New living arrangement - less fun than advertised

NREbecca

NREbecca

New member
I'm not sure how to start this post, but I could use a little help.

My husband and I have had an "open" relationship for a good couple of years now. I put open in quotations as as of yet, I've been the one to go out and live the hot wife life. I'd meet someone new, date them for awhile and come home and the new relationship energy would spill over into our marriage. I'd give him dirty details and we'd go at it like bunnies.

It's what worked for us.

About three years ago I met a married woman and a relationship developed. She wasn't in an open relationship, exactly. She and her husband had had their threesomes but nothing truly open. She thought her husband would be ok with it, but let's just say it ended poorly and he told her never to talk to me again.

Ahh poly drama!

Anyway, it had been two years since I saw her last. About a month ago she "accidentally" bumped into me on the street. She was leaving her husband and she needed a place to stay. My husband and I said yes. She could live with us.

When she moved in (a week ago) she assumed she could just pick back up a relationship with me. Problem is there's still a lot of hurt and passed experience there. She also hoped that she could get into a relationship with my husband. I know he wants to. She wants to... I'm the only one who is having trouble with all of this.

I feel like it's unfair that I've been the one able to go out all these years and have some fun and then I'm turning around and saying no to them. It's unfair to both of them and I feel like I don't have any choice. But I'm not alright.

Advice?
 
If he wants to see her, you don't have to resume relations with her too just because she is wanting.

As to being bothered about them giving it a go, maybe its because right now she's all up in your space?
Yeah you've had your fun, but it wasn't all up in your spouse's space.
 
Vinccenzo said:
If he wants to see her, you don't have to resume relations with her too just because she is wanting.

As to being bothered about them giving it a go, maybe its because right now she's all up in your space?
Yeah you've had your fun, but it wasn't all up in your spouse's space.
Click to expand...

So what if it wasn't in "her" space (after all, it's his space, too)? Poly isn't supposed to be equal. Sure, moving in is something that needs to be considered before jumping into it, but he let her do whatever she wanted for years.

It's her turn to step up and give the same freedom to him. So, it's too soon for her to move in. Maybe they figure a way to give her some separate space within the household until she can get her own? Maybe she gives them privacy during the times she goes out with friends/spa treatments/etc? Maybe they keep it light on the romance, till the woman moves out?
 
Hi NREbecca,

You could ask them to slow it down, or to wait until she has a place of her own. However, there's no guarantee that they'll do as you ask. What will you do if they don't?

We can't always choose our feelings, but we can choose our actions. You can decide in your mind whether it's fair for your husband to have a romance with someone, and then act accordingly even if it's a struggle emotionally. You can make that choice.

If you continue to interact with the people on Polyamory.com, it might help. Another thing that might help is if you can put your finger on exactly what bothers you about your husband's involvement with this woman. What aspect of it bothers you the most?
 
Candiedlove said:
So what if it wasn't in "her" space (after all, it's his space, too)? Poly isn't supposed to be equal. Sure, moving in is something that needs to be considered before jumping into it, but he let her do whatever she wanted for years.

It's her turn to step up and give the same freedom to him. So, it's too soon for her to move in. Maybe they figure a way to give her some separate space within the household until she can get her own? Maybe she gives them privacy during the times she goes out with friends/spa treatments/etc? Maybe they keep it light on the romance, till the woman moves out?
Click to expand...

The fun she had wasn't in HIS/THEIR space judging by her saying she would tell him when she got home. It being in their space would be a change he didn't endure for her and it can make it a bit much for some. I ASKED if that might be her struggle. No one is putting me out of my home so they can fuck, especially because I wouldn't and didnt do that to my domestic partner.
We almost had to let someone my spouse dated move in with us so she could leave a bad domestic situation. Her moving in with us would not have been permanent and knowing it wasn't ideal to her, we both felt resuming romantic relations wasn't an ethical relationship because she wouldn't feel she had any say while she was living on our good graces temporarily. Putting someone in the position to feel like sex was traded for rent seemed icky. Fortunately, she found an alternative.
 
