her some boundaries to follow.

She really liked the guy and had a great date, but then proclaimed to me with certainty that she was poly and wanted solo relationships too. Because of her lack of communication, I was caught off guard and was against it. I'm agitated by her misleading me about her date, and because she didn't communicate that with me. However, she knew by my past reactions that I'd say no. She was scared to tell me and I understand that.

In her mind, she could give me what I wanted and thought I'd be able to give her what she needed eventually.

We started the discussion and it didn't go well. I'm alarmed at how this one date can suddenly be the catalyst to her wanting to be solo-poly. Obviously, she had these thoughts, but I didn't know that, so that's how the situation appeared to me.

I felt a little betrayed and asked her to end her new relationship so we could come back to the table with a clean slate and begin working on her desires.

I know I have some insecurities, so it will take some work, but a clean slate would give me the security to be confident in her ability to walk away from a potentially damaging relationship and keep the marriage as a priority. I do have some insecurities and I need to feel as if our marriage is the priority and that she could walk away if one of her relationships was jeopardizing our marriage.

She feels I shouldn't need assurances, and she is right, in most respects. However, she became very defiant and emotional when she agreed to end the new relationship. She guilted me and pressured me a few times into giving in and adjusting on the fly. Then I would guilt her. It was a nightmare. She would relent, then guilt me again, so I'd give in to her desires.

Then we agreed on just a friendship. She asked for two weeks of fantasy, so we agreed. In her excitement she used some poor judgment and was too involved in her conversations when she was supposed to be spending time with me.

Now this guy has become a symbol of her freedom to explore, but a very contentious topic for me. I'm stuck on: how can I trust you? How can I trust your ability to regulate when you can't walk away from this guy? And she is stuck on me trusting her and not being possessive and insecure.

Thanks in advance for any advice and feedback; it's greatly appreciated.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

however, It's not for the reason that most people assume. I prefer very close bonds and deep intimacy but I'm still a little uncomfortable with my wife sharing deep intimacy in a solo-style poly relationship.

This is why I assume people want a triad for the most part. I don't know about others.

But because we met when she was 18, she has little to no LT relationship experience nor has she slept with anyone else. Therefore, It's hard for me to feel confident in her ability to regulate all the new emotions and feelings that will be associated with another sexual relationship.

That's an extremely condescending way to treat her. Are you a lot older?

She want's me to trust her and blindly have faith in her but it's very hard for me. I know I'm bordering on control but I'd like to see her interactions in new situations to feel confident in her ability to regulate.

I can only think this must be based on the fact you feel her decision to pair with you wasn't a wise one? If it was, so far her people picker would 100% excellent, right? She picked one guy, you, and presumably you think you're a stand up guy, so she's great at this partner picking business!

Am I totally off base here? Should I just give her the respect and the trust she asks for?

Yes and Yes.

Also, we have a 10 year age gap

So you were 28 and got with an 18 year old? I can see your concern. She may have changed from that young girl enamored by an older guy.

and I don't have to be sexually active with the other partner

Okay so what you're looking for is actually a vee, not a triad.

That should broaden her options indeed, but it won't make any difference if you insist on being a big part of her relationship with another person.

I just want to share a nice bond with our partner; it doesn't have to be sexual.

So it will be her partner. And your metamour. Read about metamours and the different types of relationships you can have with them.

know that is probably an issue and could be the root of some of my thoughts.

I can imagine it might be.

gave her some boundaries to follow.

You can't give someone else "boundaries to follow". You can give them rules to abide by because you feel in a position to administer them. It all feels very paternalistic again.

I'm alarmed at how this one date can suddenly be the catalyst to her wanting to be solo-poly.

I doubt it was. I think she has been scared to tell you she wants separate relationships or even no relationship with you for some time. You don't seen to encourage an environment where other people's needs are seen as valid as yours.

know I have some insecurities so it will take some work but a clean slate would give me the security to be confident in her ability to walk away from a potential damaging relationship and keep the marriage as a priority.

