New and Scared

How long were you gone? I know you struggled at first. How was it last week? Wasn't that the period everybody was going to reflect and make their respective decisions? It doesn't look like anything has happened. It sounds like you're getting sucked back into a situation you don't want because of financial considerations.
 
Counseling. Do it. It sounds like you still have things to sort through and that will help you find clarity. We're 3 sessions in. I don't think our marriage will be saved, but at least we'll know why. Poly distracted us from the problems in our primary relationship that were bound to tear us apart if we didn't resolve them.

My husband lied to me too about how far their relationship had gone. He sent a picture of her and her kids to his MOTHER. He told his sister she was his "good friend" and that I had left him! He was lying TO EVERYONE. I feel I can never trust him again. I also feel I should have never trusted him to begin with, because his lies were bold-faced and unconscionable. He tells me sometimes, "I don't have a girlfriend." (Bill Clinton much? Hillary might have left too if he sent pictures of Monica to his family!)

Now I think I'm just in the way. Although he says he will fight for the house and the kids, I think he will dance off into the sunset to be with her, which is actually something I can accept, at this point, because he really will be happier, and so will I. No more living a lie!

Bangel, all situations are different, and I hope you find some peace in yours.
 
dinged, I guess nothing had happened with people making decisions and I was only gone for a month. I guess nothing happens in such a short time.

Carma, I am sorry for where your marriage is going, but I hope you find peace soon, as well. We will be going to counselling in the near future. Brynn got a number for a new therapist and will go to her first to find out what she is like. Then I will start going with her. I hope to learn more from this.
 
Latest update. I have been home for more than two months and things just keep getting more uncomfortable by the day. It seems they are now making plans with each other without her even talking to me about them. Brynn says she does not want to say anything to me until she knows the plans are set, because of how upset I get about it.

I am thinking I am not cut out for what she wants. Brynn is now telling me that if she cannot be with both of us, she does not want to be with either of us.

I feel so stuck and so angry.

We did go away for the weekend, and it was great, probably because there were no outside influences. We are now back home and I feel the anxiety again. I am just waiting for the next time she asks if she can see him.

I probably made a mistake last week when they both took the day off together. These were the plans I did not know about until the last minute. Before I left for work, I knew she had the day off. I did not know he did, too. I asked if she would like me to take a half day and take her out for lunch. That is when I found out about the plans.

When I got home from work they were both upstairs together. I decided to go up and see Brynn. That did not go well. She got so mad at me and did not talk to me for the rest of the night.

I do not know what to do anymore. Do I give an ultimatum? Do I just leave? I feel I have always bent to her wants and needs, and she has not done the same for me. I just feel so lost and uncertain anymore. Please help.
 
I am sorry to hear things are going badly still. I don't have time to reread to make sure I have the facts straight, so I can't think of a lot to suggest. But I wonder if you've tried making a schedule. Say she will only make plans with him on T/Th/Sat or something, so you can go on the assumption they will have plans, and if it doesn't work out, then she won't have plans. Then ask for M/W/F for you, and you don't have to worry about her making plans on those days. Some variation of that might work, with some negotiation among you all. Then at least you'll know which days you don't have to stress about what the plan is.

If she is not willing to negotiate something like this (even a compromise that favors one of you heavily, but some compromise ability is a must in any healthy situation that involves more than one human being)... well, if a partner weren't willing to compromise with me, I would not see much of a future in the relationship.

Did you start counseling?
 
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Bangel said:
I feel I have always bent to her wants and needs, and she has not done the same for me. I just feel so lost and uncertain...
Click to expand...

Speaking from some experience, I'm sorry to say, it sounds to me like you're getting hedged out by the other two. And for how terrible things seem to be going for you emotionally, which is to say your needs are not being met or fully addressed, this ultimately may be the healthiest course of action for you, if you're being forced into a relationship model that actually does not provide you any fulfilment or comfort, or worse, one where your input is not welcomed or respected, then do yourself a favour and get out.

There's no "I" is polyamory, but there is in Interpersonal, Intimacy and Informed.
 
I can just hear the pain in your posts, Bangel. I don't have any suggestions to offer but just wanted you to know that your pain is heard and acknowledged.
 
I'm so sorry you are hurting. If it's become unbearable, then it might be time to say goodbye. It doesn't sound like anyone is benefiting from this continuing as it is.
 
Sorry to hear about your situation, Bangel. For me, it comes down to a simple question: is it worth it? If not, be your own primary and protect yourself.
 
