New member with a problem

C

citygirl

New member
Hello. I am a married 46 yr-old woman with questions. I found out this past July that my husband had been cheating on me with a 29-yr old for the past 6 months. He is justifying it by saying he is poly, and so is she. This is something he discovered 2 years ago, only I never knew about it.

I first asked if they were having sex and they both said no. I said I would keep an open mind, even though I was, and still am, totally devastated by this.

I actually agreed to meet this woman. The three of us went out twice, although I was not comfortable at all. She kept looking at my husband with starry eyes. I was not prepared for that. I am jealous and having a hard time dealing with all of this.

Then I found out two weeks later that they were having sex. That blew my mind, because they had both told me that poly has rules and they couldn't have sex without my approval, etc., only to find out that they were both liars. I wrote some hateful things to her, mainly calling her out on her "poly" rules.

I asked my husband to quit all contact with her. I said that I would continue to read about polyamory and that we could work on repairing the trust in our marriage and our marriage as a whole. Yes, we were having troubles-- a lack of sex, me concentrating on the kids, him concentrating on work. I said that we could revisit this in 6 mos-1yr. I needed time.

When she is not in the picture, it is easier. But she just Facebooked him in a flirtatious way, and he wants us to go see her again. I know I am jealous and fearful of her, even though my husband says he will always love me and we are strong. But I don't see why he can't quit her. He knows it is causing me angst, sleepless nights, and causing us to fight. I think it is because they crossed the line, in my book. They were deceitful and hiding their tryst. I think the poly card they are using is just an excuse for their behavior.

Any help in understanding this?
 
citygirl said:
I think it is because they crossed the line in my book. Because they were deceitful and hiding their tryst, I think the poly card they are using is just an excuse for their behavior.
Any help?
Click to expand...

This.

Keep going the way you are going and don't let anyone guilt-trip you. You were the one who was deceived. You have every right to feel hurt and jealous. You are correct in describing this as a "tryst" and you should have no bad feelings about "calling them out on the rules of poly".

I'm going to stop there because this is such a standard textbook case of cheating, and there are other people here who I'm sure will elaborate on the nuances of this particular situation.

As Fidelia would say, "Stay strong, sister woman".
 
Yep. That's exactly what Fidelia would say.

She (I) would also say that you are completely justified in feeling devastated and betrayed, and that it would be a completely reasonable course of action if you set his cheating ass on the curb and sued her for alienation of affections during the divorce proceedings. Not because they fell in love, but because they lied to you about it and destroyed the trust you had in your husband and your marriage!

For the record, imo, your husband isn't polyamorous. He might like to be polyamorous, even wish he were polyamorous. But polyamory is based in love, respect and mutual concern for all parties concerned, and from what you've written here, he has not demonstrated much love, respect or concern for YOU in all this.

The fact that you are even willing to entertain the idea of polyamory after your repeated exposure to their lies and deceit speaks volumes about your open-mindedness and personal strength. But before you can move forward in any new direction, polyamorous or otherwise, you have wounds which must be cared for and healed. You deserve his help and support in that healing. You shouldn't have to insist on it, but you're certainly within your rights to.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
This just really pisses me off. Poly isn't "cheating." It's not: "Oh, guess what, honey? I've fallen in love with someone else and fucked her, without you knowing anything about it." That's cheating. :mad:

I'm so sorry that you are going through this kind of thing right now.

I guess the real question at hand is: are you okay with this? Do you think you can restore your marriage, even after what has happened?

On the defensive, your man probably didn't feel he had any other option, as society teaches us that loving more than one person is bad, you can't do it, and if you do, you must hide it. But he should have talked to you about his feelings for her before it went sexual at all. Once it crosses that line, it's not polyamory, it's cheating.

However, my opinion doesn't matter at all. What matters is how you feel about this. Can you forgive him? Or can you live life with him (and her)?
 
I agree with everything everyone else said above, and:

Using "polyamory" as a cover for shitty behavior casts a long dark shadow that antagonists love to emphasize. It's this misrepresentation that is a big part of the problem, as others seek acceptance in how they chose to live their lives: with honesty, integrity and love.

Hopefully your husband will respect you, educate himself and be honest with you about what he wants and how he feels.
 
citygirl said:
I found out this past July that my husband was cheating on me. He is justifying it by saying he is polyamorous.
Click to expand...

He's full of shit.

I'm not one to suffer foolishness gladly, so what I'd do would likely be considered harsh by some.

No contact with her. If he breathed in her direction, I'd be gone. There has to be time for you to work out whether or not you want to continue the marriage after the cheating.

Once you've figured that out, there has to be time to work on the marriage to get it healthy again, should you decide you want to stay in it. All of that time, which is on your schedule, has to stay utterly clear of any complications involving persons not involved in your marriage.

Only after you've had time to work through all of that would it be time to even consider adding any other partners.

Again, this would all happen according to your schedule because you are the one he wronged when he cheated.
 
