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maxie

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm 32 and from Germany, new to polyamory and struggling a bit at the moment with all the changes in my relationships that have been going on over the past few months. I've been in a relationship with the same partner for almost 10 years now. We've been living together for 9 of them. The relationship was monogamous until recently, with the exception of queerplatonic relationships that are still going on.

What's new is that we have both been starting to get romantically involved with other people over the past few months. It's been going really well. Only today I have suddenly felt very sad and lonely. My long-term partner T. has been in nearly constant contact on his phone with his new partner since starting his relationship with someone new. And the person I am involved with also has a long-term partner of many years to whom they are married, and naturally there's a lot more commitment and time spent together than with me.

Then there's the queerplatonic relationships with two people who are also closer with each other than they are to me. I have suggested spending time together today, as I often do, and I am often met with very sparse or no replies, or kept waiting for hours with no response anymore, even after having said yes to it, which is what happened today. It took me by surprise how hurt I was about it.

(All of this is online. I have yet to meet all these people, except for T, who I've been living with. But our relationship started online too, so I take those relationships very seriously. I've known these people for years and grown very close to them.)

I have also made many attempts to bond with T's new partner on a friendship basis, and often directly said I'd like to get to know him better, but we only ever talk if I make the first step.

In the midst of all of this, a lot of insecurities are coming up. I feel the only time anyone prioritizes spending time with me is when I'm not feeling well. They are all very supportive, kind and empathetic people, but today I can't help but feel a bit like I'm somewhere forgotten in the middle, whereas everybody else has their person they spend a lot of time with (though I can only assume this, in some cases).

I'm also wondering if this line of thinking still comes from having been monogamous for a long time and being used to not having to share that much of my partner's time and attention. That is why I'm hesitant to bring this up to the people involved. I also don't want them to feel pressured to spend time with me if that is not what they want, and am just feeling a bit lost how to approach this situation.

I came here looking for advice who are more experienced in polyamory and also to find a community in general, that is apart from the one I've been talking about, because I feel like I need a place to discuss these things and learn from people who I'm not in any kind of relationship with, which can make things very complicated sometimes.

If someone took the time to read all this, thank you and I'd be very happy about responses!
 
Can I ask you to use nicknames to differentiate the people? It works better than just initials or descriptions. It's less confusing for your readers.

Tom, your nesting partner of 10 years
Taz, Tom's new partner
Aden, your new partner
Cas and Charlie, your queer-platonic partners

Let me ask you some questions.

How long has it been since you and Tom opened your relationship and started to date?
Did you do much research into how it all works before you both started dating?
How long has Tom been dating Taz? Have they met in real life?
How long have you been dating Aden? Have you met them irl?
Cas and Charlie, are they real life partners, but you only know them online?
 
That's a good suggestion, thank you, I can imagine that it was confusing to read. I will just use the ones you used then.

It has been four months now. Tom and I read a couple of books and talked a lot to Charlie, who has been poly for some years, before starting to date. We've been talking about opening our relationship for years now, and felt we were ready a couple of months ago, when Tom fell in love with Taz. So they have been dating for four months, as well. They have not met irl yet, but are making plans to.

Aden and I have known each other for a couple of years as friends, and then queerplatonic partners, and have been getting more intimate since Tom and I opened our relationship. We have not put the label of romantic partners on our relationship yet. We have been talking about romantic attraction, though. They have been living in an open relationship with their husband (I'll call him Ray) for years, but the step from open to poly was also made quite recently. Aden and I have not met irl yet.

Cas and Charlie have met irl, but they still live in different parts of the UK and don't see each other often. They have struggled finding a label for their relationship that fits, but have agreed on queerplatonic partners, as well. I haven't met them irl yet, but we're currently making plans for the whole group to meet up this year and spend a week together.
 
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Which books have you read? We have a list of resources here:


There are articles, books and a podcast listed there. Generally, the most popular books are Opening Up and Polysecure.

I am just getting from your post that you're feeling uneasy because your relationship with Tom has changed, and the "new normal" isn't here yet. So you'll feel awkward for a while. That's okay. You are probably grieving the loss of your old relationship and looking to see what it will now shape up to be, as a poly relationship.

I understand people can make deep relationships over time that are completely or mostly online. For me, they don't work because I really need frequent touch and other in-person type contact with lovers.

Do you have any irl friends or dating prospects? It sounds like you're unsure that Cas and Charlie can offer much of what you need.

Part of detangling (addressed, I think, in the first article on our resource list), is making yourself your own primary. Going out and doing things with friends or on your own (not with your formerly mono partner) can be empowering.

Aden is new to poly. Asexual? Are you okay with dating someone who doesn't offer sex? Both of these areas (new to poly, asexual) seem to be problematic.

