I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. I’m not new to polyamory but I have been away from it for awhile. I was with a long term boyfriend and we were poly. I ended things with him and met my now husband. I never wanted to get married but gave into the pressures of it and we got married and had kids. He knows I don’t believe in monogamy but we have been monogamous for a long time. Now that our kids are older I’ve expressed my desire to be poly again. He’s on the fence about it but is letting me explore my desires. Well I met a guy online and I’ve just kind of fell hard for him. We live in different states but neighboring states. Here’s where I messed up. I haven’t told the other guy that I’m married with kids yet. Oops! How do I tell him now? How do I approach the whole idea of being poly with him? I feel like at this point it’s already a doomed relationship because of the way it started. I don’t know where else to go to talk about this because I’m definitely not in a place where I’m ready to be out about this to people I know.
New here needing advice
- Thread starter Emerylee
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fuchka
Active member
You know you need to broach this asap.
You could start with "I have something to raise with you. I would have said something earlier but I didn't expect to get along with you so well." And then go on to tell him about your relationship situation.
That might well be the end of things with him, but if so, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.
He might be (justifiably?) angry or betrayed but it will only get worse the longer you leave it.
Maybe you made a mistake with this one, but you can do your best to be honest from now. And take it as a lesson for the future. If you are trying online dating, be upfront in your profile. And discuss it early on when getting to know someone online. It could scare some people off but they would likely waste your time anyway
You could start with "I have something to raise with you. I would have said something earlier but I didn't expect to get along with you so well." And then go on to tell him about your relationship situation.
That might well be the end of things with him, but if so, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.
He might be (justifiably?) angry or betrayed but it will only get worse the longer you leave it.
Maybe you made a mistake with this one, but you can do your best to be honest from now. And take it as a lesson for the future. If you are trying online dating, be upfront in your profile. And discuss it early on when getting to know someone online. It could scare some people off but they would likely waste your time anyway
I'm sorry you are struggling.
I am confused. What does that mean? Are you and husband in an open marriage now and practicing poly? Even though husband isn't really sure he wants to be doing this?
Where you are online dating this other state guy? Who doesn't know you are married, with kids, and "exploring?" Has it been only online because of pandemic? Or have you met him in person? How long have you been dating him?
What way it started? I think onine dating in pandemic is fine. Is there something else?
If you think it is already doomed... why are you still participating in it?
You could just end it without saying anything. Since you think it was already doomed, and no point in dragging doom out.
Or you could be honest and see what happens. Because if it is already doomed? It was gonna end anyway.
Or you might be surprised and find out he's up for it. But you have to ask him to find that out.
Galagirl
I am confused. What does that mean? Are you and husband in an open marriage now and practicing poly? Even though husband isn't really sure he wants to be doing this?
Where you are online dating this other state guy? Who doesn't know you are married, with kids, and "exploring?" Has it been only online because of pandemic? Or have you met him in person? How long have you been dating him?
What way it started? I think onine dating in pandemic is fine. Is there something else?
If you think it is already doomed... why are you still participating in it?
You could just end it without saying anything. Since you think it was already doomed, and no point in dragging doom out.
Or you could be honest and see what happens. Because if it is already doomed? It was gonna end anyway.
Or you might be surprised and find out he's up for it. But you have to ask him to find that out.
Galagirl
I know it's scary, but I encourage you to be upfront and tell him asap. If there is one thing polyamory requires, it's radical honesty. (This does not include sharing TMI between your partners, sharing their personal info back and forth, to be clear, but that's another topic.)
I hope you and husband make a smooth transition.
I hope you and husband make a smooth transition.
Hello Emerylee,
I would tell your neighboring-state guy, something like, "There's something I need to tell you. I hope you won't be upset, I know I should have told you sooner ... I am nonmonogamous. I'm married with children, and my husband is okay with me exploring my nonmonogamous desires. Again I apologize for not telling you sooner, I hope you won't be upset with me. If this is a deal breaker for you, I would understand. If you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer." Then accept his response, whatever it is. He has autonomy, and polyamory may not be something he would want. Don't be afraid to tell him, pluck up some courage, and tell him as soon as possible. I hope that conversation goes as well as can be expected.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I would tell your neighboring-state guy, something like, "There's something I need to tell you. I hope you won't be upset, I know I should have told you sooner ... I am nonmonogamous. I'm married with children, and my husband is okay with me exploring my nonmonogamous desires. Again I apologize for not telling you sooner, I hope you won't be upset with me. If this is a deal breaker for you, I would understand. If you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer." Then accept his response, whatever it is. He has autonomy, and polyamory may not be something he would want. Don't be afraid to tell him, pluck up some courage, and tell him as soon as possible. I hope that conversation goes as well as can be expected.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
BrokenArrow
Active member
Hey, a little advice.
Maybe you're already doing this, but go slow and check in on how he's feeling about things. Does he know about neighbor state guy yet? Dude's gotta feel a certain way about this. I know every step my wife has taken has hit me hard at first and taking time to heal before the next step has paid off time and again. Where's your husband at with this right now?
You've gotten yourself caught up in a lie of omission. Just saying, the longer you run with this the closer to unforgivable it becomes. Plus, that guy is a person with his own opinions and feelings. Give the dude a chance to say yes or no.
How fucked up would it be if you started something physical and real with this guy only for him to find out down the road and he's not cool with it? That's you forcing a guy into something he doesn't want to be a part of and that's super shitty.
Honesty and openness are the best option. Just my opinion.
Maybe you're already doing this, but go slow and check in on how he's feeling about things. Does he know about neighbor state guy yet? Dude's gotta feel a certain way about this. I know every step my wife has taken has hit me hard at first and taking time to heal before the next step has paid off time and again. Where's your husband at with this right now?
You've gotten yourself caught up in a lie of omission. Just saying, the longer you run with this the closer to unforgivable it becomes. Plus, that guy is a person with his own opinions and feelings. Give the dude a chance to say yes or no.
How fucked up would it be if you started something physical and real with this guy only for him to find out down the road and he's not cool with it? That's you forcing a guy into something he doesn't want to be a part of and that's super shitty.
Honesty and openness are the best option. Just my opinion.