New Metamour, all the rules changed, hurt

MsChristy

MsChristy

New member
Hi all. I haven't posted in a while . I am a married female with a long distance long term poly male partner. In the last year my partner broke up with his long term partner, started dating a new partner, and is now cohabitating with plans to get engaged soon . This has been an adjustment and I am trying to roll with it, but I am having a couple problems with the adjustment . The first issue is communication . I had no idea that they were living together, or doing other relationship milestones until after the fact when I visited . I don't mind that their relationship is moving forward but was hurt that I didn't matter enough to get a heads-up .

The other issue is how my partners dynamic with me has been changing . Things we used to do we no longer do, with his reasoning sometimes being he has to meet the other girls emotional needs, or other girl is clingy . The three of us had a big sit down talk and she ended up telling me that since I have a husband I have someone else to meet my needs, and he told me that her needs will always come first, comparing his relationship with her to mine with my child and how I always jump when my child needs me no matter what .

Prior to her I would have said that I am in a non-hierarchical relationship but she referred to herself as the primary which was news to me. I am just feeling really hurt and confused with how to communicate to my boyfriend that I need my needs to be met too and this is not what I signed up for . He is frustrated that I am not being more supportive of their wedding but I fear getting pushed away even more.

Does anyone have any advice?
 
Hi MsChristy,

I'm relatively new to the forums myself, so I'm not sure if there's anything I've thought about that you wouldn't have already. My life experiences would pale next to yours, but I think experienced poly people like yourself use the board more as a sounding board to get to where you already know you need to get to go. Hopefully, I can be a helpful sounding board to you. :)

I'm hearing you say, Christy, that you have a husband and a boyfriend, both long term. Your boyfriend has a new romantic relationship that has progressed faster than you were aware. In particular, you're hurt that you were told after the fact because it makes you feel that you don't matter. I feel that additional hurts come in hearing that they consider their relationship primary along with feeling that he has reduced time and attention for you.

In my honest opinion, I'd say that your relationship is transitioning, Christy.

If he's saying he will put her first the way you put your child first, then I think this new girl is able to give him something that you can't. If it helps, maybe think of it as a "him" thing rather than a "you" thing, by which I mean, he needs something from a relationship, which is why he's latched on to her. It's something he needs.

Esther Perel, a relationship counsellor said something in a TED talk that has stuck with me. She says she often sees unhappy couples in her practice saying, "I am not getting what I want in this relationship." She often turns the tables to say, "What are you giving in your relationship?" I mention this because your opening posts says that this is not what you signed up for and it made me wonder about things from your boyfriend's point of view.

I don't mean to be critical of your relationship, Christy and sorry if it comes across like that. I realise your relationship is long standing, complex and has had its ups, downs and complexities that you would have been unable to fit into the short opening statement you gave above. People like me who assume things about your relationship are likely to get it wrong, but I hope I haven't made too many assumptions, with apologies if I have.

Finally, there is a thread about how sucky males seem to be as the hinge of the V. You may find something of interest there.

In the end, I think from your title that you were already aware of all of this, Christy. Your relationship is transitioning. It's just a sucky time.

Hope you continue to take care of yourself. Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
You summarized it fairly well . Things are definitely transitioning, and I think I am struggling to be satisfied with how my relationship looks after .

He and I have had a fairly solid relationship for 5+ years. The new girl is local to him and, unlike me they share a lot of hobbies. He has expressed a desire for me to try to take more interest in his hobbies, which I should make an effort to do

She can give him the perks of a local partner that I can not, but to compare it to my paternal relationship makes her sound codependent. They don't complain at all about my husband, just about how my child has changed things which is to be expected .
 
Hi McChristy,

I don't know if I can offer much in the way of constructive advice, but I will say that I can relate to your conundrum, having been on both sides of a similar situation.

Like you, I currently feel one of my co-primaries, to whom I am engaged, is no longer meetings my needs for communication or intimacy, and would echo your pained "this isn't what I signed up for" complaint.

On the other hand, when he and I first began our relationship two years ago, he kept his former partner in the dark about me (the new shiny, at that time); affording me much more time and affection and affectively shutting her out.

I assume you and your partner do not operate under a DADT policy (?) If not, then your partner appears to have disregarded several commonly implied (or verbalised) relationship agreements, for example:

- In a committed relationship, one partner should never make a major life change, such as moving in with another lover, or becoming engaged, without at least broaching the subject with pre-existing partner/s first, and seeking their understanding and/or approval. To do otherwise is highly disrespectful.

- Allowing a new/other partner who is NOT in a direct sexual or romantic relationship with you, to invalidate your feelings of loss by saying you basically need to "get over it" because you have a husband and a child already and therefore presumably don't "need" your joint partner as much as she does. That is a massive assumption on her part!

- Having your partner and/or his fiancée liken her relationship with him to that of you with your child is NOT an equitable comparison in my view. Regardless of the fact that theirs is the "newer" relationship and they now cohabit (as your child is young and lives with you), this woman is not your partner's "dependent", but is a grown adult who is capable of taking care of herself and making her own decisions. If anything, he needs to make an extra effort to remain closer to you, rather than the other way around, IF he intends to continue enjoying a healthy long-distance relationship with you after they marry.

