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LoveBeliever

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Hello,

I am new here after lurking around for a bit. I have been in a long term marriage (32 years) with my best friend, love of my life, partner, father of my children. We share a very deep love for eachother. We have reached a crossroads in our relationship where he wants to open our marriage to non-monogamy. My initial reaction was “hell no”! But the more I’ve read the more open minded I’m becoming. I would rather have an ethical non-monogamous relationship than one that is full of lying and cheating. I don't want to end our marriage over this. I’m looking for some advice from people who’ve been in a similar situation and how they handled it. Thank you!
 
Hi LoveBeliever - and welcome to the Forum! We will look forward to hearing how your story unfolds. We do have a number of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly, so please don't hesitate to join the conversation with any thoughts and questions that you might have.

I do relate to your story quite a bit as my wife asked me to open our marriage a bit over 3 years ago now. Although we were married only 7 years at the time, we also had (and still have) a very strong, loving marriage (arguably, only very healthy marriages can survive a transition to poly in tact) - so I was also taken aback by her request, but I was willing to at least look at her request with some reading and research, and eventually we transitioned into a fully poly marriage, with each of us having other partners.
(It was my second marriage after a lengthy first marriage, and I am quite a few years older than her, although she is over 40 herself. Full story is in the signature link below).

I will relate that A LOT of research, reading, forum participation, podcasts, etc ultimately allowed me to accept the idea of poly (basically undoing my cultural conditioning toward monogamy) and be "ok" with her having another partner. But it was having another partner of my own that really made it possible for me to self identify as poly. Before, there was always some thought that I was "just doing it for her" altruistically when she had a partner and I didn't. This is something that you may want to keep in mind.

It is almost a truism in poly that it is, in fact, much easier for poly women to find new partners than for poly men to do so, There have been numerous discussions on this board on this topic - and one of our regular female contributors likes to state that while it may be easier for the women to "get dates", it is no easier for them to find suitable relationship partners. Be that as it may - unless your husband has someone waiting in the wings, he should know that it is likely that you would have an easier time finding "poly" dates than he will (assuming that you are both interested in dating).

I commend you heartily for taking the first step of doing the research - reading and posting here. Doing the work to understand polyamory is just really helpful. Following is a link to a list of the best poly web sites that you might find helpful:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

There are also a number of good books on poly. Many of us recommend Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino as the best introduction to poly, especially for couples transitioning to poly.

Again, welcome to the Forum!

Al
 
Greetings LoveBeliever,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I second the suggestion for you to read Opening Up, also check out the following:

And keep reading and posting on this forum. Glad you could join us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
LoveBeliever said:
Hello,

I am new here after lurking around for a bit. I have been in a long term marriage (32 years) with my best friend, love of my life, partner, father of my children. We share a very deep love for eachother. We have reached a crossroads in our relationship where he wants to open our marriage to non-monogamy. My initial reaction was “hell no”! But the more I’ve read the more open minded I’m becoming. I would rather have an ethical non-monogamous relationship than one that is full of lying and cheating. I don't want to end our marriage over this. I’m looking for some advice from people who’ve been in a similar situation and how they handled it. Thank you!
Click to expand...

Reading Al99s posts may be a good place for you to start - he was able to objectively evaluate his partner's request and ended up seeking poly relationships for himself.

You are on a poly board - so most of use are going to be of the mindset that CMN (consensual non-monogamy) beats cheating hands down. :rolleyes: I can't tell from your post - but are you contemplating seeking additional relationships for yourself? If so, you should be aware that it is very common for the person proposing CNV/poly/etc. (i.e. your husband) to be thinking of it only in terms of having extra-marital relationships for themselves, and less-so about their current partners also having outside relationships...:rolleyes:
 
LoveBeliever said:
Hello,

I am new here after lurking around for a bit. I have been in a long term marriage (32 years) with my best friend, love of my life, partner, father of my children. We share a very deep love for eachother. We have reached a crossroads in our relationship where he wants to open our marriage to non-monogamy. My initial reaction was “hell no”! But the more I’ve read the more open minded I’m becoming. I would rather have an ethical non-monogamous relationship than one that is full of lying and cheating. I don't want to end our marriage over this. I’m looking for some advice from people who’ve been in a similar situation and how they handled it. Thank you!
Click to expand...

Does your husband (he needs a nickname...) have anyone in mind that he is interested in?
 
I can't tell from your post - but are you contemplating seeking additional relationships for yourself? If so, you should be aware that it is very common for the person proposing CNV/poly/etc. (i.e. your husband) to be thinking of it only in terms of having extra-marital relationships for themselves, and less-so about their current partners also having outside relationships...
Click to expand...

Jane makes an excellent point here - and it is a fairly common theme. Spouse A wants poly because they want multiple lovers for themselves (perhaps they have someone lined up already) - but then can't handle it when their spouse also develops another relationship. Sometimes it even seems that Spouse A asks for a poly marriage so they can have their other lovers - with an almost implicit expectation that their spouse will remain mono, and be "faithful" to them only. (And we have seen enough accounts to know that Spouse A can be either the husband or the wife).

In fact, this very situation occurred in my marriage. My wife asked to open our marriage and transition to poly so that she could have an ethical relationship with her old college boyfriend. Ultimately, I agreed - but when I came into my first poly relationship several months later, our polyamorous journey almost ended right there - it was not one of our best moments. My wife recognized that it was hypocritical and illogical for her to resent my other relationship while having her own - but there it was. She really struggled to work past it - but she finally did, and my local partner has even occasionally participated in our "kitchen table" poly activities. But it was a difficult journey.

Al
 
LoveBeliever said:
Hello,

I am new here after lurking around for a bit. I have been in a long term marriage (32 years) with my best friend, love of my life, partner, father of my children. We share a very deep love for each other. We have reached a crossroads in our relationship where he wants to open our marriage to non-monogamy. My initial reaction was “hell no”! But the more I’ve read the more open minded I’m becoming. I would rather have an ethical non-monogamous relationship than one that is full of lying and cheating. I don't want to end our marriage over this. I’m looking for some advice from people who’ve been in a similar situation and how they handled it. Thank you!
Click to expand...

Welcome. I can only offer a more conceptual perspective, rather than a real-life experience that matches you situation. I had the open relationship part figured out before the age of 12. But I'm the exception to the norm ( whatever "normal" is ). In other words I've always just known, but never had a label for it other than simply "open" as opposed to "closed".
 
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