I'm very sorry to hear things are getting worse. Perhaps your return was construed as something it was not. You don't have to settle. You shouldn't settle. Trust me, life is too short to live any amount of time in pain and anxiety. You know what feels good, or right, and you know what feels bad and wrong. Go find the good and the right fit. This might never really work for you, no matter how much time, therapy, behavior modification techniques are used.

Trust your gut on this.

The numbers actually work in your favor. Millions and millions of women want to be the sole focus of their partner's romantic interest. Go find one of those.
 
Hi Bangel. I'm sorry for you. I can relate, somewhat. We're living under the same roof, while my husband carries on his wild romance with his gf. I've realized that our marriage is over. It may have worked differently if Sun had been more honest with both me and his gf, but it took the course it took, and that's that.

We have hired attorneys, and are working on a dissolution of our marriage.

It is so hard to see him come and go every day. My ego has a hard time knowing he has chosen her over me.

But I have chosen myself over HIM! I can't be the woman he wants and needs right now, and I cannot accept things as they are/were/would likely continue to be in this relationship. I can't believe how much personal growth and transformation I have experienced since he started seeing her, sadly, most of it through excruciating pain.

An interesting thing just happened over the weekend. I had a revelation. I need to look at Sundance as a brother, instead of a husband or a lover. My entire perspective has shifted. I feel more loving towards him than I have in months. I'm kind of playing tricks on my brain. It seems to be working. (I'm going to post some of this on my blog, too.)

Hugs, Bangel. I hope things work out for you soon.
 
Well, it is official. We will be getting a divorce. She cannot be with just one of us. It is all or nothing for her, and since I cannot get my head and heart around this, she has decided to call our marriage quits. It is hard and hurts very much knowing I cannot make this better for her.

Also the man upstairs is moving out. We are all going our separate ways. It is sad knowing that something so good has to end this way, but we all have to follow what are hearts are telling us. We have not started any of the divorce proceedings yet, and really haven't talked about it at all, except that she wants to go our separate ways.

I want to thank all of you for our concern and words of advice and encouragement. You have all been so nice when dealing with me and my situation. I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me. THANK YOU ALL!!!
 
I'm very sorry your marriage is ending. I hope that process goes smoother then the lead up to it. I know you're hurt and depressed and possibly apathetic, but you need to separate those feels from the business of divorce.

"She decided... she wants... she needs..." You need to stand up for what's fair and what YOU want. Don't hurt yourself further by rolling over because the pain makes you not care right now. Wait, if you have to.

Good luck in the future.
 
So sorry, Bangel.

My marriage is ending too. I moved out last week. It's so weird. I thought I would be the one who could share, but I couldn't. Well, not with his lying, anyway.

One thing I learned through this is that I was not happy in my marriage. I swept a lot of things under the rug, always just trying to "look at the bright side." Guess what? It's a lot brighter here in my new house!

I hope you will go on to a good life. My heart goes out to you.
 
I have been reading this thread for the last few days. So much to learn, and so depressing to read. It reminded me of how grateful I must be for what I have and how fragile happiness can be!

Carma and Bangel, I hope and pray that life will turn better for both of you in the near future. Thank you both for sharing.
 
It has been over a year since I last posted or even been on the site. Here is the update.

We have not gotten a divorce yet, but I did move out again in December. Brynn continues to see him and me. They started a sexual relationship about a month after I moved out. She has also started to spend the nights at Brody's house, as well.

There is almost no communication about this unless I ask, and then it usually starts some sort of fight between us. This is just becoming so tiring. She gave me a letter a few weeks ago that was addressed to both me and him, which basically said her choice was both of us and that we needed to make our choice of if we wanted to stay or leave.

Maybe I am just holding onto something from the past and need to learn to let it go. I told her that I would stay and fight for us because I still believe in us. I love her so much and it is hard to let go of your heart. Things just seem so unbalanced now. I have no idea of what she is doing from day to day. I have no insight to her life. She is living two separate lives and the two will seem to never meet. I feel for her and her heart. She hurts so I hurt.

I did try going on some dates, but I just felt worse, like I was cheating on her, even though nothing happened. I could not have any connection with them at all. They were nice people, but I still want my wife.

I feel guilty. Should I? I feel lost in the shuffle.
 
So at this point in time--

  • You and Brynn have been at this and struggling for a bit over 2 years.
  • You and she have not filed for divorce.
  • You and she live apart.
  • She has given you and Brody (your former best friend; how's your relationship with him?) a letter saying she wants be with both of you, and if you are not willing/able to participate that way, then you could choose to leave.

So you seem to be at a new assessment point in your life.


Are you willing to participate in a polyship and enter it with joy in your heart?

No. You don't seem to be willing. You are wondering if you should leave and let it go.​

Are you able to participate in polyship and enter with joy in your heart?

