New, in a pickle and in need of advice

N

neilpoly

New member
I'll try and keep this concise, if possible.

I originally thought I was getting into a poly relationship, but it is a little more complicated. My friend, shortly after I met her, mentioned she was getting married and also had a boyfriend. Now initially, being new to thinking about polyamory, I was surprised, but open-minded. I was ok with this.

It turned out that the boyfriend was out of the picture, and that the fiance was only a friend who asked her to marry him shortly after I started seeing her.

We are both 40. Her fiance is older. So I think we are a little more grounded. I am pretty much in love with her and she with me. I assume she loves her fiance, as well, as she is still getting married. Although I suspect there are other issues at play here too.

Now, I am perfectly happy with her getting married. I love my freedom. Whilst I might have considered marrying her myself, that's not an option now. What I am not happy about is that I might be losing a friend and a lover. She is pretty much open to being poly. She has an agreement with her fiance that she can have relationships with women, if he is not around.

Okay, on to my question. I want to know if I should get out now while I can, or see if a polyamorous relationship with them (her, really) is possible. She might well be a love of my life. Whilst I could let her go, I would feel really sad about it.

I was considering mentioning that I had been thinking of a solution: basically, to talk to her fiance, mention that I am happy with them getting married, tactfully saying that I also have feelings for her, and wanted to know if he minded me seeing her, on occasion. (I have met him several times. I like him. I am pretty sure he knows I have been seeing her and that we are sexually involved.)

This might be the most complicated newbie question yet. :eek: Some words of wisdom would be welcome. Thanks.
 
Well, I can't speak from any great amount of poly experience, but it does seem that you have the same basic insecurity problem as anyone who is on new turf. What worries me is that you don't seem to know how much the fiance knows about you and your girlfriend. If she's truly polyamorous, he should know. Polyamory is about openness and honesty. If she's 'hiding' you, then she's not being poly, she's cheating.
 
She can have relationships with women, if he is not around.
Click to expand...
That kind of sent up red flags to me. Not around, as is "doesn't know," or not around as in "not involved," or...?

I don't think all partners have to be involved equally, but it sounds like there's a potential lack of openness or honesty there.
 
This situation sends up all kinds of red flags for me.

She's getting married, but this hasn't been communicated to you before now?

To me, poly is about being able to let relationships evolve to whatever they may become. While I understand rules play a big part in a relationship, I have to wonder how comfortable he truly is with polyamory if he's stipulating only relationships with women are okay.

I also noticed a lack of feeling in your posts, with one glaring exception. You mentioned fear of losing a friend and partner. Do you feel this because you think she may be committing to monogamy with him? If so, I think you and she need to be realistic about what your relationship means to each of you. Perhaps she's got a set of values that differ from yours, which could spell trouble, even without the pending marriage.

Anyway, good luck. I know it's not an easy situation to be in. Emotions run high, especially when love is involved.
 
Only complicated if...

Hi Neil,

In theory, your situation is not that complicated, or uncommon. But as someone already mentioned, I think, and something all of us rave about constantly, communication is in order here. It doesn't sound like the 3 (potentially 4) of you are all sitting down at the same table and talking openly and honestly with each other yet. Until everyone knows what everyone else is thinking, and what their priorities are, there are huge risks in doing or assuming anything.

RE: your comment about "Other issues at play"... "Marriage" has been undergoing a pretty significant evolution for some time now. It means different things to different people. One of those things that I think more people are willing to open up about than in the past is the concept that it may be more like a business contract, a legal and physical arrangement set up to benefit and protect both parties. That was always the case; it's just that not a lot of people were willing to call a spade a spade. I think it would be good for you all to know what this "marriage" is really going to mean to the married couple.

You also mentioned that the prospective husband has no issue with her having relationships with other women, if he's not around, whatever that means. The implication there being that he might have issues if other males were in the picture. You really need to know that! Everyone does!

It seems you're in a position where two outcomes are most likely:
1. You all sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk, which may affect the plans for their marriage.
2. You just sit tight on the sidelines, and accept that the marriage might need to go ahead for those other issues at play, and that if that's what's most important to her, it will end up excluding you, at least in any honest and drama-free way.

I doubt that anyone here would propose any solution to pursuing this relationship with less than 100% openness and honesty. There is too much potential for harm otherwise. Whether we like it or not, "marriage" is a common tool for meeting people's physical (security, financial, etc.) needs, even if not their emotional ones. People are willing to make that trade-off. We all wish it could be otherwise, but it isn't. We need a roof over our head, we need to eat, etc.

That realization is substantially at the heart of the growing acceptance for polyamory. There are ways we can find the pieces we want for our happiness and security, but in order to do that we have change our thinking, fight our insecurities and take risks.

Go slow. Be honest, both with yourself and the others.

GS
 
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