New and sad

[Hihello]

Hi everyone. So my boyfriend and I agreed that we we're both poly when we first decided to start dating. Honestly, I thought it would be just us for awhile, like a year or more at least. But we've been dating since January and he's already been pursued by a gay couple. He told me all this yesterday and I am really having a hard time. I just feel so much pain and I really wasn't expecting to feel all this. We just told each other "I love you" like last week and then all of sudden he's telling me this couple we met at the bar last weekend have asked him to be his third. A part of me is like, yeah, we're poly it's fine. Another part of me is feeling very used and sort of like I'm being manipulated in this situation. Like he just wants me as a back up or something. I don't think this is true but it's a fear I have in the back of my mind.
I'm just really struggling with all this today. I am very strong emotionally and can deal with my emotions, assess why I'm feeling the way I am, and usually come out a stronger person. So I know I will get through this. It's just every time I think about him having this relationship with this couple I feel physically sick and start crying. Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do?
I want my SO to be happy. I want him to have this experience if it's going to make him happy, but at the same time I am so afraid that I will no longer be good enough for him. The reason I'm consenting to this relationship is because I truly feel you can love more than one person and that I may I find someone else myself one day. It's just happening so fast, I guess I wasn't expecting this to happen to soon in our relationship.
Anyway, I just don't have anyone else to talk to about all this, other than him, which I have told him all this and he said he doesn't want to hurt me (too late) and he won't go through with it if I don't want him to. But I feel like it's too late already, I don't want him to resent me, and if he's asking me to tell him not to do it instead of just not doing it that means he really wants to do it. So yeah...that's where I'm at.

 

[Leander]

“Its happening so fast” is a very common feeling when a partner is first interested in someone else, especially if a relationship starts off with as just two people involved and/or poly is a relatively new thing. At the same time that you’re struggling to examine and process arising strong emotions your partner is feeling eager to explore the potential of other partners. It can feel like they’re gaining something while you’re losing something. Just that will itself may bring up feelings of being exploited or not cared for. After all, it might seem that if they did care about you they wouldn’t be doing anything that would cause you pain, right? Even though hurting you is far from their intention, that is what it can feel like. A whole host of other feelings might come up, too. For example, your fear that you won’t be good enough for him if he’s also seeing this other couple is a very common insecurity. Its a lot to take on.

The reality is certain to be a bumpy ride compared to how you imagined it could be. It will go easier if you accept that it will probably suck for a while. There will be hurt, frustration, confusion, etc. That doesn’t mean it will be like this forever. If you truly feel you can love more than one person then this is the beginning of working out how that might be possible in your own personal relationships.

There are many books on polyamory that you could read. They will help a lot on navigating this potentially long and winding journey. Its a shame you don't have anyone you know personally that is experienced with polyamory to talk to. That can be a lot of help as well. It can make things much easier to get different perspectives, insights and sympathy from others. However, books and communities like this can be great as well.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

How long have you been together? Is this your first time doing poly?

I could be wrong... but to me it sounds like you haven't been together very long. And though you both agreed this would be a poly relationship model where each of you can date other people? You assumed there would be a "honeymoon" period with just you and him for the first year. And you recently exchanged "I love you" words last week.

So now he's being up front and honest with you about finding this potential new couple yesterday.

And you discovered that you REALLY wanted that honeymoon period and weren't ready to to come out of that "bubble" and move on to "regular life and dating other people" just yet.

He offered to not date them if you aren't ready. Fair enough. Presumably he doesn't offer to do things that he doesn't really want to do.
So... Why aren't you saying

"Thanks, I appreciate your willingness to pass on this couple at this time. Could we please take a time out to sort out our agreements? And make sure no other assumptions happened? Because I do want us to have that honeymoon period and then move on to poly date other people. But this caught me off guard happening so soon"

to be honest and up front back?

Because you are afraid if you are honest... he will resent you? For WHAT? He can't be a mind reader.

Could keep your life simpler.

But I feel like it's too late already, I don't want him to resent me, and if he's asking me to tell him not to do it instead of just not doing it that means he really wants to do it. So yeah...that's where I'm at.

