New and Confused

B

babydoll

New member
Hello. I am a married 40 year old female. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 12 of those years. My husband has always brought up having another person in our marriage. He tried all different approaches throughout the years and I didn't think he was being serious so I just always laughed it off. I thought about it a bit but didn't know how it would work or how to go about finding someone so, again, I just brushed it off. I have had thoughts/fantasies of being with a woman but wasn't sure what to do with those feelings so I just ignored them. My husband did pick up on the fact that whenever we watched porn, I seemed to be more into girl on girl.
I'm not sure how much of my story I want to share on here yet so to make a long, complicated story short, we now have a girlfriend. We have been in a relationship since May. At the end of August, her and her 2 sons moved in with us and our children. It was a big move for them as they uprooted their lives. And it was a big change in our lives as we are a quiet family. I am involved in some community groups but we just hung out at home most evenings and weekends. Since starting this relationship our lives have become a bit more chaotic and dramatic. Between May and September, we were going to visit her at her house 2 and a half hours away for a one night sleepover. And then whenever we could, we arranged to see each other every weekend. I am constantly having feelings of jealousy-that is why I joined this forum. I am trying to find answers and help to how I am feeling. My husband and my girlfriend have both thought about this kind of relationship. They understand it a bit more. We are working together to find our own groove and find what works for our relationship best. It is hard as I feel like I am the one that constantly having issues. I enjoy being with a woman, sexually. My issues are when my husband and girlfriend are alone. I feel this energy and passion between them that I can't even describe. It is strong and something that my husband and I have never had. We love each other and since May, our relationship has changed for the better in so many ways. I feel closer to him than I ever have. I am just struggling with this lifestyle. My feelings are causing so much confusion and hurt. I'm not sure what to do from here. We communicate a lot but I do tend to just hold my feelings in, try to work through or past them and that results in me bringing everyone in the relationship down with my moods. I have been on the More Than Two website. I have read a lot on this forum. I read the words and understand the words but my feelings have issues understanding it! Lol. My husband and girlfriend have been so patient and understanding. My husband has reassured me constantly that he has no intentions of leaving me. That he would never let anyone or anything come between what we have. I believe him, sort of. I feel like if I don't believe him or trust him, then why am I here? I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice here or not. I know this has been very long winded. Is there anyone in a similar situation that has some words of wisdom for me? I am at a loss.....i am trying to make this work but I just feel so defeated at times.
 
Hello,
sorry for your struggles. I feel like I am not the one to give advice on this situation, for I am neither experienced in running poly smoothly, nor parrent, not been there.

But wow you took it fast. Moving in with someone and uprooting a family after 4 months relationship? That is not enough time for new relationship energy to fade away, and definitelly not enough time to get used to poly and free yourself of monogamous mindsets.
However, you made a decission. You probably want to stick through. I think your issues may settle down a bit with just time passing. Of course it is appropriate to help them with any kind of personal work, perhaps therapy.

I also think, that it might do some good not to be as close to your metamour as you are just now. I don't mean not having sex - I mean maintainig personal space. Jelousy might be interwined with feeling your private space invaded. Also, if there is more privacy, your husband and her need not show you all of their passion, until after you are much more comfortable with the situation.
 
I have to agree with the moving fast point. It usually takes 6 months to a year for "new relationship energy" (i.e. the "honeymoon phase") to wear off.

I have to wonder how much of the move was with deliberate intent because everyone wanted it, or were there mitigating circumstances that rushed the situation? I've seen soooo many examples of people who moved in because of financial issues or other conveniences, and it just never works out well. Especially when kids are involved.

As for the passion part, I can relate. My husband and I have always had a very companionable relationship. We were basically an old married couple from the get-go. He's more of the "passionate about his work" type, and I'm just not a passionate person, about anything. I go through stints of getting really excited over certain topics, then I learn all I can from them and get bored and move on. I've sometimes envied people who have passion, but I've also noticed that passionate people also feel a lot of pain when their passions turn sideways, so I don't really mind in the long run. I'm content and that's what matters to me.

I know you didn't but if you had asked for advice, I would have suggested moving the families back apart. It's hard enough to deal with difficult emotions when you have a safe space to escape the situation. When something is always in your face, you're in constant survival mode and there's no space for real introspection.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

How long have you been together? I am confused on the time line.

You met the GF in May 2015, and then she moved in with her kids in August 2015? That's really fast.

Even if you meant May 2014, and move in August 2105 -- that's still really fast. NRE can last 6-24 months. I wouldn't make life changing decisions in that time frame.

Could you live apart? Slow it down? Does poly hell apply here? Or living together issues?

Galagirl
 
I have read all your replies and thank you. I have been trying to think about how to respond but am struggling to find the right words-i tend to get too wordy at times! So I will just answer the best I can and if you have more questions for me then ask away!
The time frame of this relationship is May 2015 was when we started and the end of August 2015 is when they moved in with us. Earlier on I thought about the NRE. It was great. I wondered what would happen when we came off that high. Well, living together has kind of done that in my eyes. When my husband and I had this discussion, he asked me 'why can't our time with her be just as special having her here as when we went to see her'? I wasn't sure how to answer him, all I knew was that it had changed. Looking into poly hell and living together, I would have to say some of the past 3 months have been more like poly hell for me. But not for the other 2. They want to help me. I want to help me. I don't see giving up on this as an option. I want to give it an honest try. And things are slowly getting better. But there are still issues.
I hope that answers most of your questions, please ask anything else you can think of and I will answer them.
 