I think you need to work on your problems alone. I honestly believe that these issues aren't isolated just to polyamory and it will be a prevailing problem in your relationship where you treat her like a child.



My very honest advice is that you do your best to give her physical and emotional space while you work on some of your personal issues. That means letting her live her life while you do that. I think in time, after you've given her this space and worked on yourself, you can see about how she would feel continuing a marriage/relationship with you.

I think you've underestimated the power you've held over her all this time and now she's approaching 30, she's desperately trying to break free of that hold. She's not a child and you're not her parent. It was back when she was 18 that she needed someone to step in and control who she was dating if ever.

I think you need to let go. For her sake.

Hi, I'm new to the forum and to polyamory so I could use some advice from those with knowledge and experience.

My wife and I have been married 15 years and we have been discussing poly for a few years. Originally, I didn't do enough research and didn't truly understand all the dynamics. We got to a good place in our marriage and had overcome some mental health issues so we began to explore. And here's where it's a little complicated. Initially, I only wanted a triad; however, It's not for the reason that most people assume. I prefer very close bonds and deep intimacy but I'm still a little uncomfortable with my wife sharing deep intimacy in a solo-style poly relationship. She is 36, mature and confident in herself to emotionally regulate. But because we met when she was 18, she has little to no LT relationship experience nor has she slept with anyone else. Therefore, It's hard for me to feel confident in her ability to regulate all the new emotions and feelings that will be associated with another sexual relationship. She want's me to trust her and blindly have faith in her but it's very hard for me. I know I'm bordering on control but I'd like to see her interactions in new situations to feel confident in her ability to regulate. Am I totally off base here? Should I just give her the respect and the trust she asks for? Also, we have a 10 year age gap and I have RA. That makes finding a triad partner even more challenging and limits her options. I have suggested a male or female relationship in a triad situation and I don't have to be sexually active with the other partner so lessen the limitations due to our age and health differences. I just want to share a nice bond with our partner; it doesn't have to be sexual. Lastly, our lifestyle has created a bad co-dependency on my part and I know that is probably an issue and could be the root of some of my thoughts.

Here is where our problems became major. She has always gave subtle hints about solo but unfortunately she wasn't clear and I didn't hear her. She had been talking to people and had met a guy who was a candidate for a triad..But she was also talking to a few straight guys that didn't weren't into a triad or bi-sexual. I questioned her about it and she said it was just fun. Then, she talked about possibly meeting the straight guy and I questioned her intentions. She never discussed it again until the day of the date and I was uneasy; however, trying to be open and flexible, I agreed to the date and gave her some boundaries to follow. She really liked the guy and had a great date; but then proclaimed to me with certainty that she was poly and she wants solo relationships too. Because of the lack of her communication, I was caught of guard and was against it. I'm agitated by her misleading me about her date. And because she didn't communicate that with me; however, she knew by my past reactions that I'd say no. She was scared to tell me and I understand that; in her mind, she could give me what I wanted and eventually, I'd be able to give her her needs. So then, we start the discussion and it doesn't go well. I'm alarmed at how this one date can suddenly be the catalyst to her wanting to be solo-poly. Obviously, she had these thoughts but I didn't know so that's how the situation appeared to me. I felt a little betrayed and asked her to end her new relationship so we can come back to the table with a clean slate and begin working on her desires. I know I have some insecurities so it will take some work but a clean slate would give me the security to be confident in her ability to walk away from a potential damaging relationship and keep the marriage as a priority. I do have some insecurities and I need to feel as if our marriage is the priority and she can walk away if one of her relationships is jeopardizing our marriage. She feels I shouldn't need assurances and she is right in most respects. However, she became very defiant and emotional when she agreed to end the relationship. She guilted me and pressured me a few times into giving in and adjusting on the fly. Then, I would guilt her and it was a nightmare. She would relent then guilt me again so I'd give in to her desires. Then, we agreed on just a friendship; she asked for two weeks of fantasy so we agreed. In her excitement she used some poor judgment and was too involved in her conversations when she was supposed to be spending time with me. Now this guy has become a symbol of her freedom to explore but a very contentious topic for me. I'm stuck on; how can I trust you and how can I trust your ability to regulate when you can't walk away from this guy. And she is stuck on me trusting her and not being possessive and insecure.