It's too late to be honest? Because you don't want him to resent you... for being honest? Can you see you are doing some muddled thinking in your upset?

To me? Someone with more experience might tell the new potentials "Hey, I jumped the gun a bit. Turns out I have things to sort at home first. If you are willing for me to look you up in future when I am more able to poly date... could I have your contact info?" Then could sort things at home and prioritize that first. Then look up the potential later down. If it were me? I wouldn't ask you. I'd just cut it off with the potential and deal with things at home.

But you know what? If you are both newbies to poly entirely, or new to doing poly together? Cut yourselves a break. Sort this out without making it bigger than it is.

He asked you if you want him to cut it off rather than just doing it. So, say "Yes. Cut it off."

If you are bringing things to this relationship that you are realizing you need to work on? Do your personal work. He could do same.

I don't know if Polysecure could help you any.

Or reading anything here

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

could help. I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl

 

[Hihello]

Thank you so much for your advice. You are totally right about the whole honeymoon phase aspect. We have dated before but recently got back together after being broken up for a year. This is both of ours first poly relationship, yes. I really like what you said about dealing with stuff at home first and being honest with him about how I feel. You are right, I shouldn't be afraid to be honest about this.
As the day has gone on, I've read some more stuff about being poly and jealously and have started to feel better overall. I've sat with my feelings and they aren't as intense as they were this morning. I've been talking to my boyfriend all day and I did tell him to please hold off on doing anything sexual with the couple. Our relationship is actually really strong except in that area, but we've been working on it and I told him we need to be solid in that aspect of our relationship before he explores that with the couple. He agreed. But yeah, I'm trying not to make this a big thing. I know it's normal to feel jealously in the beginning and I am really focusing on myself and my self worth. Thanks again for responding, it means a lot.

 

[Hihello]

“Its happening so fast” is a very common feeling when a partner is first interested in someone else, especially if a relationship starts off with as just two people involved and/or poly is a relatively new thing. At the same time that you’re struggling to examine and process arising strong emotions your partner is feeling eager to explore the potential of other partners. It can feel like they’re gaining something while you’re losing something. Just that will itself may bring up feelings of being exploited or not cared for. After all, it might seem that if they did care about you they wouldn’t be doing anything that would cause you pain, right? Even though hurting you is far from their intention, that is what it can feel like. A whole host of other feelings might come up, too. For example, your fear that you won’t be good enough for him if he’s also seeing this other couple is a very common insecurity. Its a lot to take on.

The reality is certain to be a bumpy ride compared to how you imagined it could be. It will go easier if you accept that it will probably suck for a while. There will be hurt, frustration, confusion, etc. That doesn’t mean it will be like this forever. If you truly feel you can love more than one person then this is the beginning of working out how that might be possible in your own personal relationships.

There are many books on polyamory that you could read. They will help a lot on navigating this potentially long and winding journey. Its a shame you don't have anyone you know personally that is experienced with polyamory to talk to. That can be a lot of help as well. It can make things much easier to get different perspectives, insights and sympathy from others. However, books and communities like this can be great as well.

Hi, yes it truly has been A HELL OF A LOT to take on lol thanks for advice though. I have been talking to my boyfriend all day and we're really communicating well about everything and how I feel. But you're right about all the feelings in the beginning, but it is just the beginning. It's scary to start something new. But I've reading a lot about poly relationships today and I think once I get past all these initial emotions it will be fine. Thanks again for your response!a

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

We have dated before but recently got back together after being broken up for a year.

Hopefully you have solved whatever it was that caused the break up before and it isn't casting a shadow over this new attempt at being together.

This is both of ours first poly relationship, yes.

So this feels like double load then. Because it is not (first time him dating this couple) only. It is that PLUS (first time him dating people at the same time as you EVER).

You do not have benefit of past experience yet. You don't really know him as a hinge yet. Or what skills he's good at and which ones not so much yet. And you don't know yourself as a metamour either. Or how well you can share the hinge's time.

