New here! Intro! Long story!

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buggirl

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I’m honestly really afraid to write and post this, but:

I’m 37 (F) and have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 5 years, living together, not married. I have two kids, 10 & 8, who both have an amazing bond and relationship with my partner, and call him their step dad. (I’ll refer to him as my partner for clarity purposes, even though we were separated for parts of this story.)

I have a long history of trauma, broken attachments, and other similar types of issues and experiences which certainly affect how I’ve chosen partners over the years. (Yes, I am in therapy. lol) When my current partner and I met, I was just two months out of a very unhealthy, borderline abusive relationship with another man, and really wasn’t ready to be looking for another relationship. But, I made the decision to do so anyway, and found my partner on a dating app. I realize this was an irresponsible and selfish choice on my part (I feel like the majority of this story centers around that theme, unfortunately), but I was also open and honest with him about the fact that it hadn't been long and the relationship had been a very bad one.

We began seeing each other, and though he’s an incredible man, I have had doubts about whether or not I am actually physically and romantically interested in him. But he fit so well into my life, we got along incredibly, and my kids adored him, so we continued moving forward. He moved in in 2021.

Over the years, I continued to almost subconsciously question my feelings without really bringing it up, to my partner, myself, or anyone. Everything else worked so well. We never argue or fight. The kids are happy. Why rock the boat? And at that point, I had never thought about finding someone else or looking outside of our relationship. I figured that the lack of feelings on my part was due to the fact that I am used to chaotic and dramatic relationships, and since this wasn’t one, it was normal for me to feel sort of hollow and out of place.

Fast forward to fall of 2024, I meet a guy out of nowhere, and all hell broke loose internally for me. I begin emotionally cheating on my partner by contacting this individual and beginning a dialogue. Naturally, all of the sudden, the missing pieces or “flaws” (I realize these are equally my responsibility, if not almost entirely, since I failed to recognize, acknowledge, and bring them up) in the relationship are now exploding in my mind.

By December, my partner was able to sense something wasn’t right and confronted me about seeing someone else, and things began to deteriorate really quickly. He said I needed to cut contact with the guy I was involved with, otherwise things would have to end. I didn’t, and he moved out at the end of January 2025. We continued speaking daily in long text exchanges and occasional conversations, and he would come over to spend time with the kids, but it was emotionally painful for everyone. We started therapy together in January, as well, couples and him individually.

This obviously had a major impact on both kids, which are details I prefer not to describe or relive here. Additionally, my partner not being their biological father made it even more complicated for him. For me, my kids see him as their dad (their bio father is still in the picture, but in a limited manner, especially when it comes to actual parenting).

I continued seeing this other guy until a disagreement in mid-May caused me to hit pause, take a step back and try to get some perspective on the situation. I filled my partner in on this, and we decided together it would make sense for him to move back in (he was staying at his parents' house, which was a less than ideal scenario for him and for them), so that we can re-establish our daily routine with the kids and try and stabilize things, while we pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to move forward. We are seeing a couples therapist.

At this point, I am feeling really lost in a lot of ways. I see my partner as a best friend, a coparent, like family. But for him, these things just aren’t complete unless the romantic and sexual relationship is there, as well. He wants nothing more than to “fix” things between him and I, seeing the affair as a symptom of something he’s not doing, or doing wrong, when in reality, I feel we are just mismatched, to a degree. When he moved back in, I immediately began old behaviors of engaging in physical intimacy with him, even though I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted, because I knew it would help him feel better. I recently brought up the fact that maybe I moved too fast in doing this, and sex itself may need to be tabled for now in order to simplify things for me, and that has been really worrisome for him.

I know I’ve really created a bit of a mess here, and this post might not even belong on this forum, but I am choosing to post it because I have never felt so isolated in my feelings before, despite talking about them with my partner, our therapist, my own individual therapist, and so on. I also realize that this situation is NOT what healthy polyamorous relationships are built on, and we have a shitload we have to figure out, both individually and together. But mostly I wanted to just put it out into the universe and see if anybody has had a similar experience or has some perspective to offer me, even if it’s critical.