Thanks in advance for any advice and feedback; it's greatly appreciated.

 

[realtimeeyes]

Thank you for your reply..And I appreciate the honesty. Everything you said had some truth and I know I have some growing to do..We are actually taking a break and working on ourselves. I do love her and want to be a better man so I can give her what she needs. I came here to learn and improve my emotional skills. And I have let her know that if and when we attempt poly again, it will be open to solo-poly as well; I do see the selfishness in my request.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

She is 36, mature and confident in herself to emotionally regulate. But because we met when she was 18, she has little to no LT relationship experience nor has she slept with anyone else.

Aren't YOU a long term relationship experience? Is this more about you dealing with your feelings about her sharing sex and love with someone else?

I know I'm bordering on control but I'd like to see her interactions in new situations to feel confident in her ability to regulate. Am I totally off base here?

What do you think she's gonna do? First date with a new person and share sex that same day? Can't it be coffee or lunch date and maybe handshake or hug bye. Then she gets to see if there's even any sparks there? And you get to see her handle herself fine? And see how you handle YOURSELF not tagging along, doing your own thing, self soothing?

Like... a series of small openings at the shallow end of the pool?

so then, we start the discussion and it doesn't go well. I'm alarmed at how this one date can suddenly be the catalyst to her wanting to be solo-poly. Obviously, she had these thoughts but I didn't know so that's how the situation appeared to me.

Sounds like that kinda already happened... but she wasn't as up front as she could have been about wanting to date separately.

I'm agitated by her misleading me about her date. And because she didn't communicate that with me; however, she knew by my past reactions that I'd say no. She was scared to tell me and I understand that; in her mind, she could give me what I wanted and eventually, I'd be able to give her her needs.

Do you often wig out when you hear bad news as a codependent? Is that why she wasn't more forthright?

If its that you want triad because she's your security blanket person and you want to be in the mix somewhere, have a fear of missing out, being replaced, or some other issue?

Maybe you need to do some personal work and address these things ahead of time rather than opening up at this time?

And maybe you two need couple counseling first?

Call that one date a good enough opening for now, then retreat and reflect. There isn't big attachments after just one date.

Why do you call her wanting to date separate a "threat to the marriage?"

I am concerned if you two do NOT become healthy people? Like you are codependent and she's "too nice" to call you on it when you step on her toes?

It's just gonna be you two making mess and then other people mixed up in couple weird. They don't need that. Neither do you.

Should I just give her the respect and the trust she asks for?

What has she done in her behaviors so you do not respect her and do not trust her?

Also, we have a 10 year age gap and I have RA. That makes finding a triad partner even more challenging and limits her options.

So don't do triads.

I have suggested a male or female relationship in a triad situation and I don't have to be sexually active with the other partner so lessen the limitations due to our age and health differences.

So... like a poly V and you want to be friends with your meta?

Or you are looking to watch them share sex? What exactly IS this?

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. Neither is dating the same person.

What if the meta only wants to be "basic polite" if they happen to bump into you. They don't want to be pals or hang out? Or... never want to meet? Then what?

Can you deal with dating separately and this being very parallel poly?

Lastly, our lifestyle has created a bad co-dependency on my part and I know that is probably an issue and could be the root of some of my thoughts.

I think you will need to resolve codependency issues BEFORE opening up.

You might need more than basic detangling.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

Do you have a therapist? Attend CODA meetings?

Find A Meeting - CoDA.org

coda.org

Because if this has been unhealthy like you leaning on her all the time? Her letting you because she met you young?

And now she wants to quit the codependent thing? Her moving towards something healthier, even if she doesn't date anyone else? Might feel like abandonment and really painful for you.

You could read things like "polysecure" but really you'd have to deal with the codependency thing on its own FIRST.

You want to be healthy in yourself before starting new stuff, right? Cuz you want healthy poly, right? Not weird, wonky poly.