Where if this wasn't the first people he's poly dating ever? You did have some experience? You could go "Oh, he always gets goofy with new potential(s) for the first ___ weeks/months and then he calms down with his NRE. And I always get _____. And ___ helps me. And ____ does not help."

It's ok to feel weird. Presumably you were up for feeling some weird in the process when you agreed to poly. You were willing to try, but not yet confirmed on the "actually able." Because it's the first time ever.

It's also ok to change your mind later and NOT want to do it any more if you discover that yes, you were willing to try. But not actually able to do poly. Or you find you are able to do poly, but changed mind about being willing to do it because you find it a drag/too complex with this many people, calendars, etc to balance.

So keep being up front and honest with your partner about where you are at. Nobody is a mind reader.

I really like what you said about dealing with stuff at home first and being honest with him about how I feel. You are right, I shouldn't be afraid to be honest about this.

Why have you been afraid to be honest?

Galagirl

 

[Hihello]

Thank you for more info.



Hopefully you have solved whatever it was that caused the break up before and it isn't casting a shadow over this new attempt at being together.



So this feels like double load then. Because it is not (first time him dating this couple) only. It is that PLUS (first time him dating people at the same time as you EVER).

You do not have benefit of past experience yet. You don't really know him as a hinge yet. Or what skills he's good at and which ones not so much yet. And you don't know yourself as a metamour either. Or how well you can share the hinge's time.

Where if this wasn't the first people he's poly dating ever? You did have some experience? You could go "Oh, he always gets goofy with new potential(s) for the first ___ weeks/months and then he calms down with his NRE. And I always get _____. And ___ helps me. And ____ does not help."

It's ok to feel weird. Presumably you were up for feeling some weird in the process when you agreed to poly. You were willing to try, but not yet confirmed on the "actually able." Because it's the first time ever.

It's also ok to change your mind later and NOT want to do it any more if you discover that yes, you were willing to try. But not actually able to do poly. Or you find you are able to do poly, but changed mind about being willing to do it because you find it a drag/too complex with this many people, calendars, etc to balance.

So keep being up front and honest with your partner about where you are at. Nobody is a mind reader.



Why have you been afraid to be honest?

Galagirl

No, thankfully there no shadows from the previous attempt, we talked through what happened and then we started fresh. I saved what you said about it being ok to change my mind whatever the reason. It ties into why I've been afraid to be honest about certain things...I just have trouble sometimes expressing my true desires for fear that the other person will get angry or want to leave me. And like, my boyfriend has reassured me he loves me and that he's not going anywhere, but the fear still lingers deep down. I am working on all that though. Being my authentic self. *sigh* growing up is hard but also worth it.
How long have you been in a poly relationship?

 

[GalaGirl]

It IS ok to change your mind. Or just not do something right now. For example, though DH knew I was poly well before marriage and though in the past I saw people? It's just him and me right now. We have an agreement to be Closed while navigating this space of finishing raising children and getting them out of the nest and dealing with a LOT of dementia eldercare for our parents/step parents. Had there been poly partners before this chapter, it would have been like "Closed to any NEW people coming in, established people are fine."

It's not the "sexy" or "exciting" part of poly --raising families poly, aging poly, sick poly, etc. But it's part of life.

I just have trouble sometimes expressing my true desires for fear that the other person will get angry or want to leave me.

Blue is your side of the communication job that you have to do. People are not mind readers.

Orange is their side of the communication job that they do. Their reaction or response to news.

Who taught you to be afraid of speaking up and doing your part of the communication job? Because they were bad at their side of the communication job and they'd blow up in anger and act out at you like that?

You know your BF is not those people, right?

And you know you are allowed to be however you want to be and take up space in the world, right? Everyone can take up their fair share or space.

And like, my boyfriend has reassured me he loves me and that he's not going anywhere, but the fear still lingers deep down.

Then maybe that's something to work on. Stop feeding the fear with "Oh, no! Doom!" or "I stink! Nobody will like me!" kind of thinking if you are doing any of that. Start feeding coping instead with thoughts like...

"He says he's not leaving. I believe him. I'm not doing any horrible behaviors to my partner to push him away."