No. You don't seem to be able to, at this time.​
​
  • Is it from a personal limitation, and you need a change of mind, belief, heart, or outlook to become more able?
  • Is it from a lack of support from your poly-people, and you need a change in their support level to become more able?
    Is it from a lack of interpersonal or intrapersonal skills, in you, or the in the others, and you need to grow them to become more able to polyship well together?
  • Is it from a a combo of things?
​
I do notice you have spent a long time now struggling. You are two years in and kinda "surviving" in this polyship, but not exactly THRIVING in it.​

Are you thinking of choosing to stay in it because you enjoy polyshipping?

No. You don't seem to enjoy this. It seems more because you are holding out for her to change her mind and return to "just us" (you + her). You call it "fighting for us," but you aren't actually fighting for "us." There's an "us" already in your V.​
​
You seem to be fighting and hanging on to that hope for an eventual "just us" shape that you want with her, that she does not want to participate in. Limit reached.​
​
It seems like you cannot imagine life without her and the future seems scary. Yet you are starting to think of letting go of wanting "just us," because things have become more than tiresome for you, hanging on to that want.​

Is that where this is at? If so, I'm sorry you continue to suffer. :(

You do sound like you are progressing toward acceptance, though, and working on your "I am willing to let go of that want."

In time, the "I am able to let go" could follow, if you choose to cultivate that. I would suggest doing that.

What that means for the polyship, only you know.

But if you are not willing/able to be in a polyship like this and enjoy doing it, you could change something, either how the polyship runs, or within yourself, or being in this V at all.

Signing up for more of this with no changes is choosing to continue to suffer same old thing, different day. You could choose to not do that. Could refuse to stay in this form of relationship. You could agree to be friends, maybe, but not stay in a relationship form that doesn't bring you joy.

If you are not ready to consider "freedom to start new relationships," then maybe consider "freedom from tiresomeness and suffering" at this time, like a smaller step in the process. You could not rush into dating other people right now, not biting off more than you can chew. Heal first. Only take on portions you can handle one thing at a time.

Get on with the work of "UN-suffering" and do the things that move you closer to that "willing and able to let go" place. Start by telling her "No, thank you. I decline your offer to carry on like this. I love you, but I don't love this shape. I'd rather work on being friends and loving you in a shape I can deal with."

It's up to you what you want to choose next for yourself. How could people help support as you consider your options at this point in time?
 
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Her letter pretty much lays the bottom line out for you. Your choice is acceptance of sharing or choosing to leave.

It may not be the choices you want, but those are the choices. In every change that comes in a relationship, both people have to choose. She has made her choice. Now it is your turn to make yours. I realize it is a painful choice. Either way you go, you lose something. But dragging it out is cruel to you as well as to Brynn and Brody.

We embarked on our polyship in September, 2009. At that point, Maca (my husband) was vehemently against it. He loves me. I love him. But like you, he adamantly did not want to share. Here's the thing he figured out. Even if I agreed to never see GG again, Maca would never be able to stop the reality existing that I DO love both of them.

We separated twice, once for over a year. We even filed divorce paperwork. At one point our son looked Maca in the face and said, "Dad, we are family. You need to just get over it. Just like me and *brother*. It doesn't matter what the fight is about. You are wrong to hold a grudge and make everyone miserable. That isn't a compromise, or love."

Out of the mouth of a 5-year old, the lesson he had pressed so hard on the kids (stepbrother, stepsister and half brother).

Maca decided there was truth to that. So he returned. But he tried to get in an edge, a dig, little rude remarks. During every disagreement, he tossed GG in my face. Still not healthy.

Then Galagirl wrote something in my blog here, asking when did the punishment end and real life begin? I asked Maca to read it.

Here's the bottom line in that: he can't have what he wants, because it doesn't exist. Me loving only him doesn't exist. Me loving him AND someone else does exist. He can choose to accept me for who I am, as I am, or he can leave. I love more than one person. That is who I am, and he can't change that.

It sounds to me like you are in much the same place. You don't like the choices, so you are fighting for an option that doesn't exist. But that is wasting your time; it is wasting YOUR LIFE.

Whether with them or not, when do you decide that YOU deserve to go on with life and enjoy it?

What was before, is no longer. Like losing your legs. Gone. Do you sit in bed screaming and railing at the unfairness of it? Yes, most people would do for a time. But when do you accept that you can learn to enjoy life without legs, or waste away?

The ball is in your court. Accept her for who she is and stay, learning to embrace the new dynamic. Stop railing against it and bemoaning the fairness or unfairness of life. Or move on.

Simplified to my dad's crude words-- shit or get off the pot. But stop complaining about how it works.
 
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