He didn't go to his wife and beg to move a girlfriend into their place. From what she's written it was her idea to move her former lover into her marital house. So I'm having a hard time figuring out what the husband has done that is wrong. I mean this is their relationship structure and all.
 
OP, you have a right to claim your space within the house. But asking that SO's never enter the house is unfair unless BOTH of you want this.

She's already moved in, temporarily or not, so this is something that needs to be discussed with all three of you.

When would schedules balance? When do people get alone time? Keeping things light on romance between her and EITHER of you is probably for the best....but you just don't know how thing will go...

Is your husband the type that moves quickly in relationships?
 
Maybe you could hold off on either you or your hubby having a relationship with this woman until after she moves out. You still have hurt feelings and trust lost from the way the relationship ended--the woman stopped seeing you at her husband's orders. How do you know that if her husband wanted her back, she wouldn't leave you again and hurt you and your husband?

Let this woman be alone on her own two feet a bit, then if you OR your husband want to move forward with her, you/he can. I can't imagine trying to go from zero relationship to living together and sharing your husband. It's too much too soon, IMO. Get her out of your house ASAP and go from there.
 
Could focus on the PRESENT rather than the past.

PAST, EVEN RECENT PAST:

You sound like you carry some guilt that you have gotten to play lots in the past and hubby hasn't yet. So? He could get out there and meet people. It's not a race or contest between you and him. It's also not a reason to open the door to unstable people. Go find healthier people to date than (divorcing less than honest Lady). Be picky about who you take up with! So could he!

If I were a predator type -- that kind guilt would be easy leverage to mess with your head. Be aware.

PRESENT PROBLEM: HOUSEGUEST

She sounds like walking chaos to me. I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like this to me when I read that:

You get involved with woman in a less than honest/cheating affair.
  • They were not open to polyamorous relationships. (No love share)
  • Only open to occasional threesomes. (sex share sometimes ok)
  • Her husband tells her to end the affair when he discovers the broken agreements.
  • She does.

Later Lady comes looking for you "accidentally." (less than honest pretenses? )
  • She says she is leaving the husband (or is it he kicked her out?)
  • She needs a place to crash.
  • You and hubby say ok.
  • Why you say ok to the less than honest person, I do not know. She goes to her EX? Nobody closer to her will take her like family or friends? How come?

Now that she's living there a week?
  • She's trying to start up with you again right where it left off, without asking if you are up for it.
  • She's also trying to start up with hubby.
  • Is she trying to make it harder to ask her to leave when her guest stay is up?

How is this time the BEST time to start a triad?
  • She can't finish her divorce first?
  • Find a flat of her own first?
  • Let this unfold slower, more naturally?
  • Or is she love bombing both of you to see what she can get?
  • Creating false sense of "urgency" to sweep you both along?

MY OPINION

  • I'd tell her you have hosted her for a week, it's not working out space wise/schedule wise, so she needs to stay elsewhere. Anything face saving.
  • Take her to a hotel, give her the money to pay her bill for a week up front in CASH. Walk away in good conscience Two weeks hospitality is plenty from an Ex.
  • She can stay there, go stay at a cheaper place, whatever she wants. But YOU are rid of her in your house in a way that saves face for all.

If she wants to date when her divorce is final, look you up then. Could not take up with messy people now. If she really wants you, she will come back then. If not, you know it was a "love bomb" thing.

She sounds less than honest to me with a whiff of desperate. I would not go there. Be careful.

Could talk to your hubby about each of you NOT dating each other's exes. Exes are ex for a reason. Everyone has a "messy people" list whether articulated or not. I would not want my partner dating my mother, sister, boss, etc. Figure out who those people are for each of you. Talk. Articulate.

Could encourage him to date healthy. Each one of you could be picky about who you take up with. Not just go with the one who is "handy" in your house. If he's shy or whatever, that's not a reason to glom on to unhealthy. Ew. He can't pick a better person to go have fun with than that?

Galagirl
 
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