New and looking for advice

A

alinday

New member
Hello everyone,
I am pretty new to being in the relationship type that I am and I've been having some difficulties. I've come to see if I can gain any feed back and insight into a few situations with which I am struggling.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and 7 months ago began engaging in an exclusive relationship with another married couple we had been friends with for 8 years. It was a complete swap where each relationship was kept separate from each other, ie she with my husband and I with hers separately sexually, but social as a group. The woman was my best friend at the time.
Things were great for the first few months and then I started having issues. My husband came to me, just because were accustomed to sharing things, and began telling me playfully things that had been said between himself and her. I started to notice differences in the stories I was getting from her and became suspicious. I asked to go and look at the messages between them and found after looking back farther than I was supposed to that there were several texts said in anger by him about me being a bad wife and how he wishes we could do it all over and he could spend time exclusively with her.
This started the fire of paranoia in me that continues to this day. Not proud of my actions, but I have been snooping since and have been caught several times. Each time I snoop, I find information about how she doesn't like me as a person, and he deserves better than me, or him saying that he wishes I would treat him as well as she does, as well as a hundred other topics. Every time we talk about this I ask him not to take our marital issues to her, but every time I look again he has again. Now I don't trust either of them, and actually have begun to hate someone who used to be my best friend.
I want to salvage this, and several open discussions have led me to believe everyone else does too, but I don't know how to gain his trust back or trust him again without infringing on his privacy. As recently as yesterday again, after a huge blow up about it this past week. I learned he has lied to me again, by his own admission. I have become a horribly jealous, insecure person, who believes everyone is talking about me behind my back, and who believes that I am losing two of the closest people to me to each other. Any advice or insight would be appreciated. Thank you.


Edit: I should also add that I know there is a lot of immaturity in this on both mine and his part, and much personal growth that must go on, I'm just looking for how to make that happen by communicating about the right issues instead of bikering about these little things.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Every time we talk about this I ask him not to take our marital issues to her, but every time I look again he has again.
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When you tell him to stop talking to her about your marriage, do you tell him who he CAN talk to that doesn't upset you? Is his need to express to someone not you to vent/process? Because cutting him off from support is not going to fix the issues. Maybe he needs to cool off with someone else first in order to be able to address them with you more calmly? After that, does he get around to talking to you?

Do you ask him to articulate what behavior he would like you to STOP doing or START doing so you have a chance to correct it? Because if he's not talking to you direct but sniping to the side at his GF, that can be read as passive-aggressive.

Do you ask him "Could you please start telling me sooner so we can sort it out and nip it in the bud?"

I want to salvage this, and several open discussions have led me to believe everyone else does too, but I don't know how to gain his trust back or trust him again without infringing on his privacy.
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That goes back to stopping/starting certain behaviors. See a poly counselor if you need help making a plan. I really think you guys are best with pro help right now because some things are entwined.

For instance...You need to stop snooping. There is nothing to like about that. Hearing he/she doesn't like you doing that... well, what part is untrue? It's not fun to hear, but if you are not stopping the objectionable behavior, then he has a reason to not like this behavior, right?

He also needs to stop lying and just tell you straight up what's going on with him. Because no communication makes you want to snoop to get information. And you snooping might make him evasive and want to lie to hang on to some shred of privacy. See the circle? :(

You guys need help getting off the merry-go-round. That's why I think a pro counselor might be better in this case for coming up with a plan that all can deal with.

You might also work on defensive listening and setting personal boundaries if those are additional issues here.

I encourage you to seek poly counseling.

Galagirl
 
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He doesn't have many resources that he feels comfortable with expressive how he feels, and it was only me until they built a relationship that he felt he could trust in. The rational side of me is happy that he has a resource to whom he can so easily relate that helps him with his struggles, but I'm still navigating the emotional side of feeling replaced, especially when they do not fight and we do quite often. We've only recently started using words to bring the positives that are missing in our own relationship, but present in the others, into our own.

I have started seeing a councilor for myself and have mentioned the idea of more than one of us going in the future, however I am not sure how open she is to the poly idea and may have to switch. I've learned that I communicate poorly when it comes to him, and while I feel that s what I'm asking, like you had mentioned the cycle continues. I will do some research on making a plan to get away from that. Thank you for the response.
 
DON'T EVER SNOOP - EVER. Nothing good comes of it. It does not give peace of mind and it does not solve problems. I'm sure you've learned this, but just thought I'd say it.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
DON'T EVER SNOOP - EVER. Nothing good comes of it. It does not give peace of mind and it does not solve problems. I'm sure you've learned this, but just thought I'd say it.
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NOT EVER! So true. :)

alinday said:
I have started seeing a councilor for myself and have mentioned the idea of more than one of us going in the future, however I am not sure how open she is to the poly idea and may have to switch.
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Seeing a counsellor is great, though I certainly hope she would be more than just open to the poly idea. Some direct experience of poly relationships herself, or at least some experience of poly couples prior, would be so helpful.

If you can't find a poly counsellor, keep trying because GalaGirl is right. Some pro help would be best. In addition, if you have any friends who are poly and have a compassionate disposition, they can be supportive. A self-help CBT-style diary might be helpful at this junction as well as going over literature on polyamory. As always, looking after your well-being by taking the opportunities to get exercise, healthy food and relaxation will aid the whole process.

You can definitely salvage this. You can! Working through it will be a challenge but it can be so rewarding in the end.
 