Along with

"And even if he DOES break up with me for whatever reason? Bummer, because break ups are sad even when needed or the best choice in a situation. But I have dealt with bummer things before. I can heal. I can cope. There was life before him. There is life after him."

No break up is FUN like "Yay! Let's make cookies!" But breaking up is a reasonable risk of dating. The only way to not do any is just not to date at all. We can't avoid break ups and just maintain this long string of partners we don't really have much in common with or get on with. For what purpose? Where's the pleasure in that?

It's fine for people to date, then one of them decides "Nope. I don't want to do this any more." Then shake hands and go "Sorry, it's not working out. I need to break up. It was nice knowing you for a time. I hope things go well for you in future."

Doesn't mean person 1 stinks or person 2 stinks. Just means not enough in common to be companions together for more time.

Not everyone you have a first date with will be initially compatible to have a second or third or even a few months together. And of those initially compatible people? Not all of them will be DEEPLY compatible. Not everyone you date is destined to be a long haul runner.

If the person goes ballistic over a polite break up? To me? It just kinda underlines another reason WHY person 1 may have wanted to break up with them.

Again... you might benefit from reading the Polysecure book.

Being my authentic self. *sigh* growing up is hard but also worth it.

I don't know your age, but I can tell you from over here in middle age wishing for my retirement?

One can get used to just being up front and honest and doing their own side of the communication job and let the other person deal with their side. You can get comfortable living in your own skin and liking your own self.

You can learn to be ok with the people that know and like you liking you. And the people that know and don't like you not liking you. And the people who don't even know you not even knowing you.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Hihello,

You have gotten some really good advice, and it sounds like it is helping you. Polyamory can be so hard to navigate in the beginning, you have to sort through your feelings and that can be no small task. Right now, your boyfriend has been moving very fast with this gay couple. You were not ready for him to move so fast. It is okay to ask him to put that couple on hold, or at least to refrain from sexual relations with them for the moment. I think you are handling it the right way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Hihello]

Hello Hihello,

You have gotten some really good advice, and it sounds like it is helping you. Polyamory can be so hard to navigate in the beginning, you have to sort through your feelings and that can be no small task. Right now, your boyfriend has been moving very fast with this gay couple. You were not ready for him to move so fast. It is okay to ask him to put that couple on hold, or at least to refrain from sexual relations with them for the moment. I think you are handling it the right way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hey, yes, I thought I was okay one day but then the next day I got an overwhelming flood of emotions and I don't think I'm ready to go forward yet. He is moving fast and I told him this. I really don't think he wants to stop seeing then. This is where I'm struggling now. I am planning to go talk to him in person this morning about how I'm feeling. I'm also trying to just focus on how I'm feeling, which is hard for me. But I do know that I mentally cannot handle this right now, especially with how fast it's going. He's already spent two nights over at their place this week. And because I'm a single mother, we never even get that much time together ourselves, so that brought on a whole other host of feelings. I'm really not sure how this going to turn out. Part of me feels like we're about to breakup, but then a part of me truly hopes he was telling me truth when he said he didn't have to go through with this.

Thank you

 

[kdt26417]

No problem.

It definitely sounds like you need him to put his relationship with the gay couple on hold. He might not love to do that, but if he said he was willing to do that, you have to assume that he was telling the truth. You have some things in your own relationship with him that need to be worked on, such as the fact that the two of you never get much time together. I hope you are able to have the talk you need to have with him, and that it is productive.

 

[Hihello]

Yeah, we talked...turns out he ended up being sexual with the couple after I had asked him not to yet. So yeah. I'm in shock right now so I'm not sure how I feel yet. I'm going to be pretty broken over it for awhile though. I told him I didn't know how long it would take me to trust him again. Tomorrow I may want to finally end it all with him for good. But he did seem honestly very broken up about it....so idk. I'm starting therapy next week so I'm hoping I'm finally going to get the help I need. He said his Dr referred him to a therapist and he wants to go. So if we both go through with getting out shit together, I would be willing to make the relationship work. But once again, tomorrow I may decide to be completely done.
Yeah. I thank all of you for your insights. It's really helped me navigate through this shit storm of emotional turmoil.

