To clarify my earlier post, in looking at these two statements:
"Well I know I shouldn't emotionally invest in you too much."
"You're all I need, but I guess I'm not enough."
These all make me think of Eeyore hanging his head and feeling sorry for himself.
I would consider those statements to be passive-aggressive and manipulative, whether the relationship is monogamous or polyamorous. I don't have different standards for poly relationships. To me, a relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Straightforward communication is key in any type of relationship.
How would it be worded differently so that I would feel there was no attempt to manipulate me? It's very simple:
"I don't know how to handle this kind of relationship. I feel like I shouldn't emotionally invest in you too much."
or
"I don't know how much to invest emotionally in this relationship. I've never been in this kind of situation before."
or
"I'm afraid to invest too much emotionally."
The above is DIRECT. Starting off with "I know I shouldn't..." was a challenge and manipulative.
Then there was:
"You're all I need, but I guess I'm not enough."
Oh Jeez - poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!
First of all, I take exception to the idea that we are supposed to be
fulfilling needs for the people we're in relationship with, but that is a whole 'nother topic. Worded differently without an attempt to manipulate would've looked like:
"I only need one relationship and being in a relationship with you is enough for me. Why am I not enough for you?"
or
"I feel like I am not enough for you."
Again, DIRECT. "I guess I'm..." was a challenge and manipulative. He wants pity. To me, that is plainly clear to see.
So, what is the manipulation about? In this case, it seems to be to get the OP to feel sorry for him enough to let go of her other relationship. He paints a picture that he is someone devoted to her and that her having other relationships makes him feel bad. So, if she was a good partner, she should do all she can not to let him feel bad- by just being with him.
And no, Dingedheart, I don't have to know the guy fully to get all that from his words. I base what I say on the experience and learning I gained not only from my own relationships and family, but also decades of courses and workshops on communication and relationships. I've been taught to discern the subtext in people's communications. For me, it isn't all that hard to see, but anyone who has had to deal with passive aggression and manipulation would see it, too.
I want to say, also, that most people convey subtext with their words very unconsciously. So, while I am saying that this man was stating things in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way, he may not be doing it deliberately, but out of habit.
______________
To clarify the context of those statements, they were made in a much longer conversation about the future of our relationship. He brought it up, and wanted to be honest with how he is feeling now. He's really struggling with the thought of being alone when I'm with someone else.
Degeneratelove, you said in your initial post that you "just started" seeing him. How long has it been, exactly, and how often do you see him? Does it seem to you to be a bit too early to be having a big heavy convo about where things are headed? If you just started dating and he's already having this kind of discussion and is "struggling" with abandonment issues, I would say he is probably too needy to be able to handle polyamory. OR he doesn't want to feel like things are out of his control. OR he will only be happy with the traditional relationship escalator.
And why would he be sitting home alone? Doesn't he have any friends? Other interests and things to do with his life besides focusing on you, where you are, and what/who you're doing?
He's willing to try, shouldn't I allow him the option of seeing if this is something he wants to grow in before just ending it?
Sure! Like I posted earlier, you can tell him definitively that this is a choice you made for your life which makes you happy and if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he needs to to accept that. If he is struggling, you can be understanding, but don't put up with self-deprecating remarks and passive-aggressive communication. Make your terms clear and don't fall into the common trap of twisting yourself like a pretzel to fulfill his expectations or keep him from being disappointed. Disappointment comes from people having expectations, but handling those things is an inside job that each person has to do for themselves. Partners can't do it for them.
You might want to read Petunia's blog here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25956 and read the last several pages about her relationship with Golden (which ended). There was something I remember her saying about it, like he had to own up to and handle his own shit because she couldn't do it for him. She said it much more eloquently, but I can't find it right now [I hope I'm recalling the right poster who said that].
I know the fundamental differences can destroy relationships, and I'm also aware that this one has the possibility of doing just that.
What do you mean by "this one has the possibility of doing just that?" This relationship has the possibility of destroying itself? I am not getting what you're saying here, sorry.
But in y'all's experience is it really not worth pursuing? Do you only start relationships with fellow poly folk?
While many polyfolk do avoid getting into relationships with anyone who isn't experienced in poly, not everyone does. I wouldn't hesitate to get involved with someone who is mono,
as long as he has good, healthy relationship skills. There are lots and lots of poly-mono relationships that work. But they work for the same reason totally monogamous relationships work. Respect, honesty, good communication. TBH, I have the sense that this guy doesn't truly respect your choice to have more than one relationship. There is something very "feel sorry for me" that comes across in what you say about him.