Hi alinday,

Here are some more resources for finding a poly-friendly counselor:

If you have trouble finding a poly-experienced counselor but can find one who's willing to learn, ask them to read "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

... and then if they really want to do their homework, perhaps they'd be willing to read "Opening Up" and "More than Two" as well.
 
Whoa, rewind.

For some reason, your own husband thinks you're a bad wife and your own best friend thinks you're not good enough for him.

Now some people might read those texts and think, "Holy crap. What kind of person am I? What did I do that's so horrible? What can I do to improve?"

No. Instead, you just kicked it up a notch and made your behaviour even more reprehensible.

And then when it's all out in the open and the possibility is there to improve, what do you do? Snoop some more, and get on his case for lying about it when he needs to get some support and doesn't feel safe being upfront about it.

The closest thing I saw to you acknowledging your own role in the problem was an edited afterthought in which you unilaterally accused everyone of being immature. There was no real ownership for any particular behaviours on your part that need to change.

My advice? Forget the blame game. Forget about trying to change your husband's behaviour. Focus on your own behaviour. Let him be responsible for himself.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
No. Instead, you just kicked it up a notch and made your behaviour even more reprehensible.
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Absolutely agree. This isn't a poly issue and no poly-friendly counselors are required. You're in this bind because of how you approach relationships, not because of how many people are involved or because they drove you to anything with their bad behavior. Stop trying to move so many chess pieces and work on yourself. ANY counselor worth his/her credentials will tell you to start with you. Poly has nothing to do with the fix you're in.


GalaGirl said:
He also needs to stop lying and just tell you straight up what's going on with him. Because no communication makes you want to snoop to get information. And you snooping might make him evasive and want to lie to hang on to some shred of privacy. See the circle? :(
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Thorough and well thought out, as usual, but I'll just add that a changed situation is never dependent on another person's behavior change. We might think we are, but we are never hostage to whether others will or won't behave in order for us to move things along to a better place. We don't ever have to wait for other people to change or drag them to a counselor in order for huge, positive changes to take root in a relationship. In fact, the most long lasting changes come when we get new perspective, individually. Focussing on what the other person/people are doing "badly" is what keeps us in the circle and we can always change our focus. There are a myriad of options for change within us and when we take those options, we see our outer world shift to reflect the new viewpoint.
 
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HappilyFallenAngel said:
Focussing on what the other person/people are doing "badly" is what keeps us in the circle and we can always change our focus.
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I was coming at it more from the POV of "stop contributing to the merry go round." Someone needs to go first, and that someone could be Alinday with stopping the snooping. Could ask directly rather than peek in his stuff. Do her side of the job. Let husband do his side of the job.

Alinday said:
I know there is a lot of immaturity in this on both mine and his part, and much personal growth that must go on, I'm just looking for how to make that happen by communicating about the right issues instead of bikering about these little things.
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If you are aware you have immature behaviors -- what are they? Can you list them? How can you stop doing them? What would you like to try doing instead?

What immature behaviors of his bother you? Can you list them? What do you prefer instead? Are you able to ask for this?

My feedback?

1) Right now I see that you feel yucky and insecure since you began the snooping. Stop and see if you start to feel better.

2) I do not know what they are, but you could stop bickering about whatever little things you are bickering about. Picking a fight can help relieve stress, but it isn't the healthiest way to do stress relief. Look to DE-ESCALATE not escalate the situation between you. If you need to vent pent up "grrrr!" how about taking up jogging? Or take a fitness class? Then you can come to discussions in a calmer frame of mind or at least with less "Grrr!" the next time you talk.

3) Ask directly for what you need. Can you articulate needs well? If you circled those on the list, which would they be?

4) I don't know what the big issues are. Can you articulate them? Then maybe people can help you with HOW to say it to spouse. You could also ask your counselor for help with HOW to say it.

I get a sense that some of it relates to this:

He doesn't have many resources that he feels comfortable with expressive how he feels, and it was only me until they built a relationship that he felt he could trust in. The rational side of me is happy that he has a resource to whom he can so easily relate that helps him with his struggles, but I'm still navigating the emotional side of feeling replaced, especially when they do not fight and we do quite often. We've only recently started using words to bring the positives that are missing in our own relationship, but present in the others, into our own.
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But that is not issues between you and him. That is internal conflict you are experiencing. On the one hand you are glad he has another close confidante so it doesn't always have to be you. On the other hand, you miss it being only you.

Maybe you want to express that like...

"I am having internal conflict. On the one hand, I am glad you can confide in GF so it isn't just me. That gives you more support. On the other hand, I miss it being just me because that felt cozy. I need to feel connected to you, but I feel the loss of that cozy. I didn't expect to feel some of the things I am feeling. I need to be told it is ok to feel weird and I need help remembering we still connect in other ways.

I am sorry for snooping. I'll try to stop. Please help me to stop by changing your password on things. Could you be willing to do that?

Please help me find other more healthy ways to share connectedness with you. I am struggling. How do you want us to connect better? Could you be willing to tell me? "​

Could reading poly hell together help any? I get a vibe you are struggling with the concept of "demotion" in there somewhere.

5) Have you considered Non Violent Communication? You can also look up Marshal Rosenberg's books.

6) Right now you seem to have a hard time not taking things personally. I suggest you google "defensive listening" and "active listening" and see if that can help improve communication also. Here's one to start:

http://www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/PDFpubs/6103.pdf

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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