 

[Marcus]

I just have trouble sometimes expressing my true desires for fear that the other person will get angry or want to leave me. And like, my boyfriend has reassured me he loves me and that he's not going anywhere, but the fear still lingers deep down. I am working on all that though.

Relationships end or get restructured for a whole host of reasons. While it's reasonable to "fear" that a relationship might end, it's not super constructive to focus on that. Instead, focus on is investigating why we feel the way we do, fashioning healthy and reasonable boundaries, and being fantastic at gracefully not getting what we want.

Tightening your grip on a relationship is a good way to get it to squirt through your fingers, so be cautious about taking that approach.

He is moving fast and I told him this.

Well, he's moving at the pace he wants to move at, and you are having some struggle with handling the change gracefully. It's a challenge, and it isn't weird that you're having some struggle, but it's also important to keep in mind that he doesn't exist to fulfill your needs and instead he should be "focusing on how he is feeling", just like you are.

The trick is for you guys to both be honest about where you are at and what you want, and to let the relationship adjust where it naturally needs to.

Part of me feels like we're about to breakup, but then a part of me truly hopes he was telling me truth when he said he didn't have to go through with this.

It's risky prompting people to sacrifice what they want to sate your feelings. Personally I don't feel clean about telling someone I love "this part of your life that you really enjoy and want to explore stresses me out, so you need to go ahead and quit doing it... k?". It's a good way to build resentment instead of building trust and durability into an association.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear this.

From what I understand? He said he'd let it go entirely if you wanted him to. You softened it to just don't share sex with them yet. He agreed. Then he shared sex with them.

If he really wanted to go there? It would have been better for him to just say from the start "I want to start seeing this couple. I plan on letting it unfold how it will. I need to know if you still want to be in my poly network or not."

Just be honest from the start. Why pussyfoot around? Or offer to do things he doesn't really intend or want to do?

I told him I didn't know how long it would take me to trust him again.

What changes will he be making in future to demonstrate trustworthiness?

You don't have to trust blindly. It's also ok if you decide to let this BF go and NOT trust him again.

You get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your relationships.

Tomorrow I may want to finally end it all with him for good.

Well, you can choose that. You two had already broken up before. And it isn't like poly is magic. People can cheat on their poly agreements just like they can any other agreements. It's not the relationship model that makes them keep their word. It's their character and their integrity.

I'm starting therapy next week so I'm hoping I'm finally going to get the help I need.

That's good. Investing in your own self.

He said his Dr referred him to a therapist and he wants to go.

That's his stuff for him to do.

So if we both go through with getting out shit together, I would be willing to make the relationship work.

There's the thing. You alone cannot make a relationship work.

In any of your relationships? You can do your fair share and hold up your end of the stick. The other person? They have to do their fair share. And if they don't? You end up carry the whole stick? It's a one sided relationship? You can decide you don't feel like participating in it like that. You get to decide what is worth your time. You get to decide what you will and will not put up with.

It's ok to give people second chances. But it's not going to be 50, 500, 5 million, right?

Again, I'm sorry to hear this. However it is that it pans out? I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl

 

[Hihello]

Hi Marcus,

he doesn't exist to fulfill your needs and instead he should be "focusing on how he is feeling", just like you are.

I believe this is true. It's just I feel you can be considerate towards someone...but I have a problem with often being too considerate and constantly thinking about the feelings of others before my own.

Personally I don't feel clean about telling someone I love "this part of your life that you really enjoy and want to explore stresses me out, so you need to go ahead and quit doing it... k?".

I agree, I could never do that to him. I love him too much and I know how much this couple mean to him...he's never had men in his life that he could trust and bond with in this kind of way. Like it's amazing for him. I wish I could just be that happy person for him through this whole journey but I couldn't control all the emotional shit that also arose within me, and was much stronger than the positive side.

I still don't think that excuses the deceit though.



Hi Galagirl,

"I want to start seeing this couple. I plan on letting it unfold how it will. I need to know if you still want to be in my poly network or not."

