New -and lost- in this new world, looking for some help

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LostNFound

New member
Hi everyone

You can't imagine how happy i am to have found this forum !

I'm totally new to all this, and not even sure about my own position on this. I hope that some people could relate to my situation and help me through this.

Now where to start ?

I am a 26yo male, and have been in a monogamous relationship with my gf for over 5 years now. I've never heard about polyamory until a few months ago. In all my relationship, as happy as i could have been, i've always fell the need to have more than one sexual partner at the time. What people would call "cheating", except that it never felt to me this way. It might be complicated to understand, but, even though i knew i could have deeply hurted my relationship partner, i wasn't seeing these other women for the pleasure of cheating, because my partner couldn't fullfil me in some way, or because i wasn't carring about her. To me, it always felt like a totally different thing, I would have my partner, with who i would share my life and love, and these other persons around, that would be here only in a sexual way, nothing more. I've always felt the difference between love in a relationship, and casual sex with strangers/friends.

I've been suffering a lot with this "conditions", not speaking to anyone about it, thinking something might be wrong with me, until i've heard of polyamory, and started to look into it, bringing me here for advice/answers...

The other women i've seen were always only sexual partners, and even though i've always blocked myself from it, the more the time pass, the more i feel attracted about the idea of having maybe more than a single partner in life too... It feels like it could be the solution -at least for me- to so many problems. This whole thing isn't totally clear for me, as it's totally new and i've had no one to talk to, to compare my experience to... This has been rising inside me, slowly but surely, and is today, to say the least, a source of pain and incomprehension on how to handle it, and even fear, on what could be the consequence on my life...

My girlfriend have felt that, even has tried to adapt: we've experienced threesomes, with three different women, the last one, a friend, multiple times. And even though my girlfriend is discovering something about herself here and loving it, she doesn't assume it, and it's now a source of unsecurity for her, she is scarred to see me always wanting more, and this ended up with her getting really aggressive toward these woemns, even tho it was respectful, freidnly and from mutual agreement at first.

I've tried to bring the conversation, asking how she would feel if i was seeing other womens, but i've hit a wall here...

It's now a big source of suffering for both of us, and i don't know how to handle all of this...

I hope i won't feel judged here, as i've never meant harm to anybody, and have had the feeling, constantly rising, to be like fighting something inside me, that is nothing else than a part of who i truly am...

Apologizing too for any mistakes, english isn't my first language

Thanks in advance
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

If you and your partner have agreed to be only with each other, and you have sex partners on the side? That is cheating on agreements. For it not to be cheating, you would have to have the agreement that you both can see people on the side for sex. Did you have that agreement? If not, I think you could be more honest with yourself. You started out cheating, felt bad about it, and then tried threesomes with people instead.

This has been rising inside me, slowly but surely, and is today, to say the least, a source of pain and incomprehension on how to handle it, and even fear, on what could be the consequence on my life...
Click to expand...

If you want to date more than one partner and share both love and sex? I think you could be honest with the people that you date that this is what you want in life.

If your GF is becoming aggressive to threesome partners? Stop having threesomes.

I've tried to bring the conversation, asking how she would feel if i was seeing other womens, but i've hit a wall here...
Click to expand...

Sounds like you want to date other people and share both love and sex. Not just sex like you said before. It's ok to change your mind.

And it is ok if she does not want that for her relationships. Sometimes people want different things.

It's now a big source of suffering for both of us, and i don't know how to handle all of this...
Click to expand...

Well if you want to share love and sex with more people? And she prefers something else? You two are not compatible any more. You both could accept that. And then you could break up. That's not FUN. But it allows you to be FREE TO pursue polyamory. And it allows her to be FREE FROM polyamory if she doesn't want any of that in her life.

I hope i won't feel judged here, as i've never meant harm to anybody, and have had the feeling, constantly rising, to be like fighting something inside me, that is nothing else than a part of who i truly am...
Click to expand...

Not judging. But some suggestions...

Stop harming you. Be more honest with yourself. That you want to stop doing this cheating or "cheating" or whatever you call it. That you want to live a polyamorous life more forthrightly.

Stop harming GF. Now that you know you want poly? And it sounds like she doesn't? Part ways qucik, clean, and respectfully rather than dragging it out. That's just more pain.

You guys are no longer compatible and trying to make it keep going ANYWAY is causing you both suffering. What would help lessen suffering is recognizing that you two want different things now.

Stop harming threesome partners -- because GF is being aggressive toward them and because you both need to sort things out between you first. Involving other people at this time is just more people suffering.

Apologizing too for any mistakes, english isn't my first language
Click to expand...

It's ok that it is not your first language. I hope you straighten things out so your suffering can stop.

Galagirl
 
Hello LostNFound,

It sounds like you want to stay with your girlfriend, but you also need someone to tell you how you can convince her to consent to you seeing other women. I take it you have tried to convince her, but she has said no? (throwing up a brick wall.) Describe the conversation, exactly what you said, exactly how she responded. If you'll do that, it might help me get some ideas of what more you might be able to say (or do) to convince her. Also, do you want to see other women for sex only, or do you also want to have relationships with them? If the latter, that is poly and you can read up on it in Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ. In any case, you should read the book "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Ask your girlfriend to read it too, perhaps read it together with her.

Ultimately, she is the one who will decide what she consents to, and you must decide how you'll respond. It may take her awhile to decide, she has consented to threesomes, but that has become a source of insecurity for her. She is scared to see you always wanting more, is there any way you can reassure her on that point?

If there's any way I can help, let me know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you need more variety in love or sex partners, that is just a fact of life. You're only 25. You've been with one gf for 4 years, since you were 21.

Our culture (Western culture) teaches us to search for One True Love, the Soulmate, find him or her and never let go. It's in movies, on TV, in books, magazines, online fiction, fairy tales, ads, everywhere. But it's not real. It's a romantic fantasy.

There is nothing wrong with finding that, at 25, the partner you chose at 21 is no longer suitable. Maybe you ARE polyamorous. Maybe you're just a young man not ready to "settle down" and have kids and a dog and a house and 2 cars and all those goals the media and culture teaches us is the only good goal in life.

If your gf is ready to settle down and have kids, or at least be saving money towards that goal, that is fine for her. If you want something different, and you're finally admitting that, good for you. But tell your gf this is no longer working. She has already seen you want more, since you did the threesomes. She's already acting out aggressively to the threesome partners, when this situation is NOT their fault. So you might as well come out and admit you really can not, and do not, want to be monogamous any longer. Then she can move on and find a bf, while she is young, who shares her goals of monogamy. And you are free to explore polyamory.

Breaking up sucks. But living mono when you are poly is worse. Believe me, I tried it, for way too long. It wasn't fair to me or my husband.
 
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