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Babydoll, can you pinpoint what's causing the jealousy? Is it just when they're alone together sexually? Or, any time they're alone? Do you get sufficient alone time with each? And on the jealousy, can you break the feelings down more specifically? Like is it fear that your husband likes her better than you? Fear that you're missing out? Fear that he'll leave you? Anger? Something else?

Breaking down the feelings behind the jealousy helps me work through it easier because I can work on one feeling at a time. Also, when I was in a triad with Blue and our ex girlfriend, Snow, if I didn't have adequate alone time with each, to connect one on one, I felt out of balance and was more likely to feel jealous and insecure. Also, I agree with the others that it sounds like you've moved too fast. ...if living separately isn't possible, maybe it would help if you had some date nights with each separately? (And one for the two of them, too? ) Or, maybe regular "family meetings", the three of you, to discuss where you are, how you feel, and what your individual and joint goals are? Last thing is, have you considered family counseling?
 
Sorry for questions that I missed answering in my last post... I do feel better for venting. The 3 of us have been together since May. My husband and girlfriend have been together since February. As for all of you asking, no, I do not see us living apart as an option. She moved here to see if this relationship could work out. This summer, driving between our places every week was so tiring on everyone. I also thought that maybe if she was here, it might help some of the jealousy issues. She was supposed to get her own place but she it wasn't feasible at the time so I was asked if they could move in and I said it would be ok. It was also supposed to be temporary but for as crowded as I feel at times, I prefer her here. It is nice having a third adult in the house to help out. The issue is that we went from 2 of us in our bed and house to the 3 of us, what seems like ALL the time! My husband and I get moments here and there but it isn't enough for me. Tinwen, I thank you for pointing out that I haven't had enough time to free myself from the monogamous mindsets. Before they moved in, I had said that I wanted her to have her own room so that we could have breaks from each other and she could have a place to sleep some nights out of the week. Well, until a couple of weeks ago, she has slept every night in our bed, except for a couple where either she wasn't here or we weren't. I never asked her to sleep in her own room because I was scared of what would happen....would my husband rather spend the night with her? Would I regret asking her? Would she be upset with me for asking? Also, I didn't really feel like I should have to ask, but apparently I did. There have been a couple of nights now that she has slept in her room and it was nice to be able to have that time back with my husband. Neither one of them seem to have an issue with us all being together all the time. It has just been so overwhelming for me.
We have talked a lot since this relationship has begun, but it was always focusing on how I was doing and feeling because I was the one that was having the issues. We finally had a talk a few weeks ago and it was agreed that everyone needs to share. Our girlfriend has her own issues that we want to be there and support her on but she is a VERY independent person and doesn't ask for help easily-she is always the one that everyone comes to but that no one is truly there for her. We want her to know that we are here for her, she just needs to vocalize her feelings more. So since then, things have been getting better. I still have that jealousy. I have tried to pinpoint it. Everything you asked about my jealousy PinkPig, the answers are yes...I feel jealousy with all those situations. I have read on the More Than Two website. And I also found something online on how to deal with jealousy and it gets you to get to the root causes of the jealousy. I went through it. I have talked to my husband and girlfriend about what makes me jealous. Something that I read said that you have to face your jealousy just like you would your fears. I have tried that and it has kind of worked. My biggest thing is them being alone together. I am ok with some scenarios but not all. We have been talking at least once a week about where we all are with our feelings and how things are going. This seems to help. Family counselling has not been discussed.
Well that is all for tonight. :)
 
Sounds like you could all be more vocal. But you are trying to get there. So hang in there.

(Also, if you are willing, some space in between paragraphs could help readability.)

GL!
Galagirl
 
Hi babydoll,

I am thinking lots of communication is needed here, the three of you should probably get in the habit of sitting down to talk once a week. You should be more vocal about your wants and needs. If you want/need more alone time with your husband, tell them so.

In case it would help here's some links I know of for helping with jealousy:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Also there is a book you can get, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.

And if you'll continue to update us on how things are going for you, we can probably think of some more advice.

Hang in there!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You will have a much better chance at developing your relationships with her if she isn't living with you. You barely know her! Why do people think that poly arrangements always have to mean that everyone is living together at three months in? Common sense would tell you otherwise. Common sense, common sense!!!

Did you and your husband start living together after only knowing each other for three months? Does she have access to your bank accounts as well? Is she paying rent or do you and your husband cover that for her? Do you see how it makes no sense to move a stranger in with you just because there is fucking going on?!?! Living with other people is hard enough when there is no romantic relationship; living with someone that you are trying to create a romantic relationship with, before you even know them for at least a year, is simply an invitation to disaster. We've seen many stories here of couples who were burned by women who got involved sexually with them just because they needed a place to stay.

If you want it to work among all three of you, have her and her kids move out into a separate place of residence and each of you date her separately, get to know her, slowly, like dating usually is.

You've put yourself in a ridiculous situation, so now you have to turn your brains back on and get out of it!
 
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