sloppyotter
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New & blowing up my life for Poly.
- Thread starter sloppyotter
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SlowPoly
Active member
I’m really, really sorry you’re going through this, and I mean this in the kindest way possible: Your friends are right that you need to leave the marriage and (if necessary) the parents. You need to do all that without the distraction of negotiating your first healthy relationship with M (please edit and give that person a name) or anyone else, and without trying to navigate a potential poly identity and multiple romantic relationships. It’s time to gather resources and knowledge, plan a safe exit, and execute the plan. Preferably with more therapy for you and (if/when necessary or appropriate) your child.
I’m really sorry this is your struggle, but you can do this, and there will be plenty of time and space for exploring loving relationships on the other side of all of that. I wish you the best.
Hello sloppyotter,
I've heard of people making moderate sacrifices for poly, but you've really gone the extra mile. I want to commend you for your courage and determination. I do think this is a necessary sacrifice for you to make. You don't want to blow up your marriage, but it is clear that you are not happy in it. And what are the lessons you are teaching your child if you stay in it? Will your child learn that the right thing to do in an abusive relationship is to stay in that relationship? or worse, will your child learn that it's okay to be the abuser? It's admirable that you are willing to make sacrifices for your child, but you should be mindful of which sacrifices will actually be helpful to your child.
Yes, you are thinking about sacrificing your marriage, and I am here to commend you for having the courage to consider that. You don't have to make that sacrifice for poly, you can just make that sacrifice for you and for your child. I'm sure leaving your husband will come with its challenges, but I think you'll find that you're stronger than you think, this is a sacrifice you can make, and be better off because of it. I urge you to leave your husband, he is not a positive influence in your life. If there's anything we on this forum can do to help, I hope you'll let us know. Be strong, you can do it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I've heard of people making moderate sacrifices for poly, but you've really gone the extra mile. I want to commend you for your courage and determination. I do think this is a necessary sacrifice for you to make. You don't want to blow up your marriage, but it is clear that you are not happy in it. And what are the lessons you are teaching your child if you stay in it? Will your child learn that the right thing to do in an abusive relationship is to stay in that relationship? or worse, will your child learn that it's okay to be the abuser? It's admirable that you are willing to make sacrifices for your child, but you should be mindful of which sacrifices will actually be helpful to your child.
Yes, you are thinking about sacrificing your marriage, and I am here to commend you for having the courage to consider that. You don't have to make that sacrifice for poly, you can just make that sacrifice for you and for your child. I'm sure leaving your husband will come with its challenges, but I think you'll find that you're stronger than you think, this is a sacrifice you can make, and be better off because of it. I urge you to leave your husband, he is not a positive influence in your life. If there's anything we on this forum can do to help, I hope you'll let us know. Be strong, you can do it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
sloppyotter
New member
Thank you. I'd like to clarify I don't want to jump into immediate relationships, but more so the realization of how bad I desire a future like that is making me realize I can't continue to lock myself into a marriage that forbids it forever. I don't want my baggage to harm anyone else and do not plan to pursue any serious relationships until I have restructured my life. The poly individual I refer to actually lives very far away from me and a relationship would be difficult to maintain anyways.
I have spoken to my support system about saving money and acquiring better paying work so as to make a safe exit from the relationship. I will be playing the long game, as painful as that feels right now it is what is smart for my situation.
I didnt put any names because I wanted to keep this as anonymous as possible because it's already a somewhat specific scenario, and I am afraid of what may happen if this all comes out. I am sorry if I missed a rule where I am required to provide a name. I am very new here and usually read poly forums on other platforms. I apologize.
I'm very sorry you have endured this.
I am glad you have a therapist in place.
You don't even know what being alone as an adult is yet.
Makes sense that being on your own seems scary.
Doesn't sound like the parent relationship is great, but remember you don't have to tell them who you date if you divorce.
Like... all the things don't have to happen all at once. You can wait to tell if you ever do tell.
Yup. Cuz it's not sounding great for the child here growing up in an abusive household either.
If this is their "normal" what kinds of WORSE abuse would they tolerate when they date? Or what if they become the new abuser doing these behaviors to someone?
Could take it one thing at a time. And depending on child's age, consider family therapy or individual therapy for them.
I know you are interested in M and they you. But if you leave this relationship you have a chance to give yourself what you didn't get yet. Time on your own, NOT dating, learning who you are as an individual standing on your own two feet.
You do not have to rush to be with M. Like leave one relationship to go be in another like you did before. You can choose to have a break in between if you want.
Rightly so. With abusers, the leaving time is the dangerous time. That whole "If I can't have you no one can!" thing.
I encourage you to talk to therapist about leaving safely. Can also check online resources like
www.thehotline.org
www.rainn.org
from a safe device to see about making a safe leaving plan. Just in case husband installed spyware to monitor what you do online. Maybe use a library computer or a trusted friend's device -- someone who would not tell him you are thinking about leaving.
I think this needs professionals to help you get organized.
Galagirl
I am glad you have a therapist in place.
Of course. You were in an abusive relationship with child's father at 18 and then this abusive relationship next.
You don't even know what being alone as an adult is yet.
Makes sense that being on your own seems scary.
Doesn't sound like the parent relationship is great, but remember you don't have to tell them who you date if you divorce.
Like... all the things don't have to happen all at once. You can wait to tell if you ever do tell.
Yup. Cuz it's not sounding great for the child here growing up in an abusive household either.
If this is their "normal" what kinds of WORSE abuse would they tolerate when they date? Or what if they become the new abuser doing these behaviors to someone?