Yes, your relationship may be transitioning and there may not be a damn thing you can do about it unless your partner acknowledges he was remiss in not informing you of his changing circumstances BEFORE the fact, and unless he has the desire to redress this situation and make the effort to include you in his life again in ways that make you feel genuinely wanted and secure. IF he can't or won't do that, you're left with the choices of either accepting that relationships change and downgrading expectations or ending that particular relationship.
 
I think your bf's actions are breaches of honesty and trust. How would you deal with this kind of behavior from your husband? That's how you should respond to this, IMO. BTW, where is your husband in all this, or does he not have any direct involvement in this, or with your bf?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

To me it sounds like they made decisions that affect everyone in the group without including you in the conversation.

Like... you thought you were practicing a poly model of X.

Now come to find that it was changed to a poly model of Y, and that's not what you signed up for.

The three of us had a big sit down talk and she ended up telling me that since I have a husband I have someone else to meet my needs, and he told me that her needs will always come first, comparing his relationship with her to mine with my child and how I always jump when my child needs me no matter what .
Click to expand...

It doesn't sound like the talk with the three of you was one where your voice was heard.

  • Basically she told you that she's primary now and you shouldn't be upset things changed on you without your consent or knowledge because you have your husband and he can be your primary.
  • He confirmed that she's primary now and she comes first to him.

You being married doesn't matter. You were not kept in the loop. They are skipping the fact that they changed the model without telling you. Even if you were single, this would still be inconsiderate behavior. Your shared BF has dropped the ball big time with communication.

He is frustrated that I am not being more supportive of their wedding but I fear getting pushed away even more.
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And you are supposed to be supportive of their wedding and their continued well being when they don't support you in your continued well being? Baffling. Why would you be eager to put MORE energy here when you get little return back? :confused:

It stinks that they are behaving this way and making decisions that affect you without even talking to you about it. Just expecting you to lump it after the fact. :(

In the end though? You already know this is not something you signed up for. You don't have to accept this new model that's being foisted on you. You could bow out. NOT sign up.

In your shoes? I think I would bow out. Tell them you wish them well with the wedding, but I would take it as a good time to let this go. Just to many changes with too little consideration or communication. If I had been asked if I could be willing to do primary-secondary? I might have said yes, I might have said no... but I would have felt like I was being considered and being treated well. Like this? Not treating me well. I don't want to stay in things that don't treat me well.

If you can be exes and friends, do that. But if not, just bow out in general. Then focus on healing.

Galagirl
 
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MsChristy said:
He and I have had a fairly solid relationship for 5+ years. The new girl is local to him and, unlike me they share a lot of hobbies. He has expressed a desire for me to try to take more interest in his hobbies, which I should make an effort to do
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Or not. I mean, if you're not interested, you're not interested. Sure you can try them out and see if you enjoy them, but I'll assume you've tried each of his hobbies at least once and they clearly didn't "grab" you. So feigning an interest just to get closer to him doesn't really make sense to me. Even (healthy) mono people find friends to share their hobbies with if their spouse isn't interested. Who ever said partners have to share all their hobbies? I mean if it happens, great. I would love to find a partner who enjoys hiking and camping. But in the meantime, I'll go hiking and camping with my friends or on my own. I'm not going to force my husband to do something he's not into.

She can give him the perks of a local partner that I can not, but to compare it to my paternal relationship makes her sound codependent. They don't complain at all about my husband, just about how my child has changed things which is to be expected .
Click to expand...

I'm quintessentially child-free, and even I understand that parents have to put their kids first. Heck, that's 90% of the reason I'm never going to be a parent! Comparing ones needs to those of a child is... well, childish to say the least.
 
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" I am just feeling really hurt and confused with how to communicate to my boyfriend that I need my needs to be met too and this is not what I signed up for ."

Saying it like that would work for me.

Not mentioning a major thing like co-habitation would be a big thing to me. It sounds like he was trying to avoid a conflict by keeping these things from you.

I would have told them that your husband fulfills the needs he need to fulfill in your relationship with HIM, but boyfriend needs to fulfill the needs in your relationship with him. In other words, each relationship is it's own thing. It's not the place of one to take up the slack for the other. In fact, viewing a relationship like that is highly degrading to the participants.
 
Hi MsChristy,

It looks to me like your long-distance partner is pulling away from you. I'm not sure, maybe his new partner is demanding that he do this or that and he is going along with it ... or maybe he's decided that he likes this new relationship better, maybe he's even decided to become monogamous. Whatever the reasons, it's a choice that he is making, and I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. I guess you could beg and plead with him, but that's not very dignified. Maybe the thing to do here is to let him go? I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But it may be what's going to happen anyway. Making the call yourself (to break up) lets you retain some small bit of control over the situation. You can choose the timetable of your own healing process.

Or at least, be aware that a breakup may be coming down the pike.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I sympathize with your hurt over the relationship changing. But the fact is, as human beings, we invariably end up in positions where we must put someone first.

You are long distance and have a primary. He has made a choice that he is going to prioritize his fiancée, who is local and more interested in his hobbies and there with him. Honestly, this sounds very normal to me.

How would you feel about your husband telling you he's going to prioritize his long distance girlfriend over you? It sounds as if this is what you're hoping your boyfriend will do to his fiancée.
 
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