There are a lot of moving parts here. It seems like you're having trouble knowing where you stand with almost everyone.
 
You could make a few requests to your partners.
- Ask your nesting partner if they are willing to spend some more offline time with you. Either scheduled date nights, or just put away their phone for those 30 minutes while you have dinner together (or some other time they can agree to). It's a perfectly reasonable request. I'd be honest with them that messaging all the time has been slightly disruptive and you're feeling disconnected.
- If you do need answers from CC (like answer to a question such as "ok, what time do we meet for the voice chat?", ask them if they are willing to respond sooner, so that your scheduling isn't blocked by that.

Try to make scheduled together-time a habit before you actually go on dating irl.
 
Thank you for your replies, they were really helpful!

The list of resources looks great, I will definitely check some of it out. I have read Opening Up, Polysecure, The Ethical Slut and am currently reading The Polyamory Paradox. Also Nonviolent Communication to improve my communication with Tom before we started opening our relationship.

I would say we have established good communication and I did tell Tom about how I felt last night and he was very understanding and has agreed to spending more quality time with me where he's not on his phone. He also agrees with me that from his perspective too, it is very often me who approaches people and tries to bring everyone together within that whole constellation. He also talked about it with Taz and even they have noticed that, despite being new to the group.

Taz also approached me this morning to check in with me and I could see that they were really trying to have a longer conversation with me, which felt nice.

I think what you said is true that it does still feel awkward and I don't know where I stand with each person individually but also in the dynamics of the whole group. I can feel that we all truly care deeply about each other and that each person cares for me individually but sometimes my insecurities get the best of me and I feel like "the odd one out".

I was very emotional yesterday when I wrote the first post and have since realised that this feeling could also stem from being reminded of a similar dynamic from my High School time, when I only had toxic friendships where I actually was the person who was often not included or used.

I'm very introverted and have always formed any long-lasting friendships online first. I am currently trying to form new friendships this way with people who live closer by joining a German roleplaying group.

I have read the article about detangling and the "Are you in poly hell?" one today and have found them very helpful. I think it will help me to do things on my own or find friends with whom I can do some of the things we used to do as a group. Everyone elses work life has gotten very demanding and I can see now that when my requests are turned down, they may simply not have the time and energy to engage in the same hobbies and activities with me as we once did and it probably isn't personal.

I will still try to get a better understanding of where I stand with everybody, though and bring it up in our discord server when the time is right.

To the question about Aden, they are not asexual. We had a sexual relationship (or rather a power dynamic including that; our whole group is kinky, but I think Aden and I are currently engaging in it the most) before we talked about romantic feelings. I am okay with dating someone who doesn't offer sex, though. Tom is on the asexual spectrum and our sex (and kink) life is very irregular, with often months or years apart between sexual encounters, and I am fine with that. I just sometimes have problems with jealousy when his relationship with Taz does seem to include more sexuality, but we have talked at length about why it is easier for him to be sexual online.
 
Awesome! You've read a lot, and continue to read, and you seem to have some good insights, now, with a clearer head. Keep calm and carry on, as they say. :p
 
Thank you! That was very reassuring and it did go well at first, but last night Tom and I had an argument again and he told me that I have to learn to time it better when I come to him to voice my frustration about the new situation.

I have also had this come up with Aden, when I wrote them a rather long message while they were offline that led to a conversation that was tense and emotionally charged when they came back to check their messages, a conversation they told me later they would have preferred to have another time.

I understand that everyone is way more busy than I am and I'm trying to keep that in mind but sometimes sitting with my feelings of frustration feels overwhelming and I approach somebody with them despite knowing better (in the sense that I'm aware that it isn't a good time, like last night, when it was late and Tom had to get up early for work in the morning).

I'm hoping that somebody has advice what I could do to deal with these feelings of frustration, loneliness and fear and point out some other way than voicing them to the partner(s) they concern right away.

I've been thinking about keeping a diary and I've seen people writing blogs here but I'm unsure if this wouldn't feel the same in the sense that I would still sit alone with my feelings, but maybe it could help me process them and find out what is really worth mentioning and then approach the conversation with a clearer head and better timing.
 
Writing their thoughts and feelings out on a blog certainly helps some people, when you've got things that are overwhelming you in your head. But it depends on your personality. Sometimes some brisk exercise might work better (or in addition), or drawing/painting/squishing clay, etc., if you're artistic. My daughter who has BPD used to talk long fast walks, with music blasting in her ear, to calm down when she was a teen. I also love music for stress relief, and a hike in beautiful nature can feel centering and bring perspective. Others might prefer the gym, machines, or the pool. And calling a friend, if you have one that you know is understanding, is fantastic. You figure out what works for you.