The past 10 months have felt a little bit like falling into some sort of fugue, and I’m just looking for some kind of hope, both for me and for him. I don't know how to handle feeling like the only possible, real "solution" is for me to fall in love with him and live happily ever after. I know some relationships and marriages can come back from this type of situation, but for me, it never felt quite whole in the first place. And I should have been up front about that with him from the start.

Anyway, that's all. Thank you for reading all of this, if you have, holy smokes.
 
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Greetings buggirl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like poly is kind of new to you, you feel interested in your heart, but in your mind you feel stuck in a relationship with your partner. You're convinced it will always be like that, so you figure you just need to forget your poly desires, and be happy in a monogamous relationship with your partner.

You seem to be ashamed of your recent actions. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Yes you've made some mistakes along the way, but that is normal when you're a beginner at poly, you haven't done anything out of malice, and you are learning how to do better as you go along. So, cut yourself some slack.

These are my observations,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you very much for your thoughts. I likely expanded too much on my own guilt and not enough on the fact that, yes, I'm very new to poly, and never really considered it or thought it would be a possibility for me. But this experience has made me rethink EVERYTHING, and I mean everything.

I really appreciate the kindness. ☺️ Looking forward to lurking around and reading more about other people’s experiences, as well.
 
That sounds good. I'm glad to have you with us, and want to help in any way that I can.
 
If you aren't romantically or sexually attracted to your partner, is it really fair to keep him around? I understand he wants to be there, but perhaps he (and you) are just scared to be alone?

Maybe you're poly. Maybe you needed more time to be single and explore different possible partners. Maybe you're just not that into your partner.

I'd argue it is not a kind thing to keep someone around who, presumably, wants your romantic love and sex, while you'd rather outsource that to other people.

I also think you should dig deeply into "I am used to chaotic and dramatic relationships, and since this wasn’t one, it was normal for me to feel sort of hollow and out of place." This is a real phenomenon. (I speak from personal experience.)

Of course, you shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't light your fire, but it's a good question to ask yourself: why does the partner who is there for you and helping raise your children seem less exciting and desirable than a mysterious other?
 
Thanks for your reply.

Your argument is a solid one that I consider often, because you’re right, it’s not a kind thing to want and keep him around if he wants something from me that I don’t want to give in return. Right now that’s what I’m trying to dig into as much as I can, because it’s one of the most confounding emotional experiences I have ever had.

It’s likely very true that I (and he) are both afraid to be alone. There’s an element of codependency that’s been established over the years, as well, that needs to unraveled and looked at, along with all the rest. Whatever the solution is, it starts with trying to address these things first.
 
Hey, everybody. I have some updates on things I wanted to share. And thank you in advance, because it’s kinda long.

First, I just have to recognize my imposter syndrome out loud, because i do feel like an imposter posting on here. My partner knows I did. It’s not like it’s happening in secret. But I also know that from his perspective, it’s like I’m trying to use poly as a band-aid to make cheating okay, and that’s absolutely not my intention. Right now, I’m just looking for support in a very scary and lonely situation, for one. And perhaps more importantly, I’m looking for ways I can reassure or comfort him about insecurities, etc., that are coming up for him around all of this.

With all that said, here we go: I’ve taken the last few months to really look at my own side of things and assess the situation as objectively as I can. It occurred to me that perhaps I tried skipping over some important steps of trying to figure out what’s “missing” in our partnership, and ways I have failed/am failing to show up the way I should, and I’ve made a lot of progress. I’ve reached a point where I feel like there is a lot to be explored and gained between my partner and me, especially physically and sexually, but only if we both put in the effort.

Meanwhile, I am still communicating with the guy that I met last year. We haven’t seen each other in person since May, and we really only text occasionally to check in and ask how the other is doing. I've been very open and honest with my partner about this communication. However, for my partner, just the knowledge that there is still a line of communication there shuts down all possibilities of him and me attempting to move forward in a genuine way, because of all of the uncomfortable emotions it’s bringing up for him, which is understandable, saying he doesn’t know how to be only partially in a relationship, especially when he doesn’t feel like he’s enough for me.

I want to make it clear, too, that I want to work on the entire relationship with him, including the romantic/intimate/physical parts. I feel like there is a lot that’s possible there if we both are able to put in the effort. In a lot of ways, I was holding back and not allowing myself to open up. But all of this feels like insight I’ve gained through the events of this past year, and realizing that perhaps committing to a single partner for the rest of my life doesn’t feel like an option that works for me. He sees this as me trying to create a loophole to cheat on him/do whatever I want when I want. Lastly, I’ve told him that if he wants to explore other people, that’s perfectly okay by me, but he doesn’t want that.

