New Here - Exploring Polyamory After 21 Years of Monogamy

C

Curious_in_Baton_Rouge

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm new to this community and wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 42-year-old mother of four wonderful children, aged 13 to 19. My husband and I have been happily married for 21 years, and we are now exploring the idea of polyamory together.

After two decades of a monogamous marriage, we feel that this lifestyle might offer new dimensions to our relationship. However, we are quite new to this and are looking for guidance, support, and advice from those more experienced in the poly community.

Our first attempts at navigating the dating scene were quite overwhelming (the dating apps are SCARY!!!), and we're hoping to learn what a healthy, ethical, and fulfilling polyamorous relationship looks like. I am especially curious about how to balance these relationships with family life and how to ensure our children are comfortable and secure.

I am open to any advice or experiences you’re willing to share about:
  • Starting out in polyamory
  • Communicating effectively with each other and potential partners
  • Managing time and emotional energy between family and partners
  • Introducing the concept to children and helping them understand
Thank you for welcoming us into your community. I looking forward to learning and growing with your support.
 
Greetings Curious_in_Baton_Rouge,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

We are glad to offer you guidance, support, and advice, just let us know what kind of help you need. You should definitely take some time to explore Polyamory.com, there is so much to learn here. And let us know whenever questions arise for you.

The most important thing in polyamory (next to mutual consent) is communication. Quality and quantity. Learn as much as you can about how to communicate well, and get lots of practice. NVC is a good place to start. Beware of assumptions, they make an ass out of u and me.

When you have kids, you have to make sure they are comfortable and secure. Usually you have to come out to your kids, they are so good at observation and are likely to get their own ideas if you don't explain the situation to them. Usually they are okay as long as their own needs are met, although older kids may be more influenced by monogamous conditioning.

In most successful polycules, there is a group calendar that everyone can look at and add to. Be aware that love is an abundant resource ... but time, money, and energy are limited resources. Be careful not to use up your resources on any one partner/family member. Also you need to set aside time for yourself.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Take your time! Couples who are more likely to be successful spend at least a year learning and changing their own relationship before actually starting to date. Read together, discuss all points that are brought up in your reading. Be honest. It's okay if you disagree on how each of you want to do poly but it's important to know each other's thoughts and styles.

You will have inner work to do over misaligned values in dating. Maybe one wants to hook up on a first date (if they are feeling it, if course) and wants more casual relationships. Maybe the other needs more of an emotional connection first and wants deep loving selationships. Both are valid but it may bring up feelings you'll need to work on.

Learn as much as you can, talk, think about and learn more. Be prepared for your mind to change many times as you go along and even after you start dating and again as you form relationships. It's constant work if you do it well.

Get a poly friendly therapist. Having that support and outlet as you work through some tough changes is invaluable. If you bring a therapist along for the ride you'll have better success and a better relationships for it.

You are currently in a monogamous relationship that has to end to create a new, polyamorous relationship. You'll have to realize that and mourn the loss of what you had, the plans for the future you made and even disentangle the present to become autonomous individuals. Read "the most skipped step when opening a relationship".
 
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