New and Scared

Max

New member
Hey Everyone,

looking for any advice or anyone to weigh in on my new/tough situation, as I’ve been kind of a mess lately. please bare with me, here’s my story....



so I recently found myself entering a polyamorous relationship, not necessarily by choice of my own, but of my partner.
I’ve been with Natalie for 2.5 years now. I live in Canada and her in the States. We were doing the long distance thing for the first 2 years. I travel for work as a full time musician , so we’d travel back and forth To visit eachother in between my tours. It was tough at times only seeing eachother for short periods but we’ve made it work. Earlier this year, I made the next step and moved in with her on the east coast. We were finally getting ready to start a new chapter of our lives together, but then COVID hit in March and we decided to get out of the east coast until things calmed down. I went back to Canada and she went back to the west coast to stay with family. We knew it was gonna suck, but we’ve been used to the long distance thing so were ready to stick it out.



So in June, Natalie approached me about seeing other ppl while spending all this time apart. We’ve discussed in the past about being open to casually see other ppl when apart, having someone join us, ect. but never acted on it, until now.
I was all for this, as for me, I’m ok with if it’s just casual and just sex. I’m not jealous at the thought of her sleeping with someone else. I hung out with some ppl casually and She was hanging out with one guy casually but things ended with him after he got weird and attached. During this whole time, she was spending a lot of time with her friend Mark, as they shared a lot of hobbies and he was coming out of a bad relationship himself. Shortly after the fling with the weird guy ended , she told me that her and Mark starting hooking up. I was a little surprised at first as I thought of him as just the close friend.



so finally this summer, after over 4 months apart, we decided to meet back on the east coast but it was to be a bittersweet reunion. We decided that we have to give up our apartment because we’ve both been out of work due to covid and no clue when our line of work will resume. (She’s in entertainment as well)

so we reunited excited to see each other again but crushed about having to give up our apartment and chance of taking our next step together. What a cruel tease it was.



As we reunited, Natalie told me that things have gotten serious with her and Mark. They really fell for each other. Natalie then proposed that she wants us both to be her boyfriend. As soon as she said those words, I felt my world fall apart. I suffer from bad anxiety and right away this news drove my head in a million directions. It was a shock to me and I immediately saw this as a threat to our relationship.



Here we were, taking the next step in our relationship only to have it taken away from us and having to go back to a long distance relationship only this time it’s polyamorous where Natalie and Mark are basically going to be living together and I’m long distance. among the many thoughts running inside my head, my initial being very doubtful this can work, especially with the position I have in this , I just felt like I’m going to be replaced. After many long talks, being honest about everything, Natalie has reassured Me she still wants me in her life and wants to make this arrangement work, whatever it’s going to take. I’m still trying to see if I will have what it takes to pursue this, I’m doing this for her cuz I can’t picture her not in my life and she feels the same.



the next step was to see how the 3 of us can coexist and what’s it like to be together. I spoke on the phone with Mark a few times and he seems like a very nice guy who really has fallen for Natalie and emphasizes how hard my situation in All this is, and how new this is for the 3 of us. We all spoke about how to do this, signs of affection, sleeping arrangements, times Natalie would spend with each of us, ect.



he came out to stay with us for a week last month and to be honest, it was one of the hardest weeks of my life. All these insecurities I’ve never had, came to life. I tortured myself with My anxiety and just watching how they interacted, killed me inside. she seemed so up and happy with him while I felt I was the one bringing the mood down cuz I’m having trouble adjusting. But then there were also a few times where Mark had freakouts openly. I would go for a walk if I was feeling crappy and uncomfortable, but he handled his emotions a little more dramatically in front of us. Needless to say, this trial of seeing if the 3 of us can comfortably hang together wasn’t too successful. 3 of us had long talks and realized we maybe need to separate things a little more moving forward. We’re all on the same page with Communication and all want to get to a place where we can just be comfortable. Although I know he has a much easier place in all this than I do . They have that fresh energy together, she is going back west where their relationship will only progress, and i have to be to the one trying to adapt to this huge change all while being long distance.



this is all still very new for us , so there’s a lot to learn and experience. Has anyone on here been in a similar poly situation? Dealing with long distance? Dealing with your partner wanting to bring someone new in?



sorry if this was very long, but I hope I painted the scenario well enough for everyone to weigh in with thoughts, advice ,anything on how to proceed with this situation or can relate to what I’m going through ?



any questions are welcome please!



Thank you !!
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Sigh. I mean this kindly, ok?

so I recently found myself entering a polyamorous relationship, not necessarily by choice of my own, but of my partner.

What do you mean not by your own choice? You sound like you are choosing to throw yourself under the poly bus because you think dealing with that is easier than dealing with a break up.

Why are you doing this type of relating if you are not happy doing it?

Here we were, taking the next step in our relationship only to have it taken away from us and having to go back to a long distance relationship only this time it’s polyamorous where Natalie and Mark are basically going to be living together and I’m long distance. among the many thoughts running inside my head, my initial being very doubtful this can work, especially with the position I have in this , I just felt like I’m going to be replaced. After many long talks, being honest about everything, Natalie has reassured Me she still wants me in her life and wants to make this arrangement work, whatever it’s going to take. I’m still trying to see if I will have what it takes to pursue this, I’m doing this for her cuz I can’t picture her not in my life and she feels the same.