If our wants are incompatible, then it is what it is, and I’m prepared to accept and make some big decisions based on that. But in the meantime, I’m looking for advice on ways I can support and reassure him (if there are any), until we reach whatever our next step might be. And as uncomfortable as this is most of the time, I’m not trying to rush anything or force a decision, and instead just trying to listen to his thoughts/feelings and fears with as much love and compassion as I can. The problem is, for him, as long as this possibility exists of me feeling like I need to experience others, he isn’t able to operate genuinely in our relationship because he feels like he’s not enough for me.
 
Buggirl- I suggest you both take a breath and slow down.

I base this suggestion on the fact you have a good relationship that was working (still is really) in many important ways. Will this change? Probably, but I don't see any emergency other than the feelings of wanting to feel better.

Take a breath (both of you).

You will feel better soon, and that will be a better place from which to make decisions and have discussions. Don't let the uncomfortableness of the situation dictate your responses.
 
KND said:
Buggirl- I suggest you both take a breath and slow down.

I base this suggestion on the fact you have a good relationship that was working (still is really) in many important ways. Will this change? Probably, but I don't see any emergency other than the feelings of wanting to feel better.

Take a breath (both of you).

You will feel better soon, and that will be a better place from which to make decisions and have discussions. Don't let the uncomfortableness of the situation dictate your responses.
Click to expand...
Thank you for this advice. I’ve always been the type of person to avoid uncomfortable situations, so being able to exist in this space and resisting the urge to “fix it” or find a solution is difficult. But it’s good practice.
 
Hello buggirl,

Thanks for your update. It sounds like you and your partner have come up against a hard wall of incompatibility. He is hard-core monogamous; you have found that polyamory is a deep part of who you are. I don't know whether he'll ever be able to get past his feelings of not being enough -- and maybe he's right. A key part of polyamory is that one person isn't enough -- not because of any flaws that person may have, but because that person is only one person (and no one can be more than one person), whereas a polyamorist desires the variety that having multiple partners offers. This might be a difference the two of you will have to resolve.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
From what you wrote in your OP, and in the update, what I see is a person (you) who has avoidant tendencies when it comes to intimate relationships. You've been in therapy for a while now. I wonder what insights you've gotten from that.

Please let me ask some questions:

How long were you in that abusive relationship?
Was there something in your childhood that led to that mess?
Were you in therapy before you met up with your current partner?
What does your therapist (or maybe there are two, individual and couples) say about remaining with this man who doesn't float your boat romantically? Is the therapist putting the relationship before the people in it? Fix the relationship at all costs?

I don't know if it's something in you that still needs to heal (PTSD from possible childhood abuse, and then the abusive r'ship), or if your current partner is just a mismatch, you find him boring, whatever. I think healing yourself should be the primary focus. Once you know yourself, and can trust yourself, you will make better relationship choices, right?

This isn't a matter of which man is better for you.

I have often heard mono spouses/partners say, "I feel like I am not enough for you (the poly partner)." Frankly, this is true! Don't try and placate him and make him think he is "enough." He (call him Bob) is the perfect Bob. The other guy (call him James) is the perfect James. You find they both suit different needs you have. This is just a whole different mindset from the idea of "The One," "the soulmate" common in monogamy. And what is "The One," anyway? Half of all marriages end in divorce. And who knows how many committed r'ships that didn't involved marriage also ended after 5,10, 15 years?

Anyway, I am sure you know that you owe it to yourself to heal yourself and learn how to be your authentic self, outside of any relationship with any partner. Once you are true to yourself, comfortable in your own skin, trust yourself, are kind to yourself, you will be able to find ways to trust and be intimate with another, or others. You will know beyond a doubt your own value, and will either be better able to relate to "Bob," or split and enjoy singledom for a while. I don't recommend running right into a new relationship with James from the one with Bob. That would indeed be just a "Band-Aid." Keep James as a texting friend, but don't go running to put your eggs in his basket, all in, only to run into the same old problems again.
 
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