New and Figuring things out

Faerum

New member
Hello all, I'm looking for advice that I'll make sure to search the forums for, but figured I'd at least post an introduction.
Age: 25
Sex: Male
H/W: 6/180
Status: Married
State: Virginia
Occupation: I.T.

I recently moved to Virginia from Alaska right when Covid started and I've been lacking any sort of friendship since I work remote. My wife and I just got a house and are working on ourselves physically(COVID weight). We both want to socialize more and find more friends, we've been looking around on apps like meetup, bumble bff, just going out to breweries and talking to people, etc.

I want something "open-ish" where we have fwb's together ,I've always wanted to try and am open to it.
I've talked to my wife a few times about 3-somes and couples but she only seems to be open to having another woman join us as a 3rd (Strictly sexual) While this is great I'm not really looking for one-night flings as that wouldn't mean anything to me.

I'm struggling to figure out if it's worth it to open our relationship at all or if I'm making a mistake by even asking. I'm sure this is probably one of the best places to express feelings like this and I'm looking forward to talking to people on here and reading other peoples struggles.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi, welcome to polyamory and the board! You'll find a wealth of information here.

Right now, you 2 would be classified as seeking an open relationship, but are not necessarily on the same page about polyamory. Your wife wants to get a casual sex-only 3way sex thing. You want a complete relationship with emotional involvement. So it sounds like at this point you want 2 different things.

You don't need to seek group sex to be polyamorous. In fact, most poly folk do not (often) have 3somes, 4somes or larger group sex. That would be more in the swinger category...

I would strongly suggest reading the book Opening Up, which is great for formerly mono couples, or singles, who want to pursue an open relationship form. It can help you decide if ethical non-monogamy is for you, and if it will lead to more fulfillment emotionally, socially and sexually for you (personally) in the long run. Usually opening a former mono relationship to new partners will change it a lot. Sometimes commitments change or end.

It's important that you and your wife recognize you are (at this point) seeking 2 different open relationship forms. As each of you is an autonomous person, you might need to detangle in order to create more freedom for personal satisfaction. In that case, you would not be going on dating apps as a couple (unless you do want to do occasional swinger-style group sex). You would seek partners on your own, and your wife would seek her own partners, of whichever gender(s) you each desire. She might be vigorously approached by men. How would you feel if she decided to take someone up on that?
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Faerum,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Poly is not for everyone, the question you are asking, is, is poly right for *you.* You need to read threads on various boards, and if you want, you can post for advice in Poly Relationships Corner. So far you and your wife are doing the right things to get out there and meet someone, if you need help with that let us know. Keep talking to your wife about what the two of you want and are looking for.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Faerum

New member
Thanks for the responses!
@Magdlyn I'd be fine if she was with men or women. Whatever makes her happy, makes me happy. I don't think I want to do an entire other separate relationship though I definitely desire more of a group relationship. Ideally someone that comes over and hangs out with us a few times a week or something.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
@Magdlyn I don't think I want to do an entire other separate relationship though I definitely desire more of a group relationship. Ideally someone that comes over and hangs out with us a few times a week or something.
I hear that you fantasize about sharing a lover with your wife. This person would somehow like very much or love you both equally, and desire sex with both of you equally. And you would both like and desire her equally. Honestly, your fantasy about what poly is, is the most common one out there, with formerly mono couples. You're used to sharing your lives, so of course you'd want to share a person. This idea about what poly is, a straight guy with 2 bisexual women, is the most common fantasy of males. That's why it sells in mainstream media, in porn videos, etc.

But your hypothetical unicorn would be a real person with tastes, desires and preferences of her own. If you do a search here on triads, you will find everything that can and does go wrong when a couple goes unicorn hunting. Here are a few examples.

What happens if you (personally) really like someone, and she seems like you both a lot, but wife doesn't like her much? Or what happens if the unicorn seems to like both of you at first, but then loses interest in one or the other of you? Say you and she like each other, are insanely attracted to each other, but after a few weeks, the wife is feeling meh about her? Can she veto your new relationship and break both your hearts? ("We're supposed to be sharing her!") This could lead to resentment on your part. Good chemistry and/or love comes along rarely in life. How would it feel to lose a new love for the sake of your wife's fear of your loss?

What if the women desire each other, and you desire new gf, but the threesomes feel awkward? Threesome sex is tricky. Many people find it stressful, because you all have to cooperate to make sure everyone's needs are met. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, 2 people start going at it and the third person is left to watch resentfully.

The women might want to continue in a sexual relationship (your wife being very excited to explore her bi side) but maybe they really don't want you in bed with them most of the time. Maybe the woman will even want to rope wife off for her own.

Would you let the women go at it and then seek a partner of you own? Or would you force your wife to break up with the new woman until you find a a woman who will love you both equally and vice versa? Lather, rinse, repeat?

Or maybe the woman will want to rope you off for her own. (Most people don't understand polyamory.) And this could not only fill your wife with envy and jealousy and fear, it could even lead to divorce.

What woman is going to have free time to come over and hang out with you and wife several times a week? Does she have a job, school, kids, a boyfriend or girlfriend of her own, hobbies, platonic friends, an ailing parent, perhaps? Or is she somehow just free at your beck and call any old time, whenever you and wife have an evening free?

I'm not saying it's bad to have fantasies and dreams. We all have them. But some unicorn hunters hunt for years, having one relationship after another last a few weeks or months only to end in jealousies, envy and distrust. Many former unicorns get very hurt and after a couple of tries, back away from the idea of finding that perfect couple, a straight guy and a bi woman in one tidy package, who will provide her with pussy and cock all at once. The thing is, couples have a shared history that puts a new lover at a disadvantage, and often feel "couple privilege," putting their needs, rules and boundaries out there as the first priority.

Some unicorns are women with low self esteem who are people pleasers, and they end up getting abused by a couple, almost made into a slave, with few rights of her own, made to do chores and childcare for the couple, but are hidden from the public eye. They can't go to a public place and be recognized as an equal partner, or go to birthday parties, or spend an actual full holiday with her bf and gf.

Now, Vs are extremely common. In a V, you might be the hinge. You'd have a wife and a gf. But the women would be metamours. They might meet. They might not. (Your gf might not want to meet your wife.) If they do meet, they might become friends (or not). They might stay acquaintances. They might end up lovers. While this is extremely rare, it is the only ethical way for a triad to happen. It's not fair to set up a relationship shape, a triad, and expect to find a person to fill that role (shared lover). In polyamory, the people come first, the relationship shape second, as it suits them.

Here is an article from a secondary's POV. What are her rights and expectations? https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
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