Could take it one thing at a time. And depending on child's age, consider family therapy or individual therapy for them.
I know you are interested in M and they you. But if you leave this relationship you have a chance to give yourself what you didn't get yet. Time on your own, NOT dating, learning who you are as an individual standing on your own two feet.
You do not have to rush to be with M. Like leave one relationship to go be in another like you did before. You can choose to have a break in between if you want.
Rightly so. With abusers, the leaving time is the dangerous time. That whole "If I can't have you no one can!" thing.
I encourage you to talk to therapist about leaving safely. Can also check online resources like
Create Your Personal Safety Plan
Use our interactive safety planning tool to create your personal safety plan. This series of questions help survivors identify their options.
www.thehotline.org
National Sexual Assault Hotline: Confidential 24/7 Support | RAINN
RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available.
from a safe device to see about making a safe leaving plan. Just in case husband installed spyware to monitor what you do online. Maybe use a library computer or a trusted friend's device -- someone who would not tell him you are thinking about leaving.
I think this needs professionals to help you get organized.
Galagirl
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Not a rule, and no apology necessary. We just encourage the use of nicknames, like "Madrid" rather than M. Or Charlie when the real name is Steve. It's to help with reading comprehension, not to try and get any real identities. My husband and I aren't actually Adam and Eve ;-)
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Openbook23
Active member
This is all very hard, sorry. No one should be in an abusive relationship, and even if I give your husband the benefit of the doubt regarding drug use, it doesn't excuse all the other stuff. I'm not convinced that fentanyl would cause such behavior, but I don't want to get into that too much because it doesn't matter. You are deeply unhappy in your marriage, and as you say, that has nothing to do with poly. Being poly won't help, especially because your husband won't actually allow poly. Polyamory has to have room for loving another person. Your husband won't accept that, penis or not. I could rant all day about OPPs, but it's not particularly relevant here. You are trapped in a horrible marriage. Others have posted above about escape plans. It's good advice.
IF you go through with all of that, you should probably ask M for some space and support, rather than starting a relationship. You need to learn what it's like to live for yourself a bit and be your own person. Only then will you be in a good place to be in any relationship, much less poly. Poly takes an extra level of self-awareness and relationship skills. I'm certainly not saying you can't do it or that you aren't poly. I have no idea. I'm advising that you figure out how to be self-sufficient so that you can offer your best self in a relationship, should you choose to enter one.
Above all, though, stay SAFE. Do what you need to do for yourself and your child.
IF you go through with all of that, you should probably ask M for some space and support, rather than starting a relationship. You need to learn what it's like to live for yourself a bit and be your own person. Only then will you be in a good place to be in any relationship, much less poly. Poly takes an extra level of self-awareness and relationship skills. I'm certainly not saying you can't do it or that you aren't poly. I have no idea. I'm advising that you figure out how to be self-sufficient so that you can offer your best self in a relationship, should you choose to enter one.
Above all, though, stay SAFE. Do what you need to do for yourself and your child.
Welcome to our group. I hope we can help you, even if by just giving you a safe space to vent.
Madrid would be a good name for your friend, but you can choose another.
I wasn't sure if you had one child from an earlier "relationship," or also had other kids with your present abuser. (We could also use an anonymous nickname for him.) How long have you been with this prince of a guy? I highly recommend getting your ducks in a row to leave him, and also to start planning to find a place to live, no matter how small, away from your cultish parents.
I am deeply sympathetic to you for having had an abusive cult-like childhood. There are few things that sicken me more. So much abuse, especially of women, who end up believing they are completely powerless. That fact that you got out, but are still living in a situation where you are expected to be entirely submissive, even to a person who behaves in disgusting manner, is all too common.
Ex-cult members are also more prone to abusing substances.
Those things your abuser did when you were injured, pressing on your knee, and demanding bedding and meds and finally self-harming to get your attention! Disgusting.
I know it can take several tries to leave an abuser. You've been brainwashed by your childhood and those patterns run so fucking deep. I have heard others' stories. I often listen to the YouTube channel, Cults to Consciousness. Everyone interviewed there has a story in common with you, no matter in which cult in which they were raised. It can take years, but you can get out of this mindset and start living a free, authentic and safe life! Get all the help you need.
This whole thing is not really about polyamory, but I do want you to be safe.
Madrid would be a good name for your friend, but you can choose another.
I wasn't sure if you had one child from an earlier "relationship," or also had other kids with your present abuser. (We could also use an anonymous nickname for him.) How long have you been with this prince of a guy? I highly recommend getting your ducks in a row to leave him, and also to start planning to find a place to live, no matter how small, away from your cultish parents.
I am deeply sympathetic to you for having had an abusive cult-like childhood. There are few things that sicken me more. So much abuse, especially of women, who end up believing they are completely powerless. That fact that you got out, but are still living in a situation where you are expected to be entirely submissive, even to a person who behaves in disgusting manner, is all too common.
Ex-cult members are also more prone to abusing substances.
Those things your abuser did when you were injured, pressing on your knee, and demanding bedding and meds and finally self-harming to get your attention! Disgusting.
I know it can take several tries to leave an abuser. You've been brainwashed by your childhood and those patterns run so fucking deep. I have heard others' stories. I often listen to the YouTube channel, Cults to Consciousness. Everyone interviewed there has a story in common with you, no matter in which cult in which they were raised. It can take years, but you can get out of this mindset and start living a free, authentic and safe life! Get all the help you need.
This whole thing is not really about polyamory, but I do want you to be safe.
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