Or even if you decide that this is not for you and you both return to monogamy... it's going to be healthy monogamy, right? Not codependent monogamy?

She guilted me and pressured me a few times into giving in and adjusting on the fly. Then, I would guilt her and it was a nightmare. She would relent then guilt me again so I'd give in to her desires. Then, we agreed on just a friendship; she asked for two weeks of fantasy so we agreed. In her excitement she used some poor judgment and was too involved in her conversations when she was supposed to be spending time with me. Now this guy has become a symbol of her freedom to explore but a very contentious topic for me. I'm stuck on; how can I trust you and how can I trust your ability to regulate when you can't walk away from this guy. And she is stuck on me trusting her and not being possessive and insecure.

Sigh.

I will be frank. This is a weird dynamic you two have.

I get it is not comfortable but just give the two weeks since you agreed.

BE OK BEING UNCOMFORTABLE because it's just 14 days. If you have the time and the funds -- go take a vacation on your own if you want for all or part of it so you catch a break and it is not in your face. Use the time to search and set up counseling because you see already this first opening was bungly and triggered a lot of stuff.

You will pretty much have your answer in 14 days -- if she keeps her word and lets it go. Time's gonna pass anyway.

And she can't complain you you didn't give her space and trusted to her to KEEP her agreement.

You ARE sounding a bit possessive and insecure. Which is why I think you could deal with things in order. After this 2 week opening is over? Put the poly idea back on the shelf until you both are doing better and actually address this codependent thing. Consider individual counseling and couple counseling.

Before trying another opening. Be intentional. Take care of your healths.

Galagirl

 

[realtimeeyes]

Welcome.



Aren't YOU a long term relationship experience? Is this more about you dealing with your feelings about her sharing sex and love with someone else?



What do you think she's gonna do? First date with a new person and share sex that same day? Can't it be coffee or lunch date and maybe handshake or hug bye. Then she gets to see if there's even any sparks there? And you get to see her handle herself fine? And see how you handle YOURSELF not tagging alone, doing your own thing?

Like... a series of openings?



Sounds like that kinda already happened... but she wasn't as up front as she could have been about wanting to date separately.


Do you often wig out when you hear bad news as a codependent? Is that why she wasn't more forthright?

If its that you want triad because she's your security blanket person and you want to be in the mix somewhere, have a fear of missing out, being replaced, or some other issue?

Maybe you need to do some personal work and address these things ahead of time rather than opening up at this time?

And maybe you two need couple counseling first?

Call that one date a good enough opening for now, then retreat and reflect. There isn't big attachments after just one date.

Why do you call her wanting to date separate a "threat to the marriage?"

I am concerned if you two do NOT become healthy people? Like you are codependent and she's "too nice" to call you on it when you step on her toes?

It's just gonna you two making mess and then other people mixed up in couple weird. They don't need that. Neither do you.



What has she done in her behaviors so you do not respect her and do not trust her?



So don't do triads.




So... like a poly V and you want to be friends with your meta?

Or you are looking to watch them share sex? What exactly IS this?

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. Neither is dating the same person.

What if the meta only wants to be "basic polite" if they happen to bump into you. They don't want to be pals or hang out? Or... never want to meet? Then what?

Can you deal with dating separately and this being very parallel poly?



I think you will need to resolve codependency issues BEFORE opening up.

You might need more than basic detangling.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

Do you have a therapist? Attend CODA meetings?

Find A Meeting - CoDA.org

coda.org

Because if this has been unhealthy like you leaning on her all the time? Her letting you because she met you young?

And now she wants to quit the codependent thing? Her moving towards something healthier, even if she doesn't date anyone else? Might feel like abandonment and really painful for you.

You could read things like "polysecure" but really you'd have to deal with the codependency thing on its own FIRST.

You want to be healthy in yourself before starting new stuff, right? Or even if you decide that this is not for you and you both return to monogamy... it's going to be healthy monogamy right? Not copendent monogamy?