Yes, it's a good idea not to dump everything on someone when they are tired, hungry, etc. Some people recommend actually scheduling a talk, although that can feel awful, like doom approaching, to some. Some people have regular check-in times, once a week, once a month, where they go over what is going well and what needs work.

You can write on a blog as if you're writing to one of your partners. That way you can fine tune how to express yourself. Some people's blogs seem all doom and gloom, when their relationships are actually quite good, because they vent anything bad that they're dealing with and forget to come back when things are going well. lol
 
Those look like good ideas, and I will definitely give them a try. Thank you! Going out into nature, exercise and a creative outlet are aspects that I have been neglecting and I can see that they would help me work through my feelings on my own better.

I think scheduling a talk might work with Aden, as we have done it before and it went well. Whereas with Tom, it might be better to have a regular check-in time. That's something I haven't thought of yet, but I can see it working very well, because it wouldn't have that feeling of doom approaching that you mentioned.

The blog to vent might also be a good idea, since as of now, I don't really have a place to vent. Sometimes I feel like I just need to give my feelings room and unfortunately, I have been doing that too much in direct conversation with the people I am involved with, when in hindsight, it wasn't always an issue that needed to be brought up, or at least not in this way.
 
maxie said:
I'm hoping that somebody has advice what I could do to deal with these feelings of frustration, loneliness and fear and point out some other way than voicing them to the partner(s) they concern right away.

I've been thinking about keeping a diary and I've seen people writing blogs here but I'm unsure if this wouldn't feel the same in the sense that I would still sit alone with my feelings, but maybe it could help me process them and find out what is really worth mentioning and then approach the conversation with a clearer head and better
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It helps me to think while taking a walk. The left/right is a type of EMDR that helps you process. Then go home and write a letter, not email or text, then wait until the emotions have settled. It may be 24 hours or more, then read what you wrote and reevaluate if that's what/how you want to say things. I usually find once my emotions are in check, I see how my emotions affect communicating my needs in a less helpful, sometimes more harmful way. Then rewrite the letter and give it to them to discuss AFTER making sure you have consent to have a deep conversation. That will prevent you from dropping this on your partner at a time when they can't deal with anything extra, or hear it, or be present.

I have learned that when I'm most hurt and most want to tell them how I feel or resolve an issue, the more I NEED to wait. Nothing good ever comes from those conversations. They cannot fix how you feel in that moment, because people don't magically say what you need to hear to feel better, and even if they do, it won't actually make you feel better in that moment, anyway. Let it process and then talk about it when you've emotionally recovered.
 
Hello maxie,

It sounds like the people in your life are/were somewhat neglecting you, and I don't know whether they even realize/d they are/were doing that. I suspect that they don't/didn't know how much you are/were hurting. I think it is okay to talk to them about these things. Keeping a blog here is also a good idea, as are taking a walk in nature and having a creative outlet. You've had good advice here so far, so I won't belabor things too much. Just know that I am here to help and support you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you @Bobbi that seems to be very helpful advice. I will try processing my feelings this way. I've done EMDR therapy and it has worked very well for me, but I don't quite understand how EMDR ties into it here. Do you mean the left/right of walking? I've only done eye-movement and tapping in therapy and didn't know just walking could have similar effects, if that is the case.

I agree with everything you said about letting it process, and I will combine that method of the hand-written letter with the advice I have already gotten of scheduling a time or doing regular check-ins. I feel more prepared to handle those situations now, with a plan how to go about them that fits my needs, but more importantly, also the ones of the people I want to bring the issue up with eventually.

@kdt26417 Hello, Kevin T. Thank you for offering your support. I wouldn't say they've been neglecting me per se. With some time to reflect and calm down, I now see that they lead very busy lives and have had a lot of extra things come up over the holidays, like family visits, for example. So I'm unsure if it was an active choice, or more a matter of having no time or spoons left. I can also see that I didn't accurately communicate before how much I wished for regular time together and frequent check-ins with each other, to get the feeling that I'm still part of their lives. I'm in the process of doing that, and have gotten very good advice here, but your kind words are still very much appreciated.
 
maxie said:
Do you mean the left/right of walking? I've only done eye-movement and tapping in therapy and didn't know just walking could have similar effects, if that is the case.
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Yes. It's about the bilateral movement. Walking is like the "lite" version, but it is still effective for processing everyday stressors. I wouldn't use walking for something like trauma. For me, I walked a lot in the beginning of my poly journey and it helped me process a lot. Even walking while talking to my partner helped us through some difficult conversations. It's a great way to do a check-in.
 
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