This sounds like you all are doing poly not from a "joyful yes" or because you love doing poly or are excited about poly.

But because BOTH of you are avoiding breaking up. Maybe trying to use poly as the bandaid. Is that true?

Do you think this is a healthy way of going?

he came out to stay with us for a week last month and to be honest, it was one of the hardest weeks of my life. All these insecurities I’ve never had, came to life. I tortured myself with My anxiety and just watching how they interacted, killed me inside. she seemed so up and happy with him while I felt I was the one bringing the mood down cuz I’m having trouble adjusting. But then there were also a few times where Mark had freakouts openly. I would go for a walk if I was feeling crappy and uncomfortable, but he handled his emotions a little more dramatically in front of us. Needless to say, this trial of seeing if the 3 of us can comfortably hang together wasn’t too successful. 3 of us had long talks and realized we maybe need to separate things a little more moving forward. We’re all on the same page with Communication and all want to get to a place where we can just be comfortable. Although I know he has a much easier place in all this than I do . They have that fresh energy together, she is going back west where their relationship will only progress, and i have to be to the one trying to adapt to this huge change all while being long distance.

And do you WANT to be doing that? Dealing with LDR and adjusting to poly that you don't really want to be doing but are doing so as not to break up?

sorry if this was very long, but I hope I painted the scenario well enough for everyone to weigh in with thoughts, advice ,anything on how to proceed with this situation or can relate to what I’m going through ?

I could be wrong, But I am concerned you are not participating here from a joyful place. But more like going through the motions to avoid. Is that true?

There's always some transition time -- where the old normal is gone, and the new normal is not here yet. It goes easier if you love to do poly and it you really want to be here doing it. But if you are mainly choosing to participate here to avoid thinking about a break up because you cannot imagine life without her? That doesn't sound like making choices from a healthy place, or looking out for your own well being very well.

I suggest you do some soul searching and be super honest with yourself about why you are here, and why you want to be doing this.

Galagirl
 
I’ve been kind of a mess lately. I recently found myself entering a polyamorous relationship, not necessarily by my choice, but that of my partner. I’ve been with Natalie for 2.5 years now. I live in Canada and she is in the States. We were doing the long distance thing for the first 2 years.

I travel for work as a full time musician. We’d travel back and forth to visit each other, in between my tours. It was tough at times, only seeing each other for short periods, but we made it work. Earlier this year, I took the next step and moved in with her, on the east coast. We were finally getting ready to start a new chapter of our lives together. But then COVID hit. We decided to leave the east coast until things calmed down. I went back to Canada, and she went back to the west coast to stay with family.

In June, Natalie approached me about seeing other people, while spending all this time apart. We’d discussed in the past, being open to casually seeing others when we were apart, or having someone join us, etc., but we'd never acted on it, until now.
I was all for this. I’m OK with if it’s just casual sex. I’m not jealous at the thought of her sleeping with someone else.

I hung out with some people casually. She was hanging out with one guy casually, too, but things ended with him after he got weird and attached.

During this time, she was spending a lot of time with her friend Mark, as they shared a lot of hobbies. He was coming out of a bad relationship. Shortly after the fling with the weird guy ended, she told me that she and Mark had starting hooking up. I was a little surprised at first, as I thought of him as just a close friend of hers.

All of this makes sense though. If two adults start hanging out together a lot, it's no uncommon, if they are of the right genders, to become sexually attracted. Love and sex go hand-in-hand. It's actually very difficult for many people to have casual sex. The "weird guy" who got attached after having sex with Natalie... it's not weird to become attached after sex. But maybe he was weird in other ways. I think it's more weird to break up with someone when you "get the feels" for them, just because it's "supposed to be casual" only. That hurts!

Finally, this summer, after over 4 months apart, we decided to meet back on the east coast, but it was to be a bittersweet reunion. We decided that we had to give up our apartment, because we’ve both been out of work due to Covid, and had no clue when our line of work would resume. (She’s in entertainment, as well.) So we reunited, excited to see each other again, but crushed about having to give up our apartment and the chance of taking our next step together.

That does sound hard.

Natalie told me that things had gotten serious with her and Mark. She then proposed that she wanted us both to be her boyfriends. As soon as she said those words, I felt my world fall apart. I suffer from bad anxiety, and right away this news drove my head in a million directions. It was a shock to me and I immediately saw this as a threat to our relationship.

Here we were, taking the next step in our relationship, only to have it taken away from us, having to go back to a long distance relationship. Only this time it’s polyamorous. Natalie and Mark are basically going to be living together and I’m a long distance away.

I was very doubtful that this would work, especially with the position I have in this. I just felt like I’m going to be replaced. After many long talks, Natalie has reassured me that she still wants me in her life, and wants to make this arrangement work, whatever it’s going to take. I’m still trying to see if I will have what it takes to pursue this. I’m doing this for her, because I can’t picture her not being in my life. And she feels the same.

