New looking for guidance

Kparr

New member
Hello, I’m new to non monogamous relationships. I have a new partner that already has a partner. He’s very open and understanding, will always talk me through any questions or concerns I have. His version of non monogamy includes keeping his relationships separate. He’s agreed to discuss anything I’d like to know to a certain extent (we haven’t discussed any and everything yet) with me. For example, when he spends time with her, etc. Being so new, I find myself avoiding that info (out of sight out of mind). I also can feel insecure at times which naturally isn’t me but out of wondering about the obvious it weirdly has the reverse effect. He feels out of consideration he doesn’t bring her up, but I think long term, I’ll have to know her, meet her, especially if we decide to be together, have a family in the future, it’s non negotiable. We are very new so there are many convos to be had, but I’d like unbiased opinions to be exposed to everything & not just on person’s opinion on how relationships should work. Anything worked specifically for people who have had this version of non-monogamy. I’m not interested in female partners or living together, etc at the moment. but I do think we’ll have to be apart of each other’s lives in the long run. Also, how many partners max works best for anyone when it comes to serious relationships (not casual interactions). Thanks in advance…
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Kparr,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your partner prefers parallel poly, whereas you lean more in the kitchen table poly direction.


Neither style is any better or worse than the other, kitchen table is better for some people, and parallel is better for others. You need to explain to your partner that kitchen table is better for you, or at least that you need to be less parallel than he wants you to be.

The max number of partners also depends on the individual. However, as a general rule, less partners is better than more partners in most cases. The most common configuration, and the one most likely to succeed, is a grouping of three people -- especially a V (where your partner would be the hinge, and you and his other partner would be the legs of the V). It is entirely likely that your partner is at his max right now.

Hopefully this answers some of your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

SlowPoly

Active member
Hello, I’m new to non monogamous relationships. I have a new partner that already has a partner. He’s very open and understanding, will always talk me through any questions or concerns I have. His version of non monogamy includes keeping his relationships separate. He’s agreed to discuss anything I’d like to know to a certain extent (we haven’t discussed any and everything yet) with me. For example, when he spends time with her, etc. Being so new, I find myself avoiding that info (out of sight out of mind). I also can feel insecure at times which naturally isn’t me but out of wondering about the obvious it weirdly has the reverse effect. He feels out of consideration he doesn’t bring her up, but I think long term, I’ll have to know her, meet her, especially if we decide to be together, have a family in the future, it’s non negotiable. We are very new so there are many convos to be had, but I’d like unbiased opinions to be exposed to everything & not just on person’s opinion on how relationships should work. Anything worked specifically for people who have had this version of non-monogamy. I’m not interested in female partners or living together, etc at the moment. but I do think we’ll have to be apart of each other’s lives in the long run. Also, how many partners max works best for anyone when it comes to serious relationships (not casual interactions). Thanks in advance…
Hi, Kparr, and welcome!

If you are still able to edit your post, would you be willing to put a few paragraph breaks in, to help us with reading and understanding the division of the various topics you’ve presented? A good practice as well is to assign an alias (not just an initial) to each person - your partner and his other partner for now.

It sounds like you’ve had some good conversations already. And it sounds like your partner has a preferred way of relating which involves keeping his relationships separate. Parallel (as Kevin mentioned) is one of the ways people do polyamory/non-monogamy, but there isn’t just one way of doing parallel relationships.

So, yes, do learn what other people do, if you’re looking for ideas, but remember that for you and your partner, it’s what y’all want that matters. “One person’s opinion on how relationships should work” does matter a lot when that’s the person you’re developing a relationship with. Biases are okay when you’re deciding how to live your life — there’s not a judge or a requirement for objectivity.

I would caution you that “out of sight, out of mind” can be a difficult way to go forward in polyamory — you risk convincing yourself you are in a monogamous relationship. Be gentle with yourself, but don’t hide from truths.

“I think long term, I’ll have to know her, meet her, especially if we decide to be together, have a family in the future, it’s non negotiable…” sounds at odds with how you’ve presented your partner’s style of non-monogamy. It is possible to have very separate relationships, even with long term commitment and families*. Realize that if you truly consider it non-negotiable, and he doesn’t plan to change his style, you may already be sussing out a basic incompatibility for the long term. And realize, too, that besides the two of you, other partners get a say in who they spend time with or even exchange contact info with or whatever.

*for example: my two partners, with whom I have children separately, do not interact, and have probably spent less that five hours together in the 12 years I’ve been actively seeing both - and I’ve known them both for over 25 years. They have ways to contact each other in case of emergency, and will have brief and civil conversation when they see each other every year or two. That’s it. They care for each other’s kids as needed, but aren’t anything to each other.

Keep learning about options and seeing how different ideas feel to you. Keep talking about expectations and preferences. The blogs here can show you some of what people do day to day, and the advice given to others can help you anticipate and avoid some conflicts, and offer some thought toward processing others when they come.

Learn about jealousy. Learn about autonomy and enmeshment. Learn about yourself and your partner.

Have fun, and remember relationships can end and still be successful. I wish you good luck on your journey!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
To get a quick course in polyamory, please consider reading the book Opening Up. You can learn about all the styles of open relationships, about how to communicate effectively, common problems and speedbumps, etc. I agree if you are dipping your toes into polyamory, you need more resources than just your one poly partner's opinions and style of relating.

There is no need to meet your metamour(s), but it can be fun, if you are both willing and compatible, to hang out sometimes. This really varies though.

For myself, I have found that I can best handle just 2 partners at a time. More than that, I feel stretched too thin, emotionally and energy- and time-wise. I can maybe handle 3 partners if 2 of them are more casual and I don't see them very often. However, my ideal is to spend a good deal of time with any partner I have, taking into consideration their degree of energy, time, etc. But I also enjoy being alone, having me-time, pursuing my hobbies and exercising, talking to platonic friends online, or actually seeing them (which of course has happened less in the past couple of years, because Covid).

Everything needs to be in balance. It's kind of complicated to be poly, but it's great when it's all working!
 
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