I think you could deal with things in order and put the poly idea back on the shelf until you both are doing better. Consider a counselor.

Galagirl

Thank you for the advice and the links..I know I'm not ready but I want to learn and see if it's something for me. If not, she has to make a decision. I do have a lot of personal and emotional growth to do and that's my current focus.

 

[GalaGirl]

One can learn about things without "jumping in blind."

We are actually taking a break and working on ourselves.

I don't know what that means in this situation. Could you please be willing to clarify?

It is a time out to regain cooler heads? Cuz all this arguing?

Like both agreed to take a break from this poly thing and work on personal issues first before trying again to poly?

It is a trial separation?

Something else?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello realtimeeyes,

I take it you want your wife to walk away from this other guy primarily as token or proof that her first loyalties lie with you. Whereas she thinks she shows you that in other ways, and she doesn't think she should have to walk away from this other guy.

She has not shown you that you can trust her; she has snuck solo poly in through the back door. I can see why you have some reservations. In her defense I would point out that she probably knew that if she had asked you, you would have said, "No."

You definitely need to work on the trust between the two of you. You need to learn to trust her to regulate her emotions. She needs to learn to trust you to handle bad news with grace and compassion. Right now it sounds like you guys just end up having fights.

I pretty much agree with all that has been said in this thread so far.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[realtimeeyes]

Hello realtimeeyes,

I take it you want your wife to walk away from this other guy primarily as token or proof that her first loyalties lie with you. Whereas she thinks she shows you that in other ways, and she doesn't think she should have to walk away from this other guy.

She has not shown you that you can trust her; she has snuck solo poly in through the back door. I can see why you have some reservations. In her defense I would point out that she probably knew that if she had asked you, you would have said, "No."

You definitely need to work on the trust between the two of you. You need to learn to trust her to regulate her emotions. She needs to learn to trust you to handle bad news with grace and compassion. Right now it sounds like you guys just end up having fights.

I pretty much agree with all that has been said in this thread so far.
Regards,
Kevin T.

She did know I'd say no so I do give her grace on that situation. This thread has been very helpful so far; I appreciate all the input. And I'm not bitter about the blunt honesty. I needed other's point of view to help expose my issues with the current situation.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad you've taken our feedback in the spirit intended. Hopefully you and your wife will be able to work things out, as you both work on your individual issues.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum and to polyamory so I could use some advice from those with knowledge and experience.

Welcome to the board.

My wife and I have been married 15 years. We have been discussing poly for a few years. Originally, I didn't do enough research and didn't truly understand all the dynamics.

We got to a good place in our marriage and had overcome some mental health issues so we began to explore. And here's where it's a little complicated. Initially, I only wanted a triad; however, it's not for the reason that most people would assume.

What do "most people" assume triads are for? Maybe like in the mass media, you think "most people" want triads because the man wants a sexual threesome arrangement, and the woman of the couple wants to "explore her bi side." So they're in hunt of a "hot bi babe" unicorn.

Sadly, we do get a lot of couples here who think polyamory means a MFM triad where everyone is involved sexually with everyone else. But surprise! Most polyamorists do not have triads and do not do group sex. (Maybe they've experimented with them, like a lot of people, but it's not a given.)

I prefer very close bonds and deep intimacy, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with my wife sharing deep intimacy in a solo-style poly relationship. She is 36, mature and confident in herself to emotionally regulate. But because we met when she was 18, she has had little to no LT relationship experience, nor has she slept with anyone else. Therefore, it's hard for me to feel confident in her ability to regulate all the new emotions and feelings that would be associated with another sexual relationship.

Or maybe you like having been her only sex partner ever, and really deep down inside, would prefer that continue. I assume you'd had other partners before you took this teenager under your wing, so you're quite sure of your own ability to regulate your emotions in new relationships?

She wants me to trust her and blindly have faith in her, but it's very hard for me. I know I'm bordering on being controlling, but I'd like to see her interactions in new situations to feel confident in her ability to regulate herself.

Am I totally off base here? Should I just give her the respect and trust she asks for?