I really wish he had said something like that as well. But it was like he wanted me to make the decision for him, he wanted me to make the rules...just for him to break them.

You can decide you don't feel like participating in it like that. You get to decide what is worth your time. You get to decide what you will and will not put up with

Absolutely right. I needed that reminder.
But I hope things get better as well. You've given me some great stuff to think about, I really appreciate it!

 

[GalaGirl]

I have a problem with often being too considerate and constantly thinking about the feelings of others before my own.

If you are going to be kind to all people... aren't you a people too?

These extreme ends aren't esp healthy:

Selfish = Mememememe! Ignore/forget/neglect them! All about ME.

Selfless = Themthemthem! Ignore/forget/neglect me! All about THEM.

The place in the middle is "self full" according to Marshall Rosenberg. That is more like "I meet my own needs first so I can run from a full tank of gas. Then I can help others with their reasonable and rational requests. I'm not trying to run on fumes or when I'm bone dry."

If other people do the same? Take care of themselves first, then help others with reasonable and rational requests? Then everyone is being seen to. Nobody is getting neglected.

Could stop putting other people ahead of you just so they like you. If you operate from the middle place of self full? That liking part is up to them. They will like you or not like you.

But it will feel a lot better for YOU if you operate from self full so you don't aren't running on fumes or overextending yourself. Because taking care of you? You do that part. Others may or may not contribute to your well being. But the one who HAS to look after your well being is YOU.

I really wish he had said something like that as well. But it was like he wanted me to make the decision for him, he wanted me to make the rules...just for him to break them.

I cannot date or be friends with people like that. People who won't take personal responsibility for their own stuff and try to pass the buck on to me. Or say whatever they think I want to hear in the moment to avoid doing healthy conflict resolution. Then go do wacky. And make a NEW situation where we have to do conflict resolution again? So tiresome.

Maybe when you see your therapist you can articulate what qualities you seek and respect in a romantic partner and what you do not. What's a dealbreaker, etc. Maybe it's a good time to develop your own personal standards.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm new to this thread, but I wanted to add my 2 cents.

To recap: you are a young woman, a single mom. You dated this guy (let's call him Mike for convenience) for X amount of time previously. Something or things caused a breakup of X amount of time. You thought you'd sorted the issues out. You got back together 2 months ago.

You and Mike had agreed that you'd be poly this go round. He's bi or pansexual and has maybe had a few sexual/romantic encounters with men before. But just now, a gay couple approached him to be their "third." He has decided he would like to be in that position, while only having just gotten back with you...

Your time together is limited to X times a week/month, since you're (presumably) working and also caring for a kid or kids on your own. Maybe he has more free time, so he thinks he has time for you, to establish a good working relationship, AND to work his way into this gay triad, as well. (Heads-up: that's a lot!)

Triads of any duration (other than casual temporary threeway sex) are extremely difficult to negotiate. That's his problem, but it could definitely impact his ability to be present for you, his long term, rather well-known former and current lover. He is almost definitely in NRE for this new couple, whom he thinks will be so good for him. (That remains to be seen.)

His wanting to immediately date others, much less an already established couple (that is, 2 other individuals, each with their own wants and expectations for a "third") has understandably upset you. You don't seem ready to actually pursue polyamory this soon after getting back together. Maybe you think you and Mike both need to do a lot more research and talking about practicalities before you actually begin dating others.

But you have childhood issues around putting other's "needs" (desires, whatever) first. So you told him, "Yes, go ahead and date these guys. Just don't have sex quite yet." Mike agreed. Then he cheated on you.

Has he cheated on you before?

I don't have any big advice for you, but maybe looking at the timeline and issues like this will help you see patterns of your thoughts and behaviors when you start therapy. You seem to be with a guy you can't really trust. He wanted you to give him rules, only to break them! You are putting his wishes before your own, and trying to put the brakes on things at the same time.

I wouldn't blame you for breaking up for good this time, to work on yourself and learn to treat yourself with the respect you deserve.