I can only agree with everyone here. I'm new to actually being in a poly relationship, but have been learning about it for years. The one thing I love about it is all parties being transparent, and the love involved. I'm sorry, hun, but I don't see any of this from your husband. I agree with others, he got caught, so he's using poly to cover his guilt.

As jennjuice stated, it's not how we feel that matters. How do you feel about him, and your marriage?
 
AutumnalTone said:
I'm not one to suffer foolishness gladly, so what I'd do would likely be considered harsh by some. No contact with her. If he breathed in her direction, I'd be gone. There has to be time for you to work out whether or not you want to continue the marriage after the cheating.

Once you've figured that out, there has to be time to work on the marriage to get it healthy again, should you decide you want to stay in it. All of that time, which is on your schedule, has to stay utterly clear of any complications involving persons not involved in your marriage. Only after you've had time to work through all of that would it be time to even consider adding any other partners. Again, this would all happen according to your schedule because you are the one he wronged when he cheated.
Click to expand...
I, for one, would not consider any of this harsh. I'd say it was a fair, compassionate and even-handed response to a devastating series of injuries.
 
He wronged you in a big way, and it irks me that he decided to use the poly card to justify it. Without openness, honesty, compassion and a great many things that he left out of the equation, it isn't poly. All of the suggestions so far have been spot on, you hold all the cards, you have all the time. If he truly wants to stay with you and make it work, you get to be a bit of a dictator now. This is a wonderful place to get info on polyamory, and if you eventually decide it right for you then I welcome you, and if not I wish you much happiness in whatever life you choose. God bless.
 
He was a jerk to you. Cheating is cheating and that means lying, betraying and not following the relationship's established rules.

Your relationship probably had exclusivity as a rule. He decided not to follow it, and didn't talk to you about it or warn you or anything. That's just wrong.

Coming out to a spouse/long-term partner can be very hard. You're afraid they'll reject you and you would lose so much! But this in no way justifies cheating.

He should have told to you about it first, preferably when he found out himself or soon afterwards. You have every right to feel betrayed and he hasn't shown himself worthy of your trust.

It might still work out if things change, but you need to make it clear that the least he could do is to be honest with you. He can't keep on lying like that, as much as he might be afraid of your reaction when he tells you things, not saying is so much worse!

I had a hard time talking about things with my husband at first, I was scared it would hurt him. But I realised that one of the big problems is lying. If you're open about things, honest, you talk and everything, it's much easier for your spouse to understand and for things to feel a bit more natural after some time.

How could you be comfortable in this relationship when you don't know what they're hiding from you? You need reassurance, since you're in the tough spot of being a mono (I assume) who found out her husband is poly.

If he had told you two years ago, you would have had all of that time to get comfortable with it before he met his girlfriend (or was he cheating all that time?). It's not too late though, if he's willing to be honest and open. In a poly relationship, you have nothing to hide because you're doing nothing wrong.
 
Mixed signals?

So far, it has been okay, except for the fact that he won't unfriend her on Facebook. He claims that he would have to give up all his friends. I said I am only asking him to give up one friend, her. Am I being too controlling here? I keep telling him that I need time to get over this and heal. UGH. What is he trying to tell me?

Also, another one of his past girlfriends just showed up as a friend. I told him that it bothered me and to please unfriend her. He said it was done but she is still there! What gives? Does he think I am that stupid, or that I will just forget it?
 
Unfriending one person does not equate to losing all of one's friends. He may actually believe that the first would result in the second, or he may just be using that as a rationale to keep her involved in his life in some capacity.

As for the appearance of an ex in his friends list, I'm friends with most of my exes, so I don't worry about that sort of thing (and one of Curly's exes popped up on FB, too). As for saying he unfriended her when she was still on his friends list, that could be a FB glitch or he coud be lying again. Have him unfriend her again and check to make certain FB reports it done and she doesn't appear on his list. If she then reappears later, it indicates he added her back.
 
The only way I can think that unfriending her will lose him other friends is if they unfriend him because of it. As to the other ex showing up, being someone's friend on Facebook really doesn't mean anything. While I'm not friends with any of my past girlfriends, I'm fairly abnormal in that I only keep friends on Facebook that I would actually like that spend time with on occasion. Most people friend anyone they have met once and don't totally hate. Most of my friends have friends listed that they don't even know.

What I would focus on is the lying taking place here. He said that she isn't his friend anymore, but she is. That is the problem, not really that she was to begin with.
 
Same as what everybody else is saying, this is NOT polyamory, because you didn't know about it beforehand.
 
No contact means no contact, no matter how innocuous Facebook really is. He needs to rebuild trust, and if what you need to do that is no contact with ex-girlfriends, then he should respect that. It just draws the process out if he drags his feet!

I've got to be honest, I would be thinking hard about changing the locks while he was out one day. He's showing a lack of respect for your feelings and your marriage that I would have a hard time justifying.
 
I'm wondering what of the age difference? You mentioned the age of this woman. Is there something in that for you?

Perhaps he finds the fact that a young woman interested in him is what this is about for him. He likes the admiration and swooning she does? Just a thought.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top