Yes, you're off base. What you're talking about is the infatuation phase. It's called "new relationship energy" (NRE) in poly circles. It is an emotional hormonal state, but the only way to regulate it is to research it, and then practice the skills when you undergo it. You have to actually do something to get good at it.

Also, we have a 10 year age gap, and I have RA.

Rheumatoid arthritis? My sympathies.

That makes finding a triad partner even more challenging and limits her options. I have suggested a male or female relationship in a triad situation and said that I don't have to be sexually active with the other partner, to lessen the limitations due to our age and health differences. I just want to share a nice bond with our partner; it doesn't have to be sexual.

But what you say below makes me think you'd prefer she pick a bi guy, so you can get something something out of it. Am I right? Are you bisexual? Do you want to be poly to get into an intimate relationship with a guy, yourself? You can do that on your own; you don't need to glom onto your wife's bf(s).

Lastly, our lifestyle has created a bad co-dependency on my part and I know that is probably an issue and could be the root of some of my thoughts.

OK, if you know you have BAD codependency issues, step away from poly, lol. What is this "lifestyle" that has caused you to be badly codependent?

Here is where our problems became major. She has always given subtle hints about solo poly, but unfortunately she wasn't clear and I didn't hear her. She had been talking to people and had met a guy who was a candidate for a triad. But she was also talking to a few straight guys that weren't into a triad or bi-sexual.

I questioned her about this and she said it was just fun. Then, she talked about possibly meeting the straight guy and I questioned her intentions. She never discussed it again until the day of the date. I was uneasy. However, trying to be open and flexible, I agreed to the date and gave her some boundaries to follow.

She really liked the guy and had a great date, but then proclaimed to me with certainty that she was poly and wanted solo relationships too. Because of her lack of communication, I was caught off guard and was against it. I was agitated by her misleading me about her date, and because she didn't communicate that with me. However, she knew by my past reactions that I'd say no. She was scared to tell me and I understand that.

So it's not "her" lack of communication. It's under-par communication skills on both your parts. I am glad you see she doesn't feel safe sharing her "difficult" emotions and thoughts with you. (I had the same problem with my ex husband. Maybe a lot of wives do. Men aren't usually well-trained in dealing with their own emotions, much less helping others deal with THEIR emotions.)

In her mind, she could give me what I wanted and thought I'd be able to give her what she needed eventually.

We started the discussion and it didn't go well. I'm alarmed at how this one date can suddenly be the catalyst to her wanting to be solo-poly. Obviously, she had these thoughts, but I didn't know that, so that's how the situation appeared to me.

I felt a little betrayed and asked her to end her new relationship so we could come back to the table with a clean slate and begin working on her desires.

I know I have some insecurities, so it will take some work, but a clean slate would give me the security to be confident in her ability to walk away from a potentially damaging relationship and keep the marriage as a priority. I do have some insecurities and I need to feel as if our marriage is the priority and that she could walk away if one of her relationships was jeopardizing our marriage.

She feels I shouldn't need assurances, and she is right, in most respects. However, she became very defiant and emotional when she agreed to end the new relationship. She guilted me and pressured me a few times into giving in and adjusting on the fly. Then I would guilt her. It was a nightmare. She would relent, then guilt me again, so I'd give in to her desires.

Then we agreed on just a friendship. She asked for two weeks of fantasy,

What do you mean by two weeks of fantasy? I have no idea.

so we agreed. In her excitement she used some poor judgment and was too involved in her conversations when she was supposed to be spending time with me.

You mean she spent time on the phone with New Guy when you two had planned a date of quality time for the two of you? One poly skill is to give each partner quality time, focused on them. It needs to be planned. A long term partner can't just assume all the other person's free time is theirs.

Now this guy has become a symbol of her freedom to explore, but a very contentious topic for me. I'm stuck on: how can I trust you? How can I trust your ability to regulate when you can't walk away from this guy? And she is stuck on me trusting her and not being possessive and insecure.

Thanks in advance for any advice and feedback; it's greatly appreciated.