 

[Hihello]

Hi GalaGirl!
Thanks so much for introducing me to the concept of "self full". I think that will be extremely helpful to me going forward. You are so right about developing my own personal standards. My mind set has definitely changed from this entire experience, I feel like it's been such a pivotal moment for me. I just want to come out of it a stronger person.


Thank you for your insight Magdlyn.
I am definitely shifting the way I live my life from here on out. I need to put myself and my son first and then see where my boyfriend fits into my life, instead of me trying to fit my life into his. It's not possible and it's caused me more harm than good. I must admit I've kind of lost myself this past year, haven't been taking care of myself, and haven't been doing what brings me joy. When I got back together with "Mike" I wasn't really in a good place but I missed him so much and wanted to see if we could *do better* this time. He has come SOOO far from the person he was when I first met him that I actually thought we were in a good place. And we were for a bit. I feel like once the serotonin wore off from us getting back together he needed to get more. Not saying the gay couple isn't a legitimate relationship, they just happened to meet at the perfect time, right when we finally getting "settled" and less exciting.
Despite all that's happened I still want to try and see if we can make it work. I love him regardless, maybe I'm stupid but I am going to do this with all the knowledge I've gained from this thread specifically. If it doesn't work this time then I believe I will feel better leaving for good knowing that I least tried really hard.

 

[Magdlyn]

Of course, if you've been with "Mike" for quite a while, even on and off, you're not going to want to break up immediately just because of the words of some internet strangers.

Are you living with him?

Maybe you could put things on hold and take another break, take a breath, (read the book Opening Up), and get a few therapy sessions under your belt before you try to renegotiate again. You need to firm up your opinions and options. Meanwhile, he can go try to insert himself into this gay triad thing. You probably should not trust him to use condoms with them (or whoever else), so if and when you do get together/have sex, you'll need to insist on using condoms with him (if you aren't already).

 

[GalaGirl]

I need to put myself and my son first and then see where my boyfriend fits into my life, instead of me trying to fit my life into his. It's not possible and it's caused me more harm than good.

Yup. It either pans naturally or not.

But you skip bending yourself into pretzels just fit yourself around other people.

Despite all that's happened I still want to try and see if we can make it work. I love him regardless, maybe I'm stupid but I am going to do this with all the knowledge I've gained from this thread specifically. If it doesn't work this time then I believe I will feel better leaving for good knowing that I least tried really hard.

Fair enough. You get to pick what you do. Could run that plan by your counselor to see if it's realistic and reasonable.

You sound firmer. If you are going to give him another chance, this is the last time. The expectation is that both of you are going to work on yourselves with the help of therapists.

I told him I didn't know how long it would take me to trust him again.

It's not just about trusting Mike. You need to be able to trust yourself that you will take care of you. And not put you on the back burner all the time in favor of other people. You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff or continue in stuff that hurts me or my kid(s). I have to love me / my kid(s) first."

Could take a time out or break if not fully break up. Just some kind of pause so you can talk to therapist first.

And then get back together again for the third time with some better agreements, clearer expectations of each other, and natural consequences in place.

And if this third attempt doesn't pan out? Even if you still love him? You accept love alone is not enough. And you expect yourself to break up with him for good knowing that at least you tried really hard.

But stick with the plan.

If it needs to be a break up after a third attempt? Don't let your soft feelings for him drag things on and on.

Love alone is not enough to make a sustainable relationship. There's has to be other things. Shared values, common interests respectful treatment, and more.

And yes, he may have changed since you first met him. But if after 3 attempts it is still not enough changes to make being in a relationship with him stable and worthwhile? End it.

I know it's easier to end it when it's "miles apart" rather than "so close, but still not enough." Yet it really doesn't do anyone any good to keep dragging out or bang heads on wall about it. And you can't be a doormat. You HAVE to take care of you.

I must admit I've kind of lost myself this past year, haven't been taking care of myself, and haven't been doing what brings me joy.

I think you could put you first then. Take better care of you. Do the things that bring you joy.

I hope your counseling appointments go well and you are able to work on your personal boundaries and personal dating standards with your counselor.

GL!
Galagirl