It's quite common for poly people to have some lovers that are long distance, and some that are closer-by. That is not necessarily hard (for some people), as long as everyone is on the same page. If you don't get enough attention, such as regular planned Skype/Zoom calls, where it's like a real date, maybe with sex and everything, you're not going to be happy. So, you need to speak up and be clear about your needs and desires.

The next step was to see how the 3 of us could coexist. I spoke on the phone with Mark a few times. He seems like a very nice guy. He emphasized how hard my situation is. We all spoke about how to do this: dealing with signs of affection, sleeping arrangements, times Natalie would spend with each of us, etc.

He came out to stay with us for a week last month. To be honest, it was one of the hardest weeks of my life. All these insecurities I’d never had before came to life. I tortured myself with my anxiety. Just watching how they interacted killed me inside. She seemed so up and happy with him, while I felt I was the one bringing the mood down, because I was having trouble adjusting.

But then there were also a few times where Mark had freak-outs, openly. I would go for a walk if I was feeling crappy and uncomfortable, but he handled his emotions a little more dramatically, in front of us.

Takeaway? Don't hang out as a threesome. At least, not yet. No one knows what they are doing. And there's no need to hang out with Mark.
Needless to say, this trial of seeing if the 3 of us could comfortably hang together wasn’t too successful. The 3 of us had long talks and we realized we maybe needed to separate things a little more, moving forward. We’re all on the same page with communication and want to get to a place where we can just be comfortable.

All this was not necessary. Metamours do not need to meet, hang out, live together, even for a few days, much less a week or full time. Watching your lover Natalie in another man's arms could understandably freak you out. And also it freaked him out. If you're coming from monogamy, basically, it was too much to see.

Even if you're an experienced polyamorist, you may never want to hang out with your meta. Often, the hinge in the V wishes for this. But quite often, the arms of the V don't like it one bit. It all depends on personality and priorities.

I know he has a much easier place in all this than I do. They have that fresh energy together. She is going back west where their relationship will only progress. I have to be to the one trying to adapt to this huge change, all while being a long distance away from Natalie.

Mark has to adapt too. He's coming from monogamy too, right? Also, he might feel you have more power, since you've been with N for 2.5 years. But yeah, they have NRE and can date irl, both of which are fun. At least, the first part of a relationship is fun. But keep in mind, they still may not work out. There is no way of knowing that. You and N, however, have stood the test of some time. But maybe you and she won't work out either, if your LDR just seems like too much to handle, for either of you. This will take some real commitment.

Has anyone on here been in a similar poly situation, dealing with long distance, dealing with your partner wanting to bring someone new in? This was very long, but I hope I painted the scenario well enough for everyone to weigh in with thoughts, advice, anything on how to proceed with this situation. Can anyone relate to what I’m going through?

Lots of us have been where you are, in one way or another. Personally, I really dislike LDRs. I'd rather have no relationship than an unfulfilling one, where I can't touch the person regularly.

Please read the book Opening Up.
 
Greetings Max,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would suggest that you make it your top priority to reduce the physical distance between you and Natalie. For the kind of setup she wants, the ideal solution would be for you and Mark to live in separate domiciles a short distance from each other. Then Natalie could alternate sleeping first at your place, then at Mark's place, rinse and repeat. The three of you lived together for a week (last month); how was that possible when you and Natalie are long distance from each other? You don't want to break up with Natalie, and are willing to go to great pains to keep the relationship going. Eliminating the long distance factor, to me, should be one of those pains. Like yes it's hard, but try everything possible to make it happen.

Of course, when I say that, I don't take into account Covid-19, nor the fact that Canada (understandably) does not want its citizens mingling with those of the United States right now. You seem to be able to bypass that problem, so that's why I was kind of ignoring it. If Natalie can live on the west coast, couldn't the three of you live (in two separate domiciles) on the west coast? even if you just had some tiny studio apartment, it seems like it would be a better situation than what you now have. It would be a situation where you wouldn't have to fear that Mark has a super advantage over you because he lives close to her and you don't. I can actually understand why you would worry that maybe Mark will replace you.

If you could add some more details to your story, I'll try to think of some more advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Hey Max,
This shit's rough. You're going to hit this wall where you're going to have to decide if this is worth it. Then you're going to hit it again, and again, and again. I've only been at this since April and I still hit that wall some days. My answer to that question is yes but, everyone's different. I can tell you that shits gotten a whole lot easier as time has gone on. This other dude may just be a phase or a future heartache for her later on while what you have is more permanent. Who can tell? Have you thought about finding someone else as well. As I'm finally finding a partner for myself I'm also finding there's things that used to shred me down to my soul that don't fuck me up so bad anymore. Every situation is different. My wife went on 4 dates this week with 4 different people (it's nowhere as easy for the dude. Sorry). A month or two ago that would have crushed me, but now that I'm seeing someone I'm more annoyed at being left home with the kids than that she's way more successful at dating than me or that she's spending time with other people. It can be real cool sometimes and it can be real uncool others. Do some research, set some boundaries with the expectation of working to get past them. I went through something similar but also way different. It's floating around this site somewhere if you're curious how that all went down. I find writing about it to be helpful. Hope this was helpful to you.
 
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